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Ham, girl!
You don't know his name, but you know what he says
and you love how he says it.
Ham, girl!
So, who is the man who started it all?
Ben Chang, and we have him here with us today.
You are the "ham, girl!" guy.
Yes, I am the "ham, girl" guy.
How did this happen?
Well, I just kept auditioning, you know, kept working hard.
And now, Spielberg is calling.
Not...
You know, I don't go by phone calls. I go by contracts.
But Spielberg is interested in you
for The Color Blue in the new Play-Doh movie.
Is that right? Well, maybe, you know, maybe,
but like I always say, you know,
life is a roller coaster.
You were a teacher at a community college in Colorado.
Did you just, one day in class, say,
"Class dismissed. I'm headed to Hollywood"?
I mean, how did your students react to that?
Well, you know, I haven't spoken to them really.
I... there's not much for me back there.
No friends?
Uh, you know, I was kind of a loner.
People, you know, made fun of me for it,
but, you know, I just kept my head down
and stayed focused on my work.
Well, they're not making fun of you now, are they?
No, they are not.
Can I get a "ham, girl"?
Ham, girl!
You know, I don't know if that was a good one.
And there it is, ladies and gentlemen.
From community college to something a little bit better.
Turn it off. Ben Chang is on a rocketship
to eternal validation.
Turn it off.
Thanks so much for...
Well, it's been three weeks. I'm having his car towed.
♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream
♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam
♪ Somebody said it can be here
♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay
♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪
Here you go.
To Chang. May your success be brief
and your colds last months.
Jeff.
Hey, you get out of Greendale
or you get me in your corner. You don't get both.
Ham, girl. Mmm.
Who would've predicted Chang becoming famous?
Technically, I did, remember?
- Only I thought it would be for... - Eating someone.
Yeah.
You think that Spielberg stuff is really happening?
How could that happen?
That would mean the world was insane.
Ham, girl.
Not to be crass, but there is an upside to this,
financially.
Chang's absence lowers our insurance premiums 6%.
There's nothing but upsides to him leaving.
I think we all just feel a little short-changed.
We invested so much in him when no one else would.
Because we all assumed he was so insane
he would die if we kicked him out.
And this whole time, it turns out
we were holding him back. We thought he was bedrock,
but it turns out he was the ceiling
of a cavern filled with us.
I've already forgotten his name.
Did you ever really know his name?
The Chinese fellow, right?
Whose name was some kind of noise?
Um, Clang? Blang? Meringue?
Looks like I'm the only one that's not glad he's gone.
At least I can finally clear some space on my hard drive.
Oh, Leonard's been in there for a while,
but I can stand guard if you want to use the women's room.
No, I mean, I was shooting a movie with Chang
before he booked "ham, girl." Oh.
I haven't heard from since, so I assume the footage is useless.
Did he sign a release form? Sure.
I make all my actors sign releases before we do anything.
You never know who is going to...
The school owns a movie starring the "ham, girl" guy.
Soon to be Spielberg's "ham, girl" guy.
There's no way to finish it though.
Okay, Abed, what have I told you about quitting?
That it's sometimes the only way to survive.
Well...
Don't forget I said "sometimes."
Yolanda, the mayor's up my ass.
I want justice. Get him in here!
Is that right? Should I be angry?
The film's hero is Police Justice.
I had a real-life former cop help me with the dialog.
I'm gonna punch you in the heart!
Real-life former cops aren't great with dialog.
I don't think police should be heroes.
Britta, pay your rent.
Sorry, Abed. Okay, I need more information.
You know, what's my motivation?
Am I married? I need more to go on.
- Can we get lunch? - Okay, cut.
That's about all we got. Chang found out the McRib was back
and we lost the rest of the day.
Great actor, huge McRib problem.
Everybody,
this is my friend I told you about, Maury.
He's a genuine Hollywood film producer
whose doctor ordered him to live in Colorado
due to a medical condition. Tell them what you told me.
Yeah, my blood nitrogen levels are through the roof.
Most of the time, I ca... Oh, no, no, the other thing.
Oh, right.
If you can cut together an 81 minute movie
that arguably stars the "ham, girl" guy,
I can guarantee distribution and a fast turnaround deal.
People do it all the time with old footage
from recently famous actors.
Have you seen Vin Diesel in 1996's Happy Pants?
No. Yeah, I have.
Well, neither has Vin Diesel,
but his roommate from film school saw 500 grand.
But I can't just burn up my cop drama.
It's my only chance at the mainstream success I need
before I'm allowed to make weird stuff for money.
It's my American Graffiti, my Alpha Man,
my Four Rooms, the Robert Rodriguez segment.
Well, why does it have to be a police movie?
People don't even like police now.
They like dinosaurs, they like aliens,
and anything else that Chris Pratt can join forces with.
I have three minutes of footage, and he's clearly
a police chief behind a desk in New York.
Is he? Or is it Space York?
Or is it a dinosaur desk?
How do I know? Just add some CG.
That's what they do with Chris Pratt.
They put him in a regular scene and then they add some gagoos.
I have a few CG models of some gagoos.
I got fired from a mouthwash commercial,
but I successfully won back the rights
to my gingivitis monster.
Also, I don't know if it helps, but when I moved into my RV,
I found this.
Now, you notice anything strange?
There's no green 3 in billiards.
Now, there's a green 6 and a green 14,
but never a green 3.
So, what sport is this from? And why was it in my RV?
Anyway, I can do some CG for the movie.
You'll need a Chris Pratt type.
I'll do it if I have to. I can slouch.
I can't believe you guys are the ones pitching me this
and I can't believe I'm saying no.
You're not saying no.
I mean, legally I can't force you,
but I can do a morning announcement
that'll make everyone hate you forever.
Technically, Abed, you would be robbing the school
for $1/2 million by not making this movie.
But what movie?
Have you not been listening?
The movie about the "ham, girl" guy
in his space office fighting some gagoos
led by a Chris Pratt type
played by Jeffery without his shirt.
It shoots this weekend.
Yeah.
Okay, but I get final cut and it has to be a good movie.
Agreed, but you have to finish that cut by Monday,
even if it's bad. I agree to that,
but it has to be good by my standards.
Absolutely, and also, if it's terrible,
nobody will notice or care.
And you guys are all gonna help me?
And we're gonna make a good movie?
Definitely, or a bad one. Probably a bad one.
I think we're all on the same page.
I guess so.
So, let's crap out this piece of crap.
That attitude concerns me.
I need more information.
What's my motivation?
I need more to go on.
My name is Chief-Starr!
And I'm in the stars!
And I'm the hero.
I deserve better.
You're a very gifted pilot, Chief Starr.
I'm the Mayor of Outer Space. Why are we changing course?
The Mayor's up my ass!
Father, I love him!
What in the space?
Yooba dooba dooba! We're under attack!
By whom, GlipGlop?
Okay, cut.
Why are we cutting?
Well, that felt good to me. Moving on?
Just a couple adjustments.
You get two.
You guys need to move when the ship gets hit.
It looks weird when you stand still,
and, Britta, it sounds weird when you use good grammar.
My character can't have good grammar?
Not in a space battle.
Because everything else we're saying sounds really natural,
like I'm a space senator. Space Mayor.
I'm matching your dialog to what I have from Chang.
What are my lines?
You don't have any lines. You're the backup Chang.
But we have Chang's footage.
This shot from that angle matches the back
of Chang's shot. Chang is Chief Starr.
He's the pilot of a spaceship.
Britta, you're Princess Meridian.
Brittana. Okay. Jeff is her father,
the Mayor of Space, and you guys are under attack.
Action.
What in the space?
Yooba dooba dooba! We're under attack!
Okay, cut. Where you guys seeing GlipGlop?
You said GlipGlop was a tennis ball.
But Garrett's not GlipGlop?
If I was GlipGlop, why would I be holding
a tennis ball on a stick?
Why am I wearing a blouse?
It's sci-fi. It doesn't matter.
Please don't say that. I know you don't mean that.
The tennis ball is GlipGlop
and please stumble in the same direction.
Go! Action! Bang!
What in space?
Gooba Gooba Gooba! We're under attack!
Who by? Who attack? Me princess.
The Sporborfians!
Okay.
I'm ready. Are you ready?
Are we rolling?
We're rolling-a!
Get to the escape pods.
For real? You picked that outfit?
Britta! I... It's Meridian. Keep going.
Insane. And what is your name,
Exploitia? Scorpio Nine.
I'm a pleasure droid.
No. I'm an assassin?
You're both. Keep going. She was a pleasure droid.
She got turned into an assassin. She's my other daughter.
That's your sister.
Get to the escape pods!
And then we go! This way.
Check on Chief Starr, Jeff.
Chief Starr? What?
I'll see you in hell.
What?
Mayor, your ass is grass!
Okay, cut.
There are some things that we could...
Okay, moving on, people!
Okay, moving on!
Next shot... Space station faculty lounge.
- Thank you. - Abed,
we need to move a little faster, I think.
Can I just explain something as a filmmaker?
I wish you wouldn't. I wish you would look
at what I was wearing and let that be
all the explanation you need
about where our standards should be.
But do you understand that sci-fi films aren't usually
improvised over a weekend
with a cast and crew that doesn't care?
We care about finishing,
and this has to be finished by Monday,
so you back into a level of quality from there.
Let me use a metaphor I can understand.
Every day, I work out.
Really? Yes,
because I'm not an artist like you,
but this is a kind of canvas.
I work on it with equipment,
but I will never really be done. Could be if you wanted.
I mean, you're fine... This will never be done.
Chris Pratt's never gonna stop, is he?
He'll always be out there mocking me.
So I can never stop, just like you'll never stop
making movies.
But I don't stay on one treadmill my entire life
staring at commercials for movies with Chris Pratt.
I take my work into the world.
I "premier" it.
I share with the public.
Don't stay in the gym, Abed.
Get this session done, get out there,
and get your shirt off. Got it?
Yes?
Yes.
I'm ready. Let's do this.
I understand you're looking for your friend.
Yeah. I'm Minotaur Man.
What? Friends are hard to come by
in space. You'd better take this...
For protection.
The sound you hear coming from that gun I gave you
is 40,000 hyper watts of laser.
Oh, don't... Don't worry about that.
I can put that back.
Sometimes my eye falls off because I'm a robot.
- Ahh! - Watch out!
Ahh!
How about this bar?
Everyone here is so accustomed to violence.
I need... I need to know...
Where your friends are? Yeah.
I'm sorry, but you're not gonna like this.
Your friends have been taken prisoner by Master...
Master... Dracula.
Wild West, baby, space version of the Wild West.
Cut.
Okay.
My eye fell off.
But I covered.
Perfect, moving on. Hallway!
Yes!
Ooh, take that!
A yooba dooba!
This is crazy.
Here, let me do this.
What are you doing?
You make everything harder for all women when you do that.
I'm improvising!
Improvise pockets!
Pay your rent or shut up!
Laser bomb!
Yooba dooba dooba! GlipGlop like!
Yooba dooba dooba.
So the robot also says "Yooba dooba"?
I'm not complaining. It's just that everyone
who's not a person is saying "Yooba dooba."
Maybe it's because I'm a spy!
He's a spy!
I'm an evil spy!
Shoot GlipGlop! He's a spy!
Ahh!
GlipGlop's a spy?
We went with it.
Okay. Shot. Shot.
Okay, now that... Now that's he's dead,
and there's one robot left, let's go through the thing!
Go.
Yooba dooba dooba. Yooba dooba dooba.
Whoa! Ahh!
Argh.
Space garbage.
Look!
Oh, we're gonna get crushed. Ahh!
And is there a monster?
Ahh.
But so what? We're gonna get crushed.
Uh... I love you?
I love you.
That's your daughter. You're my daughter.
Yeah, you said we were sisters, dumb-ass.
That's hot.
It's like "Chinatown" in space. Oh.
And I'm the hero?
Yay!
Let's do this.
Yeah! They're saved!
I feel the Force.
What?
I don't feel the Force. I'm not allowed to.
What do I feel?
I feel Dracula Force.
I feel Dracula signals.
Your ass is mine!
That last stunt you pulled put six of my best guys
in the hospital, maniac.
I'm more than a maniac.
I'm Dracula.
Jesus Chr... Jesus Christ!
Oh, my God! Jesus Christ, they shot him!
Who am I?
What's my motivation?
Why am I doing or saying anything I'm saying or doing?
I need more...
I need more than what I'm getting.
- Oh! It's incredible! - Oh.
It's incredible! Congratulations!
Oh, how long is it?
Uh, 87 minutes.
Get it to 8-1. That means 81.
I'll make some calls, we'll premier this thing,
and we'll get your school a check.
Whoa!
So, which six minutes should we cut?
Hoo. Uh...
Jeff's death scene probably, right?
- Oh. - Yeah.
Mine? Yeah, in the space dungeon? There's no Chang in that.
How long is Jeff's death scene?
Yeah, how long is it? We're really zeroing in on it.
Do you think I'm frightened?
These chains were forged from the iron of Ganymede.
I'm not gonna tell you where he is.
I'd rather die.
Mmm, seems pretty important, he doesn't give up Chang.
I mean, otherwise the last thing he says to him is, "I'll see you in hell."
Uh...
It's not really a movie about him.
Yeah. Well, what about your steel drum solo?
Oh. Oh, I don't think we should lose that.
Well, what about the weird wedding ritual
on GlipGlop's planet, huh?
Um, okay,
let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater.
We're not cutting a frame of GlipGlop.
I mean, that's like cutting cowboy out of "Midnight Cowboy."
Jeff's death scene is 6 minutes, 30 seconds.
Oh, perfect. There you go. That's it.
Okay, cool. Easy enough.
Um, should we, before we finish editing,
should we get those hornets out of the garbage?
The swarming hornets?
Oh!
Is that serious? Is he doing a bit?
That's a long bit.
Oh, he's serious.
I mean, let's face it.
It's pretty obvious when he's acting.
Oh...
Let's do this.
Yo, yo, yo. Howdy.
Welcome to Kyle Beiderman's editing tutorials.
I'm Kyle Beiderman. Yeah, that Kyle Beiderman.
Leave me alone, Abed.
Once I watch this tutorial on how editing works,
I'm gonna save this movie without removing its soul.
Step one, how to correctly label your files.
No, no, who cares about labeling files?
Teach me to edit.
What the hell was that?
You stay away. This is my movie too!
It's not even a movie, Jeff. It's a piece of crap.
That doesn't mean it can't be good.
It's basically exactly what it means.
You stay away, Abed. I'm not kidding.
I'm huge and I have zero blood sugar.
I will kill you in these Frisbees
and nobody will ever find you!
Okay, so now let's get familiar with the user interface.
No! Just teach me to edit!
Bazinga!
Ahh!
Ahh! I'm going to kill you!
You're killing me! I told you!
No, I mean you're literally killing me.
For real? Yes.
Are you nuts? What is wrong with you?
Every single one of you is gonna leave here except for me.
Troy, Shirley, Annie's gonna be president.
Even Pierce got to die.
If Chang goes to Hollywood,
so we force you to make the crappiest movie of all time,
and then we force you to make it even crappier
and we watch it and it's still not even that bad.
And the part I accidentally got the most excited about
is the seven minutes we can cut.
Do you know what that means?
It means I'm a genius, but we already knew that.
I finally know in my heart
that I will literally be the last one of us here.
And I know they gave digital muscles to Chris Pratt
in Guardians of The Galaxy.
I watched Parks and Rec. I watched it.
Hmm. There's no scientific explanation for how...
Jeff.
You helped me learn something about filmmaking today
that I think we all need to apply to life.
It's okay to plan some stuff and it's okay
to figure out what we did wrong,
but our plans are randomly gonna fall apart
and our lessons are randomly gonna be wrong,
and if we just keep the cameras rolling and shoot a lot of crap,
eventually, Annie is going to reach down her shirt
and pull out a laser bomb.
I didn't write that.
We didn't plan that.
God made that happen.
God made this movie.
And it's dumb.
And we're dumb for being in it.
Life is a big, dumb, pointless movie with no story
and an abrupt ending where the hero gets shot by Dracula
in the middle of a lunch order during an outtake,
but somewhere in there, every once in a while...
Annie reaches down her shirt.
So we keep the cameras rolling.
And we edit out the parts we don't like,
and we stop thinking about Chris Pratt so much
because it is not healthy.
Will you do me a favor?
I never tell anybody about our private conversations.
I wouldn't really know how.
Let's cut my stupid scene out of this piece of crap.
But then won't we need to add 30 seconds?
I have an idea about that.
Who am I?
What's my motivation?
Why am I doing or saying anything I'm saying or doing?
I need more...
I need more than what I'm getting.
Hello, Chief Starr.
I told you I'd see you in hell.
And look who else is here.
Yooba dooba dooba!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, great job, you guys, on the new ending.
I like that the guy actually saw him in hell.
Right?
Whoa, whoa. Hold on, phone call,
from the distributor.
Get ready for a big check.
Yellow?
Wait. Calm down.
What's Chapter 11?
Wait, what's YouTube?
Wait, what's broadband?
What's digital?
I don't have a good feeling about that call.
I don't have a good feeling about Chang staying bankable.
Did you guys see this new story?
I'll never look at a hot air balloon
in the same way again or James Franco's ball.
I'll tell you what I do have a good feeling about.
- Bring it in. - Aww.
Come here, guys. Aww.
- Do to thing. - Dooba. Dooba. Dooba.
Dooba. Dooba. Dooba.
All right, one more for safety, Ben.
What do you mean, "One more for safety"?
I just don't know if we got the line, "Hold on, Slinky."
Let's move on.
I think, can we get one more?
You got it. Come on.
Hold on, Slinky! Let's go.
I think it was fine, but Steven's kind of a stickler.
Tell Steven Spielberg to lick my butt.
Well, he's right here, so...
Hey, Steven... Spielberg.
Can you give us a sec?
Yes.
Ben? Yup?
So, I guess we're good for today.
Great job. You were right.
We got everything we need,
and there's a small door in the back.
Back of the booth there, that will take you,
you know, outside, and we'll talk soon.
I don't go the way I came?
You do not.
There's a little door back there.
And it goes right on out. Thank you so much.
Okay.
Okay, Randall, are you ready? Yup.
Which brings us to the issue
of our cosmetology department,
who, once again, find themselves...
Who, once again,
find themselves nearing the end of the semester
without any free haircut volunteers.
That may be due to last semester's lice scare.
Totally. Yep.
Maybe if we put up a sign, "Guaranteed: No lice."
Something like that.
That would open you up to lawsuits.
Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls
have to be guarded by men with hair clippers.
Pink Floyd. Ugh.
You're the worst.
What? Oh, she is the worst.
Terrible. ELROY: I can't believe she said that.
Have you seen any movies? Any one movie?
- Unrelated thought. - We're all enjoying...
Britta's the worst!