I looked everywhere. Really? Hi!
Hey. Hey.
Happy New Year!
Hi.
Everyone have a good break?
I discovered a new muscle to work out.
Ladies, you'll thank me come tank-top season.
Pierce's wardrobes I checked all of
to magical worlds. for portals
was something called All I found
Emmanuelle in Spac on laser disc.
I couldn't watch it but it sounded sexy.
"Laser disc."
I joined a volunteer group that cleans the city.
We picked up litter and dredged the river.
Dredged it for what?
You know, garbage and stuff.
Tires. Condoms. Needles.
we found a finger. At one point
your I-love-butterflies voice? Why are you using
I don't know. What? Am I?
Volunteer work is nice.
You do nice things… with nice people.
Ooh.
Somebody's finding river fingers with a cute boy.
What? No.
but it doesn't matter. Well, okay, yes,
It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy.
Is it the Russian guy that looks A guy that goes to Greendale?
like a short Johnny Depp? It doesn't matter.
Is it the guy who looks like Vince Vaughn
I don't wanna talk about it. but smells like fish?
that I'm happy to talk about. I have someone in my life
Again with the Jesus.
Jesus is always in my life.
looking better every day But things have been
with my ex-husband.
Is it the guy that looks like Anderson Cooper?
No. Is it black Michael Chiklis?
No. White George Foreman?
about the same person. You guys are talking
David, and he's a human being. He's bi-racial, his name is
a friend. Change the subject. Stop guessing. It's just
"Chang" the subject.
What are you doing up there?
It's the beginning of a new semester of anthropology.
what I was promised. I'm here to get
Chang's pile of nothing? Sure. Who has
I am sick of the runaround. You know what I mean.
I'm here to demand an answer
about whether I'm joining the study group.
an immediate answer, If we have to give
it would have to be no.
Take your time. Sleep on it.
Then get back to me, or else.
Jeff, you did say we would let him in eventually.
That was before he started using his name as a pun.
Oh, God, it's happening to me. It makes me so Changry.
Let's get back to who Annie loves. Is it Fat Neil?
Optimus Prime? Bluestreak?
I know some of these are Transformers.
Who cares who it is? Let's just study.
our first class yet. We haven't had
Can we talk about something other than Annie's love life?
We could talk about my love life.
Is it Jean Claude Van Overbite?
We should learn people's names.
I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some more Time in a dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
It can be here ♪ d Somebody said
Tied up dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
* One by one they all Just fade away *
Duncan's late.
I hope he didn't drive his car into another marathon.
How can you wanna date your ex-husband
after what he did to you?
Oh, he apologized. He apologized.
I guess that completely un-bangs that stripper.
for being forgiving. Well, forgive me
you don't know how. Oh, that's right,
I'm relieved Shirley is seeing her ex-husband and not Chang.
Why would she be with Chang?
Why do I have to say everything I'm thinking?
I wish my mouth was further away from my brain.
I wish my brain had its own brain.
I wish Chang hadn't had sex with Shirley.
What? When?
Where?
I can't talk about it. How?
Troy, I'm your roommate. I can keep a secret.
Remember that Halloween party that none of us can remember?
I don't remember anything we can remember.
Well, Chang left me a message that night saying they did it.
But you can't tell anybody.
as your roommate, You have my word
I will never violate. and that is a bond
You can't tweet it either. We never discussed new media.
Sorry all that stuff got dragged out
about me having a crush on somebody.
Why would you be sorry about that?
You know, awkward.
You don't think I actually care, do you?
to think I thought you cared. No, I just didn't want you
second semester of anthropology, Greetings, welcome to your
where it is about to get real.
where we left off last year. Now, I forget
Uh… Fat Neil. The Bronze Age?
Thank you, Fat Neil. Neil's fine.
an actuarial standpoint. Not from
Now, please forgive my lateness,
how to find Greendale sober. but I wasn't sure
Yes, you heard me right, I have stopped drinking,
mainly due to the fact
that I could no longer get an erection.
Now that I'm on the wagon, you can expect
both this class and my penis
to be more focused and rewarding.
Also, there's gonna be more than one diorama.
Lame. Ugh.
I am so sorry.
and today was graduation. I train seeing-eye dogs
shaking all their little paws. I couldn't leave without
Rich. Jeff.
Rich. Annie.
Annie? Rich?
You're taking anthropology? You made it sound so fun.
We spent the holiday break dredging a river together.
A finger, yeah. Hmm. We found…
Sounds gruesome, but I'm used to seeing that kind of thing.
Because I'm a doctor. Oh!
That's terrific.
You're valuable.
I can't believe Rich actually enrolled in our class.
It means he likes me, right?
Why wouldn't he? He is so sweet.
Yeah, sweet and wise.
such a long, full life. He has lived
How old is he again? Thirty-something.
and uses the word "album." He has a landline
he's too old for me? You don't think
No, come on, by that logic, No.
with anybody at this table. I wouldn't have a shot
Speaking of creepy, Ugh.
sober Duncan is worse than drunk Duncan.
This class is about to get really hard.
I have an idea about that. Rich is really smart
about anthropology. and he knows a lot
studying with him, If we start
it could help a lot, plus, you know…
Oh, you know what, though? Heh-heh.
I just realized.
So unfair to so many people, right?
you're always talking about Britta,
no one of Latin descent. how it's weird we have
Pierce, you're looking for someone old enough
to find your racism subversive.
I could go on and on.
There's a process. It takes time.
we gather all the candidates Well, then I say
and make an informed, democratic decision.
We can have a mixer, invite the people
for consideration. we're submitting
All in favor of tonight?
Cool. Oh, I am.
Thank you, I'm finished.
about two more good years. No, I'd say you got
Oh, everyone, this is Andre,
my ex-husband and boyfriend.
He came to spend the day with me.
Hey, nice to meet you guys. I've heard a lot about you.
We haven't heard a lot about you
or what you've done or with who.
Heh-heh, well, I hope you give me a chance
to make up for everything you haven't heard.
Hey, how about a round of soft serve on me?
Isn't he handsome?
of soft serve by a lot of guys. Shirley, I've been fed a lot
Sometimes it's rent money,
Chili Peppers tickets. sometimes it's
And, yeah, I'll admit it,
one time it was a gym bag full of nickels.
and they never change. But it never lasts
Britta, I'm a grown-ass woman and I made my decision.
it's the right one? How do you know
Because I'm pregnant, okay?
to share my exciting news, I was going to wait
but now's a good time to tell you
that I am eight weeks along.
Which is a little surprising.
Halloween.
Nothing. What?
fellow anthropology students. Thanks for coming,
For the first semester,
"that study group." you knew us as
we wanna get to know you. But tonight,
Please forgive the spread.
haven't been restocked. The vending machines
to Tropical Skittles, So help yourselves
cigarettes or mouthwash.
And, uh, have a good time.
Okay. So I have to figure out
with her ex-husband if Shirley did it
the week after Halloween.
How are you gonna do that?
I got moves.
So bun in the oven.
Guess it's no surprise, after working on it.
I wouldn't quite say working on it,
just kind of happens, you know? Oh, yeah, I do.
when the season's right. Especially
Pumpkins everywhere. Oh. Dead leaves.
I guess. Nature's Viagra, right?
And then when all the pumpkins just start to rot
have removed their outfits and all the children
because they've already gotten their candy.
You know, I'm gonna go talk to some other people, all right?
His mind is like a fortress. So?
"Look, you slept with Chang," Why not tell Shirley,
and let her deal with it?
If someone had sex with Chang
and they get to not remember it happened,
that's a gift from God.
I'm not taking that away without a good reason.
Here's a good reason.
You ever find parsley in your teeth
hadn't told you about? that your friends
Now imagine your teeth are a uterus
is a half-Chinese baby. and that parsley
I want you to meet someone. Hey, guys,
My name is Quendra, I spell it with a Q-U.
about taking anthropology. She's thinking
So maybe she would make a nice addition or two
Something to consider. to our study group.
Are you Abed?
I love Star Wars.
That's Troy.
I love footballs.
We're dealing with heavier things
than your shameless lobbying.
Rich brought kettle corn.
That's a fun-time snack. Kettle corn?
I make it in my garage.
I spell kettle corn with a Q-U.
Well, don't.
What's going on? What is this?
It's a mixer.
from anthro class here? Why is everyone
a new study group member? Are you guys picking
Didn't know how to reach you. You didn't invite me?
What are you talking about? I'm everywhere.
We didn't know how to reach you.
That's not true. That's a lie.
We didn't know how to reach you. It's a mixer.
It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.
Works every time.
This is so good.
Fifty dollars? What a pig.
You can't make this at home.
we should vote now. Jeff, I think
after we ran out of Skittles. Most people left
Come on, it's pretty obvious Rich is the best candidate.
Yeah, looks like he's our guy. I'll be right there.
This can't be happening.
I agree.
then do a slow clap. You can't talk,
You don't know that.
But I know this.
Unless you want a front-row seat to Annie loves Richie,
it's time to "Chang" your point of view.
It's not even clever.
You keep using it as the word "change."
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Just, uh, do me a favor.
Let me do all the talking and follow my lead.
Okay. Deal.
do you have brain damage? Seriously,
Rich is also board-certified in pediatrics.
to volunteer in the rainforest Once a month he flies down
fixing children's cleft palates
and teaching them acoustic guitar.
Other than that, well,
speaks for itself. his kettle corn
I couldn't agree more.
Looks like this is an open-and-shut case.
Did someone say case?
Because I haven't made mine yet.
What? What's your case?
Ben Chang is my case.
You can't be serious.
Oh, I'm serious, baby.
I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM.
World Serious of Seriousness. Welcome to the
Sponsored by Honey Nut Seri-os.
Are you stalling right now?
Stalling?
Stalling. No, Annie.
In fact, you're gonna wish I was stalling…
Oh, I just got it. Thank you. Oh.
some names to you. I wanna say
Want some?
Jeffrey Dahmer.
Ted Bundy.
Rich.
What do they have in common?
We don't know them very well.
What do we know about Ben Chang?
We know he's nuts. Let him finish.
We know he's dangerous. Unpredictable. Selfish.
We know he uses his name to make bad puns.
When he talks, Guilty as Chang'd.
he over- and under-emphasizes words seemingly at random.
he holds his fork When he eats,
like a murderer's knife,
its skewered payload gnawing at
like a deranged woodland rodent.
He smells like Band-Aids. Bring it home.
We know he dresses like a Cuban cab driver.
We know he exhibits…
Nay, flaunts, proudly,
obvious symptoms of over half a dozen disorders
you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets.
Feel the heat.
We know these things about Ben Chang.
And so much more than we ever wanted to know about him.
Why?
Because it's there.
It's on the surface.
may be what you don't want, What you see
but it's also what you get.
Wow.
kettle-corn-popping phantom? Who is this
This human question mark?
This number eight scoop of vanilla tapioca
with a PhD in Being Swell
and a master's in Everybody Loves Me?
Who is it?
We may never know.
I only know one thing.
Nobody is this good a person.
can get any worse than this. And nobody
He's horrible.
Now.
Who's voting for Chang?
Who's voting for Rich?
Shirley. Uh…
Oh, wow. What you gonna do, baby?
I don't know.
Shirley, this is the best kettle corn I've ever had.
If you don't vote for Rich, I'll shatter your world.
You gonna what?
I vote for Chang. I heard you.
Yes, yes. In your face. Yes!
Yes. No! No!
had sex on Halloween. Chang and Shirley
Huh? What?
What?
You may be pregnant with his baby.
No, no, no. Mm-mm.
Pierce!
She crossed me.
you were interrogating me Is that why
about my sexual activity?
Chang left me a voicemail Troy?
on Halloween to say that you two did it.
in the background. I could hear you
what is he talking about? Shirley,
I don't remember that night.
Nobody remembers anything.
Oh. Now I understand these photos.
Do you mind if I forward these to my brother?
Oh! I want this man out of here.
Well, you just voted him in, so…
What is wrong with you?
This isn't silly anymore. Shirley is in crisis.
I don't understand.
Just… Just wait, baby.
I don't understand either, but we can work this out.
We'll figure it out.
Andre, no.
I think that this is a good time to go.
Rich, no.
You finally did it, Jeff Winger.
in a way that will never heal. You finally hurt this group
Kettle corn!
There you are.
Can you explain to me what you've been doing?
Well, Annie, when a man loves food and beverages very much,
through his system… and they pass
I'm not in the mood, Jeff.
Explain your behavior with Rich today.
Sorry not everyone is as in love
with Dr. Do-No-Wrong as you are.
And don't say it's because I'm jealous of him.
Oh, come on, Jeff.
I'm sick of this.
I'm too young to date, One minute,
to get rid of guys I like. the next, you're trying
Either you want me or you don't. What's it gonna be?
an answer that makes sense, I wish I could give you
but relationships are complicated.
And we're in the men's room.
Fine.
Well, I'm gonna ask Rich out.
Nothing complicated about that.
There you are.
the wrong bathroom? Did I walk into
You have to find Andre and talk to him.
Shirley is devastated.
Since when do you want him in her life?
I'm not a fan of the guy, but I'm a fan of Shirley
and this is what she wants.
There you are.
Mezzanine?
Hmm. Nice sweater. Mm.
My dad gave it to me.
Look, I'm not mad at Shirley. So, um…
You're not?
No, I'm mad at myself.
You know, if I hadn't left her like I did,
none of this would've happened.
You ever have something
that you didn't truly appreciate
until you didn't have it anymore?
Oh, yeah. Keristina.
Almond facial scrub. Old girlfriend?
They only make it in Finland.
The old me would have been long gone by now.
I could ever change, I didn't think
but the love of a good woman makes anything possible.
Looks like I'm gonna be a daddy again.
Hey. Yeah, but…
It doesn't matter who the baby's father is,
I'm in for the long haul.
If it's mine,
he's gonna be a great football player.
And if it's Chang's, we'll go for golf.
Hey. Hey.
Annie just texted me. She asked Rich out.
He said no. Cool.
He said she's great, but too young.
I've said what I gotta say. Don't say anything until
for almost two years now, I've known you
as seriously as I should have. and I've never taken you
the strangest, coolest, You are
most genuine person I've ever met,
that scares me about you and the thing
you make me wish I was. is how good
Help me, Rich.
Help me become like you.
I mean, I am so amazing…
but I'm not perfect.
You are.
Give me that power…
so I can abuse it.
you are one funny bunny. Heh. Jeff,
You can't just fake being good
with doing bad things. in order to get away
I completely understand.
that I still have to try? And do you understand
And if you don't help me, you're a bad person.
You got me there, guy.
Come on in and dry off.
Oh. Smells delicious. Are you baking?
Yeah, muffin tops.
Today we'll show you
how to make kettle corn with Dr. Rich.
one of those giant spoons? How do I get
Well, actually, I carved this one myself
after lighting struck an oak tree in my backyard.
And then, I made my nephew a rocking horse.
That's adorable. Nice. Smells heavenly.
What sets your kettle corn apart?
Well, it's a secret ingredient:
A couple extra pinches of love.
Oh. You can't beat that. That feels good.
Not this again.
Rich, you know they're doing a fake morning show.
There are no cameras. I know.
It's just a fun way to start the day.
So grab a paddle, partner, and hop on in here.
that does sound… You know what,
Yeah.
* Troy and Abed In the morning ♪