Hello?
Why don't you just tell me what's happened?
And what is it?
I'll be right down.
What's happened?
Oh, Susannah.
Susannah?
Princess Susannah.
Is she all right?
I don't know.
Don't kill me.
Please don't kill me.
Read the statement.
Yes. All right.
On this screen?
That is correct.
I am Susannah, Duchess of Beaumont.
Popularly known as Princess Susannah.
I am in a place you cannot find,
held by one you will not trace.
Prime Minister Michael Callow,
Prime Minister Michael Callow, my... my life...
my life depends on you.
If you do not do precisely as instructed...
by four pm this afternoon, I will be...
I will be executed.
What are you doing? Keep it going.
Prime Minister, at this point I think it's
important to say that we are 100% certain that this
is indeed Princess Susannah.
Her car was intercepted
shortly after midnight, returning from the wedding
of a college friend of hers.
She'd insisted on going.
But you had security on her?
Two PPOs, still unconscious,
heavy sedative, close range, each with a single puncture wound,
no sign of struggle.
What do they want?
Money?
Release of Jihadi?
Scrap Third World debt?
Save the fucking libraries?
We are convinced both the video and the
demand it contains are genuine.
What demand?
What Susannah says next.
It concerns you directly, sir.
Just play it.
There is only one demand,
and it is a simple one.
At four pm this afternoon, Prime Minister Michael Callow
must appear on live British television
on all networks, terrestrial and satellite,
and... no...
on all British networks, terrestrial and satellite,
and have full unsimulated sexual intercourse with a pig.
I don't understand!
The video ends with a series of technical
specifications for the broadcast.
Why are you doing this?
This is a joke? Right?
Ha-ha, Mike. Ho-ho.
It's real.
She said pig.
Sex with a pig.
They want me to have sex with a pig.
Live, on television this afternoon.
But what...
Who?
We're checking with our embedded operatives,
compiling a list of suspects as we speak.
Meanwhile, the demand has been made,
and there's not long to formulate our response.
Well, I'm not fucking a pig.
Page one, that's not happening.
Of course.
Absolutely, sir.
Well, have we established a dialogue with this...
We can't, there's no e-mail address,
no codeword, no channels for negotiation.
Okay, so we'll focus on finding Susannah.
Hmm? We get her back.
And however it's done, I don't care.
We stop this now.
I assure you, everyone's working towards this.
Yes... no, not everyone, a dedicated core team,
this can't go wide,
and keep it so far from the press
it's on the other side of Jupiter.
This only exists in this room.
It's already outside it.
Well if there are hacks sniffing around, shut them down.
Bright red D notice.
Super fucking Godzilla injunction
with ten-inch Whitehall fangs.
This video came from YouTube.
What?
It was uploaded via an encrypted IP over an hour ago.
Well get it off there!
We did, after nine minutes,
but that was long enough for it to be downloaded,
duplicated and spread.
Spread?
How many people have seen this?
We take down one, six clones immediately pop up elsewhere.
How many people?
50,000, that's our current estimate.
The news rooms have got it.
They're running this on air?
No, no, we put a type 5D notice out immediately.
And they're complying.
For now, it's trending on Twitter.
Oh for... fucking Internet.
So what now? What's the play book?
This is virgin territory, Prime Minister.
There's no play book.
Princess Susannah's been kidnapped.
You scared the shit out of me.
And there's a YouTube of it...
Oh, go to work.
and have full unsimulated
sexual intercourse with a pig...
No way. It's a piss take, man, look at it!
I don't understand!
Why's it not on the news.
Carlton Bloom's controversial agitation
exhibition at the Tate Modern closes three weeks ahead of
schedule amid criticism...
So how do we even describe it? "An indecent act."
Everyone's seen the video.
They already know the full details.
If we mention bestiality pre-watershed,
Ofcom would be seriously pissed off.
Fuck Ofcom.
We're still observing the D notice.
But surely we're going to do something...
We're honouring the D notice.
The voluntary D notice.
It may be a sportsman-like gesture,
but we are making it,
a woman's life is at stake here, we follow procedure.
My time line consists 100 per cent of viewers asking
why we're not covering it.
How do I reply?
You don't.
That is totally backwards.
No-one else has broken rank, not the Beeb, not Sky, not...
I hear Facebook's coverage is pretty comprehensive.
That may be, but...
It's like 9/11's happening
and we're broadcasting sandwich recipes.
Martin We're not a chat room.
It's on CNN. And Fox.
And MSNBC, Al Jazeera, NHK...
Yeah, all right.
Oh, God, this planet.
Okay, Sarah, cover the snatch itself, Damon public reaction,
Mira, the royal angle, upcoming marriage etc.
Simon, set tone with standards and practices.
We need to explain this without viewers
sicking up their Weetabix.
Lorcan, the Internet aspect, new paradigm, Twitter, Arab spring,
all that bibble.
Dan, all graphics run past me, keep it functional,
no pepper pigs.
Malaika, update the Princess obit VT.
The obit VT?
Hm, first an awkward phone call, the least I can do is warn Tom.
We put a D notice on it.
It's gone global, Tom.
Don't.
I can't do anything...
- I'm begging you. - You're begging me?
Don't run it, Martin.
Look I'm sorry, I can't help you.
You know how much help you're getting from here on in?
Multiplying nothing by shit all, UKN is dead to us.
Shove it up your ass, you fucking...
Interesting?
A man.
A man?
A man.
Tom. So you're across it,
I'm exploring contingency plans.
I briefed Callett.
Ah, Mr Callett, Noel from Blue Eye.
Noel won an Emmy for his effects work
on that HBO moon Western thing.
Sea of Tranquillity.
Yeah, yeah, you won't find better.
Can you map a head onto a different body, live?
It depends if your camera's moving.
Rule sheet specifies a single hand held camera
in a constant roving motion.
Hm, yeah, Gonzo style, he knows his shit.
That's tough.
"Fruition to be transmitted in four." What does...
Just focus on the visuals,
different face mapped onto a live performer.
According to those stipulations.
Fringe is a possibility...
Deadline's at four, we need to know if it's workable by two.
Can't happen.
It has to.
Our Embeds have ruled out the major players.
It's not AQ, not IRA, this is what's left,
radicals, hate groups,
people who threaten yourself or the royals.
They're being pulled in even as we speak.
And more than questioning I hope.
Somebody knows something.
If we all do it more
then there'll be less waste overall
lying around whenever the bin men...
Is it still not on the telly?
Nothing, must be a hoax.
Or a black-out.
Oh! Heads up.
Some major breaking news here now on UKN,
in the last few minutes
it's been confirmed that Susannah, Duchess of Beaumont,
has been kidnapped.
A video uploaded anonymously
to the Internet, appears to depict the princess
pleading for her life.
The video also contains a bizarre ransom demand
of a personal nature involving the Prime Minister.
This is followed by a detailed list of instructions
relating to the enactment of this demand.
As police round up potential suspects...
Good morning.
this UKN news viewer video shows armed officers
raiding an address in Bradford,
a man thought to be connected with a religious pressure group
can be seen being dragged to a waiting van.
Details regarding the...
If it's terrorists, they'll take her head off.
Fuck's sake, man.
Just saying.
They'll be asking for a million quid or something.
They want him to do it with a pig.
Telegraph has the whole video
and an interactive time line, Tonilee Stark,
brief mention of the ransom being a sex act,
nothing too gross.
The Sun runs with "Taken, Big Brother Susannah" the...
Of course I still want that drink.
Well then give me something.
It's not... that won't be possible.
I'm friendly when I drink, very friendly when I'm grateful.
There's no comment at this time.
The Guardian are running a fucking live blog,
and a short think piece on the historical symbolism of the pig.
4pm deadline now only five hours away,
UKN's Damon Brown analyses the public reaction to the crisis.
It's a day like no other.
The kidnapped video has now been watched
by over 18 million people.
The social networking sites are abuzz
with an estimated 10,000 tweets per minute.
So while we wait for Downing Street
to make a formal response,
there's no doubt that the nation is voicing its opinion.
I don't think anyone should concede to
any sort of humiliation under that kind of threat.
I couldn't bare to see that and watch that.
I won't personally be tuning in,
I mean just thinking about it, it's horrible.
That's disgusting,
it is disgusting if you think about it.
It's going to be disgusting,
but after that, he's going to be a hero.
People abroad will look at him
like he is totally insane, and maybe take his position away.
It would be absolutely hilarious to see that on TV.
Nothing too abnormal for Prime Ministers and MPs,
they're all deviant, sexual deviants,
all MPs and Prime Ministers.
We've been squeezing hard, but still nothing concrete.
It is my house, you cannot stop me
while you're standing in my doorway.
You are touching my door handle.
Can I have a word?
It won't come to that.
And if they don't find her?
Mi5 have got a name. They're surrounding the place now.
Where?
What?
Where's the place?
- Truro. - Why are you lying?
What?
You're lying. Truro? Jesus.
I don't want you worrying.
You never patronise me, don't start now.
Whoever this is, is insane.
And has a Princess.
Who'll get through this.
Not just any princess, The Princess, Princess bloody
Facebook, bloody eco-conscious, national sweetheart.
I won't have to do anything.
Everyone's laughing at us.
You don't know that.
I know people.
We love humiliation, we can't not laugh.
Nothing is going to happen.
It's already happening in their heads.
In their heads, that's what you're doing,
what my husband is doing.
Just...
Please?
Jane.
I love you.
What?
The palace on the phone, sir.
Get Alex to stall them for a minute.
She's already been speaking to her for ten minutes.
Her?
It's the queen herself.
Go on.
As the four pm deadline draws nearer and the world holds
its breath waiting to discover whether Princess Susannah...
Would they use a female pig?
It's on the list.
They list the rules at the end of the video,
it specifies camera angles and things.
Like Dogme 95.
It's not like Dogme 95.
Exactly like it.
What's Dogme 95?
Cinematic movement.
Lars Von Trier.
Oh.
List of rules for the director, no background music,
only natural light and so on. For authenticity.
Same as these rules, so they can't cheat it,
intercut another guy's arse pumping away.
I mean I can't think of anything remotely like this.
It's an entirely new form of terrorism,
the point of which...
If it's terrorism, it's not Islamist in nature
to request a pig. It's specifically abhorrent...
Well that's exactly the point, to make love to a pig.
Make love?
Steer them away from the grisly details.
But we can't discount anything...
Let's not dwell on any of the details.
This is already a huge national talking point.
Isn't this precisely what whoever is behind this
is looking for?
How's her majesty taking it?
I trust you'll do everything in your power to get her back.
That's what she said.
And we are.
It wasn't a collective you, it was a singular you, I.e. me.
Sir, we may have something.
Jamie's been tracing the video's origin.
I thought it was untraceable.
Technically yes, but so I thought,
work with what we do know, and that video?
Okay, before YouTube compression it was 57.3 meg...
algorithm, boring.
Anyway, we also know it was uploaded at 3:16am,
so I ran a nationwide trace back on uninterrupted
one way uploads at precisely 57.3 meg in the minutes
leading up to 3:16,
and the closest I can get is a post code.
But it came from somewhere in there.
Looks like a campus.
Yep, closed 2010 and it's been empty since.
And the latest I-sat on this image on this area?
Three am flyover shot from last night.
Looks like it had lights on.
We've got him.
Alert the local team, we'll head out now,
full squad, I'll man it.
With helmet cam relay. We can watch the operation.
Press office, okay Tom?
Yes!
Right, confident?
It's a bit of a kick bollocks scramble
but with finessing, it should be okay.
Well, finesse quickly, our performer's on his way.
It's a new one for me, obviously, because it's illegal.
I wouldn't normally, you know.
Have you seen any of my films?
No.
Well I'm pretty trad, bish, bash, bosh, in and out.
Yep, well what'd I put on the invoice?
That's what I'm wondering?
There won't be any invoicing.
Oi, oi, Rod.
Oi, oi. Saveloy... all right...
You need to prep two statements on the rescue operation,
good outcome, bad outcome.
The rescue operation?
The goon squad's heading for some postcode
in Buckinghamshire.
HP8 4TD, it's a college or something.
They should be there by now.
Yeah, reduce the luminance of the chroma key...
Agent Callett, this is Mr. Flynn.
Aka Rod Senseless.
Stage name.
Yeah, well.
You need to get into this.
Is there a dressing room I can use?
No.
Where's my co-star?
It'd be rude not to give her a bit of a kiss beforehand.
Outside, in the truck.
Full of joie de vivre, isn't he?
You also need to wear this.
On your head.
Board's been prized away, that's where they got in.
Okay.
Target identified.
- Commissioner. - Thank you.
Saw Team Red, it's probably a possible entry point.
Any orders, boss?
Continue reconnaissance and await instructions before you proceed.
With the 4pm deadline only three hours away,
time is running out for the prime minister.
So how did the kidnapper get close to the princess
who was making an unscheduled visit to her friend's wedding?
Have they gone in yet?
Do you think I'd be here if they had?
I've got statements for either outcome.
Listen, the coverage is very sympathetic.
I can't think about coverage now.
No, of course.
But it's onside?
Strong undercurrent of sympathy.
Every poll indicates public understanding.
Disgust with the captor,
outraged at the whole thing, but not at you.
The fact is, if Walker's team fuck up,
I'm not saying they will, but if they do,
the public anticipates non-compliance.
There'll be squawks from the usuals,
but it's not England expects.
If he kills her, there's no blood on your hands.
Bottom line.
With just hours to go before the deadline,
time is running out for the security services.
Joining us is actress Lydia Galway, who attended...
Thought this story was coming from IB7.
It is, but we trimmed the edit so it's coming direct.
Where do I know Twinkle Toes from?
Actress, Downton Abbey, knows the princess.
This came for you, left at reception.
Thanks, Jack.
Courier dropped it off.
20 seconds on the end, thanks.
Plug this in.
Oh, Jesus!
Shit.
Jesus.
Jack, call the police.
- What me? - Please take it.
Get someone to shoot that first.
What the fuck is this?
"I gave you rules, I said no cheating."
Ooh, urgh.
Some more breaking news now, and a severed finger
thought to belong to Princess Susannah,
has been delivered to UKN,
along with a video, apparently showing the kidnapper
removing it from the Princess.
UKN News has passed all material to Scotland Yard.
Fucking hell.
Oh, God, I can't watch this.
He's got to do what they want.
Yes, he fucking has.
accompanied by a memory stick which contained
a statement accusing Downing Street of attempting to break
rules laid down in the demands.
Well, this grim development
comes just hours before the 4pm deadline out...
Jesus.
Unless I'm mistaken,
our mystery man specified no visual trickery
in his original demand didn't he?
I considered it nec...
Considered it necessary.
- ... to devise... - Fucking hell!
Oi!
- Mike? - Don't.
It's nor...
One word and I swear I will fucking... I'll get...
What did you do, Alex?
I had a back up plan.
Man prepared to do it, and an FX company
that'd paint your head onto his shoulders.
And you actually thought that would work?
I believed it worth considering.
Then you're a stupid bitch.
With your interests at heart.
Who knew about this?
A select few, it seems some idiot at the studios
recognised our designated performer, tweeted a photo,
and the online hive mind did the maths.
It's not playing well.
With who?
With er... with anyone.
A few hours ago,
public opinion was behind Prime Minister Callow
with only 28 percent of the public believing
he should fulfil the bizarre and illegal request.
But in the wake of these images
and with the delivery of the Princess's severed finger to UKN,
the mood is shifting.
It'll be humiliating,
but nothing compared to her suffering.
With the appearance of the finger,
he's just got to do it.
He has to do it, what's the alternative?
We can easily get another Prime Minister,
but we can't live without a princess.
Of course he should do it.
Well, if he doesn't get her released,
you know, he's finished isn't he?
Online polls suggest that 86 percent
of voters now believe the demand should be met.
Damon Brown, UK.
When are Walker's team hitting the college.
They need time to assess...
It's almost half two, no more pissing around.
Julia's advising against it.
And I'm advising for, they go in now.
They go in now.
Where's my obit VT?
What would you say if I told you I was standing near the
building where Susannah's being held.
I'd say bullshit.
Then you'd be wrong.
Have you got a crew with you?
No, I'm not stupid.
Malaika? Hello?
Are you getting this?
Yeah, we are.
Stay back, don't put yourself in any danger.
Still getting this?
Yeah, yeah, we are, just stay safe Malaika, be careful.
If this doesn't work...
We need to...
God.
Lie down on the floor.
Go!
Stand where you are!
Fuck.
It's a decoy, they must have bounced the upload from here
with the proxy. They could be anywhere. I'm sorry.
Oh, Jesus.
They're looking right at her.
No, they can't see her, there's this screen here.
Malaika, make sure they can't...
Lay down!
Run, Malaika, run!
Get out of there, come on!
Stay where you are!
Is it him? Have we got him?
Jack! Where the fuck is Jack?
Down, down.
UKN, that's Malaika something or other, she's from UKN.
- You're press? - Yes.
Ah... ah...
There goes your RTS award.
There must be something.
There's nothing there, Mike.
There'll be a clue, some evidence.
We've done all we can.
You sent in a strike team to rescue a manikin.
I'm sorry, Michael.
Oh, fuck off, Julian.
Michael, it's twenty past three, we're out of time.
We're not out of time.
Oh...
It's not going to happen.
To the public...
Fuck the public.
To the public this would be one man of, to be blunt,
questionable popularity, putting personal embarrassment
over the life of a young girl.
He won't even release her anyway,
she's probably already dead.
And if she isn't he'll kill her and upload the video.
Everyone will see it. The world will see it.
The mood will border on insurrection,
and you will be destroyed, I guarantee you.
Utterly destroyed.
The polling bears that out.
You won't just be a disgraced politician,
you'll be a despised individual.
The public, the Palace, and the party insist on compliance.
Fuck the party.
Refuse, and I've been advised that we cannot
guarantee your physical safety.
Or that of your family.
But...
I've made arrangements for the broadcast.
I can't.
I'm sorry Michael, it's out of your hands.
Let's take you live now to the scene in Central London.
As we see, the Prime Minister's car travelling across London...
He's going to do it.
The world's bloody broken.
now appears to be heading west to Bankside Studios.
We've ratified the law,
after midnight it'll be a criminal offence
to store any recording or still images of the event.
They're doing an announcement beforehand
to warn people off even watching,
some sort of sonic tone that causes nausea.
Of course, this comes at a time when opinion
has very much hardened...
As the 4pm deadline approaches,
the whole nation is at a standstill
watching this extraordinary situation play out.
And just to remind you,
this is now a story of global significance.
"Michael Callow has displayed incredible bravery
in what was literally a matter of life or death."
That's how it opens,
and then I think we should move onto... okay, yep.
Everything prepared?
Yes, ma'am.
- It's sedated? - Injection, it's docile.
It's time to go in now.
an unprecedented nature.
This is an official announcement.
In a few minutes, the Prime Minister
will perform an indecent act on your screens.
This is in accordance with the kidnapper's demand in the hope
that it will ensure the safe release of Princess Susannah.
Recording or possessing a copy of this broadcast
will become illegal at midnight.
All viewers are advised
to turn off their televisions immediately.
The broadcast will commence after the following tone.
We're complying with all the stipulated rules,
so you'll have to keep going.
You'll have to see it through to the end.
We've placed visual aids in your eye line
which might help if you... get into trouble.
A suggestion we're getting from psychologists is
that you should take as long as you need.
To rush might be misinterpreted as eagerness or even enjoyment.
It's just a skeleton crew inside.
Closed set.
He might do it anyway! There he is...
I trust this will bring about the safe return
of Princess Susannah.
I...
I love my wife.
Aah.
May God forgive me.
Urgh.
Jesus.
Poor bastard.
No.
But it's been on for nearly an hour.
It's history, this.
She's back, ma'am. We've got her, Susannah.
They released her?
Yeah, stumbling about in the middle of the city, sedated,
she can't remember anything, but she's unharmed.
But her finger?
Not hers, the DNA shows it's male.
What?
There is one other thing ma'am, there's a CCTV grab
of her from half three, it seems he let her go
30 minutes before it happened.
Why?
My guess, he knew everyone would be
elsewhere, watching screens.
So it's a statement.
Ma'am?
That's what this was all about, about making a point.
Should we...
Lose that page of the report.
No-one sees it, especially the PM.
Of course.
Good news, Michael, you saved her.
Susanne is alive and well.
On the one year anniversary of his humiliating ordeal,
an apparently unconcerned Michael Callow
put in an assured performance at a public appearance today
accompanied by his wife Jane.
Here I go! Okay.
Oh! Aah!
The other central figure in last year's events was also
before the camera
at last night's Children Of Valour awards.
Princess Susannah made her first public appearance
since announcing her pregnancy.
It was one year ago today
that the former Turner Prize- winning artist
Carlton Bloom coerced the Prime Minister
into committing an indecent act with the audacious kidnapping.
As the anniversary arrived one art critic has caused
controversy by describing it as the first great artwork
of the 21st century.
But while cultural commentators debate its significance,
there's no denying that with a global audience
of 1.3 billion,
it was an event in which we all participated.
However, the incident failed to destroy
a Prime Minister who currently holds an approval rating
three points higher than this time last year.
Damon Brown, UKN.
Jane?
Jane please?