PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] [JAZZ MUSIC
Remember, you guys can have dip, too.
And don't be afraid to play with the…
…rubber spider!
I'll ask again,
I can't bring anything? are you sure
We're having a party, I don't understand.
before we're going to the real party?
are just making this crap up. I think you young people
It's a pre-party!
It's informal, intimate, and just for us.
you didn't have to dress up. I told you guys
Oh, we were wearing this when you called.
Yeah, when we dress up, you'll know it.
There's nothing in your playlist but Spooky Party,
the Beetlejuice soundtrack, and NPR podcasts.
Ooh! We could listen to one of those!
interviewing Errol Morris. I have Michele Norris
they address it. Don't worry,
let's make this quick. Okay,
appearances to make tonight. I got three more polite
the Fast & Furious guys. What? I'm one of
Which one? Oh, I don't know.
I don't watch that shallow crap.
I just pick a costume girls will like.
Jeff, can I have a quick conversation with you?
but I support the dream. Doubtful,
when I made you guys fill out Remember last week,
those anonymous personality tests for my psych class?
Listen, if you dropped them in another puddle…
No, I processed the results as per my assignment.
one of our friends is And, Jeff,
deeply disturbed.
Trick or dean!
Halloween Scare-tacular dance Don't forget to come by our
cafeteria at 9:30. starting in the
Also, I had the lights rigged to flicker
because it's Halloween!
It's been happening for a week.
Halloween week!
So the lights will work on November 1st?
All Saints' Day…Month!
about to get ridiculous? I'm sorry, you were
One of the tests came back Look!
with 70 out of 75 red flags
personality disorder. for an extreme
Extreme, Jeff!
Ah! Like a Dorito?
A sociopathic Dorito.
A Cool Ranch lunatic.
Only instead of zest, Jeff,
of our study group has one member
homicidal tendencies.
* It's a spooky party *
I think one member of our study group
is an overzealous psych major.
You probably Britta'd the test results somehow.
No. I double-checked them.
Are people using my name Wait.
"make a small mistake"? to mean
Yes.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some rope Tie me to dream *
To run out of steam d d Give me the hope
* Somebody said It can be here *
Tied up, dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
They all just fade away ♪ d One by one
Let's make this party fast and furious,
in that order.
Yeah, I want to go to the dance.
I heard the dean's got free taco meat from the army.
to the dance in a bit. We can go
But first, why don't we tell some scary stories?
Good!
I'll start with a story about a horrible fate
befalling innocent people,
to get individual reactions. and then I'm curious
Once upon a time,
in a car in the woods there was a couple
making out or something.
I think I heard something.
It's just the sound of my heart, baby.
Mmm.
In the news tonight, top story.
from the asylum has escaped, An escaped convict
he's on the loose and stuff. and he's mental and
Oh, my God. That sounds dangerous.
it's no biggie, Oh, I'm sure
I'm only half-present. but I am a horny man.
He was last seen in the woods and has a thingy for a hand,
where his hand should be. a hook thing
That sounds dangerous. You know what I mean.
I'll get out and look. Fine,
I'm entitled to sex. But then
with his hook hand thing. I'm getting stabbed
Oh, my God! No!
I was right!
screaming and screaming The woman was
and the man got killed.
Yep? Abed?
How did that story make you feel?
Embarrassed. That's an odd reaction.
Seems fair.
What embarrassed you about it?
I didn't care about the characters.
Didn't care about them? They put themselves in danger.
They were warned about it, the guy got out of the car.
Do you believe because he was stupid he deserved to die?
kind of party is this? What the hell
From a creative standpoint, some characters deserve to die.
Ones that lack common sense or basic survival instinct.
It's not scary because the characters are making choices
the audience wouldn't make.
You need a smarter lead. Here, like this.
cold night in the woods. It's a dark,
We establish a traditional log cabin, then cut to…
a log cabin I rented so we could Here we are,
because it's not the '50s, be intimate in safety,
so we don't have to neck at Inspiration Point.
That makes sense. I'm turned on by how logical you are.
I'm comforted by your shiny hair and facial symmetry.
I just brushed my teeth, Well,
the optimal time to kiss. so this would be
Enjoyable. Soft lips.
level of moisture. Just the right
Would you like to do it again? No.
to the news on this radio. We should listen
as a cautionary measure, I brought it
is within walking distance because this cabin
of the local insane asylum.
Oh, is that why you were able to rent this
at such a reasonable rate? Yes.
I hope you're as fertile as I am tonight. More.
Ah.
Abed! Why are you doing the whole song?
They wouldn't turn the radio on at the exact moment
of the most pertinent news broadcast.
But I'll jump forward in time.
What was that noise?
Based on the news report we just heard,
I assume it's the hook-handed killer, who escaped
when the asylum's antiquated security system failed.
shouldn't have cut corners, I guess they
although it is understandable, given the economic downturn.
Should we go check it out?
on my fully-charged cell phone, No. We should call 911
and then stand back to back lock the doors,
of the room holding knives. in the middle
Shh! I love you…
Ugh! Did these people ever die or what?
once it had been… Eventually,
…earned!
Well, Britta,
barking up the wrong tree. it looks like you're
hear a scary story? Yeah. You want to
I've got a scary story.
Thank you for pulling me from that carriage.
I don't know what could have frightened my horses so.
make these woods their home. Many vile creatures
Some even warn of…monsters.
I don't believe in monsters.
I believe every man has good within.
I must retrieve my books from the debris tomorrow.
I am a schoolteacher,
and many children rely on me to educate them.
innocent one! Be gone,
What's wrong?
not to believe in them, You may choose
but I am a monster.
And I must feed.
Do not judge me for my weakness.
Stifle your slackened maw,
and tainted bitch dog. you drained
I'm fine with this.
Ah! Wait!
Teach me to read.
Aw.
Wo…
Sound it out.
Word… Dog… Mmm-hmm.
…hates cats.
"O reason not the need!
Our basest beggars are in the poorest things superfluous."
Yes! Yes! Yes!
of how much I've changed you. You should be proud
Thank you for helping me,
but I'm afraid some monsters
cannot change.
No…
Resist your craving!
Just pick up a good book
and read!
Your porcelain neck,
of the full moon… in the light
Too appetizing.
Unfortunate…
For you.
some monsters cannot change. You see,
But others can.
What is this?
I'm a werewolf that feeds on selfish vampires.
into his torso, And she ripped
like a gerbil shredding a Quaker Oats box,
sending chunks of viscera
and an aerosol mist of blood all over the skanky concubine.
Then, she flossed her teeth with his tendons.
he was a vampire, And, because
he lived through all of it.
swallow his last eyeball. He had to watch her
She kept it attached to the optic nerve,
so he could see down her throat,
partially digested flesh to his own
in her stomach.
Mmm!
See? There was a twist.
Wow, Annie.
I didn't know you were such a fan of…gore.
It's Halloween. If you're gonna tell a scary story,
give it some texture.
Wasn't that great.
Well, your texture was so discompassionately macabre,
as if without the slightest regard for human life.
Stop pinning ribbons to her. That's enough.
Why does Annie get to be good at everything?
You guys wanna hear a real, legit scary story?
Hello?
Is there anyone here?
I need help.
Oh, thank God. An old doctor.
are top gun fighter pilots, Me and my partner
Pew, pew, pew. the best of the best.
Our F-15 went down in the woods.
something awesome out there. I thought I heard
Please, come in,
and what have you. for first aids
Mmm, drinks from a stranger.
So medical. Thank you.
Ah.
Wakey-wakey.
What's going on?
This cabin is my lab,
experiments on people. where I do weird
Look!
No!
Forced to be together forever!
I sewed you together.
sewed you together! I totally
Abed!
Now that we're sewn together, do we have ESP?
Yes! We're psychic now.
We can destroy him with mind powers.
Ow!
to destroy us… You tried
But you only made us…
More awesome!
No! I'm legit jealous.
are the subject. Now you
Tell me more. What? What?
We sewed your butt to your chest! Ha!
No!
Wait.
Ha! You fools!
By sewing my butt to my chest,
you've given me boobs I can touch all day.
With what?
No!
Feet hands.
to deserve that? What did I do
your stupid stories. Keep me out of
I didn't say it was you.
I said he was a crazy, old, racist doctor.
Yeah, and I'm your crazy, old, racist friend.
Now I'm not so sure. I was, anyway.
It's just a story, Pierce.
Well, so is this. Yeah?
Come back to bed, Magnum.
In a moment, girls.
I'm just enjoying an expensive, post-coital brandy.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Whats we gots heres?
This is a home invasion, you jive mother.
Easy, easy, easy.
to get hurt here. Nobody has
Yeah, that's right, honky.
You take it real easy
and give us all your expensive brandy and hubcaps.
Okay, but…
Whoa!
Oh, man.
You are still relevant!
Oh, my God!
for my birthday spanking. Okay, I'm ready
knows how to count to 30? Which of you girls
What in the hell was that?
That wasn't even a ghost story.
It was like an episode of some show
we're all too young to have heard of.
Fine! Then I chopped up both your bodies.
and you were Magnum? So that was us
Still am, Pakistan. Wanna try me?
are starting to get personal. Guys, I think these stories
And so needlessly violent.
What happened to the days when ghost stories
were about good versus evil?
Once upon a time…
My drugs are wearing off. Aw, man.
Who's got more?
Here you go, baby.
All right, all right.
That is my kind of pot bong.
check it out. Yo, Jango,
and tornadoes of frogs. Swarms of locusts
I lived in New York. I don't care.
New York out there. Ugh! It's like
We interrupt your metal to bring you heavy news.
got raptured up to heaven, All the good Christians
so if you're hearing this,
the good news is you're the coolest people in the world.
The bad news is Yes!
the world is over. This is NPR.
Aw, man. End of days?
Could anything suck harder than this?
Hell-o!
Devil here.
Just popping by with a little damnation orientation.
Here's the sched.
At 10, you'll be buried neck-deep in scorpions.
followed by Pilates. 11:15, lava enemas,
Oh. That's good. I like Pilates.
that eats your genitals. Pilates is a demon
But first,
stabby-stabby. Ha-ha-ha!
For whom do ye cry out?
All the good people are gone!
Whoa! Look!
pick on for being Christian. It's our friend we used to
Oh, she looks great.
A righteous wind blows! Aah!
Off to Pilates!
saving us, Shirley. Thank you for
your name's not Shirley, I mean,
this is a story about strangers.
Anyhoo, can you take us to heaven now, please?
Ooh, I cannot.
on my way to Abraham's bosom. I just came to say goodbye
Bye.
I forgive you.
Gay marriage!
And he chainsaw-ed them to bits!
Then he put 'em back together.
And then he chainsaw-ed them again! Forever.
Where was Jeff in that story?
my name Jango? And why was
Shirley, that wasn't a horror story.
You ruined a Britta party. That was a sermon.
letting poop spoil. That's like
No! Wait! No!
until we figure this out. No one can leave
Figure what out? Long story short,
I made you take came back. those psych tests
probably a homicidal maniac. Turns out one of you is
That's stupid.
I have a responsibility,
of the mental arts, as a practitioner
to figure out which one of you is sick,
the treatment you need. and get you
You're a danger to yourself and others.
We've known each other for two years.
None of us are murderers.
No, but one of you has the potential.
do you know what might happen? If we leave here now,
Britta, what are you describing?
What?
Who has images like that in their head?
The same kind of person that would make us
tell ghost stories in order to study our minds.
that one of you… I'm just worried
One of us? You took that test too, right?
What are you saying? What?
What if it is me? Oh, my God!
Wait. This is crazy!
We're getting freaked out because it's Halloween.
to settle down. We just need
I'll kill you!
to be barium-sulfated! You don't want
Stay back, psychos! Get away from me!
Or I'll slit your throats and bathe in your blood.
Whoa! What has happened to all of you?
all the stories. You heard
Anyone here could be a psycho!
is what's psycho. Thinking that
that I think might help. Here, I have a story
Whee! Cheers.
Whoa, whoa. Wait!
Before you do anything,
you kill people. tell us why
Fear.
I kill because I'm afraid.
Somebody, please, give me a hug.
Aw!
Get in here.
Love hugs. Love hugs.
Let it out. It's okay.
You're welcome.
That was the gayest crap I've ever heard.
Yeah, Jeff. What the hell?
Why are you always so determined to have us put down our weapons?
Maybe he's a remorseless madman with no empathy,
by manipulating others. who eludes detection
Yeah, Jeff.
Maybe we should go through your test answers one by one.
I filled mine out randomly. It doesn't matter.
Oh, come on. What?
You idiot!
That was probably the test that returned the psychotic result!
What kind of sociopath Hmm. Maybe.
doesn't offer that information, like, an hour ago?
I'm no sociopath. No, no.
what I'm doing is wrong. I always know
I'm just a guy that doesn't like taking tests, doing work,
So if you think about it, or getting yelled at.
the sanest person here. that makes me
Is this your test or what?
How should I know? It's just a bunch of bubbles.
Wait! Give me those.
Why are the scores on the bottoms of the sheets?
They should…
Britta, look at the arrow.
the machine upside-down. You ran these through
She Britta'd it.
Whatever. I'll run them through again.
And you guys are gonna stop using my name
to mean "making a tiny and understandable mistake."
So we're all insane.
for this person. Well, except
Is that one mine?
figure it out, right? We should probably
If one of us isn't crazy,
the rest of us know. it's only fair
Or we could hold on to the comforting notion
that any one of us might be sane.
Yeah. Okay.
We learned an important lesson tonight.
We should never make the Britta
each other's feelings. of Britta-ing
You're using it wrong.
You Britta'd "Britta'd." Wow.
I don't get it. Yeah, way to pull an Abed.
Shirley, don't Pierce.
I don't get it.
it's been three days! Guys,
gonna let me go? When are you
At least say something!
Guys? Guys!
Should we let him go?
Hmm, let me think.
Nah. More brandy?
Don't mind if I do.
Should we get back in our F-15 Mmm, that's terrible.
that we repaired with our mind power?
the same thing! I was thinking
I know! Jinx!
Triple jinx! Ha-ha! Double jinx!
* Troy and Abed Sewn together d