how are you today? Hey, Buzby,
Not so great, Bumbleton.
I have a ton of pollen to collect,
but I'm really tired.
Maybe you should get high. Flying a little low?
Who's this? This is Drugs.
Aren't Drugs bad? No way.
Drugs are like special honey. They give you a buzzzz.
Don't call me honey, honey.
Pierce, Drugs doesn't say that.
You know, I don't say anything, by the way.
I mean, I thought this show was about drug awareness.
a character that has no lines? Who's gonna be aware of
I get flushed down the toilet. Also, I noticed on page 15
Consider yourself lucky.
Is Pierce marijuana, Annie, question.
and does marijuana help people work faster?
custom-paint their vans I thought it made them
Also, are you sure and solve mysteries.
that my costume is on backwards?
I felt more confident before. I have a question.
would say "tripping balls." I don't think my character
That's not a question. I don't think my character
"tripping balls," okay? would say
why we're doing this. Guys, let's remember
If our work helps one kid make better choices,
then it will all be worth it.
I wish I had seen a show like this.
Might have helped me avoid my mistakes.
We're happy to do this for you.
plenty of shows like this, But my school had
and I think sitting through them
drove me to drugs. You don't count.
to anything appropriately. You don't respond
Thank you.
Dean-dong.
[IMITATES DOOR CREAKING, CHUCKLES]
I'm just checking in to see
Anti-Drug Players are doing. how the Greendale
at San Ramon Middle School, I talked to the counselor
at least 50 at-risk rugrats and there's gonna be
coming here tomorrow for your big world premiere.
That's terrific. That's nice.
With any luck, we'll get rid of all those Charleston Chews
in the vending machines.
Dean Pelton, were you hoping to participate in the show?
Oh, I would love to, Annie.
But as you can see from my outfit, I have plans.
So, off to the airport Ramada.
How come he gets a front stinger?
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some more Time in a dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
* Somebody said It can be here *
Tied up dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
* One by one they all Just fade away *
eat their own honey? Do you think bees
at least tasted it. I'm sure they've
This guy keeps texting me.
I don't like flirting in text. You don't like him?
don't work by electric light. That's like saying you
If you want an active sex life, part of it's texting.
I don't remember asking your opinion.
Can't talk now.
the father of your unborn child Shirley, since I might be
I hope you like Johnny Gill. I made you a mix tape.
don't have a cassette player, And since you probably
here's a list of used ones on Craigslist.
Britta, are you walking out of this room?
Uh, yeah.
Hey. You know you're gonna have to acknowledge him eventually.
Don't know who you're talking about.
I know who you're talking about. Chang.
He doesn't exist.
Annie. Ooh!
I'm sorry. A word? Mm-hm.
I don't know if you know this,
but I did TV commercials for Hawthorne Wipes,
family business, in the '50s. Oh. Heh-heh.
I was kind of the Gerber baby of moist towelettes.
That's great, Pierce.
Yeah. I've done a lot of acting workshops.
I do physical comedy, Hm.
funny dances, foreign accents. Accents?
Name any country. Russia.
I can bring to the table There are many tools
that I think this script may be wasting.
is really great about this show? Do you know what I think
The only real star of it is the message.
Right, of course. Is the message Jeff Winger?
He's on every page of this thing, and…
You bet. I'll see you tomorrow.
Britta left her phone.
Let me see. She's getting a text message.
Oh. It's from Marcus.
"I'll be at the show tomorrow night.
Can't wait to see you.
Are you really wearing a cat costume?"
Well, Marcus, you are in luck. What are you doing?
Dragging Britta kicking and screaming into 1997.
What'd you say?
to the cat costume. "There's not much
But can't wait to show you what's underneath."
How could you think that's a good idea?
I got a better question.
How could it not be a great idea?
Thanks.
Here you go.
Wha…?
what are you doing here? Pierce,
There's a rapist in the hallway. Never mind that.
That's my landlord.
If he wanted to rape you, you'd be raped.
Let me answer your question Did you follow me?
with two of my own.
What are you doing in an apartment above Dildopolis?
And when did they open a second location?
This is where I live, Pierce.
above a marital aid store. It just happens to be
I don't get it. Aren't everyone's parents rich?
Well, I'm not speaking to my parents.
After my nervous breakdown,
my mom wanted to put the problem behind us
and I wanted to deal with it,
so I went to rehab and she cut me off.
What are you living on? I saved.
Every penny from babysitting, every birthday check.
Every dollar from the period fairy when I was a kid.
it would last longer. I guess I thought
what's a period fairy? Excuse me,
that gives you a dollar The fairy
you get your period. every time
Does she still come? Pierce.
are very much alike, Annie. You know, you and I
We're both realists. We're both cute.
And we'd both rather die than let someone else control us.
I see the point of this place now.
This crap hole is a monument to self-reliance.
I found the drapes in a dumpster.
Heh-heh. Yes. Can you believe it?
You know, I wanna help, Annie. Oh, no, no, no, Pierce.
I'm not taking money from you. Come on, now.
It's not mine. It's yours.
for being strong. You've earned it
It's going to drop into your hands from out of nowhere…
because I was never here.
I'm worried about making rent I'm only taking this because
for selling eggs takes weeks. and the procedure
You save your eggs for a rainy day,
and I'll see you tomorrow.
Pierce?
follow me here today? Hey, why did you
Oh, it was nothing. It seems sort of pointless now.
I guess it was to talk about the play.
if I don't have any lines? And who cares
do that line you improvised. You know what, you should
"Don't call me honey, honey"?
you should do that. Yeah, that's it,
of moist towelettes, right? You were the Gerber baby
Yes. Yes, I was.
And action.
I'm Cornelius Hawthorne. Hello,
One rainy day, my son Pierce and I were taking a stroll
the cleansing power when I discovered
fresh from the field. of moist cotton
Isn't that right, son?
It sure is.
It sure is, Dad.
Pierce, knock it off.
in the commercial too, Father. I want to be
Well, then you should've done better in your damn audition.
What's your name, son? Nigel.
You're a good boy, Nigel.
Your father is a lucky man.
the most important thing Okay, guys, remember,
is to have fun.
The second is to know all your lines
and not mess up a thing.
Actually, flip those. Here we go, guys.
juicing up some of our bits. I took the liberty of
You can't revise Annie's script. Um, but…
And who uses Wite-Out anymore?
Why don't we look over Pierce's changes
and see if they improve things?
where I can get some drugs? Hey, Crayon, do you know
I need them.
Unfortunately, you can get them anywhere.
I'm here. Anywhere?
Zabadazooey.
Good one.
Doesn't seem to hurt anything,
so let's get into costume and break a stinger.
For the bees.
I don't feel comfortable Annie, uh,
with the "zabadazooey" line.
The one you wrote? I got it.
the zabadazooey line, Let's give Jeff
and I'll come in with "good one."
Yeah. It's more in my voice.
is gonna reject that idea. Pretty sure Jeff
Yeah, you're probably right.
By the way, is this your pen? You're the producer.
I think I put it back in my pocket
that check yesterday. Ahem. after I wrote you
I'll give it to you later. I'll talk to Jeff.
better for my character Also, I think it'd be
his leather jacket. if I wear
Okay, welcome to Greendale's Drug Awareness Show!
Okay, our volunteers are handing out
drug-free baseballs! Huh?
you think about drugs, Next time
think about baseball instead.
You can't ignore me forever.
Okay, you probably can.
I don't know why you want to.
My nephew Marcus actually goes to San Ramon Middle School,
and he's coming to see the show.
Marcus? Your nephew?
He's 14. I actually thought he didn't even like me.
But he texted me and he said, "Can't wait to see you.
I've been looking forward to this.
You are the coolest aunt in the world."
I hope that I don't let him down.
What does this symbol mean? You'll be great.
It's eight, an equal sign and a greater than symbol?
You better get changed. Let me see.
I'll hang onto your stuff for you.
Right.
You know that text we sent? Abed, we screwed up.
It was to Britta's nephew.
He sent her an emotipenis. What are we gonna do?
Fine. Screw you, Abed. I can fix this.
"Marcus, I made a mistake.
I texted the wrong person last night."
"You called me by name. It wasn't a mistake.
Don't be afraid."
Screw you, Abed.
We can't do this." "I was drunk.
"I'm drunk too. On lust."
There's a picture.
Oh. That's disappointing. Wow. Who does that?
Bees, you're up. That's…
Cool cats, you're on deck.
Aren't drugs bad? No way.
Drugs are like special honey. They give you a buzzzz.
Don't call me honey, honey.
Are you ignoring me because I'm Korean?
Oh, there's a difference? You're Chinese.
It's because you're crazy, all right?
There's something wrong with you.
that I was with you And the idea
means there's something wrong with me.
And if this baby…
any humanity at all, If you have
you will not make me think about it.
Shirley, funeral.
Well, that answers my question.
even in a coffin. Mmm. Jeff Winger is sexy
You're supposed to be on-stage. I'm here.
I was looking for a lighter.
What are you wearing? This is a funeral.
I got this, Annie. Uh…
I can't believe Fluffy's dead.
I know I'm green, but I feel blue.
a crazy wig and sparklers. Look, it's Drugs with
Pokémon!
that's right, Drugs. I don't think
Nobody asked you, Crayon.
I hope you're proud of yourself. Look what you've done.
Well, look what I'm doing now. Oh, yeah?
something died in here. It smells like
Should we get the dean, call in a bomb threat?
Should we set off the sprinklers?
It's not that big a deal. The kids are into it.
they're getting the message. But I don't think
they're getting the message? Do kids ever seem like
I think it's sinking in. I guess it's your call.
And he's about to get flushed down a toilet
in the next scene. And he'll be done.
I wish I had never even met Drugs.
Who invited the nerd from the beehive?
Drugs made you.
How about you leave, Drugs?
Zip, zop, zoo.
I gotta go back out there. They want more.
But, Pierce, you were flushed. That was the story.
supposed to happen. That's what's
Being flushed doesn't mean you're dead.
I could be a floater.
you have a number two… A floater is when
I know what a floater is, Pierce.
It just wouldn't make any sense in the flow of the show.
a mixed message. And it sends
Know what I think is a mixed message?
Yesterday you couldn't pay your rent, and today you can.
Come on, Annie. You and I are alike.
We're independent, we need each other.
Bzzz. Getting rid of Drugs was a great "i-bee-a."
I'm flying higher than I ever have,
thanks to not Drugs. Argh!
Chuck it at his nuts!
Ow! Hey! Hey!
I'm back!
Ain't no party without Drugs.
I love you, Drugs.
Yo, pass it this way.
We want Drugs!
Listen to that, Dad.
They're high on me. I'm a god.
We want Drugs!
Where's that Nigel now?
And I haven't even used my penis material yet.
Pierce, enough.
to the original script We're going back
and doing some damage control.
The only damage Damage?
is me blowing the roof off the universe.
go back on that stage. I am not letting you
Well, maybe I won't be visiting you late at night anymore
with a generous spirit.
You sick, sick, sad old man.
This is why I didn't wanna take money from my parents.
I don't want anybody pulling my strings.
Wait, wait, is he giving you money?
Pierce bought his way in. Not anymore.
Annie sold out her message.
indulging this maniac? You've been
indulging this maniac. Yes, I've been
You're fired. Fired?
Next time I'm at Dildopolis,
I will not be coming upstairs to say hi.
The only reason we did this was for you and your stupid ideals.
you don't even have any. It turns out
We supported you, Annie.
Yeah, Annie, you're fired.
I'm sorry.
We've got 50 at-risk pre-teens Here's the situation.
armed with baseballs, chanting for drugs,
who just spent intermission
Charleston Chews. Thank God. eating nothing but
Hope you can top Act I, is all I'm saying.
Oh. Hmm. Whoops.
Should we bail? Works for me.
Wait.
Listen to those kids.
50 potential meth-heads. We just created
is hit the reset button The least we can do
and get that number down to the national average.
That's a suicide mission. Did someone say crazy person?
No.
Well, I heard it.
We want Drugs! We want Drugs!
Greetings, you little snots.
You're not Drugs.
Oh, but I am.
Disappointed?
to stay the same forever? Did you expect me
what Drugs does, baby! 'Cause that's not
I'm gonna deep-fry your dog and eat your mama's face.
And I'm gonna wear
your little brother's skin like pajamas.
and there is nothing you can do. I control your lives
Let's kill him.
Oh, bring it on, Bow Wow.
Get him! Ahh!
Is that all you got?
this is the greatest I gotta tell you,
chemical-dependency program I have ever watched.
to think that they needed drugs. The way you got the kids
that dependence was the enemy. And then having them realize
was just too high. Oh, genius. That the price
So now that the show is over,
for these bee costumes? what is the plan
Hey, Marcus. I'm Jeff.
Britta's boyfriend. I'm, like, uh,
Look, dude, she started it. She's just as into me.
No, listen, I'm not mad.
I was just fooling around and I sent those texts.
Gross. Yeah.
those pictures to your aunt. It's disgusting, sending
you texted to an underage boy? More disgusting than what
I didn't know you were you.
you weren't my aunt. I didn't know
Okay. Let's just call this a draw.
to ever know about this. Britta doesn't need
Okay, I'd be happy to, for a price.
That was brave of you.
I owe you an apology.
to call you crazy. It was rude
Maybe I haven't been giving you enough credit.
Oh, that's really sweet.
why don't I go get Chang, Tell you what,
and you can tell him that yourself.
Oh, no.
My God, that was amazing.
Good job, you saved the day. That's amazing.
Way to go, man. Way to go.
They beat the crap out of you. That was awesome.
I did lots of ad-libbing… It was okay.
Guys, I'm so sorry. Thank you so much.
Even I learned something. That was amazing.
We did it. Oh, Annie.
Group hug, group hug. Oh, thanks.
Way to save the day. Nice work.
Oh, love you.
Did you get hit in the face?
Before you say anything, I want you to know,
I did nothing wrong, even though
I'm still gonna give you money.
your money, Pierce. No, I can't take
my parents to depending on you, I can't go from depending on
I'm gonna get a job. which is why
So you're cutting me off? No.
Pierce, I know you don't depend on anyone,
but you do depend on people depending on you.
So I'm not gonna take your money.
Give me a day. We're still friends?
was the period fairy, right? By the way, your mom
Hey, guys, I found my phone, but has anyone seen my bra?
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