Why is everyone wearing those hats?
Is the dean planning another event,
or is the Greendale Hat Club struggling to be noteworthy?
I talk about stuff You're talking about it.
that annoys me. Speaking of the dean…
Guten Tag, homies.
I hope you'll all be attending Oktoberfest.
Don't often get to celebrate German culture.
It's not often we want to. Yeah.
A little goes a long way. True.
has never drawn huge crowds, Greendale's Oktoberfest
probably due to our diversity,
so this year, we are adding some color. Kick it.
I'm gonna give this to you, Troy.
"Pop and Locktoberfest."
will be a pop-and-lock-a-thon. The central event
Winner gets to annex Poland. Kidding.
The winner gets an iTunes gift card. Okay.
What should we name our team? Oh, a break dance contest.
I'm gonna go hang myself in my closet.
I'm coming with.
or is this campus getting Is it me,
more cartoonish every day?
It's exciting. I painted a tunnel on the library.
I'm going for it. When it dries,
See that guy over there?
The one wearing the Gucci suit
in a lightweight woven wool-mohair?
We used to work together. Cool.
This is all I need. So he's from your origins?
You're all my friend needs. Excuse me, sir.
Your mouth isn't curved upwards. Did I misread something?
Sundance. Aw, Tango?
different partners. We worked with
Got it.
What brings you to Greendale? Hey.
that's worse than the truth. I'm a teacher. Wait,
I'm in no position to judge. I'm a student.
I'm here for an NA meeting. Narcotics Anonymous?
Remember when you asked for my secret,
I said yoga? I lied.
Abed, this is Alan Connor. I'm Abed.
This guy and I used to wipe the courtroom floor
with prosecutors.
The Litterbugs, DA called us
we put so much trash back out on the street.
Come here, come here. You still ticklish?
Hey, let's get a drink, huh? Stop that.
Yeah, I quit doing blow, Are you allowed?
not being rad. All right, let's do it.
Jeff can't go. He has class.
Well, those cargo pants would suggest otherwise. Heh, heh.
What has this place done to you?
Uh, you have no idea. Hat Club.
Now you have some idea.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some rope Tie me to dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
It can be here ♪ d Somebody said
Tied up, dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
They all just fade away d d One by one
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
So…?
So?
Anyone that's been in a team pop-and-lock-a-thon
knows you need seven people to stand a chance.
Oh, do you? We have seven.
is Winger's too busy Word on campus
hanging with his cool new lawyer friend.
Slow news day.
Jon Stewart. That's your Carson?
Look, we'll get back to you. You depress me.
don't take too long. All right, well,
And don't rip off this exit.
Obviously hanging with Alan. Where is Jeff?
Those two are like Siamese twins
the cell phone holster. attached at
I haven't met him yet.
Shouldn't we be happy that Jeff found an old friend?
Rob Lowe is to James Spader Alan is to Jeff what
in the 1990 film Bad Influence.
He's a bad influence. You saw it?
Hey, guys, I'm gonna be a little bit late today.
Alan and I are gonna take a quick sidebar.
Or any bar.
Oh, he's got Britta down.
You look familiar. It's possible.
Have you or someone you know been injured at work? Oh.
ran over my cousin. Yes, a shrimp boat
That's serious. Call me.
respectful of our time. Jeff, you need to be
Shirley, if I killed a man, as a Christian,
would you forgive me? I would.
Then either that man's life is worth less than your time,
or it's okay for me to be late. Ha, ha. Oh, no.
You've still got the moves, man.
If they gave away awards for mind games,
the statue would be Jeff Winger doing it to a brain.
I gave seminars on manipulation. Come on, Jeff's bush-league.
I can reach into a man's soul and unravel it with one tug.
Cool. Hit me.
You're bald. So are you.
I'll kill you, you…!
Mistrial. Come here.
Come on, man. Ha, ha, ha.
I have hair.
Father, I have hair.
On a tax evasion case? Yeah.
God, I miss talking about this stuff.
You should visit the office.
show my face there Right. I can't
after getting busted like that.
Jeff, you know what lawyers call someone
who defrauds the state bar,
cons his way into a firm? cheats on his LSATs and
Seriously? Best lawyer ever.
Hey, tomorrow night.
You're my guest. Office party.
Oh, no.
Come on, you just said you missed it.
I do. I really, really do.
What does Alan have that we don't?
A butt for Jeff's wiener. Heh.
we all have butts too. I mean,
just not for the same thing. We have butts,
say they're gay. I'm trying to
I don't like how much drinking and carousing they do.
It's a gateway to narcotics.
I know how I know Alan. Narcotics!
But I'm not allowed to say.
Which means that you met him in Narcotics Anonymous.
if you're not allowed? Why bring it up
Because…
He said something at a meeting about something bad he did.
He might have done it to Jeff, but I can't say what it is.
Okay, you've gone from precious to annoying.
What if you don't say it, but we guess?
With this group, I'm watching. Like charades?
Four words.
"Alan got Jeff disbarred." Uh…
Those junkies weren't thinking about rules
when they were shooting up scag.
Alan narced on you. Jeff,
"Narced"? Hm.
But he's, like, way too primo for that, Frank Zappa.
I think he turned you in to the state bar.
and he bragged about it. I was in NA
because my hair's longer, He doesn't recognize me
my skin's clearer.
I've lost a lot of weight… Annie.
He said he turned me in?
that got a rival co-worker fired He said he sent an e-mail
around the time you got caught.
They never covered this on Yo Gabba Gabba,
but that's circumstantial.
Any other meaningless conspiracy theories?
Yes. Did you know that Go-Gurt is just yogurt?
Know what a therapist calls this kind of relationship?
A gold mine. Codependent.
You guys don't want me to be happy.
It's getting claustrophobic. You want me to need you.
through the boundless wilderness I used to run full-speed
and now I'm in the zoo
where the horizon is wallpaper and the air is stale
and nothing is ever at stake.
In other words, we're not cool.
You may have heard it. I never said that.
I may have thought it. It may be true.
But I never said it.
the pop-and-lock-a-thon? See you at
No, Abed, I'm going to a cool party
from when my life was cool. at my cool former law firm
Fine, you can be on the team.
I get to be in the study group. New deal. If we win,
have never been higher. The stakes
Just want to thank everybody for coming.
You know, when I became a lawyer, I had a dream.
I had a dream that one day I'd be head of a firm
so nobody would be able to talk about the big,
weird hole in my hand.
behind my back. That's okay. Everybody talks about it
You know, I would.
is that you don't stare What's great, though,
or ask any questions.
for your restraint, And as a reward
I got a little something for you.
There. That ought to keep you going till Christmas.
Everybody have fun tonight.
Anyone else with that hand would wear a glove.
He controls a room with it. He's the master.
Well, he sure is a fan of yours.
Hey, when you talk to him, Oh, um…
will you mention me?
He keeps passing me over for partner.
Alan, did you invite me here with an ulterior motive?
God, I miss this place.
God, it's a sea of Wingers.
This whole place reeks of moral ambiguity.
Actually, that was me. I apologize.
new to high society, Now, you guys are
so just follow my lead and you'll be fine.
Second, I don't care. Leave. First, why are you here?
As a matter of fact, Jeff, we were invited.
Hey, you guys made it. Why would anyone do that?
Come on in.
more embarrassing, Before this gets
what is your misguided plan?
To apologize to you for casting aspersions on your friend.
And to show you we can be cool. Hey, is that Jeff Winger?
Find Annie and leave.
Ted. Hey, man. What's going on?
Wow, hey.
Alan's office number, Once Annie gets
you break into his office.
Hack into his e-mails and find proof
that he screwed Jeff over.
Fourth floor, 470.
I wanna rub Purell on my brain. First he said it was 69.
You are so missed here.
If we had five guys with your balls,
we wouldn't need 30 lawyers.
need a good doctor. True, but we'd
on my date. Ha, ha, ha. Ted, stop hitting
I'm kidding. We can share. Ha, ha, ha.
I love the brain in there. I get the head.
Ow, ow, ow. I'll eat it.
Jeff Winger's here. Hey, everybody,
Hey.
Should we notify someone
that our team is not gonna make it to the pop-and-lock-a-thon?
You actually think anybody cares?
the Heather Pop-and-Locklears? Checking in for
Okay. And where's the rest of your team?
They'll be here.
You're allowed to start by yourself.
But you won't stand a chance without someone…
They'll be here.
I brought stuff people use for capers.
Suction cup. Credit card.
Chloroform.
The credit card doesn't work, the chloroform does.
Annie, go back and keep lookout.
Why not you guys? Why me, lookout?
and Kumar get taken to jail. If someone comes up, Kanye
You get taken to dinner.
You guys, I'm the smartest one in this whole group
for is bait and distraction. and all I've been used
Ugh! Go on your stupid mission. I hope it sucks.
What did she say? I don't know.
All I heard was "suck."
I'm surprised Alan hasn't made partner.
I haven't fired him. I'm surprised
Why? He's got a better win record than I do.
trust fund jag off. He's a spineless
I'll tell you what, Jeff.
You're the best liar I ever employed.
If you can look me in the eye
and tell me you actually like Alan,
a full partner. I'll make him
Well, I only ever really liked one person.
And she liked my dad. My mom.
and the custody was settled, And after all the dust
the guy I really admired… Not liked, admired.
- leaving the courthouse - was the lawyer
and a sky-blue Mercedes SLK. in the great-looking suit
Sweet job. Sweet life. Sweet ride.
He couldn't care. He didn't care.
And the less he cared, the better he was.
We are a special breed
because we rise above the sloppy stuff
and look at the bottom line.
You wanna like your employees? Open a hair salon.
Make Alan partner. You wanna win?
has become the master. The student
Thank you, Jeff.
You make me wanna be a worse man.
you can't work cases Just because
doesn't mean you can't work. Be a consultant.
Ted, that would be amazing.
I'll be right back.
I'm sure you know Philip. Hey, Jeff,
if I sleep with Philip Did you know that
once a month,
I can use his beach house in Rio whenever I want?
Wow, you guys are really onto something.
I think you've found the world's newest profession.
Guys, guys. I actually have a civil case
that stole my husband. against that bitch
Shirley, don't sue a stripper. Why not?
Life sued her and she lost. She's a stripper.
Where's Pierce? Jeez, why am I even worried about him?
there's an island in Indonesia Hey. Did you know
where you can hunt people?
We need to talk.
I think this is it. Print it.
Nice. Excuse me.
This is not your office. Who are you guys?
I can explain.
Let me explain.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know what to do.
Oh, my God.
I usually have one foot out of reality.
Even I'm freaking out right now.
You chloroformed the janitor?
Stop yelling! You got caught! You're the one yelling.
We have to do something. We're in trouble.
My whole brain is crying. I don't know what to do.
Hey, hey. I have an idea. Guys, guys, guys.
a little weird, but trust me. Okay, it may sound
What's happening? Oh. We all got chloroformed.
Somebody chloroformed all of us.
And now we're regaining consciousness together.
I don't understand. Who is she?
Why is she holding a rag?
That was the worst idea ever. Can we run away now?
Yeah.
Sorry.
It is the fourth straight hour
and Ben Chang is still on his own.
One can only imagine what is driving him
to push himself to such limits.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
My body hurts. My body hurts.
Are you jealous because we were fitting in
with your cool friends? No.
I'm distracted watching you mutate.
Britta, you're not a whore.
Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek.
He didn't garnish wages.
Pierce, do I even need to say this?
to hunt man for sport. It is bad
Badass.
This is the e-mail
the bar association. that Alan sent
He stabbed you in the back, Jeff. He's a bad friend.
He's a bad friend. You're right.
But he's a good lawyer.
I appreciate you guys caring,
but you have to understand that I don't.
Caring is lethal around here. It's a disease.
You guys have it. I don't.
So if you do care about me, don't infect me.
that pop-and-lock-a-thon. Now go win
I'll see you Monday.
It's like watching a soul slip through our fingers.
But what more can we do?
Would you stop?
Tango.
I don't know how you did it, man,
at the firm's next partner. but you're looking
If I wasn't actively repressing my bi-curiosity,
on your beautiful mouth. I'd kiss you
Well, maybe you can return the favor one day.
Oh, maybe I can return it right now.
You probably know it was someone here
who turned you in. at the firm
God, this is really hard.
Alan, it's okay. You can tell me.
It was Thompson.
Thompson. Yeah.
Thompson, that adopted three at-risk teens
and donated his kidney to a temp.
Hm. All an act. Yeah.
Why do you think he quit right after you left?
Well, his wife died.
Did she, Jeff? Did she?
Anyway, congrats.
Hey, let's go do some shots with Phil, huh?
No, you go ahead. I, uh…
I think I caught something at-at Greendale.
I get you. Ha, ha, ha. College chicks.
You're bad.
Come on, it hurts.
Ben, you need to switch up your moves.
Whoa, do my eyes deceive me?
Troy Barnes tagging in for the save.
Only two teams left.
the Heather Pop-and-Locklears. The Poppy Lockstockings and
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
Troy, what's wrong?
I don't know. My heart's just not in it.
Maybe we should quit.
I mean, who even cares about this anyway?
looks like Jeffrey Winger. Next up,
Oh, Jeffrey, you're back.
Did you miss me? Took you long enough.
Oh! Now we got it.
Hey, hey! Yes.
Moves McGee. Whoo!
Did you punch Alan in his rotten face and storm out?
That guy is useful to me. Hell, no.
I've got leverage over Thanks to you,
that just made partner. a spineless jag
That is the place I want to work.
But I prefer to hang out with cool people.
People so cool, they care.
And now, the puppet. Aw.
Jeffrey.
on the dance floor, Winger. Ah, no parking
Heh, heh, heh. No, I'm serious. You're disqualified.
Poppy Lockstockings. The winners are
No!
I've been popping and locking for five hours
and you threw it all away.
The contest doesn't matter.
is we have each other. What's important
Then can I be in your study group?
Well, that wasn't the deal. We lost, so…
That was dope what we did.
That was so good. The puppet too.
The puppet was surprising.
I rolled my ankle during that, you know that?
He's bringing us down. You know what?
Let's move him. Can we move him?
Psst! Troy, it's me.
Abed?
I'm a cartoon now. I made through.
Nothing's impossible in here. That's impossible.
Animals talk, your heart is shaped like a heart
and the smell of pie can make you float.
You have to believe, Troy.
Wait, you don't have to believe. I didn't.
some damage there. I may have done