Agnes, cancel my appointments.
What appointments?
Wishful thinking.
"Alternative Energy: It's called,
a Brighter Tomorrow." The Key to
Notice all the animals wearing sunglasses?
a brighter tomorrow? Because it's
Yeah.
My boys are in elementary school.
They don't make as many dioramas as we do.
making them for Green Week. The Environmental Club is
And this afternoon, in the cafeteria,
a Bio-Diorama-Rama. we're having
I heard one kid made a diorama
without dioramas. about a world
Still cool if I sleep over at your place tonight?
Totally. We're both done with classes,
the sleepover now. we can start
and build a blanket fort. Let's get in our pajamas
A blanket fort. Wow.
hang out with us later. You can come
but I think I'll find Uh, thanks,
something more grown-up to do.
Hmph. Okay, enjoy eating fiber
and watching The Mentalist.
Britta, that wasn't nice.
I'm sorry, Shirley.
But who wants to hang out in a blanket fort
in tiny Underoos? with grown men
Hello. So, Jeffrey, I was just looking over
your class schedule. Why?
a random spot check. Uh, maybe it was
Maybe it was a specific spot check.
Maybe I'm making a scrapbook.
not be receiving credit The point is, you will
for your independent study:
"Conspiracy Theories in U.S. History."
Because the class doesn't exist What? Why not?
and neither does the teacher, Professor Professorson?
What? That's his name, it's Dutch.
I think it means "professor."
I think it means poppycock.
The ultimate Jeff Winger blow-off class.
The one that doesn't exist.
Now I have to audit an entire system for shenanigans,
which means, bye-bye, weekends.
Bye-bye, writing at Starbucks
till a certain Persian barista asks me about my novel.
to blow off regular classes, God, Jeff, it's one thing
but this devalues all the credits
I work very hard for.
and say this is nuts? Can I defend myself
this professor, in his office, I've been meeting with
every Wednesday, all semester.
Professor Professorson? Yes.
You're gonna commit to this? Really?
Commit to what? Reality?
Okay, then, please, lead me to Professor Professorson.
This I got to see. Gladly.
I've dreamt of playing charades with you,
just not like this, and not on dry land.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some more Time in a dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
It can be here ♪ d Somebody said
Tied up dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
* One by one they all Just fade away *
Oh, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
We're too big for this, aren't we?
Yeah.
If we went two pillows higher in the corner,
we could vault the ceiling. Bump up the square footage.
Make this a blanket fort for men.
* Time well spent ♪
Well, here we are,
Professor Professorson's office.
Oh. Oh.
I don't know what's going on. Believe me.
studying conspiracy theories I've spent a whole year
with Professor Professorson right here.
Wait. Of course.
Conspiracy theories. This is a test.
about real conspiracies He's teaching me
by erasing his existence.
do you know what this means? My God,
Jeff thinks other people are. That's how stupid
I knew you were lazy, but I didn't realize
that you would stoop to such pathetic lies.
are another man's truth, One man's lies
wouldn't you say, Jeff?
and who are you? I'm sorry,
I'm Professor Professorson.
Wow. You really had me going there for a second.
I thought I was going insane. Precisely.
to round out your education An actual conspiracy
and theories thereof. in conspiracies
is Professor Professorson? Your real name
is Professorberg, My family name
we were fleeing from the Nazis. but we changed it when
Oh, I'm so sorry. You've never heard of me,
since I primarily teach night school.
My faculty ID.
Huh. Well, I guess I've never stuck around late enough
night-school professors. to meet you
TV's gotten crazy good, you know.
Well, I have to take this.
for indulging me, dean. Thank you
10 through 12 of Douglas Jeff, read chapters
and see you next week.
That is, if I still exist.
See you, professor.
Sorry to doubt you, Jeffrey.
More importantly,
out with this audit,
back to chapter one of:
Time Desk: The Chronicles of Dean Dangerous.
That is gonna be the worst book I'll ever read cover to cover.
I'm a terrible friend.
I accused you of being a lying cheat.
Can you ever forgive me? Sure.
Here's the thing, though:
I've never seen that guy in my life.
Professor Professorson? What? That wasn't
Professor Professorson. There is no
I forged a form I made him up.
with a phony teacher and class for a free credit.
Oh. You lying cheat. I knew it!
Wait, then…
who was that? I don't know.
Wait, what? I don't know.
What should we do? We should grab some lunch.
I'm serious. So am I.
I saw Fat Neil headed to the cafeteria.
We got 10 minutes to grab the last lima bean.
You made up a professor
and he appeared out of thin air.
You're not curious how that happened?
My latest theory?
I've denied the signs. I'm a god.
So typical, you're gonna blow off what happened?
Yes, especially when not blowing it off
my free credit. might cost me
Now, do me a favor,
and blow it off too. be very un-Annie
Oh, I'll just blow it off. Oh, sure.
everything off. I'll just blow
Heck, I guess I'll blow off walking.
Okay.
And now I'll just blow off standing.
I'm just blowing everything off.
I'll blow off talking language. Excuse me.
Okay.
Hey, bros, what's the haps?
Whoa.
Can I come inside? Sweet fort.
You could, Pavel.
Or maybe the inside could come to you.
How would you characterize
the amount of blankets and pillows you have?
A buttload.
I get wicked cold, bros.
Mad sleepy.
to help me take my diorama If you're here
to the Bio-Diorama-Rama, I can do it myself.
Yes, you made that clear
"I can do it myself" text. in your 11th
You even work too hard at passive aggression,
you know that?
Hey, so do you know anything
about Greendale's night school?
it's the worst thing Yeah, I'm assuming
you could ever hope to be in,
only at night.
Damn it. Have you been playing detective?
You'll Nancy Screw me out of my credit.
Relax. All I did was ask the administration desk
if I could borrow a faculty directory.
And take a look at this.
Is that Professorson?
Professor Woolley. His real name is
And he actually does teach night school here.
Why would someone you've never met
pretend to be your phony professor?
He was carrying falsified faculty credentials.
You know what this means? Yes, you are making me do work
for my fake conspiracy class.
There's a conspiracy here. Exactly.
A dark, vast conspiracy
all the way to the top. that may just go
This is Greendale, Annie. If there's a conspiracy,
to slightly below the middle. it goes all the way
Wait a minute.
Something's wrong.
My car won't start.
Hold on one second. Hello.
Tell your little friend
to stop snooping around night school.
things might get explosive. Otherwise,
Annie!
Yeah. You okay?
need to tackle you. I probably didn't
Probably not.
Looks like someone sent us a message.
A tiny, thoroughly underwhelming message.
I hope you've already laid out your outfit
for tomorrow morning.
Because we're going to night school.
from my son's house. I stole these
stop being a fort? When does a fort
Hey, as long as it's still made out of blankets, right?
These will be perfect
for the Pierce's Mom Memorial Tunnel.
So this is night school,
Professor Woolley's class? but where's
How about this one?
Professor Huyck's class: No, that's
You can't pronounce it? "History of Something."
It literally says
Let me see that.
"Principles of Intermediate"?
"Studyology"?
"Class 101"?
Look, this one just says "Learning!"
with an exclamation point.
Hello, Professor Professorson.
Or should I say Woolley?
are you teaching tonight? What class
Math.
Uh-huh. Math?
Do you mind if we sit in?
Right this way. Not at all.
do you teach, professor? So, what kind of math
Oh, you know, math. Uh…
Numbers.
Pi.
New math. Um…
Get him!
that blanket fort. He went into
I think he went this way.
You see him? No.
Come on.
Hey, Annie. Troy, Abed.
Welcome to Fluffy Town. No smoking, no farting.
We're in a chase.
That's allowed.
There he is!
Follow us. But afterwards,
you should really check out our civil rights museum.
Leonard, back up. You shouldn't even be in here.
You have three farting strikes. He's getting away.
through the Turkish district. I know a shortcut
Hey, man.
Britta?
Hey.
Go.
What the hell is this? There he is.
Latvian Independence Parade.
they had the proper permits. Don't look at me,
We lost him. Dang it.
I sent the diorama car to the chem lab
to have the explosive analyzed. We could…
playing the trejdeksnis? Isn't that him
Now tell us everything. Nice try, Woolley.
Tell you?
I'll show you.
What is this place?
is night school. This, Annie,
Every student, every teacher, every class.
Figments.
from the lips of a ghost Puffs of hot air
of a unicorn's dream. in the shadow
Night school doesn't exist. I made it up.
here at Greendale like you. I used to be a student
I invented a fake course Then one day,
to get a free credit.
I had to create a fake teacher, To keep up the lie,
other fake classes who needed
that needed to be filled with fake students
and so on, and so on, and so on, exchetera.
Did you just mispronounce "et cetera"?
My Latin class was fake, Jeff.
Like all my classes, like my life.
Aren't you listening? Yeah, I am.
And a very familiar feeling is starting to come over me.
to teach me something. Someone is trying
that's ever been learned Jeff, the only thing
in this room is regret.
Would that this desk were a time desk…
so that I could correct my past mistakes,
ride dinosaurs.
Fight with Jack the Ripper.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Unicorns? Ghost lips?
Time desks?
overly stylized garbage Doesn't any of this
remind you of anyone?
Everything this guy says
sure-to-be-unpublished pages is ripped from the
of Dean Dangerous.
I don't know what you mean. Oh, I think you do.
By the way, next time you walk someone to your fake lair,
the Theater Department. don't pass
Drama Professor Sean Garrity.
Whoa.
That character was killing me. Thank God.
if you ever scrape Word of advice,
the dean's car, don't tell him
you're gonna pay him back in acting.
On Thanksgiving, I'm supposed to crash his family dinner
of stealing my girlfriend. and accuse him
Wow.
all the way to the top. I guess this did go
I'm calling the dean right now
and giving him a piece of my mind.
No, wait. Garrity.
Does the Theater Department
have any of those prop guns that fire blanks?
a modern retelling of Macbeth Of course. We did
set in gangland Chicago.
And you think I'm lazy. Oh, fresh take.
Prop guns?
Jeff, what do you have in mind?
A little demonstration for the dean
of trying to educate me. on the dangers
He doesn't like fake classes?
to get a real lesson Well, he's about
on the fact that Jeff Winger never learns.
Here he comes. Get set.
You wanted to see me?
Oh.
Hi, Mr. Professorson.
His real name is Woolley.
And he's defrauded your school
dozens of credits per year to the tune of
twice as many dollars. and nearly
Well, that's serious.
Fortunately, I'm a big believer in second chances.
I'm not.
Annie! Annie.
Oh, my God! You… You shot him.
He was being dishonest. Of course I shot him.
Greendale's taught me, it's… And if there's one thing
Whoa, what the hell?!
She had a gun. It was a fake gun.
back at you for deceiving us. We staged this to get
Oh, you're the deceiver, Jeffrey.
you're the dead guy. Yeah? Well, now
Jeff, what are you doing?
Why do you have a real gun?
Why did you shoot the dean? Well, he shot you.
Not really. He and I were in on this from the start.
When he found out you were faking a class,
he came to me and we cooked up this conspiracy thing
to illustrate the slippery slope of academic fraud.
actually illustrated, Annie? You know what you
How to be a crappy friend.
Once it was obvious the dean had orchestrated everything,
it was even more obvious
the dean was too stupid to orchestrate anything.
So on a hunch, I called him Mm-hm.
and we hatched a plan
to teach you a lesson or two about friendship.
But, Jeff, I only did it because I love you.
Well, when you love someone,
you have to take them as they are.
People aren't playthings, Annie.
No, they are not.
Look who's talking.
you've put me through? After everything
Okay, where did you get that gun?
There were only three prop guns.
in a terrible neighborhood. I live
Annie, put the gun down.
After we kissed, I waited all summer to see you.
like a shameful secret. You buried me
What's the matter, Jeff? Whoa.
would go crazy for you? Afraid crazy Annie
Well, guess what.
Annie's got a gun.
Annie, just put the…
Annie, what have you done?
Jeff Winger so much, If you love
why did you conspire with me against him?
I don't know.
of any of it anymore. I can't keep track
with whoever suggests it. I just keep teaming up
Glad to hear you admit it.
When I called you to ask you to double-cross Annie,
you didn't hesitate.
what a conspiracy is? Do you understand
with every person, If you conspire
conspiring with anyone, you're not even really
you're just doing random crap.
I know, I'm sorry. I just…
I just wanted to have fun with you guys.
in my little office and… I go crazy cooped up
Time travel is really hard to write about.
Okay.
If I'm keeping track right, we should be done.
I'll just take these back to the Theater Department.
Drop the weapons! Police!
Down on the ground. Don't shoot, don't shoot!
Please, they're fake.
Those were prop guns!
it just goes to show you, Well, I guess
prop guns belong backstage.
And scene.
You have got to be kidding me!
what all of you were up to. Professor Garrity told me
Guns aren't toys. Made me mad.
Fact, in 100% of all fake-gun-related shootings,
the victim is always the one with the fake gun.
you got breakfast plans? Hey, Sean,
I do now.
So, Sean?
for Thanksgiving, right? We're still on
Just talk to your father, Craig.
Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie.
Hey, dean, how about that credit?
No!
Damn it.
I'm not sure what lessons
teach each other, we've managed to
but I'm proud of Annie.
She took to deception like Abed took to Cougar Town.
It's really good.
Especially when she went off-script.
You said to be convincing.
Check it out, bros.
You made the front page.
You know what this means?
We've gone mainstream.
Initiate Protocol Omega.
Hey.
We've started looting.
Hey, that old, crabby man just stole my TV.
a cardboard submarine? Wanna build
Get out of my brain.
Once. Upon.
A. Time.
There. Was.
A…
Spaceship. Big.
Aliens. And.
Mercenaries. And.
War. And?
Betrayal.
And?
Romance? And?
Karate. And?
Credits.
End. The.
a screenplay together. We should write
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.