Anyone know how long it takes papier-mâché to dry?
Longer than it took Duncan to think up this assignment.
I think he's gonna appreciate the work we did
expanding our evolutionary chart.
Oh, Britta, can you hold up the final stage of humanity?
I still think man is gonna evolve into woman.
Not a dragon monster with three legs.
Three legs?
Well, it's been real.
At least the paste smell has.
But I have a date to catch.
Or should I say a catch to date.
Oof. I hope you just came up with that.
Look out, drive-by deaning.
I'm kidding.
Just a non-violent, verbal reminder.
The local shelter is having a Puppy Parade this afternoon.
Aw. Oh, I wanna lick it.
I expect all of you to lend a paw.
Heh, heh. Except you, Jeffrey.
I know you've got a catch to date.
Oh, like you're famous for your wit.
Puppy Parade? I am in.
I wanna see if those wiener dogs are born that way,
or if they start off normal and then get wiener.
Abed, did you pick up my pen?
It's purple with a gel grip.
Nope. I'm strictly mechanical pencils.
More relatable? It was just here.
You okay, Annie? Chocolate?
Can I push you to the parade, Pierce?
No, thanks. I don't want people to see me as a handicap.
If anything, this chair makes me more than a human.
You move it by blowing into this tube.
It's the most expensive one.
I outbid three hospitals for this baby,
and it was worth every penny.
Oh. Oh.
Wait. Please, just wait.
I'm sorry, but I need to know who took my pen.
Uh…
Sorry, I don't see it.
Yeah, sorry, Annie.
No. Not "Sorry, Annie."
We passed "Sorry, Annie" eight pens ago.
I keep bringing pens and you guys keep taking them,
and I'm afraid I'm putting my foot down.
Okay.
Now Annie has made it clear that this is an issue,
so from now on, we need to be more
respectful of her things, okay?
Okay. Cool.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
All right, it's not on the floor,
so whoever accidentally took…
Not accidentally.
Accidents don't just happen
over and over and over again, okay?
This isn't budget day-care.
Okay, whoever insidiously
and with great malice aforethought
abducted Annie's pen,
confess, repent and relinquish so we can leave.
Maybe nobody took it.
Sometimes I think I lost something important,
and it turns out, I already ate it.
I didn't eat my pen, Troy.
I know I brought it, and now it's gone.
Ah. I took a photo.
Aha.
Zoom in. See?
See? I took this 10 minutes ago.
My pen was on the table.
No one has come in or out since.
One of you has my pen right now.
Annie, it's a pen.
It's not a pen. It's a principle.
Not a good time to get gum. Okay.
Are we going to the Puppy Parade?
Feels like a bottle episode.
Again with the TV crap.
Hey, meatball, did you take Annie's pen
to make life more like Benny Hill or whatever you do?
Abed? I wouldn't do that.
I hate bottle episodes.
They're emotional nuance.
I might as well sit with a bucket on my head.
I have a photography project to finish.
My grandmother's hands
aren't gonna take close-ups of themselves.
Hasta la later. Hmph.
Was that "hmph" directed at me?
If the "hmph" fits. I don't have your pen, Annie.
I'm always lending you supplies. You never come prepared.
If it's so important, have my pen.
That's my pen. Whatever, people.
They're just things.
I don't suppose you'd mind letting us
take a quick look-see in your bag?
I'd very much mind, Annie.
There's no such thing as a quick invasion of civil liberties.
Oh, man.
It starts with a quick look into someone's bag.
Then it's a brisk peek at our phone records.
And before you can say 1984,
the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you
to bend and spread.
Are the Thought Police gonna make love to us?
They find thoughts in our butts?
I should've read that book.
Stop using the Constitution as a baby blanket.
She invoked the Freedom of Information Act
to request photocopies of my notes.
Heh. That's pretty good.
Well, excuse me for living free.
We all know the pen's in your bag.
Yeah, come on. Yeah, come on, just drop it.
Happy?
Not if that's a used Q-tip. Ew!
Gross. Yes, gross.
Welcome to the gross business of martial law.
Welcome to what used to be individuality
seized and disintegrated by cowardly groupthink.
Welcome, my friends, welcome to the machine.
It looks like you were wrong.
Britta does come prepared for one thing.
Or six. Big weekend?
Can't complain. Razzle pzazzle.
Attention, students.
The Puppy Parade is starting on the quad.
Come quick. Every moment, these puppies grow older
and less deserving of our attention.
Whoa, whoa. Where do you think you're going?
Have you ever gone to a Puppy Parade halfway through, Britta?
It is pointless. Then you clearly stole the pen.
The Patriot Act cuts both ways.
Actually, it's one-sided. That's the point.
Here's my point.
Whoever the thief is just watched me get Guantanamoed.
I'd like to know who it is so I can let them know
they have lost my trust.
It's a bottle episode.
We're sorry we looked at your prophylactic equipment.
Your mistakes are none of our business.
Oh, thanks, Shirley.
Let's rustle through your tampons and wallet
so we can apologize to you.
I'm sure everybody here knows I don't steal.
Have you checked? If you took it by mistake, I forgive you.
If I took it, it's larceny.
If you find it under mother hen, it's a mistake.
Mother hen? We're the same age.
Sure, unless time is linear. I'll make your ass linear.
That doesn't make sense. I'll make your ass sense.
Don't get your panties puckered.
We're all really thinking,
if the culprit is among us,
statistically speaking, it's Troy.
Yes, we were all just thinking that, in 1856.
1856?
What if a ghost took the pen?
Please forgive him. For what?
For stealing the pen, dummy. Why would I take her pen?
I don't even like having my own.
It's probably under Pierce's cast.
He uses everything to itch his legs.
We're on our third DVD remote.
If I took the pen, I'd say so.
You probably forgot.
Been popping painkillers like Tic Tacs.
Oh, yeah, right.
"Side effects, verbal dysphasia and octopus loss."
I don't see anything on this squirrel about memory.
Now I wanna know who has it.
Nice try. That doesn't take you off the list.
Jeff, you're in charge.
I demand you deal with this.
There's nothing to deal with. I'll say.
Okay, all right, all right, everyone breathe.
You know what this is? Yep.
Shut up. This is a normal day
with friends who are done studying
and a pen that rolled away. Rolled away?
Or fell down someone's shoe.
Let's check shoes. Annie.
Fine, fine.
Someone in this room is hiding your pen.
Wanna know why? They feel terrible.
They made a mistake.
They waited too long to come forward
and now they feel bad.
They should. Mm-hm.
Okay, okay. So, pen thief, we understand what happened,
and we forgive you. If you confess and apologize.
But here's the trick.
Because this person
now has no reason not to come forward,
if by some chance, I get to the count of three
and nobody comes forward, guess what.
We have to accept that no one has the pen, don't we?
Don't we?
Good. So here we go.
One.
Two.
Pierce, you have something to tell us?
Yes. Is it me, or has it become really obvious
that Jeff took the pen?
Yes. Definitely could be.
You wanna make a bet, you jerks?
Lockdown. Abed, seal the doors.
Nobody leaves until this pen shows up.
I don't like this.
Yeah, tell it to the pen you might have.
Gwynnifer? Hi.
Yeah, it's me. I can't make it.
Well, tell your disappointment to suck it.
I'm doing a bottle episode.
Okay.
You just became my hero. Thank you.
No pen. I can see that.
Why do you keep taking that tone with me?
Oh, I'll field that. If nobody else has this pen,
it means you realized you had it
and were too embarrassed to say, and we kill you.
I'm not hiding my own pen, you paranoid weirdo.
Everybody stay within each other's eyelines.
Me next, right?
Hold on. Can we please consider
the threshold that we are crossing?
We don't trust Abed?
He shredded my backpack. He freed my pet monkey.
Because we corrupted him. He's our innocent.
He put gum in your hair. Empty the bag, Abed.
Pierce, you don't have a bag? Giraffe.
Uh, Jeff, you don't have a bag?
I'd never deprive the world
of the part of my chest the strap would cover.
Makes sense. What's left, hugging and crying,
then we're done?
Wait, Abed, why is my name in here?
That's mine. And Shirley's and Annie's?
What is it? Charts,
some kind of calendar?
That's my personal private business.
"Annie, 4 on, 28 off, next November 10th.
Britta, 5 on, 27 off…"
Oh, my God. Are you charting our menstrual cycles?
What? Gross.
Abed, this is so personal. And so accurate.
Creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.
I can explain.
I thought you'd keep yelling over me. I can explain.
I have trouble reading people, I say the wrong things.
I noticed it was happening more often with you three.
I noticed fluctuating patterns and started graphing them.
By the time I realized what I was measuring,
it had started to yield positive results, so I kept doing it.
Were you ever gonna tell us about this?
I feel so violated.
Thanks.
More chocolate?
Aah! Get away from me.
Abed just became my hero.
Can I have a little…? No!
Sheesh. Guess it's true what they say about the sync-up.
If I could share a few words of sarcasm
with whoever took this pen.
I wanna say thank you for doing this to me.
Thought I'd have to suffer through a Puppy Parade.
I prefer being entombed in a mausoleum of feelings
I can neither understand nor reciprocate.
Whoever you are, can I get you anything?
Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mm-mm?
Okay, sarcasm over. You're last up, Shirley.
Dump your comedically huge bag and end this.
Uh… No, thank you.
Well, well, well, Harvey Keitel.
Well, what do you know, Henry David Thoreau.
My, oh, my, Mike Tyson.
Empty the bag. No, I don't have Annie's pen.
I'm a Christian woman that doesn't open her bag.
What did the Christian woman think would happen?
You'd find it on the Muslim.
Real nice. Nicer than you, condom carrier.
Dump the bag or you're guilty. No.
Aah! Aah!
Oh, Lord, he's thrown a clot. Pierce.
Call 911. Pierce… Aah!
No. No.
Pierce, you didn't need to do that.
Yes, I did. All you guys do is talk,
leaving me to do the things you won't do.
People like you are the reason
we took so long to get into Vietnam.
Is this what you were trying to hide, Shirley?
A pregnancy test?
And more importantly,
are they seriously marketing them to black women?
Guys, this is a terribly childish way
to handle this kind of situation.
Does this mean you have a new boyfriend?
Who, who, who?
Not that it's anyone's business.
I recently reconnected with my husband over Labor Day.
The Lord may have a plan that doesn't include
that slut he ran away with. You're not pregnant, Shirley.
Why does everybody think I'm old? I'm around Jeff's age.
I have a uterus. According to my charts,
you couldn't have conceived Labor Day.
You would've been ovulating on Halloween.
If you're gonna have a pregnant woman,
I say go elevator labor or go home.
Halloween?
Well, that's that, then. Yeah, what a relief.
Looks like someone narrowly avoided a mistake of their own.
Oh, or is it only bad if you sleep with unmarried men?
The Bible doesn't recognize divorce.
You marry a man, he's your man.
After he marries someone else,
if you jump into the sack with him,
you're an angel, so long as you don't use protection?
I'm so glad you're enjoying this.
And I hope whoever stole that pen enjoys it in hell.
Nice try, Stephen Fry.
Stephen Fry.
We all have an agreement. Nobody leaves till we find it.
Oh! Yeah, here we go.
We are gonna find this pen.
We are gonna find that pen.
Oh… And if we can't find it,
our children will find it.
Is it over here in these books, the pen?
This incredible, magical pen
that nobody knows how it could disappear.
Oh, maybe it's right in here.
Guys, this is school property.
Can we just forget it?
It's a pen.
Oh.
It's a pen now?
Really?
It's not a principle anymore?
Now it's a pen?
Why the change of heart?
You're not seriously accusing me. We searched my bag.
Which is exactly the last place you'd put it
if you found it halfway through all this.
In fact, assuming that one of us does have the pen,
who has the most incentive
to make sure it never sees the light of day?
You wanna go there? Yeah.
I'll go there, Okay.
I was born there. Really?
There's a placard there commemorating me.
What's going on and how can I help?
Annie, relax. No, you relax, Jeff.
Or are you scared if you do, my pen will fall out?
Oh, you precocious little bitch.
Okay, guys, guys, hey, guys, stop.
You're being completely illogical.
We need to flip the table, divide by gender, then search
each other in our underwear. What?
Now what?
Everybody shake. Enough to dislodge.
Okay, anything hit the floor? No.
What are those underwear made out of?
Oh, they're an organic soy-cotton blend.
This Gwynnifer must be real special.
Don't you usually wear the stripey Beetlejuice numbers?
What does she mean, usually?
All right, end of the road.
We've torn apart the room, we've stripped.
There is absolutely no place left…
No.
No! No.
Damn it. Broke my scissors.
Here. Be careful.
That's the last pair we have.
Also, don't cut his legs.
I'm worried we've gone too far.
This is how super villains are created.
Can't you just make a speech about trust
throw in a few digs at a celebrity
and put a ribbon on this thing?
Abed, think about this for one second.
If a single one of us leaves this room
before we find that pen,
how can any of us trust anyone in this group ever again?
What's your hurry?
I'm clothing myself.
I'm not comfortable in my all-together
like you two anorexic jezeb…
Oh, I'm so sorry, that was really mean.
I don't know where that came from.
We've all been through a lot today.
And I'm sure this pregnancy scare's
been weighing on you all week, right?
Mm-hm.
And maybe that's why you took my pen?
What? Where are you hiding it?
Oh, my goodne…
All right, here we go.
It smells like a Waffle House sink.
Pierce, are you using Slim Jims to scratch your legs?
Have we not gotten to a place free of judgment yet?
This isn't it, this isn't it, where is it?
Where's the pen, where's the pen?
Where's the pen?
It's getting a little chilly outside,
so the animal wranglers asked every student
to pick up a puppy and hold it so they stay warm
while the volunteers hand out puppy-sized hats.
Honestly, I don't know
why I'm even making these announcements.
There can't be anyone who isn't already on the quad.
Annie, I'd just like to say,
on behalf of whoever actually stole this pen,
I really am sorry about all this.
I knew it was you. I knew it was you.
It could be any of you.
For all we know, it's you.
I wish it were. I really do.
I wish I could just find it behind my ear.
I'd rather be that stupid than have to think
any of us might be inconsiderate.
After all we've been through, it almost seems impossible.
It seems less than impossible.
Something impossible actually seems more likely.
Here we go. A Winger speech to take us home.
What if a ghost took the pen?
Let him finish. I am finished.
For real, honestly, seriously, why not?
Why not just a ghost took the pen?
Okay, I've been saying that for hours.
And we should've listened to Troy from the beginning.
Guys, look in your hearts
and answer this question honestly.
What's more likely?
That someone in this group
doesn't belong in this group or ghosts?
If we have to choose between turning on each other
or pinning it on some specter
with unfinished pen-related business,
I'm sorry, but my money's on ghost.
Well, I'm not a religious person,
but I've seen specials on the paranormal.
Anything's possible.
Relative to the alternative?
It actually seems more logical to me.
Why would a ghost want a pen?
Troy?
Okay, so I see it
as a lot like the movie Paranormal Activity,
except for more boring and fancy.
And I think in 1856,
it is possible that a man was beheaded
while he was writing in his diary
to his long-lost love.
And now he roams the halls of Greendale
screaming for his pen
so he can write her a love letter.
"I need her, I need her,"
he screams as he looks for a pen.
What the hell did you people do in there?
Something you could only dream of,
you non-miraculous son of a bitch.
Non-miraculous?
Wait. Abed.
Now, who could resist falling in love with our next float?
This Autumn Colors puppy reminds us
that while the leaves might be changing,
responsible pet ownership is always in season.
Oh, here's a crowd favorite, the Top and Tails float.
A champagne bath and a red sports car?
Let's hope he's single.
Okay… Oh, okay.
Well, this one feels a little preachy. Oh.
Boo! Boo!