And we're back.
"BABY FRATELLI" PLAYING] [THE FRATELLIS'
* I said, oh, my Oh, no, not I *
Watching everyone go by d d I was just busy
Though I can't stand her d d She got my number
* I can't help diggin' her I hope I guess I wonder *
* And though it's clear You want me dear *
Welcome, students, new and old,
to another fall semester at Greendale.
It's time for clean slates and fresh starts.
Celebrate your fresh start tonight
at the Fresh-Start Dance in the cafeteria.
The same cafeteria where Britta Perry
professed her love to Jeff Winger
who then walked out on her. Unforgettable.
and Fresh-Start cookies Plus, free punch
at the Fresh-Start Dance. tonight
Look at us, living together, driving to school together.
we're like Batman and Shaft. I know,
Batman actually had a guy. His name was Robin.
He rode around with him.
didn't have to be Robin, Troy, Batman's friend
he could've been Shaft, Dolemite, Leroy Brown.
Don't let society limit your people.
"Batman and Shaft," wow.
Reading Troy's Twitter where he posts everything Pierce says?
Yeah, "A White Man Says." It's hilarious.
Hey. Hello, Annie.
Thank you, Abed. I like your hair.
You're welcome. Jeffrey, hello.
Hey. How was your summer? I live with you.
How was your summer? Great.
Oh, okay.
Hey.
It's good to be back here.
Okay. I know.
for whatever Anthropology is? So you guys ready
We should wait for Britta.
she's coming back? Do we know
She never returned my calls or e-mails.
Me neither.
It's not gonna be the same without her.
Did you guys see Toy Story 3? Yes.
Oh, I loved Toy Story 3.
It was amazing, I love… Hey!
Whoa! Oh!
Hey, Toy Story… Britta. How's it going?
Okay, yeah, yeah.
I made an ass of myself and Jeff at that dance.
I was caught up in a competition
of an ex-girlfriend, with his turd
and I wish I could erase the entire night.
And I owe you an apology.
I accept.
You don't owe us anything
and you don't have to hide from us.
You? I'm hiding from them.
It's like high school all over again.
the walking freak show Psycho Britta,
with a Cosmo subscription. for every Barbie
Look, I don't mean to be a tool, but you embarrassed me too,
so call it karma.
I hope I'm not around Whoa, boy,
when you do mean to be a tool.
Let's just put this behind us and just walk to class, okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
You're Britta Perry?
Yeah, what's it to you?
You're the coolest.
Right. Um…
At what exactly?
speaking from your heart. Being fearless, honest,
"Jeff Winger, I love you."
Right. Um…
may have overstated… My heart
Do you sign stuff? Now and again.
Awesome.
where that's going. I don't like
I know, right? Heh.
Look,
um, remember the little talk we had?
Yes. Stop that. The one about discretion?
We agreed you and I kissing was a mistake.
If anyone were to find out, I would be tarred, feathered,
and put on websites people check when buying a house.
It's forgotten, Jeff, jeez.
I'm not some love-struck teenybopper.
But we didn't just kiss, we technically Frenched.
I checked the make-out meter in this month's issue of
National Review.
where that's going. I don't like
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some rope Tie me to dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
It can be here ♪ d Somebody said
Tied up, dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
They all just fade away d d One by one
Señor Chang.
Oh, wait, I guess it's not señor anymore.
What should we call you? Student Chang?
a-Music-Major Chang? Two-Credits-Into-
How about not calling me anything? Hmm?
Why are you guys in this class?
We chose it together.
The real question is, why are you in it?
Oh, you missed us?
Don't flatter yourself. Oh.
the course description? Have you checked
Genital mutilation. Ancient weaponry.
talking my Chang-uage. This subject's
Ugh.
AND APPLAUDING] [ALL CHEERING
I don't get it.
Star-Burns has grown reliant on his sideburns
but craves identity beyond them, so he added a hat.
with Britta mania? No, what's up
Oh, that's even simpler.
Britta put herself out there and you walked away,
making her the underdog, the Aniston.
Yeah. That's ridiculous.
Have any hillbilly cousins? I wish, why?
A wealthy uncle,
or buddy that may have had a sex change?
Why are you mining my life for sitcom scenarios?
I'm excited about the year, looking to improve.
from the relationship-y stuff I'm hoping we can move away
into fast-paced escapades.
What is it exactly
that separates man from animal?
Divorce.
Tools.
Like this blowgun I used to hunt monkeys
with the Korubo in the Amazon.
is Professor June Bauer, My name
and this semester I will guide you
to the very threshold of your humanity
where you will lock eyes with the shrieking,
sister-raping beasts blood-drenched,
from which we sprang.
You will also have to make a diorama.
For your first assignment,
I would like you to form tribes of no more than eight,
mix up the races. and if you can,
You'll be surprised
at how quickly things get awkward.
Now that Troy's off the streets and living with me,
about the world. he's learning
Yeah. Tell me again
why Jewish people wear yarmulkes.
Half a hat, saves money.
Thank you.
That is so offensive. "Half a hat"?
I love Old White Man Says.
Hey, find an eighth dork for your tribe of dorks?
I think you took Anthropology
because you wanna be in our group
but are too proud to ask.
Keep dreaming, Winger. What?
too much pride do this? Would somebody with
Current balance: $23.20.
Consider yourself Chang'd.
Mac and cheese, please.
Sorry, looks like your food just walked out on you.
Same way you did Britta.
Hey, can we talk?
Oh, now he wants to talk.
I'll be right back. No, it's fine,
you got some passionate fans. Man,
Eh. It'll blow over.
helping it blow over? Well, would you mind
of plummeting around here. My stock is kind
to sound like a tool, Oh, I don't mean
but maybe it's karma.
to be popular with women, I know you're excited
but don't get too high on your own drama.
High on my own drama?!
The people's champion.
I gotta go where the heat is. Sorry, man,
Jeff Winger, you're a jerk.
She's turned every woman on campus against me.
that deserves to be with you. Not every woman, not the one
deserve to be with me, All women
Granted, and vice versa.
eventually settle down? but who doesn't
I don't, and I never will. And if I did…
If I did,
I could beat Britta at her own game.
Oh, good.
you better take a hike. Yeah,
the cleanest bathroom is? Do you know where
Teacher's lounge. Thank you.
Don't be shy, come on up, have a sip.
by its restorative powers. The yogi of India swear
more of my urine for me. Okay,
for your tribe's assignment. Now
nine different tools, This box contains
to humanity's survival. all of them important
is the most important of all. One of them
Your tribe's assignment for tomorrow
which tool that is. is to tell me
I have a question. Questions?
But not for you.
It's for Britta.
Britta.
I love you.
I know this puts you in an awkwardly
powerful position, but I have to know, right now,
in front of everyone, do you love me too?
More than anything in the world.
Really?
Yeah.
So it begins. Hmm.
The greatest relationship ever known.
This is making me sick.
I'm gonna love you forever.
Good,
I don't believe you.
Why, don't you want me to?
No, I do. Bring it.
Doesn't it make you wanna cry?
Something like that. Excuse me.
that makes me think of you. I downloaded a song
each using one ear bud. Let's listen to it,
spinning off with me? Would you consider
Just riffing, we could open a hair salon.
I don't understand. Is this you being meta?
I wanted to come out having adventures,
like paintball. This is boring.
That's selfish, Abed. If you were a friend,
you'd see their relationship as an adventure.
about it that way. I hadn't thought
Oh! Look at how they walk.
the most important tool Clearly,
representing Christianity. is the cross,
It's an ax? It's an ax.
Maybe the telescope.
Look through it backwards, shrink your enemies.
I'll show you the tool
that's most important to our survival,
but fair warning, it's my penis.
BEEPING AND BUZZING] [CELL PHONES
Old White Man. Sorry I'm late.
I was in my car loving Britta.
I just love you too much.
Not half as much as me.
Aww.
you'll marry Britta? Do you think
I'd like to see someone stop me.
I just peed a little.
Then here, propose.
Oh.
I got it, I got it, got it.
will you marry me? Jeff Winger,
No problem. No problem. Yeah, of course.
I'll be right back. Perfect,
[SHIRLEY & ANNIE SCREAMING]
Thank the Lord.
about your souls, I was so worried
pre-marital sex on the table. ever since you had
Awesome.
You told Shirley?
No need for secrecy now.
the paintball game. It was during
you didn't win that day? Was there anything
Oh, my God!
and then kissed me? You slept with her
What?
* Now they're in so deep *
She's such a fool for him ♪ ♪ You know
* She has a ring Around her finger *
* And Abed Hired an Irish singer *
* Britta's marrying Britta's marrying *
* Britta's marrying Jeffrey Winger *
What the hell is this? A wedding episode.
Abed, there's no wedding.
Cold feet? Talk with your best man, George Clooney.
What's up?
He's an impersonator.
But still razzle-dazzle, right?
Hmm? Abed.
Jeff made out with Annie.
Yeah, where? What? When? Where?
That's inappropriate. I'm assuming on the mouth.
After the Transfer Dance.
I tell you that I love you,
then you go and stick your tongue into a teenager?
What is wrong with you, Jeffrey?
Shirley, since you have clearly failed to grasp
the central insipid metaphor
of those Twilight books you devour,
let me explain it to you.
Men are monsters
who crave young flesh, the end.
At least we have the decency to keep it a secret.
Instead of blurting "I love you"
who sleeps with us. to everyone
I never loved you. Oh, please,
Ah-ha!
I win, I win, I win. In your face.
So this was all a game?
is some sick competition. Everything they do
Like you hate competition.
How long did it take you to kiss Jeff
I told him I loved him? after
First Vaughn, now Jeff. Oh, that's right.
at that wall outlet I better not smile
your tongue off! or you'll fry
Way to hog all the girls.
When there's three doughnuts,
and lick another. don't eat one
Anyone object to us being referred to as doughnuts?
Sorry we can't all be as honorable as you, Troy
and post Pierce quotes all day on Twitter.
is that your lame attempt Wow,
the hot seat to me? to try and pass
Nice try.
I'm Old White Man Says? Wait,
No wonder he says everything I'm thinking.
You bastard.
I'm just sharing what you say.
Yeah, well, what if I shared all the stuff you say?
He thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.
to disprove that. There's no way
Have you ever seen a cat penis?
Where you going?
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you
canceled.
Yeah, Abed, cancel us. Oh, good.
Why don't you take your cutesy
"I can't tell life from TV" gimmick with you?
it's very "season one." You know,
I can tell life from TV, Jeff.
it has structure, logic, rules, TV makes sense,
and likable leading men.
In life, we have this.
We have you.
Ahem. I'm on the clock for another hour
if you want me to do some Batman lines.
with your little group? Not sitting
I think the group is done.
Yeah, well, missionary accomplished, right?
What does that mean?
Come on, I know you and Britta did it.
you got with those people Isn't the reason
because you wanted to bang the blond?
Now I hear that you Frenched the brunette.
gotten out of that group? What more could you have
Good morning, class.
and hear the results Let's dive in
of your assignment.
Who wants to go first?
the last time I called on you, I don't know, Mr. Winger,
what the Maku-Maku call I kind of got
"dirt-roaded."
Using it.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Come on up.
It was a trick question.
The tool most important to humanity's survival
wasn't any of the nine in the box.
Go on.
The most important tool is respect.
Ha! Gay.
And the reason I know respect is a tool
is because it is clearly not a natural thing
to use it all the time. and we forget
And then we start competing with each other,
exploiting each other,
and controlling each other. humiliating each other
And we lose each other.
And without each other, we'll go extinct.
And that's a fact.
Heh. A gay fact.
That's my answer, professor.
Well, that's one answer.
Here's the one I had in mind.
Combining all nine tools, you get this,
than any one item in the box. a deadlier weapon
So I'm gonna use this to attack you,
and you use respect to defend yourself.
Uh… Oh… Uh…
Oh, my God. Jeffrey.
I respect you.
That's why you fail.
Oh, my God. Jeffrey.
He's passing out.
Stay with us, buddy.
Hello. Oh, thank God.
What happened?
Professor Bauer got suspended,
and we got an A on our assignment.
Did someone throw urine in my face?
I surprise myself under pressure.
Jeff, about the assignment,
you had the right answer. we decided
and a little less passion. We need more respect
Which will be easy because I think you're gross now.
Awesome.
that Twitter account. I'm gonna delete
is more important Your friendship
than 600,000 strangers.
Whoa, whoa.
Are you saying 600,000 people read what I say on Twitter?
we gotta cash in on that. Well,
How about Old White Man Says, the TV Show?
No.
Who would watch that?
strategy, I owe you an apology. Speaking of bad development
to make our week great, I was trying so hard
I didn't realize something great.
drinking her own pee. An old woman
That's true. You're right.
Guys?
I got a confession. I took Anthropology
because I wanna be a part of your study group.
Now I gotta do the honest thing and just ask.
Is there any room in this pocket
for a little spare Chang?
Uh… Look, we've been through a lot today.
Give us a little time to think it over.
Totally, man.
Take your time and let me know. Just think about it.
Bye. See you, Chang.
Bye.
Aww. Poor guy.
Says who? We'll let him in eventually.
We have the strength to survive anything.
that can happen with Chang? What's the worst
Yeah, that's true. Good point.
I told you they hate you.
just needed more time. No, they said they
Time? They destroyed your life.
before we take revenge? How much time
But they're my friends.
I'm your only friend.
No.
No!
* Kingdom: Animalia Chordata *
♪ Mammalia d d The class is *
* 'Cause boobies we gotta *
* Order is Primate Hominidae *
* The genus is ♪ ♪ Homo *
* But you know You're into me *
* 'Cause I am in the species Known as Sapien *
* Dogs used to eat me *
They bring the paper in ♪ ♪ But now
To get me away from you ♪ ♪ It's gonna take a lot
* Damn, damn *
That a hundred men or more ♪ ♪ There's nothing
* Could ever do ♪ ♪ Sapien *
* I bless the rains Down in Africa ♪
* Oh, bless the rains *
* I bless the rains Down in Africa ♪
* Africa *