Donkin' princess!
Okay, okay.
How about I give you a big cowboy hat?
Then will you let the hostages go?
No! No!
Don't play games with me, Princess!
I want that crown! No crown, no hostages!
Well, obviously, that's going to be a problem
because I'm the princess, and I need my crown.
So...
No, Princess! You are problem —
The problem princess!
Just give me that crown!
Why does he want your crown, anyway, Princess?
Yeah. What's his beef?
I don't know, guys. He's crazy.
He's left me no choice.
I'm sending in the banana guards.
It's about to turn crazy-nasty.
Hello. Captain Banana Guard?
Wait a second, Princess.
Why don't me and Finn just sneak in there incognito
and neutralize the threat old-fashioned spy-guy style?
Hmm...
Okay, but if you guys aren't out of there by 4:00,
I'm sending in the guards.
Okay. I was thinking I could dress up like a mailman!
Yeah! Yeah! And I could wear all black!
And I could be like, you know,
like... your shadow!
Hmm... I can't really see that working.
Yeah, the shadow thing might be pushing it.
Oh, no, no, no. That part's fine.
I was talking about you dressing up like a mailman.
What?
But I always wanted to be a mailman!
Nah, you don't look like a mailman.
You look like a milk/nan.
Let's get you a proper milkman outfit.
Hmm... You ready?
Yeah! Let's bust it!
Hello!
Hello? Who the heck are you?
I'm gonna smash your face!
Uh, milkman, sir.
I brought the milk... for the hostages, sir.
Huh? Oh.
I thought maybe you were a spy guy or something.
Go ahead. Give everyone some milk,
then get the math outta here!
Yes, sir.
- Milk, sir? - Thanks.
- Milk? - Thanks.
- Milk? - Thank you.
Some milk?
Psst! Get ready, Jake.
When we get to the cookie,
you throw some milk in his face
and yell, "Alvin's Hot Juice Box.
Alvin's Hot Juice Box."
He'll be really confused.
And that's when we grab him and tie him up style.
Come in, Cookie. This is Chipper. Over.
Go ahead, Chipper. Over.
I'm too short to lock the backdoor. Over.
Hold tight, Chipper. Chipler's on his way.
- You got that, Chipler? - Affirmative.
Did you hear that?
Yeah. Change of plans.
I'll go take care of those chips.
You keep the cookie distracted.
Yeah, I can do that.
Okay, awesome.
Milk? Milk?
Milk?
Some milk?
What? Oh. Look.
You should probably split, buddy.
Things are about to get pretty flipped-out in here.
Oh. Sure. Sorry, man.
I was just trying to get away from that
rotten Princess Bubblegum for a while, you know?
Isn't she just the worst?
Wait, you hate Princess Bubblegum, too'?
Get outta here!
Oh, yeah, man! She's the worst —
sitting out there all safe and cozy
while I'm risking my life tootin' around in here
in a stupid milkman costume.
Wait, costume?
Oh. Um...
I just mean it feels like a costume.
'Cause I wanted to be a mailman so bad, you see?
But the princess made me be a milkman, anyway.
Boy, I hear you, brother.
Cookie? You there? Over.
Yeah. Go ahead, Chipolina. Over.
I just saw a light go on in the stock room.
Probably nothing. I'll check it out. Over.
Okay. Over.
Hmm...
Looks like a false alarm, Cookie.
It's just some kid's Baby Snuggleghost night-light.
Hes-yang
Alvin's Hot Juice Box! Alvin's Hot Juice...
So, what's your story, man?
How'd she doodie on you?
I was just a kid, man — just a little kid
when I got doodied on.
I was the new guy at the candy orphanage.
They called me Baby Snaps.
I tried to make friends with the other kids.
Come on, guys! Let's dance it up!
They were always too depressed to play.
No, no. We're too depressed.
Things went on like that for a while,
then one day...
She showed up.
Everything was different.
a thunderous cheer, as Baby Whoozlefut...
Everything was — was better with her around.
And something inside me changed that day, too.
And then later, she told me I could be anything I wanted.
Anything your sweet heart desires!
I told her I wanted to be a princess like her,
so I could make all the children happy.
I want to be a princess, like you!
And she laughed in my face, man!
It really messed me up.
Holy schmow, man! That's terrible!
That's really terrible.
Listen, I —
She lied to me!
Yeah, but maybe she didn't realize
how much it meant to you.
No, she just wants to hog all the princessin' for herself!
All chips, report in!
It's time to get real! Over.
Chips? Chips? Over.
Chips? Where are my chips?
Chipolina! Chipler! Chipton! Chipper?
Is anyone there? Chipface?
Something happened to my chips!
Aaaah!
I'm about to flip out, man...
and take that crown! - Whoa, whoa. Wait.
It doesn't have to be like this!
You don't need that crown!
You can start over, man.
You can start a new kingdom — your own kingdom,
where everyone can be whatever they want to be.
I can be the mailman, and you —
you can be the princess.
- My own kingdom? - Yeah, man.
I... I'd like that.
Okay, then. Just sit tight, Princess.
I'll get us out of here.
Hey! Hey!
I'm coming out!
What?
Jake!
Jake, what's going on? Where's Finn?
Where are the hostages?
Don't worry, Princess. It's okay now.
Princess Cookie's gonna go away.
You just got to give him a horse to escape with,
and he'll go.
Right.
And then you and Finn hunt him down
and put him in the dungeon.
No, wait. He said he'd go away forever.
Can't we just let him go?
No. That cookie is a menace.
Once the hostages are safe, Cookie goes in my dungeon...
in my dungeon for his life.
Oh, boy!
Would you look at that!
Dang!
Okay, well, she's all yours.
Hot diggity!
Ah-ah-ah. Man, that horse ain't no good.
That's a trap horse! - What are we gonna do?
It's okay, man. I'm Jake.
J-J-J-Jingo-Jango!
Whoa! Ha-ha! You're magic!
Yeah!
Yee-hoo!
After them!
We're really doing it!
Jake! What are you doing? What happened to the plan?
New plan. I'm gonna help Princess Cookie escape.
What? But — but he's a criminal.
No, man. Princess Cookie's a good guy.
He just got dealt a bad hand.
He's only trying to be what
following how his dreams make you want to be, man.
Whaaaat?
You're either with us or against us.
Um... against?
Aah! Ohh!
Hold on tight, Cookie!
I'm gonna jump the gorge!
No, Jake. Stop the horse.
I can make it!
Ohh! Aah!
Princess Cookie!
Are you all right?
I'm done for, Jake.
No! Everythings gonna be fine!
I won't let them put you in the dungeon!
Just let me talk to them!
No, Jake.
Thank you for your help, but it's too late for me.
I'll never be a princess.
At least for a moment,
you helped me feel like a princess.
It was wonderful.
Thank you, Jake.
Careful, Princess!
You know what — it's funny,
but you sort of remind me of a mailman I used to know.
I do?
Yep.
Princess!
I glubbed up!
Knight to E5.
Where's Baby Snaps?
Excuse me, your highness?
Jake!
Oh, hey. Check it out.
Special delivery from the Grass Kingdom.
He's a princess?
- I had no idea. - Royalty!
Ahh!
Aaah!
Hey, Jake. What's wrong?
You look dumpy. How come?
I-Is it because of that metal box?
Is something sad inside?
No. It's nothing.
There's lots of boxes that have nothing in them.
But also, you could put something in the box.
And then it won't be empty!
Does that make you feel better?
You're a charmer, Finn human.
No. It's... well...
Lady Rainicorn doesn't want to play
the game Card Wars with me.
I always beat her.
So she says, "no more card warring."
What's Card Wars?
It's a fantasy card game
that's super-complicated and awesome,
but, well... oh, it's kinda stupid.
Never mind.
How come you never talked about it before?
It sounds cool. - Really?
Well, I thought you'd say it was for nerds
who do not know how life is
outside of the nerd universe.
I-it is, man.
But I still totally want to play it.
So no more moping, okay?
Thanks, Finn.
Oh, hey, Beemo. You want to play, too'?
No! I do not play such games... with Jake!
- What's that mean? Ah, whatever.
Let's play the game!
So, what kind of stakes do we play for?
How about the loser...
is a dweeb,
and the winner is a cool guy?
Those are good stakes.
Coffee grounds, beetle butter,
grape jelly, kimchi,
aaand this stuff.
Hey! You're ruining that pop with weird taste!
We drink when the game is over.
Oh, gross.
Now, let me explain the rules.
That's basically the basics.
So once we have our kingdom setup...
it's time to start to play...
for the gloryyyy!
Huh?
Hey, were you asleep?
I'll have to explain it all over again!
Doesn't matter. Let's just play.
But if you don't know the rules,
then you're gonna lose in the first couple rounds,
like Lady always does.
And then you'll hate the game. And then you'll hate max'
And then, and then —
Pfft! You think you're gonna win?
I'm gonna crush you — party-dance style, dweeb!
Bring it!
So, how do I get my land on the map'?
Oh.
You, uh, floop your land cards.
Uh...
Keep those honeys hidden,
or I'll get a strategic advantage!
Oh! Hmm...
Okay, I go first.
I floop the Silo of Truth!
Hey!
Pfft! You got really lame cards.
Hmm...
I'll take the Cerebral Blood Storm, though.
Huh?
Okay, now it's the battle phase.
I'm attacking your schoolhouse with my Husker Knights.
And, I'm casting Cerebral Blood Storm.
So, what do you use to defend?
Uh... can my Cool Dog
and Ancient Scholar defeat your Husker Knights?
Of course not!
Hmm. Then I floop the pig...
What?
- What? - Okay, okay.
First of all, you don't floop a creature to make it fight.
You activate a creature.
Hmm. No!
It says I can floop the pig. See?
No!
He's eating all my cornfields!
My Husker Knights draw energy from corn!
And since I'm not actually attacking,
your Cerebral Blood Storm only does damage
to your own kingdom's troops.
You just wiped out my entire attack!
What do you expect if all your power units come from corn?
Pigs eat corn, dude. Cornfields stink.
Cornfields are awesome!
What makes you think you know so much about Card Wars?
- It's just logic. - Your turn.
Hmm...
You're supposed to discard a card
and pick up a new one first.
Oh, right.
Look at you. You're a babe in the woods.
Your beginner's luck ends this round!
Hmm.
Spirit Tower! And the Cave of Solitude?
Now my battle phase begins.
I activate my ancient scholar to begin studying.
And I also move my pig to the Cave of Solitude
so he can take a nap.
That's it? You're not attacking?
I'll attack on a different turn.
Ha! Then the seas have aligned
and the five winds waft the smell of victory
to my palace doors!
I cast "Field of Nightmares"
and activate my legion of ear-lings
to scare your pig to death!
My pig's in the Cave of Solitude.
Um... I cast "Teleport"
to move your pig to the empty field
so I can attack him!
Uh... wouldn't "Teleport" only work
on your own creatures? - You're right.
I'm gonna slay that pig, though.
How? You don't have any creatures that can touch him.
Ugh!
Face it, man. I'm the cool guy.
Hmm...
You're the cool guy, huh?
Well, let me make it a little hot for you, then.
I floop the volcano.
What?
That'll destroy your kingdom, too, won't it'?
Hmph! Maybe Oh!
Aah!
My Pig!
Aah!
The pig is dead.
Now I reconstitute my cornfields
using the "Reclaim Landscape" spell.
My Husker Knights, revive!
And I still have my battle phase.
Hiding in the useless swamp, the Immortal Maize Walker!
I love corn!
Ah!
Cornfields give the immortal maize walker triple damage.
Uh...
I told you cornfields are awesome!
Your Ancient Scholar and Cool Dog
won't survive this time.
Actually, my Ancient Scholar's been studying
the "Raise the Dead" ability.
- So what? - So...
My Ancient Scholar raises the dead.
I floop the pig.
No-o-o-o-o-o!
Look. My towefls doing a thing.
Hominy-hominy-hominy!
You ganked my Spirit Walker!
Ah!
Uh, maybe we should take a break?
Your turn.
Huh?
You Play!
Oh, zang.
I do not play such games...
with Jake.
Sorry! I gotta use the boy style room.
Beemo! Beemo!
Beemo chop!
If this were a real attack, you'd be dead.
Beemo! Jake's acting boonoonoonoos!
Oh, no! Are you winning the game of Card Wars?
- Yeah! - That's terrible!
If Jake loses that game, he gets super depressed!
When I beat him, he wouldn't talk to me for a month!
What?
I only played so he wouldn't be bummed!
Finn, you must take a dive.
Okay, I'll try.
But I'm a Card Wars super Amadeus.
Whoop!
Play... the... game.
Grob. Better make this look good.
All right, Jake. Prepare for my ultimo-attack!
Well, I've still got my Wandering Bald Man.
Oh, no.
I need to get rid of my pig
so Jake can reconstitute his cornfields.
I activate the pig
to attack your Wandering Bald Man.
That's stupid.
Just attack with Immortal Maize Walker
and get the game over with!
No way!
You've underestimated me and my pig all day.
Please lose. Please lose.
No-o-o-o!
Oh-ho! Oh! Oh, yeah!
Pigs can't leave mud landscapes once they're on them!
Ha ha ha! The pig is mine!
First, I'll play Reclaim Landscape.
Then I cast "Summon Archer Dan."
Whoa, math...
M'boys!
You have no creatures left.
That's the game, boy!
The five winds blow through cornfields once again
for the glory of Jakoria!
Heh. You got me.
In your face!
It's time to drink up!
It looks like you are the dweeb
and Mn the cool guy.
Is it too gross for you, man?
No, no.
I got to take what's coming to me.
Hey, it's not that bad! I like it!
- What? - You want a taste?
Ah, it's gross!
In your face, dweeb!