It was my friend Abed's birthday.
I had met Abed at community college two years earlier.
His obsession with pop culture had always alienated him.
pretend his life was a TV show. He'd quote movies,
He watched Cougar Town.
want people to like him. It was as if he didn't
around Christmas, Then this year,
I don't know, mental episode, he had some kind of,
made of clay, stuff like that. saying people were
He's seemed okay since, but when I asked
if he'd like to do anything for his birthday,
we should have dinner, he told me
for an important conversation. just he and I,
It made me nervous.
The restaurant Abed chose wasn't his style at all.
There were cloth napkins, no TVs.
video games, Quentin Tarantino. Abed liked chicken fingers,
through a full meal Babysitting him
at a restaurant for grown-ups?
I just wasn't up for it.
But I loved Abed. Everyone did.
with a surprise plan of my own. So I had come there
Hey, uh, could I get a Macallan, neat?
Jeffrey.
Buddy.
I like your sweater.
with a golden retriever? Did it come
You look good too.
I would like a, um, spritzer if possible.
Abed was being weird.
I mean he wasn't being weird. And by that,
He was hugging, smiling, making eye contact,
made a reference to anything. and in 30 seconds, he hadn't
him, thinking he needed help. I had come in worried about
made me more worried than ever. But seeing him like this
Get it? Like Pulp Fiction.
A wallet that says "bad mother…"
Thank you. Table's ready.
Actually, I had an idea.
burger place just a few… I saw a very cool
come downtown for burgers. Hm, nonsense. I didn't
Come, come.
Uh, I'll be right there.
Hey, uh, we're running a bit late.
just a small speed bump. No big deal,
Well, hurry up. We're waiting.
Surprise!
Guys, no.
They're running late.
Aw. Aw.
Jeff says there's some kind of speed bump.
Pierce, nobody can hear you.
Well, I'm hot, and my balls are touching a zipper.
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING] [THE 88'S "AT LEAST
* Give me some more Time in a dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
* Somebody said It can be here *
Tied up dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
They all just fade away d d One by one
Can you imagine the expression
on Abed's face when he walks in?
Of course I can imagine it. It's always the same.
Yeah, but he's gonna say "cool" at least five times.
to put this together. It's great of Jeff
I'm not jealous. Hmm?
someone got him a briefcase, Oh, cool,
like in the movie. What's in it?
Hey, don't touch that.
It's from Jeff. He says nobody but Abed can open it.
Why? What's in it?
I have 3D vision now? What,
Yes, you do.
You don't know me.
and don't mess with anything. Everybody be patient
I'm responsible for this diner when my boss isn't around.
bragging about that. She will not stop
I know.
Has anyone seen this film?
or love interest? Am I the hero
I saw it on an airplane. Cute. Pulp Fiction?
about a group of friends It's a 30-minute film
who like cheeseburgers, dancing and the Bible.
Jeff's not better than me.
I said, hmm. Hmm?
Boy, is this menu stuffy.
but I'd rather have a nice… I don't know about you,
Rillettes de Saumo to start,
I think, and, oh, the squab.
They don't have quail. Very good.
Good to know. Salad.
Excellent choice.
Yeah, I nailed it.
Um, you forgot this in the bar.
Ah, so I did. I'm sorry.
What a thoughtful gift, Jeff.
I really was a man of singular taste.
Abed, what's going on? Was?
Why are you dressed like Mr. Rogers
and talking like Frasier?
Oh, where to begin?
a program called Cougar Town. I mentioned my fondness for
Here and there. I even started a Cougar Town
fan club on Facebook.
Not to accomplish anything, mind you.
Simply to express my love for the show.
It ended up being quite large, this fan club.
it was maybe early March, And one morning, I think
I got this Facebook message.
A very nice message
who make Cougar Town. from the people
Looking for work?
No, thanking me, Jeff.
I generated for the show. You know, for support
And in the last paragraph, they said,
you could come visit the set." "If you'd like,
Just like that.
Well, that's cool of them.
I guess that kind of makes them
the Pulp Fictions of people.
How great was that movie?
So I sold my action figures
and bought a ticket to Los Angeles.
Wait, you went? When? Over spring break.
after I got that invitation, What could I do? Two days
of Cougar Town. Cougar Town. I was on the set
seriously, stop saying its name. If you want me to take it
but the people were wonderful. You laugh, Jeff,
but the crew. Everyone. Not just the actors,
There must have been 200 people,
each with a specific function,
to a single purpose. but all dedicated
or like a living thing. It was like a village
I'm talking to the director and he says,
"Jump into the background."
I say,
"Jump into the background of what exactly?"
"Background of this scene. He says,
Walk through Cougar Town." Walk through it.
Well, before I can react, Thank you.
and stands me behind this patio this girl takes me
actors are doing their scene. where Courteney Cox and the
"When you hear 'action,' The girl says,
walk from here to there."
I really started to panic,
that watches Cougar Town, because if I'm a person
how can I be in Cougar Town?
The more I start thinking about it,
makes any sense at all. the less any of it
I wanna run, but too late,
the director's calling "action."
my first step, I realize So before I take
that I have to stop being someone
who's ever seen the show
and become a character on the show.
from Cougar Town. Become a man
You know, someone born there, someone whose name is Chad.
I take my first step, as a child might,
learning to walk as Chad.
it becomes easier. With each step,
And I start remembering things from Chad's life,
like his first kiss under the big tree
at Cougar Town field,
at Cougar Town Junior High, playing soccer
finding my first chest hair in the shower,
my first apartment,
falling for my best friend, my first true love
birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes,
playing charades at Thanksgiving.
Chad had lived, Jeff.
You know, Chad had lived more than Abed.
And then they called "cut"
and the scene was over.
to stop being Chad, But I wasn't ready
"Can we have one more take?" so I said to the director,
But they were already moving on.
Courteney had nailed it.
My lips started trembling
and my hands and my feet went numb,
my knees buckled,
to the floor… and as I fell
I pooped my pants.
I did.
Because the truth is, Jeff, I had been Chad,
and Chad was dead.
I was still alive, But as Abed,
so someone helped me up.
The wardrobe lady came. She gave me new pants.
I thanked everyone, I apologized,
and then I got on a bus and went straight to the airport.
Um… Your food's getting cold.
Oh. How silly of me.
Wondering if Abed's new best friend
also got him the best gift?
I got Abed the best gift.
I'd tell you what it is, but it's an even cooler secret.
Britta, you promised that this private party
would be done by 8. You're doing this during peak business hours
for nostalgic-themed diners.
Has that been researched?
It has. After they get frightened by the evening news,
the comforting foods many seek
of a pre-racial America. and music
They're a little late. I'm sorry, Brian.
I'll give you all of my tips from my next shift.
Oh, your tips.
Wait, wait, all of them? All your tips?
the customers leave for you? Like, all the tips
Wow. Is there any way we can spread that over two years
so I don't get slammed on my taxes?
Oh, my goodness.
I know.
Everyone hates Britta. Mm-hm.
Oh, you know the real point of that story.
but that's okay. Chew. I don't,
Mm, the point is, I'd been a fool.
Nah. Everybody poops their pants.
I was a fool long before that.
I look back and think, "Who was that?
Why did he care about things that didn't matter?"
Yeah. Who needs Cougar Town? Who needs any pop culture?
to hell with all of it. TV, movies,
You know what I was, Jeff?
I was that wallet.
a reference to cinematic drivel, On the surface,
but on the inside, empty.
But you love Tarantino.
No, no, not anymore.
to have dinner with you. That's why I wanted
This is the first birthday of my new life.
but I'd like to exchange it. The wallet's cute,
I'm not leaving here until you've given me
my first real conversation.
Yay.
Mm.
Okay, you wanna have a real conversation?
Here's as real as I get under the circumstances.
It's nice that you've learned to dial back your love of TV.
But I'd really like you to have a milkshake with me.
But before you do,
remember how much you enjoy Pulp Fiction.
Now, that's as far as I can go.
tilting the bean can here. I'm really
Pulp Fiction, milkshakes, bean cans?
Listen to how we talk.
We're like robots exchanging catchphrases and references.
Pointing that out counts as a real conversation?
Fake people are talking
about how fake the world is right now.
I'm new at this, so start our real conversation.
there's such a thing. I don't believe
Conversation was invented by humans
to conceal reality.
We use it to sweet-talk our way
around natural selection.
You know who has real conversations? Ants.
They talk by vomiting chemicals into each others' mouths.
They get right down to brass tacks.
Bleh. "Which way's the picnic?"
Bleh. "That way."
Humans are more evolved. We lie.
That's a lie. Not all the time.
We don't lie when we're alone.
Biggest lie ever.
Nine out of 10 lies occur six inches from the bathroom mirror.
We do most of our lying alone.
How's it even possible to lie alone?
You call a phone-sex line. That's lying to yourself.
That's just being honest with a stranger.
What if you're dishonest about why?
a good-looking guy who calls What if you're
he weighs 400 pounds and tells them
just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?
I don't believe that happens. Wrong. That's me.
I did that last week.
What? Why pay a woman to think you're fat?
that if I were overweight Because I'm scared
that no one would like me.
God, that feels good to admit.
Abed, the point being…
The point being,
you don't have to worry about being normal
or real or whatever this is tonight.
The world is a sick place full of sick, sick people.
I've never told anyone else? Can I tell you something
Yes.
It's gotta be so cool, whatever he got him.
You know what I'm saying. Winger's a man of means.
He's with your boy right now, having a fancy dinner.
Baby chickens, diamond forks,
brand-name sodas.
bring him back here, Then he's gonna
give him whatever's in there, and that's that.
Troy who?
Open. Open.
what I think it is? Is that
It is.
Certificate of authenticity.
He must've got it on eBay or something.
the actual briefcase Jeff got Abed
from the movie Pulp Fiction.
What are you guys doing?
Chang made me. He seduced me with his dark Chinese powers.
Why do you leave him alone with me?
I put my job on the line for this stupid party,
and the least you can do is not ruin it.
Huh? Aw. No! No!
Dude, I know I'm preaching to the choir, but…
you are a bad friend.
What? I'll kill you!
[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]
[ANNIE & SHIRLEY SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
"No, that's a girl's costume." And I said,
And my mom said,
"Indian boys have long hair and braids too."
There was only 45 minutes left to trick-or-treat,
so what could I do?
I put the damn thing on and I went door-to-door.
"Oh, what a pretty little girl." And everyone was going,
And by the third house,
I stopped correcting them.
why draw attention to it? I mean,
And, honestly, once the shame and the fear wore off…
they thought I was pretty. I was just glad
God, this is incredible.
to talk this openly. I mean, to be able
I mean, why can't people be like this?
I mean, what's wrong with this world?
What do you want?
So this is what you're doing while we wait.
Just go home, Pierce. The party's canceled.
Pretty gay, man.
Pretty gay.
the gimp from Pulp Fiction? Why is Pierce dressed as
Aw, pfft.
The wallet, milkshakes.
Did you set up a surprise Pulp Fiction birthday party?
Yeah, at the Greasy Fork, but it doesn't matter now.
What matters is this. Talking.
It everything okay?
Oh. Yes. Just the check, please.
So you're ending early? I'm sorry.
Check, check, check. Bye. In My Dinner with Andre…
Abed?
Mm-hm?
What's My Dinner with Andre?
It's just a movie about, uh,
two guys talking at a restaurant.
a real conversation? So this wasn't
You were doing another movie?
a real conversation. A movie about
on the set of Cougar Town? Did you poop your pants
That shouldn't matter.
we don't hang out! This is why
Thanks for getting me fired, jerks.
Cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool. The party's over.
Yeah, it is.
Do you guys know where Abed's really cool present is?
Because I'm returning it.
Um… It's back at the diner.
It's fine. It probably just needs some detailing.
you two got along better. Man, I really wish
Oh, no-no juice.
Oh, that's good no-no juice.
I'll give you $1200 for the damages
to give Britta her job back. if you promise
and she stays fired. Eight hundred
Deal.
about the briefcase. Annie told me
Thank you. What a waste.
Not really.
Buy it from Willy's Authentic Cinema Treasures on eBay?
Yeah, Willy exaggerates. Yep.
I got Indiana Jones' real whip from him.
He moves 70 of those a year.
Good. Thought I flushed money down the toilet.
Great to know the real Pulp Fiction briefcase
is safe somewhere.
You're mad at me.
I spent a week planning a party just to make you happy.
on the party and ruined it. And then I bailed
Again, just to make you happy.
trying to make you happy, While I was wasting time
you were making yourself happy all over everyone else
by doing yet another stupid movie spoof.
I prefer the term "homage."
It wasn't about making me happy.
My Dinner with Andre is about a guy
who has an unexpectedly enjoyable evening
he's been avoiding lately. with a weird friend
I've been avoiding you? You think
You and I hung out more last year.
It makes sense.
Everyone else is growing and changing,
and that's not really my jam.
a fast-blinking, stoic, I'm more of
uncomfortably self-aware type. removed,
Like Data or Johnny 5 or Mork
or HAL or K.I.T.T. or K9
or Woodstock and/or Snoopy.
Spock goes without saying.
Abed, I don't need you to grow or change.
And take it from someone
a meaningless one, who just had
breakthroughs are overrated. sometimes emotional
And, seriously,
I need you to keep a tight, heavy lid
Indian girl story. on the little
Sure. Tight, heavy lid.
Cool. THL.
Still friends?
Because nobody paid for dinner at the restaurant,
and I do not have this kind of money.
"GYMNOPÉDIE NO. 1" PLAYING] [ERIK SATIE'S
I went back to pay the bill.
The restaurant was closed.
Surprise!
Surprise.
It was Abed's idea.
The group had stayed behind to salvage the party.
for spilling the beans The waiter felt bad
about Abed's homage, so he let us stay.
As parties go, it was quiet, dark and a little lame.
and we'd had worse parties. We'd had better parties
But I doubt I'll ever forget
my Dinner with A dinner with Abed.
["GYMNOPÉDIE NO. 1" CONTINUES PLAYING]
Thanks. Abed, please, allow me.
Okay. Thanks.
Let me see.
Mm. That's not good.
They said "market price."
are you shopping at? What market
I'm going to run.
Okay. Me too.
One. On three.
Three. Two.