Didn't they say 304?
No, 303. I wrote it down twice.
* Troy and Abed's New apartment *
Hi.
Come on in. Wow. Okay.
Wow.
What a great place.
You guys… You guys look so fancy.
We read a book on being hosts. Rule one, dress to impress.
Rule number two, avoid touchy topics like the Negro problem.
The book was written in the '40s. Yeah.
Good, you guys are finally here. Finally?
Time flies when I'm baking. Shirley showed up at 3.
No, it doesn't.
was propped open with this. The door downstairs
Anyone could've wandered in. This is really unsafe.
Like one of our guests?
I'll be right back. Thank you, Troy.
Let me give you the grand tour.
Bathroom, kitchen, who cares?
This is the boulder scene from Raiders,
with actual rolling boulder.
Ooh. Yeah.
Adiós, Satipo.
Ah… Pow.
Super cool. And sexy. Pretty cool, huh?
Super sexy cool. Overselling it.
But we ordered real pizza. I made pizza.
Nothing more real than homemade. Didn't have some ingredients,
so I used ketchup and cream cheese.
We ordered real pizza.
Uh, Abed.
Okay. Hey, I got you that. Hi. Agh. Ha.
Bienvenido de la casa chez TroBed. Very nice.
Oh, look, Indiana Jones
of Perpetual Virginity. and the Apartment
Chop busted, fellow adult, chop busted.
It's nice. Not mansion nice, but it's nice.
Didn't you used to live in a mansion with me?
Yeah, but this is more my speed and century.
Well, I've hardly missed you at all
since I had you removed from my portraits.
Jeff, check it out. Serbian rum.
it is banned there. So strong,
Banned in Serbia, Jeff. Heh, heh.
Let that concept sink in.
You enjoy. I have to leave. Oh?
Yeah, sorry. I got an invite to the opening of a new club.
it was designed for me. Look, it's like
and mailed it a month ago I made that in Photoshop
so you'd keep tonight open.
There's no such thing
Boobs and Billiards Club? as Single Malt Platinum
Oh.
said it out loud. I guess I never
than boobs and billiards. We offer more
What? One word, two syllables.
Don't say charades.
Yahtzee!
Is charades off the table?
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some rope Tie me to dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
* Somebody said It can be here *
Tied up, dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
They all just fade away d d One by one
Come on. And…
Okay.
Now, "how to play Yahtzee."
Is there nothing from our youth
that these companies won't repackage for a buck?
Call it Yahtzee all you want.
it's Puerto Rican chess. Everybody knows
We can't buzz him up. It's just the pizza.
Someone has to go down.
Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
six different timelines. You're creating
Of course I am, Abed.
Two. One, two. Annie. Okay, fine.
All this talk of going down. I guess I'm going down.
You guys know I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane?
It's not namedropping We're about to eat.
if it comes up organically/ Checking on my pies.
* Roxanne ♪ No.
Yeah, over here. Bathroom?
a pregnancy test look like? Uh, guys, what does
Plastic with a thing on the end. So this is definitely a gun.
Whoa! Yeah, put that away. Oh, my…
Why does Annie have a gun? That's not a gun.
Here, Troy. Happy housewarming. That's a girl's peashooter.
What are we gonna do about this? I'm gonna get a drink.
Ha, ha, ha. Ow!
People hitting their heads. What's so funny?
Don't fight over them.
* You don't have to put on The red light *
Well, you can fight a little.
Smells weird.
Smells weird. What did you do? I beg your pardon?
Abed, you don't ask someone a question like that.
It's not dignified.
Pizza!
Pizza, pizza, go in tummy Me so hungy, me so hungy
was super creepy. The pizza guy
he was a pizza guy? So you're saying
* Put on the red light d d Roxanne *
in the other timelines? What happened
no other timelines. Abed, there are
on my left with one, Okay, starting
your number comes up, you go.
six different timelines. You're creating
Of course I am, Abed.
Four. One, two, three, four. Shirley.
my pies burn. Hee-hee. Okay, just don't let
no one eats those pies. Remember,
Come on, let's just talk to her. We tried, but she ignored us.
The woman has a baking problem.
I don't like being the bad guy any more than anybody else…
* Rox… d No.
Yeah, over here. Bathroom?
We do not enable her baking. We have a pact.
It's better for her in the long run.
Know who got it in the long run?
Eartha Kitt when I nailed her in the airplane bathroom.
What? Came up organically. Ew, Pierce.
Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.
Oh.
Cool. Thanks, Pierce.
Whoa!
What? It's a Norwegian troll. What is it?
together, I had it on display When Troy and I were living
in the hall outside his bedroom. He seemed very taken with it.
It used to watch me sleep! Pierce, shame on you.
Jeff, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna get a drink.
Ha, ha, ha. Ow!
Barely felt it. Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Let me look at it in the bathroom.
It's not dignified.
Pizza!
Pizza, pizza, in my tummy
Me so hungy, me so hungy
Did someone remember to take out my pies?
Seriously? Oh!
Oh, no.
Shirley, it doesn't matter. Seriously?!
We weren't gonna eat them.
You're not allowed to have baking as an identity.
the only married woman Excuse me for being
in a group of horny toads making googly eyes at each other.
Googly eyes? Googly eyes?
* I know my mind is made up *
Shirley, it's okay.
at me either. We're the same. Nobody makes googly eyes
Oh, Shirley. Shirley.
* Roxanne *
Adiós, Satipo.
* You don't have to put on The red light *
didn't burn in other timelines. Why is she upset? Her pies
a nervous breakdown. Shirley just had
More like a nervous… Bake-down, I know.
There are no other timelines. I didn't say it on purpose.
on my left with one, Okay, starting
your number comes up, you go.
six different timelines. You're creating
Of course I am, Abed.
Three. One, two, three. Pierce. Crap.
I was taking one in an airplane Speaking of crap,
decided to bang me. when Eartha Kitt
What? It's where my mind went. Oh!
Your mind went years ago.
Ugh. I'm gonna check on my pies.
* Roxann… d No.
Yeah, over here. Bathroom?
I love your place, Troy. You're all grown up now.
I can't believe those are real mahogany bunk beds in there.
I bet that cost you a few allowances.
Hm. All right.
Oh. Now we done it. Aw. Troy.
Britta's in the ba… Adiós, Satipo.
* Walk the streets for money *
Troy. Who is it?
I'm washing my hands. Good, then I can come in.
Oh, hi! Um…
I was, uh, smoking a cigarette. Uh, ahem.
I know what you were doing.
I'm 21 years old. I'm a man.
Oh, okay, here.
We all know that. I know that.
Then why is Jeff always picking on me?
a little hard on Troy. You seem to be
I'm gonna get a drink.
Oh, my God. Are you okay? Ow!
Barely felt it. Let me look in the bathroom.
Britta's in the bathroom. Oh, um…
Oh, no, what happened? Minor head wound.
we'll clean it and apply ice. If there's an abrasion,
You make a good nurse. Thanks.
Dr. Shirley says mini pies are the best medicine.
to see her degree. Then I'd like
because you're a threat. He's butting antlers
You've got your own place, you've got a future,
you've got a bowl full of olives next to the toilet.
It's a fancy party, Britta.
You know what Jeff has in his bathroom?
Neither do I.
He keeps his toiletries in a safe under the sink.
His whole personality is based around guarding himself.
You don't have to be like that to be a man.
You're really cool, Britta.
Man! Pizza guys are getting worse and worse looking.
Guess all the good ones went into porn.
Ceiling fan. I miss all the fun.
in the other timelines? What happened
Who cares? Who cares?
* Put on the red light d d Roxanne *
Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
six different timelines. You're creating
Of course I am, Abed.
Six. One, two, three, four, five, six.
Britta. Great.
Great. You know what's great? Air travel.
I've flown a lot, a lot of airplane stories.
Once had sex with Eartha Kitt… I'm gonna check on my pies.
Hm. Hey.
I'm gonna get a drink. You guys are my best…
Ha, ha, ha. Ow!
Ha, ha, ha! Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Barely felt it. Let me look in the bathroom.
Do I need to refill the toilet olives?
We're good. I checked. You're the best.
Wanna stay up all night talking? Duh-doy!
Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.
Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce.
You make a good nurse, Annie.
Thank you.
a tourniquet the other day. I actually had to apply
outside my building. A guy got stabbed
What? You gotta get the hell out of that apartment.
You don't have to treat me like a kid anymore.
Yeah, but adults still need to be protected.
I can't help but worry about you, Annie.
You're important to me.
Aah! Stop! Feel the terror!
Feel the terror of the Norwegian troll!
What's going on in here? Pierce is terrorizing Troy.
we moved in together. He's jealous
You're the one who's jealous.
Why would I be jealous?
Because you're lonely and crazy.
Hey, guys, this is Toby, our pizza delivery guy.
I know this is gonna sound nuts,
but we're in love and we're getting married.
in the other timelines? What happened
Wait, there are other timelines?
Starting on my left with one,
your number comes up, you go.
six different timelines. You're creating
Of course I am, Abed.
Ugh. Damn it. One. Troy.
I'm gonna go as fast as I can so I don't miss anything.
["ROXANNE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
You know who I used to call Miss Anything? Eartha Kitt.
What? He totally set me up.
I'm checking on my pies.
* Roxa… d No.
Yeah, over here. Bathroom?
Jeff, tell us about your father.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Oh, my God. Are you okay? Ow!
Barely felt it. Let me look in the bathroom.
What the hell?!
No! Aah!
Abed, help me stop the bleeding! Call 911.
I'm dying.
I am dying.
* Roxanne *
Water. Water. Water!
* Put on the red light d d Roxanne *
Breathe, Pierce.
* Put on the red light *
* Put on the red light ♪ You.
No!
Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
six different timelines. You're creating
Of course I am, Abed.
three, four, five. Abed. Five. One, two,
Know who else was on it? I'm on it.
And do you know what it is?
Everybody give me money.
softens your personality. Wow, that ascot really
I banged Eartha Kitt.
["ROXANNE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
* Roxann… d No.
Bathroom? Down the hall.
* You don't have to put on The red light *
I'm getting a drink.
Oh, my God. Are you okay? Ow!
Barely felt it. Let me look in the bathroom.
Britta's in the bathroom. Oh, um…
* You don't have to wear That dress tonight *
Oh, no, what happened? Minor head wound.
What smells amazing? Oh, my God.
Oh, someone wants pie!
You make a good nurse.
Oh, my God.
They taste just like regular-size pies.
Happy housewarming. Oh, yay!
Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce.
I just wanted to say thanks for letting me live with you.
is the only thing I'm good for. I feel like making desserts
make it on my own, like you did. But now it's time to try and
but worry about you, Annie. I can't help
you should open this. I don't think
What are you talking about? No… What?
You're very important to me.
Crap. I was not supposed to eat your stuff.
We made an agreement. Crap. I was not supposed to say that.
Crap. Okay, cards on the table. I'm really high right now.
Oh.
I'll give you something else. Give me…
A Waterpik. A speedboat. Two Waterpiks.
I can't believe I'm feeding my pies to a drug addict.
You're a pie pusher. Drug addict?
You push pies to get love.
Give it, Pierce! It feels fun! Stop it.
I'm sorry, I just had a weird déjà vu.
You're bad at gift-giving!
What you said about worrying about me,
my dad always said. it's something
I demand to be housewarmed! Shouldn't have brought it up.
Just reminded me of my dad.
A little Make Out 101. Anyway…
Less dad talk. And ease up on the bubblegum lip gloss.
No, I really… No, you…
* Put on the red light d d Roxanne *
Pizza time. Give me this,
you godless hippie skank!
You're a sick, sad old man and I hope you die alone.
Yeah.
* Put on the red light d d Roxanne *
in all those other timelines. I wonder what happened
* Put on the red light d d Roxanne *
I found a nickel in the hallway. I hope this is the real one.
* Put on the red light d d Roxanne *
Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
six different timelines. You're creating
Of course I am, Abed.
I don't think you should.
Chaos already dominates our lives.
is a raging sea of randomness. The universe
Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together
on the raft of life. A raft held together
by those few rare beautiful things
that we know to be predictable. Ropes? Vines.
Vines? Let him finish!
Us. It won't matter what happens to us
each other's flaws and virtues. as long as we accept
Shirley will be giving. Annie will be driven.
Britta's sort of a wild card. Pierce won't apologize.
a conniving son of a bitch. Jeff will forever remain
Abed! Six sides to this die
and seven of us. He devised a system
by which he never gets the pizza.
Really? Dang, man. Jeff, you crafty jackrabbit.
Pretty low, dude.
It's called friendship. Look it up. Encarta it.
I think we just found our pizza-getter.
We did. Yes, Jeffrey.
Oh, like it matters who goes.
What's so funny? Karma.
That guy sucks harder than the toilet
in an airplane bathroom.
Airplane bathroom… Oh, my pies.
Oh! ♪ Roxanne *
To put on the red light ♪ ♪ You don't have
* Those days are over ♪ ♪ Those days are over *
* You don't have to sell Your body to the night *
Sing, girls!
You should move here. I really love your place.
* You don't have to wear That dress tonight *
* Walk the streets for money *
Come on, Troy.
Or if it is right d d If it's wrong
* Roxanne *
* You don't have to put on The red light *
when I leave you alone, huh? You guys see what happens
* You don't have to put on The red light *
* Roxanne ♪ ♪ Put on the red light *
* Put on the red light ♪ ♪ Roxanne *
Go, Troy!
* Put on the red light *
* Roxanne ♪ ♪ Put on the red light *
May he rest in Pierce. To Pierce.
you've had enough? Don't you think
Of you.
I've been thinking about that night. One thing is clear.
This is the darkest, most terrible timeline.
the timeline crap, Abed! Enough with
and died. Shirley's a drunk. Pierce got shot in the leg
Annie's locked in a mental ward
because her guilt drove her insane.
Jeff lost an arm in the fire.
Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason,
he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it.
anything about trolls. You don't understand
Life has gone to hell, Abed.
Look at us. Look at me! This is real.
Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair,
and I lost an arm.
All because Jeff rolled a one. Exactly. Life got dark.
It's mine. I love how this is my fault.
I've run through that night. I come back to one thought:
I should've caught the die and not let you roll it.
I failed to do that and we all suffered.
make it up to you. But I'm gonna
This is the darkest timeline. What is this?
I propose we commit to evil. I made goatees out of felt.
you're able to grow your own. Put them on until
From now on, I am evil Abed.
and we have but one evil goal: We're the evil study group
Return to the prime timeline
the one that I stopped you from rolling that die.
ourselves and reclaim our lives. Destroy the good versions of
Evil Abed, as evil Jeff,
fewer punches with you? am I allowed to pull
Certainly. I hate you!
with your sci-fi crap! Shut up
and you're making fake beards! I lost my damn arm,
Goatees.
* Evil Troy and evil Abed *
peppered our biscuits. Those Blorgons
I don't know. What's wrong?
we got out just in space.
right into that one. I certainly walked
I guess nothing.