with that last collar, babe. I really made my bones
Today's the day.
a guard this morning. You woke up with
But tonight, you're going to bed with a detective.
you get some rest, okay? Okay,
Probably need it.
Here's Ben dressed like a dragon.
Aww.
Here's me and Abed
dressed as Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy.
Aww.
Who's Nick Nolte?
Aww.
Abed, can I borrow some change for the water fountain?
Yeah. Here you go. Change?
Hey, Dean. Hmm?
What are you doing? Nothing after lunch.
And I can skip lunch if you want… Oh.
That.
and it saves on water, too. Keeps tuition down
gonna pay to drink water. Nobody's
Actually it's a two drink-minimum.
It'll be reflected in your tuition.
Thanks for the new digs. Hey, Dean.
what we talked about? Ah, eh, remember
We have to keep this whole living situation kind of quiet.
You know, on the dean-low.
I'm barely there. Sure, you know,
I'm married to the job.
I found in the boiler room. And to a mannequin leg
Homewrecker.
Your first major lab assignment
is to construct a terrarium.
Sort of like a diorama.
weird reactions to stuff. You guys have
Hey, can I ask you something?
This is unrelated.
just finished spending As someone who
the majority of his life in prison,
what happened with Legos? They used to be simple.
Oh, come on, I know you know what I'm talking about.
Legos were simple.
Something happened out here while I was inside.
Harry Potter Le Star Wars Legos.
tiny little blocks. Complicated kits,
I mean, I'm not saying it's bad,
I just wanna know what happened.
All right, fine.
are due tomorrow. Your terrariums
And everyone look across the table
in front of you. at the person
for the rest of the semester. That's your lab partner
Saddle up.
Who are these people?
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some rope Tie me to dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
* Somebody said It can be here *
Tied up, dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
They all just fade away d d One by one
Um, hello, please, Professor Kane?
Yes?
I know you haven't been here at Greendale very long,
but, um, we're a study group.
We've been through a lot. It's kind of a thing.
You heard of the space bus. Paintball.
I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom,
and these are the only guys I've ever told.
Yeah, we're like a family.
Second paintball. We love each other.
What is happening at this school?
I have so many conversations that make no sense.
partner up amongst ourselves. Uh, we'd really prefer to
I don't care. Go ahead.
You will not regret this.
It's not you, it's me.
to protect us both I'm just trying
from more pain down the road.
a developmental disorder. I may have
on Breaking Bad, so… I need to catch up
I'm so sorry.
a developmental disorder. I have
Star Wars, Star Wars. Cool, cool, cool.
You understand.
You're also, quite frankly, a very weird-looking man.
I don't know you, but I just don't trust you.
And I don't think I could grow to like you.
The point of what I'm trying to tell you, Todd,
is that I don't want to be your lab partner.
No offense. None taken.
you wanna be with your friends. I understand,
Don't tell me what I'm feeling or thinking. It's petty.
Goodbye, Todd.
gonna divide the… Okay, how are we
Todd, buddy! Hey, Todd!
You passed the test.
I've been walking my beat a long time, sir.
A long time.
I've kept my head down, paid my dues.
I'm ready to make detective. And, well, I think
You've only been here a month.
You really haven't done much of anything.
as security guard detective. And there's no such thing
We don't solve crimes.
We barely prevent them.
You wanna detect something?
Do it on your own time.
Maybe I will.
My own words rang in my head like a bell inside a head.
Maybe I was crazy.
Or maybe, just maybe, I was a detective.
Hey.
What?
Looking for something? No.
but her eyes said otherwise. She said she wasn't,
legs that went all the way She was all dame,
to the bottom of her torso.
The kind of arms that had elbows.
Um, did you just call me in here to stare at me?
I could tell that somebody, The way she left,
or something had really put the scare on her.
But what? Why?
Stapler.
Was I crazy?
somehow connected? Or were they
I can't believe it.
This is the first time there hasn't been a beetle in here.
Should we move outside? Uh-huh.
Did you even hear what I said?
Seriously? Uh-huh.
Is this what it's gonna be like working together?
I lost three followers? What?
can't handle the truth Man, people just
about Ben Sherman's winter collection.
Roommates, study group, lab partners.
We really are gonna spend all our time together.
How awesome is that?
what else is awesome? Very. You know
the Hong Kong movie Last night I saw
is based on. Kickpuncher
Yeah, I know, I was there.
Did you see the scene where Kickpuncher kick-punches
Yeah. Both of them. 200 guys with one kick-punch?
Oh.
We spend too much time together.
Jinx.
with his cupcake. Here's Ben
a few seconds later And here he is
when he was crying because he dropped his cupcake.
with another cupcake. And here he is
Wait, these are out of order. That's the same cupcake.
these pictures are adorable. Oh, Shirley,
And comprehensive.
sugar is like baby meth? But did you know that
That's what my homeopath said.
should mind his own business. Well, maybe your gay friend
"Forget about the girl," I told myself.
like a lobster claw letting go "Let her go,
of a small balloon for lobsters."
Still, I had a hunch.
Hmm.
A matchbook.
Something about it seemed clue-y.
"Arizona Matchbook Company."
Arizona.
Arizona backwards is still Arizona!
It's a palomino!
Maybe I was crazy
I was finally sane. or maybe
keep staring at me? Why does this guy
What are you doing here? Britta.
getting some air. Oh, I was just
And wondering something. Me too.
I was wondering something, too.
No, you first. Tell me.
I was wondering, what would it be like if we were partners?
What's going on here?
of changing partners? Were you thinking
of changing partners? Who's thinking
Were you gonna bail on me?
No. No one here is thinking of changing partners. No, sir.
I am!
While he was spying, I found a turtle.
I should be the only one here It's not fair that
saddled with a total waste of space loser.
No offense, Todd. None taken.
Why should you all get the exact partner you wanted?
That's right.
It's totally not fair that we saddled Pierce with Todd.
We should probably choose again. I mean, just to be fair.
Let's go to the study room So it's agreed.
problem once and for all. and deal with this Todd
Okay.
Um, did you want me to come?
"the Todd problem." Um, it's called
Okay, we just have to come up with a fair way
to decide who is gonna be stuck for an entire semester
with this…random.
This, uh…non-grouper.
No offense, Todd. None taken.
I'm happy to work with whoever.
to decide this fairly. There's only one way
We go boy-girl, boy-girl.
But everyone has to have a different hair color.
a different high school. And be from
And be a different race.
I guess I'd be with…Britta.
I guess my hands are tied.
concept intrigues me The hair color
I distinguish you anyway. because it's how
arrange by age, But what if we
so the young people can work while the old people sleep.
Um, I was just wondering who you considered old,
to remind you again because I'd like
the same age as Jeff. that I'm just about
I was counting Jeff as old too. Hey!
That's all right then.
how my age has anything to… I just don't understand
Oh, for heaven's sake, Pierce!
I was thinking the thing that would be most beneficial…
- You know, for the group. - would be to
lowest GPAs with the highest. pair the people with the
Hmm. Interesting.
carrying the lowest? The highest
you might want that. I can see how
You know what, Annie?
Pew, pew, pew, pew…
Pew, pew, pew… Wait. Wait, no.
Does anyone else have kids?
Because I have a gorgeous little newborn that I'd like to get…
talking to Shirley about kids. Oh, perfect! You'll enjoy
Uh-uh, don't go trying to pawn Todd off on me.
Again, none taken.
Guys, our terrariums are due tomorrow
and it's already 9.
Okay, let's make this simple
and do it like student housing.
lab partner preferences Write down
Abed, you're a computer. from one to eight.
You figure out a way to put us in our optimal pairings.
And before you all go putting Todd down last,
he comes with a turtle. don't forget
You're halfway done.
How does that sound?
Somebody wake up Pierce.
Matchbook Company. Hello, Arizona
I had to get some answers.
fish needs a bicycle…a lot. And I needed answers like a
Hello? Hello?
interested in your matchbooks. Yeah, I am, uh,
to place an order? Would you like
I had to think fast.
Get away from my desk. Yes.
You've been walking around I'll call you back.
asking people weird questions and then staring at them
moving your lips? while slightly
I had to think fast.
No.
Ben…
might be getting to you. I think this job
to take some time off. I think you need
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Very much so.
Yes.
All right, yep.
Annie's gonna be with Shirley. According to my system,
Troy is with Britta. Pierce is with me.
Okay, let's get to work. And Jeff is with Todd.
Uh, wait. Um, how did I end up with Todd?
I mean, no offense, but he wasn't exactly
at the top of my list. None taken.
We're supposed to trust it? The algorithm dictated.
You're questioning my algorithm?
Is your algorithm above questioning?
Will you tell us how you chose? Not necessarily.
I used the ballots to rank everyone by popularity.
with the least popular. I put the most popular
It would maximize audience appeal.
So I was number one, Oh, I see.
and he was obviously number eight. No offense, Todd.
were four and five. You and Todd
I was four?
I was five? Todd was four.
Well, that's insane!
We don't even know him. He's a stranger.
Jeez, Jeff. It has feelings.
Wait, so we all know Annie was number one,
because she'd do all the work.
And Shirley was her partner, so…
But that means… So you all put…
I just worked it out.
I'm more popular than someone!
Getting the matchbooks shipped to me
the same day wasn't easy.
the company money. I had to pay
I used Nunez's card.
the detective awards. He'd thank me at
Somewhere, somehow, I was gonna find what I was looking for.
Mother of God. Holy Mary,
Was I crazy?
the verge of something? Or was I on
My mind reeled with thoughts.
Stand-up premises. Voices.
Why don't they just make tires out of pavement
so you can drive on anything? What's up with buttons?
What would happen if Nicholson was a gynecologist?
There was something there. Heh-heh-heh.
I need a notepad.
Maybe a blazer.
I don't know when I'll be home. Honey, I…
How could you guys hate me more than Pierce?
Or anything more than Pierce?
Thin ice, Shirley. My friends and I
are not gonna let you drive a wedge between us.
Shirley has a point.
like a butt convention. This list stinks
How else could you explain Troy being so unpopular?
the popular one in our pairing. Uh, I think I was
Oh, Troy.
Fine, why don't I just go work with Todd?
Hey, that's cool, whatever gets this project done.
what a great guy. Oh, wow,
like him so much more than me. I can see why all of you
one wants to carry you all year. Jeff, maybe it's just that no
Gee, you're right, Annie, it's not personal.
people really like you. It's not like
You're just a good grade in a tight sweater.
You're just a bad grade in a tight sweater.
are you always texting? And who the hell
Everyone you know is here.
Okay, let's all just take a breath…
Don't get your number four stink on this, Todd.
Okay, let's focus.
We're all the same people we were 12 hours ago.
Maybe we should just revert to our original pairings.
But I thought you didn't want to carry Jeff.
Oh, you just don't want to work with Shirley.
Oh! You too, Brute?
You're a creationist! It's just…
You're so religious. What?
How are you gonna do science experiments
believe in science? if you don't even
Just because someone's religious doesn't mean
they have a problem with science. And certainly,
course at a community college if an introductory biology
can refute 2,000 years of miracles…
And what about Britta? She's not gonna dissect anything.
dissect anything with a face. Fine, you got me, I won't
What about worms?
tiny little faces? Do they have
you're the stupidest! This is why
If loving worms is stupid, I don't wanna be smart.
and you can't be. It is,
figured it all out. Guys, I just
Jeff is gonna heal us. Pierce, wake up,
at this totally wrong. We have been looking
There's no way I'm unpopular.
One of you monsters just put me last
in a petty attempt to humble me.
I just had a terrible nightmare that Jeff was a pompous ass.
Also, Todd was there.
Uh, no offense, Todd.
where it didn't belong. I'd poked my nose
Someone, or something, had sent me a message.
Veronica.
gotten mixed up in all this. It's my fault she had
Uh-uh, Todd.
I heard a fire alarm. Pretty sure
Nobody's going home until we see those ballots.
See the ballots? Are you crazy?
I say let's lay our cards on the table
and see what everyone really thinks of each other.
Get behind me, Abed.
Jeff, stop it!
Give it to me! Pass!
Get back, get back! Give it!
I am doing this for all of us.
her marijuana lighter. Oh, no, she's got
Don't!
The turtle is in there! No!
I am so sorry! Oh, my God,
with you people? What is wrong
Huh?
supposed to be friends! I thought you were
I thought you were supposed to love each other!
Your love is weird.
And toxic!
everything it touches! And it destroys
I no longer care about grades.
graduating from college, Or biology. Or finally
like I promised my dying father.
I'm going home.
I'm gonna hold my wife and my child close.
And I am gonna finally take my insulin shot!
Offense taken.
he is right about one thing. Well,
You're all terrible people.
this stupid assignment. And I don't care about
I'm going home.
I'm going to biology class. No, I'm not,
It starts in 15 minutes.
And eventually, this caterpillar
will come out of its cocoon. And then…
Pop, pop!
Nice work, you two.
You know they're laughing at you, right?
I mean, that's my theory.
Now, super group.
a sorry lack of terrariums. I can't help but notice
We didn't have time to finish.
Here's mine.
have time to do that? When did you even
You're pathological.
It's too late for flattery.
Professor, obviously this isn't working out. You're just gonna
with our original lab partners. have to put us
I don't have to do anything.
Not after you broke my boy Todd.
crying this morning. That man called me
You know he fought in Iraq, right?
We had a name for people like you in prison.
"the mean clique." We called you
But I have a solution.
will share a microscope, All seven of you
one bench, and one grade that I will average.
Everyone else gets their own stuff.
So can we get an extension on the first assignment?
No. You all fail.
Oh, my God.
How did this happen?
And did I miss the firemen?
the explanation is simple. Dean,
It's all connected.
A web of conspiracy that goes
all the way to the top of Arizona.
All…right.
Hey, somebody's been squatting in the utility closet.
There's a hot plate back there, thousands of matches.
we're looking at dozens I mean,
and fire code violations. of major health
to get the police involved. I think we're gonna have
And that's when it hit me.
really big trouble. I was in
Dean. Dean? Hmm?
Oh, uh…no.
No need to get the cops.
With a conspiracy this big, they're probably involved.
What Chang says What?
makes a lot of sense, and, um…
Okay, you know what? I quit.
with the not getting paid, I mean, I can deal
at you enabling this man. but I draw the line
I mean, I'm seriously concerned that he's mentally ill.
And it's not funny at all.
The top of Arizona… It's scary.
I needed to know more
Was it a high mesa? about those firemen.
Or a state of mind? Were they diverse?
I was gonna have to climb it. Could I buy a calendar?
Okay, screw this. I-I quit.
Well, it seems that Greendale owes you a debt of gratitude.
the new head of security? How would you like to be
I had to think fast.
Yes.
I don't know, was I crazy?
Or was I just doing right by the school?
[CHANG CACKLING IN HIS MIND]
This is awkward, isn't it?
I think it's pretty clear You know,
what destroyed the balance in our study group's ecosystem.
Ranking one person above another.
Letting our differences get the best of us.
Racism? No.
Todd.
Todd!
Did you see the head on that guy?
What was wrong with him? "None taken."
Not to be unchristian, but that boy sucked.
I missed this.
Aww!
He wouldn't shut up. And his dumb baby!
Change your own diaper, right?
Get yourself a bottle.
are really personal. These questions
Are you sure this is anonymous?
evaluations for my psych class. Yeah, they're just practice
Who did a butt? All right.
And I don't know. They're boobs.
Take it again.
Somebody drew a penis. All right.
Oh! And another penis.
Penis, penis, penis. Very mature, guys.
Me neither. I didn't draw a penis.
normally filled out tests. Yeah, these are all
Ha-ha! Gotcha!
This was also a test, and you all penised.
Passed.
Maybe I need to take one.
Not a penis. A test.