This is what happened. We was camping.
We was eating.
jumped down and eat my leg. And it was mountain lion
I think a mountain lion jumped down
someone's grammar. Right? and eat
The auto-tune remix is better.
Go to related videos. Uh-huh.
Good.
Professor? Oh, Annie.
we've been through this. Don't start,
is the study of humanity, Anthropology
is off-topic. nothing
I've seen this one. No, it's just,
Put in "Car Crash Camel Toe."
"Ski Lift Ninja Crotch Rip." Oh, wait, wait, wait,
Crotch Rip.
I'm a ski lift ninja.
Look, Dolly Parton eating a hot dog.
Stop that. Yeah.
I can do what I want.
if you type in "God"? What happens
Everyone hates you and asks… Do not boo her.
of definition cuts both ways. This subject's lack
If farts are fair game, so is God.
"God of Farts." Top hit,
Yeah.
You asked for it. It balances out.
Who wants to see that? That's blasphemous.
Seventeen million people.
Oh.
at my church last night. There were nine people
Auto-tune "God of Farts." Yes.
Way ahead of you.
REMIXED TO TECHNO MUSIC [FART SOUND AUTO-TUNE PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some rope Tie me to dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
It can be here ♪ d Somebody said
Tied up, dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
They all just fade away d d One by one
Abed?
Guess who's got two thumbs
and has a career opportunity for you?
This guy.
I'm pointing my thumbs at God.
One thumb to say, "That's great."
I told my pastor about YouTube and how there's no light there.
Our church wants to sponsor the making of a video
with a Christian message. Ha.
What, "Rapping Jesus"?
Please step aside and make room for a new generation.
Abed, would you like to make a Christian YouTube?
You're Muslim… As a Muslim, I'd be happy to.
storyteller, not a preacher. As a filmmaker, no. I'm a
the greatest story ever told. The Bible has been called
Ben Lyons said the same thing about I Am Legend.
Oh, well, I'll have to rent that then.
Whoa. What?
That's a lot of pasta for no veggies.
You're not in charge of what I eat.
That's true. Britta.
And some damn broccoli, please.
Pierce has been acting out a lot lately,
maybe you should talk to him.
How is that my job?
Aren't you, like, the dad?
Would the dad walk away from this conversation?
No? Uh…
You're having cookies for lunch? Yeah.
Hey, you didn't pay for those. Call a cop.
Heads up, gay wads. Oh, yummy.
when they're free. They're better
Fresh and stolen.
What are you looking at?
Your face.
That's what you're supposed to look at.
So you gonna sit down or what? So?
with the younger people. Oh, no, I usually sit
Well, la di da di da.
No, no, we watch videos on YouTune,
don't know what that is. and you guys
We don't care. Pierce, looking for us?
We're sitting over there. I can see.
Did you take your pills? Sheesh.
Meet Mama's boy. Ooh.
a private conversation here. We're having
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
Hi, I'm Britta. Pierce's… Pbbt!
meeting you guys. Very nice
"Very nice meeting you guys."
She's a lesbian. Come on.
the New Testament. Shirley, I read
The whole thing?
Being raised by TV and movies, I thought Jesus walked on water
and told people not to have abortions, but it's cooler.
Edward Scissorhands He was like E.T.,
and Marty McFly combined.
I'd love to make a Jesus movie.
What do you think we should do? Abed, that's wonderful.
Needs to be cool and addictive.
of the kitten falling asleep. Like that video
The story's been told to death,
I wanna approach it in a new way.
for the post post-modern world. We need a Jesus movie
Like Jesus as a rapper?
the story of Jesus No. I wanna tell
from the perspective of a filmmaker
exploring the life of Jesus.
That sounds very appealing to filmmakers.
Jesus is a filmmaker In the film,
trying to find God with his camera.
that he's Jesus He realizes
filmed by God's camera. and he's being
It goes like that forever
because the filmmakers are Jesus and the cameras are God.
And the movie is called, ABED.
Filmmaking beyond film. All caps.
A meta film.
My masterpiece.
I don't like it.
It's okay. You're reacting the way the world did to Jesus.
I'm reacting the way the world does
about making movies to movies
about making movies.
Come on, Charlie Kaufman,
some of us have work in the morning.
You don't wanna work on the movie?
This means there is no movie.
This is the movie.
* ABED *
is Jacks and Deuces wild. The game
Except if the dean comes in and then it's Bingo.
Keep it, I got another one.
If you get caught with that,
it's your 90th birthday. just say
it's adorable. Suddenly,
All right now. All right.
What is this again?
B-19.
I told you guys, no poker. No, B-19 my butt,
All right, shut this down.
Shut your mouth down, fruit.
unacceptable. Oh, hey,
and barely the whole truth. None of your business,
everyone, go home. All right,
Excuse me, mister? What, Pierce?
What year is it? What?
Poker helps him remember.
Veronica.
Okay.
You're okay, kid.
Shut up and deal, let's go.
for our sins? That's dopey. Jesus, did you really die
Oh, uh… Dope.
Oh, Freudian slip.
Perhaps due to my feeling dopey. Do the line, atheist.
Jesus, did you really die for our sins?
That's dope.
If you think that's dope, check out these
"beat-titudes."
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER KEYBOARD]
* Blessed be the peacemaker's Word to the meek *
* The kingdom of Heaven Is open all week *
* Jesus and me… *
I have arrived.
I am watched as I am watching.
I am audience and creation.
The Earth shall know my power.
what are you doing? Abed,
You blew the take. Oh, great.
No, no, keep rolling.
This can all be part of it. Ahh…
There are no takes.
There is no viewer.
The film is the story, the story is us.
We are the film.
This is totally meta.
non-meta production, shall we? Let's get back to our
No, I wanna watch this. Come on.
there's no time. Troy,
Then we quit. Right, Britta?
I don't even believe in God, but I love me some Abed.
Yeah. What are you…? But…
* ABED, ABED, ABED, ah *
Oh, look at it.
"The story of the story is the story."
Sure, that'll play in Poughkeepsie.
I heard some theaters are gonna show it in reverse.
I heard it's the same movie backward and forward.
I heard the deleted scenes are the scenes
and the scenes are the deleted scenes.
I heard Jesus died for our sins.
Wait, guys.
questions in the cafeteria. The director's answering
and isn't part of the movie. And it both is
Get a table. Yes.
in the movie right now? Abed, are we all
even when there are no cameras. We are all in a movie
When will the movie be released?
When is life released?
is a world premiere. Every minute
My father has already bought the popcorn.
Excuse me, Abed?
actually trying to say But you aren't
that you're Jesus, are you?
I am who you say I am.
Okay, yeah. Whoo.
It's meta now.
Except here is a thing:
I am a devout Christian,
into this poor boy's delusions. and you guys are feeding
So cool. She's an actual, real-life Pharisee.
Hey, bitch, why don't you go back to your temple?
Yeah. Yeah.
Why don't you all stop confusing Jesus
with an egotistical, filmmaking lunatic?
I forgive her.
So how's your film going, Abed?
Blasphemously.
It's not blasphemy to say that we are God, Shirley.
First Corinthians:
He who unites himself with the Lord
is one with him in spirit.
Did you just scripture me, Muslim?
Jesus was Jewish.
Are you ever gonna let that go? Hey.
No religious talk.
Somebody's late.
What is that in your pocket?
Pierce is smoking cigars. Jeff, Britta,
What's it to you, butt breath? Oh.
Look at your eyes. Out all night with those hipsters?
Hipsters?
Pack of old people in the cafeteria.
"Hipsters" because they have hip replacements.
They do not.
Leonard will probably kick your ass.
Leonard?
You're hanging out with Leonard?
You know I hate him. So?
That's why he's cool. Everybody hates him.
don't get it. You people
that I want to get it. I'm not sure
Take a break from these new friends of yours.
They've got you all riled up.
That's what Leonard said you'd say.
Leonard is not a part of this study group.
right now to… What? So you apologize
I'm not your father.
I never said you were.
Where are you going? Out.
Uh… When did Pierce become awesome?
shut you down, know that? I'm gonna
I do.
to shut you down. I'm supposed
I'm not gonna do it. Don't.
Good. I won't.
I am gonna shut you down. Good.
You should have seen his face.
He was terrified.
You're his worst nightmare now.
and you don't give a damn. You're old
Boo-yah! Ha-ha.
Don't make eye contact, we'll be fine.
Okay.
Silly old wuss.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey…
Lovely couple. The deanie's got a date.
Please give us a break? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't wanna see you when I come back.
We've made them angry. Go, run.
We've made them angry. He left his keys.
for a joy ride? Oh, who's up
I don't know. We could get into serious trouble.
Oh, come on. If we get caught,
we can just pretend we're disoriented,
they can give us a ride home.
Where am I?
What year is it?
But we've all been drinking.
Oh, grow a schmekel.
this is the last scene. Okay, everyone,
I wanna thank you all for contributing
to the greatest film ever made.
Shirley shut down production. And on the seventh day,
Abed, Shirley has informed me you are using school equipment
on school property to make a religious film.
an official complaint, She has filed
invoking the separation of church and state.
Pointed out the irony to her. Don't give a crap.
Let's be ironic, shut it down.
Abed, are you making a religious film?
are religious to me. All movies
Nice.
But is it a movie about Jesus?
Is The Matrix? Is RoboCop?
Is Superman Returns?
All stories are about death and resurrection.
I've got one, Wrath of Khan. That's a good one.
Spock sacrifices himself for the crew and gets reborn.
How captivating was Ricardo Montalban in that? I'm serious…
character's name isn't Spock. Except in Abed's film, the
That's true. It's Abed.
creative goosebumps here. Oh. I'm getting
I love Charlie Kaufman.
I need to run into editing,
and you can watch a take. grab a chair
I would love that.
I've never watched a take before. This is exciting.
Uh… You…
Say what you will about Abed, but the man cannot be killed.
I mean, it's almost like he's Jesus.
I got it.
we should be driving, I don't think
you know, old and groggy. I mean, we're all,
Ah. Stop worrying.
Richard flew zeroes during the Big One.
What do you mean "flew zeroes"? He's not Japanese.
during the Big One, Rich? What did you fly
Oh, stop farting around. Where am I?
Seriously, I don't know where I am.
What year is it?
How do I drive?
Hey, give me it.
Look out, look out.
Let's bail.
what about Richard? Wait a minute,
it's every man for himself. Screw Richard,
I'm getting out of here.
are you all right? Richard,
Well…
Am I Richard?
Yes. Then I'm fine.
But who are those people that ran away?
Our friends?
That's a good question. Oh.
What is?
There are no takes. There is no viewer.
The film is the story, the story is us.
We are the film.
So, what do you think?
I need to take a walk.
is the worst piece of crap Dear God. My movie
in my entire life. I have ever seen
How could I have been so blind?
It's a self-indulgent, adolescent mess.
I can barely sit through it.
And now with all this hype,
Snakes on a Plane brewing. I've got a real
Critics are gonna crucify me,
my career will be over before it begins.
God, if you're out there, I know I don't deserve it,
but I need your help.
Please take this project away from me.
Make it rain.
Send a meteor.
Anything. Please?
Now?
Okay, I get it.
This is what I deserve.
I'll finish it up.
* Shirley *
Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne's emergency contact.
Here to pick him up? No.
as his emergency contact. I'm here to be removed
Hey. One second.
I've got a class.
Does anybody have…? Where is everybody?
Is anyone coming to get Leonard?
No, nobody comes for him anymore.
to stop calling them. His kids asked us
he acts like that? Why do you think
So we're in prison, right?
bring him out. All right,
Come here, Pierce. Up, up.
Ahem. Hey. Go wait in the car.
It wasn't my fault.
You want me to change that or not?
I guess not.
Could you do me a favor?
Could you add Britta Perry as a contact?
P-E-R-R-Y.
a couple times a week? Give her a call
She gets pretty worried about him.
so make sure you call at night. And she works days,
Everyone thinks what you did was destined to happen.
God was making my movie. That it was proof
it could never exist. A movie so good
and they think you're a villain. They think I'm a genius,
You heard me praying.
I don't know what you mean.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
Abed sent me a new link
his video virality. and that man knows
So you're just gonna drop all pretense
of actually teaching us?
Yeah. Here we go.
* Blessed be the peacemaker's Word to the meek *
* The kingdom of Heaven Is open all week *
You finished my movie.
Don't know what you mean.
* Only from the saint there *
* Lepers have feet there Dogs love cats there *
* Cats love mice *
You humble me.
You humble me too.
* And the tables are pies *
* Ice cream is everywhere But never on your thighs *
It can be your hood d d Good news is
Okay, open your books because Abed has broken the Internet.
* As in word of God, yo *
Great.
is gonna head home and… So which one of us
Change.
Hilarious.
So you guys bought one of my outfits,
and then staked out my apartment every day until I wore it?
That's not pathetic.
Okay.
Well,
good job.
I guess I'm heading home to change now.
I hit traffic, did I miss it?
Darn it.