Damn it!
square thing and jiggle it left. Put the teethy wrench on the
square thing is a Hampton bolt Thanks. By the way, that
a Manacheck maneuver. and you described
Hey. Hey, I'm just here for the Tater Tots.
Look, I know you think Wait.
plumbing, and I respect that. you made your mind up about
But come to the third floor men's room tomorrow after 3.
Unclog one toilet and tell me you don't feel something,
bring it up again. and I'll never
All right. One toilet.
If it will get you off my back.
Abed, look.
Cool. Stonehenge.
I'm gonna have him sign it.
Excuse me.
Are you Pierce Hawthorne of Hawthorne Wipes?
At your cervix.
I thought you were a lady. Oh, sorry,
You can use that cervix line if you want.
I told you it was him. Mind signing this?
He's a big fan.
* I got a pocket full Of Hawthornes *
* Pocket full of Hawthornes *
Okay, Randall, power down.
What was that about?
Fans of the product, I suppose.
we call them towel-heads. In the wipes business,
a conversation with two gay men I'm impressed you got through
without doing this…
Wait. Those guys were… Mm-hm.
I assumed they were just brothers or wealthy.
Why did they wanted your autograph?
This might be why. ♪ It's Friday night *
* I'm putting on my highest Heels, my shortest skirt *
For concealing my penis d d My best device
* And I got everything I need Ow *
* I got my body, got my lips *
* Got a pocket full of Hawthornes *
* P-p-p-pocket full of Hawthornes *
Oh, my God, Pierce, your moist towelettes are a gay icon.
What do Hawthorne Wipes have to do with the choice to be gay?
according to Wikipedia… Well,
Oh! Oh, my.
Even Bruce Vilanch? Especially Bruce Vilanch.
That is copyright infringement and defamation.
the pants off that lady. I'm gonna sue
I don't think that's a lady.
Why do you want his pants off? Shut up.
I thought he was a lady. Only when
So you were attracted to him. Only thing I'm attracted to
and eating his ass alive. is taking him to court
That's not what I meant. Ooh…
Stop putting gay things in my mouth.
* I got a pocket full of Hawthornes *
* Pocket full of Hawthornes ♪ It's catchy.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some rope Tie me to dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
* Somebody said It can be here *
Tied up, dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
They all just fade away d d One by one
I hope Pierce doesn't really sue that lady-man singer.
His life must be hard having to sew pouches in his skirts.
Yes, I'm always nice to the gays.
They defy God, but I'd die
a woman touch my hair. before I let
Gay-oh! Hey, what's going on with you bitches?
"Bitches" is gay talk for "friends."
Did you sue Urbana Champaign for his T-shirt?
Not at all, I bought this.
Also, I'm a gay-rights advocate. I'm a fan.
negatized, creating Anti-Pierce. Pierce's positrons have been
Happens on Inspector Spacetime.
Yeah, but Anti-Inspector
and was kind of rape-y. had a funny mustache
Don't think his positrons have been negatized.
Constable Reggie said. Exactly what
No, I thought about it, and I decided
a man should not be judged by what he does with a man's butt.
Since that song came out, Here's the kick.
Hawthorne Wipes sales went up 7 percent.
And it's good. Yep.
a design for a new product line. Had my own people mock up
Hawthorne Pride Wipes.
They may cost more, but they're gayer.
these little babies I'm gonna launch
at a big party here at Greendale.
Ooh. Here's a flyer.
first annual gay bash." "Greendale's
meeting the minimum requirements Pierce, congratulations on
for open-mindedness.
Yeah, I'm really proud of you. You're growing as a person.
He's not supporting gay people, they're supporting him.
he'd have ridden in on a donkey. If Mexicans were buying,
People earning respect with money is the American way.
Not that my father would've agreed.
It took a federal injunction to get him to sell to the Italians.
I see what's going on. In my psych class,
the Edible Complex. I'm learning about
Men have to kill their fathers,
so they can do something to their mothers.
I haven't finished the chapter.
you're wrong about everything? What's that complex where
Ha. Sarcasm from the man with the mother of all daddy issues.
Whoa, double diagnosis.
those poor real doctors. Save some for all
What type of cookies do you want?
We have peanut butter or chocolate chip.
Rainbow, bitches.
We can have peanut butter or chocolate chip.
It's pretty great. Well?
Tight seal, good flow.
Kid's pretty handy.
You get the hell out of here!
Go on!
Who was that? You listen to me.
What you have is a gift.
to take advantage of that gift. And some people are gonna try
All right. I promise. Promise you'll use it for good.
Good. Now, come with me to the second floor.
Somebody pooped in the sink.
have a lot in common. We actually
we hate baggy pants… We hate lesbians,
I can't believe you guys are all Bears fans.
Randall. Super fans.
Somebody take a picture. Come on, photo of this.
Okay, let's take a silly one.
All right. Okay, okay.
Piercinald Anastasia Hawthorne.
Father.
We need to talk, boy.
Um…
Gentlemen.
have been selected as candidates You are here because you
Conditioning Repair School. for the Greendale Air
But why kidnap you?
Why put a sack over your head
in the middle of the night? and drag you here
in the corner making paninis? Why is there an astronaut
Simple, we don't want you to tell anyone about this.
And if you do, we don't want them believing you.
Isn't that right, Black Hitler?
Your initiation
begins
now, gentlemen.
I'm looking for Troy. Hey, guys,
but couldn't say where he is. He said he's fine,
he's been kidnapped? Do you think
Usually one of the parents,
and almost always ends in murder-suicide.
Why are you smiling? I'm smiling?
If you see him, tell him Jerry's looking for him.
Jeff, what're you gonna wear to Pierce's party?
Ooh. They'll love that. Nothing.
Ha, ha. I mean, I'm not going,
you're supporting it. and I can't believe
Everybody, this is my father, Cornelius Hawthorne.
Oh. I always assumed your father was dead.
Just mathematically.
Mom liked to pretend that was the case.
These your friends, Pierce? Hello.
Minorities, Jewesses, and the unseasonably tan?
That is inappropriate.
more weight since I'm white. And maybe you'll give that
You've got a wide brow. What are you, Scandinavian?
Yeah, Swedish.
Your blood is tainted Swedish dogs.
by generations of race-mixing with Laplanders.
You're basically Finns.
he's like the Abed of racism. Goodness,
what's going on with your hair? Since no one's asking,
Ordinary toupee hair is harvested
from heads of the godless Oriental.
Solid ivory is the only way
to be assured of true follicular purity
while identifying myself as a man of means.
I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty.
What brings you here? You excuse racism?
It's not for your son's party.
Unless "segregationist mummy" is a gay fetish.
with my father, the party's off, Actually, after discussing it
and we're canceling Pride Wipes.
Stand up straight when talking to the lower classes.
Now, excuse me, I need to go find a half-decent ivory buffer
in this two-horse town.
Oh, the party's canceled? I bought a cone bra.
Piercinald, please tell me
because of your father. you did not cancel
It's a business decision, Jeff. I took a look at the numbers,
had someone explain them, and this is the way we're going.
You said Pierce's idea was dumb. Before it was oppressed by…
A father? A homophobe.
This isn't about fathers.
a long-suffering community This is about
with constitutional right
and whatever they want. to wipe whoever
If you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them?
This is so Edible.
a terrible therapist. Britta, you'll make
If you need to talk to someone, I don't recommend you.
That how your dad talked to your mom?
he talked to yours. That's how
How does that make you feel?
Shut up.
* Can you feel it? *
Oh. Jeffrey!
Ah. I was sad when Pierce said he was canceling the party.
you said it was back on. I was so happy when
Yeah, he's busy with his dad,
but I knew how much it meant to him.
I throw a pretty gay party, huh?
Yeah, it's great, if you're into that kind of thing.
Time to mingle.
What the hell is this?
courtesy of Hawthorne Wipes. Gay bash,
And I uncanceled it. I canceled this.
My dad's gonna disown me.
Oh, no, you'll be free of him forever.
You'll never have to cower at his voice,
or shudder when you see an elephant.
You're welcome, Pierce.
I did what you never had the guts to do.
You resent my father Britta was right.
problems with your own. because you've got
After "Britta was right,"
everything you said sounded like a fog horn.
Then have your big gay party.
I'm out of here.
Pierce, have one drink.
You're gonna wanna see the guest of honor.
Pull the cord, fellas.
Pierce, Pierce, Pierce!
Well, maybe just one drink.
Done.
Mr. Barnes,
walk with me.
air-conditioning repair Mr. Barnes,
is an elite worldwide family
dating back to the very beginnings of civilizations.
Our predecessors were slaves,
fanning the pharaohs with palm fronds.
Over time, we became expert
at making our superiors comfortable.
We made it our business, and along the way,
to make ourselves comfortable. we learned
No more palm fronds, Troy.
Now we are the pharaohs.
Breathprint approved.
Feel that?
Precisely. Actually, I don't feel…
Have you heard the expression "room temperature"?
This is the room. Of course.
This is the room temperature room.
I can't tell where the air ends and my skin begins.
That's what we do, Troy. It's incredible.
Incredible, invisible, inbelievable things.
We're an unseen, unknown,
unvincible fraternity of craftsmen.
Graduates of this school are guaranteed lucrative employment
for their entire lives.
And I'm inviting you to join us.
Will there always be paninis? There is one catch, Troy.
Once you're in,
you're in.
Air-conditioning repair will be your life.
A life of secrets you'll be unable to share with outsiders.
air-conditioning repairman You will be an
and nothing else
until the day you die.
I don't expect you to make a decision now.
Take 24 hours.
Breathprint approved. Cool.
I can't feel my pants.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Go, Pierce. Go, Pierce. It's your birthday.
Congratulations. You got Pierce to symbolically kill his father
by dancing to club music.
You should be happy about this.
Pierce is becoming more tolerant,
and it has nothing to do with his father.
Look at me now, Dad.
Yeah, look at me now, Dad.
Look at me now, Dad.
Hey. Where you been? Not allowed to say.
Are you Superman? No.
Would you tell me if you were?
why he cared who knew. I never understood
This is the hottest party we've ever had.
It's pretty dope.
it's dangerously hot. No, I mean,
Our air-conditioning system
for this gay a party. wasn't built
I'll take a look.
Tron? What's Tron?
Ooh!
a real sausage fest. Man, this party's
I knew it. Knew what?
Don't play dumb with me.
Did they promise you the life of your dreams?
You can have that as a plumber too, without pretense.
They're elitist. Why do you hate them so much?
They make everybody think that they're special.
Because the truth is they're not.
I have a gift. I'm special. I'm not a loser like you.
I'm gonna eat spaceman paninis with Black Hitler
you can do about it! and there's nothing
Wow, you seem to be enjoying yourself.
I've gotta say, I don't know why the word "gay" means "dumb."
These guys are all right in my book.
Pierce Hawthorne, get your fine, gay-loving ass up here
and say something to your fans. Come on!
will you keep it a secret? If I tell you something,
Secret handshake. Secret.
I said I can't talk to you
but I can talk to myself. about what's going on,
Can you pretend to be me?
I like football, but also I don't.
air conditioning and plumbing. I can't choose between
I know, it's so hard, right? Let's ask Abed.
Now you be me.
What should I do?
but Harrison Ford might. I don't know,
Don't get cocky, kid.
Abed, tell me what to do. This isn't working.
Plumbing and air conditioning seem identical.
They're not. They couldn't be more or less identical.
Well, what do you feel like doing?
Honestly, I feel like watching TV with you.
They're making me choose.
it could screw up my life. If I choose wrong,
If you have to, go with whatever makes you the happiest.
They're virtually the same thing.
what I need to do. I think I know
Don't get cocky, kid.
All right, bitches!
this whole thing… I just wanna say
…was a huge mistake.
Uh, Hawthorne Wipes is officially
to the gay community. severing its ties
Effective immediately, What?
a straights-only product. it will return to being
Fake heart attack.
everything he knows. I taught him
So how long you guys been on the force?
Pierce, what the hell was that?
That was my boy. That was…
Standing up for good old Hawthorne values.
All due respect, sir, zero respect for you.
Typical Welsh nonsense. But, Father, I…
Wanna be like this guy? He's wearing elephant bones.
He will be what I tell him to be because I am his father.
Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years
and spend every minute doing important things.
At the end of it, I would've only lived half a life
if I had not raised a son.
This was a gift handed to you. You squandered it.
You have hatred in your heart
because you're trying to fill a hole
where your kid was supposed to go. Now it's too late.
Now you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist.
Well, mission accomplished.
But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you
from every son of every crap dad that ever lived.
So what?
I'm done with you.
He's done with you.
The world is done with you.
Come on in. He's a Hawthorne. This is what they do.
He's faking.
Pierce, listen, I just wanna say…
that the Canadian mallard Did you know
is the only fowl that bites his father's head off?
That is definitely not true. I don't know.
on the Wikipedia. I looked it up
Pierce, um,
I just wanna say, you know,
sorry for killing your dad.
Don't blame yourself.
a lot of his organs He bought
from questionable sources.
he wanted you to have this. Oh, here,
you should take it. No, Pierce,
Believe me, I'd love it. But terms of his will
kills him gets to keep it. state that whoever
Well, I guess I'm up.
"Father, I'll never forget what you said to me
on my first day of school:
'Comb your hair, you idiot. You look Greek.'
I'll never know if that's true,
scared to stand up for myself. but I do know that I was too
Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead,
and I'm not.
So I win."
And you can suck it.
Dude just told his dead dad to suck it.
You're the worst. So Edible.
Your 24 hours has expired.
I need an answer, Troy.
Are you ready to join the elite brotherhood
air conditioners? of guys who fix
Vice Dean Laybourne. I'm sorry,
But I realize no one's better than anyone else.
are better at sports I mean, some people
and there are magicians,
but I was put on this earth to do something else.
So you're going to be what?
A plumber?
No, I'm not gonna be a plumber either.
to deal with poop. Because they have
to watch TV with my friend. My decision for now is
You're making a huge mistake.
But at least it's my mistake. That may be, sir.
Doesn't change the fact it's a mistake.
Doesn't it?
No, it doesn't.
Sir, there was a malfunction in the cafeteria last night.
The Amana 5000 had a compound coil fracture.
But it was fixed.
Heh, heh, heh, very funny.
Not even I can fix a compound coil fracture overnight.
But he can.
Constable Reggie. Inspector Spacetime.
This isn't over, Troy Barnes.
It's only just begun.
You know what? I was wrong.
a very good therapist. You'll make
And why is that?
in that whole oedipal thing. You really nailed Pierce
serious father issues. The guy's got
Don't you think you may have some oedipal issues as well?
You literally killed a father. Not seeing the connection.
Yeah, well, not mine, dummy.
Wow.
You going home alone? Hey, Winger.
Gay!
Constable Reggie. That was close,
had us dead to rights. Those Blorgons
What on Beta-Earth do they want from us?
The question's not what they want from us, but when.
Inspector, look out! Blorgons!
Eradicate! Eradicate! Eradicate!
Pew, pew, pew. Unh.
Take that, Blorgon scum.
How old are you guys?
The question isn't how old we are,
but when old we are. Ah.
In your face, Blorgon twit.
Pew. Pew, pew, pew.
'Sup, girl?
How you living? Pew.