Pierce! Hi!
Hi, Pierce. Oh… Hi!
Hi. Hey.
Happy New Year, you guys. Do anything fun over break?
Baby Ben got to be Baby Jesus in our church's Nativity play.
Jordan, one of the Wise Men, Andre was Joseph,
and I was in charge of casting.
I digitized my entire movie collection. Goodbye, VHS.
Hello, SelectaVision CED Video Disc.
for the new semester. I'm very psyched
Intro to Human Psyched. Or should I say…
The worst.
we actually get to diagnose For our midterm,
a fellow student with something.
too much of that already? Don't you do
Opposition Disorder. Accusational
Hello. Whoa.
You all noticed my swagger has a new swagger.
I'll explain. Over break, I took the plunge
and started seeing a new shrink. What? Hello!
Hello. I talked about my dad, punched a few pillows.
amazing anti-anxiety pill. And she put me on this
It's really enhanced my self-confidence.
I explained that really well.
on anti-anxiety meds. Jeff, you can't be
What little self-doubt you have is the only thing
keeping your ego penned in.
You are a textbook narcissist.
narcissist, Britta. I'm an exceptional
Oh, excuse me.
I didn't kill my wife!
I don't care.
Stop that fugitive!
I was wondering how long for things to get back to normal.
Abed realized he could hire Over break,
for his own personal use. celebrity impersonators
He's not hurting anybody. He's been doing it a lot.
He likes reenacting scenes from movies.
It's unquestionably awesome. I question it.
a bad Tom Hanks from Cast Away. He spent New Year's with
That makes sense. Abed was the volleyball?
You guys, focus! Where's he getting the money?
Intervention. Intervention.
You seriously have a problem. No! You guys need to stop.
I said I didn't kill my wife! I still don't care.
Freeze!
Chang, they're just acting!
What was that? Oh. Sorry.
I've got a friend at the zoo.
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
* Give me some more Time in a dream *
To run out of steam ♪ d Give me the hope
* Somebody said It can be here *
Tied up dead in a year ♪ d We could be roped up
* I can't count the reasons I should stay *
* One by one they all Just fade away *
What is this I hear about a tranquilizer gun?
If you had hit a small student, they could have died!
a heavy flashlight for them. I wouldn't. I have
Oh, Ben! Look,
to extreme measures. I have to resort
I'm a one-man army. You won't let me have any guards.
We get 80% of our electricity We're broke, Ben!
from the apartment building across the street.
Okay. I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you,
but all you're making me feel right now
is hatred of Renee Zellweger.
Look, maybe you can bring on some students
as security interns.
I'll let you offer them a credit in safety or math.
Thank you. You won't regret this unless I rise up against you.
I said that. Bye. I don't know why
Huh! Tah!
Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi!
Jeff. Jeff!
I looked it up. I was right.
I looked it up too. Weird. Oh, about Danny Thomas?
No, those meds you're taking.
Without anxiety to keep your vanity in check,
you are vulnerable to a syndrome called hypernarcissosis.
This apple is your ego. Okay, look.
to the point of critical mass, Imagine it expanding
your whole personality, taking over
an uncontrollable monster. making you
clear? Imagine it expanding? How did an apple make that
I'm on my way to lunch. Use a balloon.
Why take this away from me?
I'm in harmony with the world. I like having no anxiety.
Thank you for that compliment, Looking good, Winger.
and for your service to this country.
I'm so confident I can pull things off I never dreamed.
Look. Aviators.
Final boarding call, Beefcake Airways.
I'm warning you as your friend to get off of those meds.
Until they're out of your system,
stay away from flattering situations, weddings,
formal wear, gay bars. soft lighting,
Because they make me look good? And take those off!
That's not relevant. Ah, welcome back, Jeffrey.
How was your… Uh-huh-hunh!
Oh, my God! Even his shadow! Look at his shadow!
Security internship available.
Come on, see the world.
You won't see the world, but come on!
Oh, hey, Vinnie. Hey, Nadir.
celebrity impersonator service. Vinnie's the owner of the
That's how we all get started. You look familiar.
But at a certain point, if you're smart,
you move up to management before the gold mine
of resembling French Stewart runs dry.
Ah… French Stewart…
Speaking of gold mines, you owe me 3 grand, pal.
Cool. Put it on my account. Do I look like a sucker?
But I don't have 3 grand. French Stewart.
I'll tell you something… Better get it. Because
You'd make an amazing Seacrest. Holy crap.
Very kind. Thank you. You're actually a lot taller.
You've actually got a sharper jaw too.
You're more handsome than the guy famous for being handsome.
Jeff?
Just stay humble. You'll be okay.
Maybe there's another option for you.
I've got a big event Saturday,
needs a lot of bodies, huh?
And I see some high-value faces here. Got an Oprah.
And sitting next to her Oh!
or an Anne Hathaway. is a Judy Garland
Add a few extra teeth.
versions of Michael Jackson. Wow, this is rare. Both
And you…Fat Brando. Burt Reynolds.
What? What?
Fat Brando. Whatever. Burt Reynolds. Whatever.
work this gig for me Look, if you guys
we'll call it even. for six hours,
Can we have a minute to talk? Sounds fun.
Sure. The guy who makes fish sticks
looks like Quincy Jones. Get out.
Guys, I'm sorry, Seriously.
but we have to put our foot down.
She has a point. Next time it'll be $10,000, then 20,
then he'll hit rock bottom and have no one but Jesus.
I say we let this play out. I'd love to help,
but playing Ryan Seacrest at a big party
a safe situation for me. may not be
We could actually hurt Abed if every time he faces reality,
we play make-believe to bail him out.
Shame on you people.
to help Abed grow up. It's not our job
Abed is a magical, elflike man Abed doesn't need reality.
who makes us all more magical by being near us.
Pierce, who came over that time you forgot how to fart?
Abed. Shirley…
who got you a DVD of Precious, based on Push, by Sapphire,
autographed by Sapphire? and a copy of Push
All we had was dumb reality Abed.
before we met that man.
He's made all of our lives better than reality.
Now it becomes inconvenient, and it's time to get real?
For shame!
He's right.
Sorry, Troy. Hey, guys.
Abed, we would be happy to help you out.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool. It'll be a good time.
Oh, thank you. Cool. Oprah.
See ya, Vinnie. Fat Brando.
Yeah. Burt Reynolds.
Thanks for being flexible. This'll be fun.
Fun. Yeah, sure. But here's the deal.
Um, if you guys mess this up,
then his debt is overdue.
And I don't send another bill.
No, I send two guys that look a lot
and Michael Chiklis. like Ving Rhames
convincing impression And they do a very
of breaking your friend's legs.
they actually break them. Their secret is,
Impersonators, our guest of honor is one Howie Schwartz,
who, according to the Talmud, just became a man.
But I wouldn't want him next to me in a foxhole.
Ground rules: Ha!
assigned quadrants Do stay in your
quoting lines from movies you are positive
that your impersonatee was in.
Do not leave your quadrant,
burp, fart, cough, hiccup or cuss.
our resident Walter Matthau. The exception being James,
How you doing, Jimmy?
Aw, you give 'em hell. All right, let's go.
All my life I has to fight.
I'm ready to tango.
I need you in this tux. Handsome Seacrest,
Aw, zip it, White Jacko. Jeff, do not wear that.
Don't worry, that thing in the cafeteria freaked me out,
so my shrink doubled my dosage.
Jeff, that's insane! What?
I thought so too, but after I took that extra pill,
it seemed like a great idea.
No, Jeff! Jeff, put it on. Go.
Stop arguing. If you have anything else to say,
say it in a high-pitched voice walking backwards.
Jeff is in danger. Hee-hee!
I'm one of the impersonators. Uh, may I help you?
Which one?
Do I have to say it?
Burt Reynolds.
Uh, yeah, I don't believe anybody hired you
to impersonate Burt Reynolds.
Do I have to say it? Why not?
May I help you?
I'm Brando.
Could be under "Fat."
Ah. Oh.
Totally.
Go on in.
Bam.
I'm talking to Geena Davis. Get back to your station.
or Vinnie won't clear your debt. We have to do this right
Who cares about money? Look around. This is why we're alive.
Ooh, fake Lorenzo Lamas. Let's go.
I was so sad to hear of your passing.
Me too.
Sergeant Chang, what are you doing here?
Just one of the perks Hey, Annie.
when your brother's a rabbi.
private security gigs He throws me some
at the events he officiates.
They can get really intense sometimes.
brought a scalpel to a bris? Can you believe some jerk
Now smile.
of his quadrant? Why is he out
I'm Lorenzo Lamas.
Please. He's reenacting a movie.
What movie were Jamie Lee Curtis and Lorenzo Lamas in together?
I'm embarrassed because you've never seen Lorenzo's Oil.
that gets his address book Lorenzo is an oil tycoon
Jamie Lee Curtis', switched with
and they give each other piggyback rides.
Tch. I can't believe… Did you go to college?
Yes.
No. Whatever. Keep working.
You are gorgeous! Oh, my God.
Look at this one. He's like a Robert Redford.
No, no, more like a taller, hotter Ryan Seacrest.
You're more handsome Amazing.
than the guy who's famous for being handsome.
Skull Cracker 2000. Top of the line.
Me! Who wants to hold it?
That's so cool. Awesome.
Dude, this is so sick. Check this out.
interested in a college credit? Any of you fine young men
Right! Sure!
Look, if you have a request, I'm not a real DJ.
You look like a friend. These are props.
You're friends with Moby?
* All the pretty horses… *
Jeff! Oh!
I haven't been dipped like that since my last divorce.
I can feel my ego taking over. Britta, you were right.
Do something! Okay, listen to me.
You are not that big of a deal. Do you understand?
When you do too many pushups, You have bad posture.
it looks like you have boobs.
The tile in your bathroom is tacky.
You were emotionally closed off in bed
to the point where once I didn't come up
because I couldn't find close enough parking.
an unusually high butt crack. You have
Thank you.
It couldn't have been easy to lie like that.
We are getting you out of here.
Get back to your quadrant. Now!
Oh… Britta!
You were the highlight of the evening.
If it were up to me, you'd win every single award.
There's awards?
Ladies and non-gentilemen,
welcome to Howie Schwartz's Star Mitzvah Awards.
Here to present the first award
are Fake Morgan Freeman and Fake Bono.
algebra can be tough. You know, Fake Bono,
Fake Morgan Freeman. It sure can,
it's so important And that's why
to reward those to whom it comes so easily.
best math student is… The winner for
Howie Schwartz.
Wow, these things are heavy.
The award for cleanest room
goes to Howie Schwartz.
Coolest skateboard tricks, Howie Schwartz!
Best Halo score, Howie Schwartz!
for most handsome young man. You're gonna win the award
Nah. Oh, give me a break. It's his bar mitzvah.
that we should go. Jeff, I think
for most handsome young man! There's an award
It is my honor and privilege Hello, everyone.
to present the final award. as Fake Oprah Winfrey
Most handsome young man.
Aw…
And the winner is…
Howie Schwartz!
No!
Look at me! Look at me!
No, Jeffrey! Jeffrey… Oh!
Oh, God, no!
What the hell? You wanted it!
You all want it!
Ow!
I love you, Dad! I knew you'd invite the Hulk!
You're lucky.
And your friend's debt is paid.
Hey, Jimmy, wait up.
Boogie Nights.
You're Fat Burt Reynolds, right?
I'll take it.
Abed, your leg!
What'd they do? Tell me who they looked like!
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Your femur bone. He needs money. He's broke.
Ha, ha, ha. Hey.
Laughter's the best medicine.
What are you doing?
I'm challenging your medical establishment.
Not you.
So we just spent our whole night paying off your debt,
and you're blowing money on a Patch Adams?
We're doing Popeye next. It's two for one.
Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga. Get him some spinach.
I'm Olive Oyl.
Get out!
Are you mad at me?
Cool. No.
Gonna go in the Dreamatorium and play Inspector Spacetime.
Have fun.
Yeah? Abed.
Come here.
You said you weren't. I am mad at you.
We never lie. I know.
We made a deal. Friends don't lie to each other.
I know! I lied.
who tell you what to do, You don't like people
and I don't want to.
Then don't be. I have to be.
Stop renting impersonators.
Vinnie was gonna break both of your legs.
I had to work hard to help you.
That's what you wanted to do. Yes.
what I want to do? But I can't do
Not all the time. I guess not.
to trust I know better. Sometimes you have
Then you're gonna have to trust I don't know if I can.
that you're gonna have to trust me.
Well, I don't want to stop being your friend, so…
I guess I'll let you tell me what to do sometimes.
Still best friends?
Yeah.
Still best friends. Always.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
to the Dreamatorium? Still gonna go
by myself, if that's okay. I think I'm gonna play
Cool. Okay.
Cool.
you're the greatest! Seacrest Hulk,
Whoo! You rock, Seacrest Hulk!
I love you, Seacrest Hulk!
You know, Seacrest Hulk, you're a meshugeneh.
You okay?
No. I ruined a bar mitzvah.
I'm a bad person.
What you're feeling is called shame.
you're getting better. It means
once those pills wear off. You'll be safe again
Um, I was thinking…
you study for your psych class? You know that person that
Maybe that should be me.
Uh-uh. No way.
You are way out of my league diagnostically speaking.
less complicated. Like Abed. I'm gonna go with someone
Hi, Abed.
Where's Troy? Hi.
That's okay. In the other room.
traveling by yourself. There are advantages
You can drive faster, change direction.
And the only pee breaks are yours.
Are you real? Are you?
This is really crazy.
and maybe too dark. And inaccessible,
Maybe to them, but not to us.
Cool, cool, cool. Cool.
Hot, hot, hot. Hot.
Gentlemen, who's ready to Chang the world?
Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang!
Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang!
All hail Chang!