(DOCTOR WHO THEME)
I still say this is no work for women.
I wouldn't have missed this for anything.
Anyway, I'm the only one who knows what the Doctor looks like.
Come on. This way.
Ah, now, these are more to my taste than your iron man, Linx.
I will still perfect a fighting robot for your army, Irongron.
We'll take these weapons to the men, Bloodaxe,
and I shall instruct them in their use.
Tomorrow morning, at dawn, we march on Sir Edward's castle.
Yes, Captain.
By sunset he'll be feeding the crows.
Ah! Good evening!
Get after him! Call the guards!
(SHOUTING)
- Look, they try to kill their wizard. - Quick, we need him alive!
(YELLING)
He who strikes Irongron dies!
Doctor! Up here!
Thank you very much, Miss Smith. A most timely rescue.
This isn't a rescue, Doctor, it's a capture.
Let's get him out of here.
That fellow has the gall of a camel and the cunning of a fox!
You shall have your revenge, Captain. He'll be with Sir Edward now.
And not even a rat will come out of that castle alive tomorrow.
By the stars, Bloodaxe, I swear I'll chop him up so fine
not even a sparrow will fill its beak at one peck!
One of my workers has disappeared.
Order a search of your castle.
If you've lost one of your dumb, whey-faced ninnies, Linx,
then look for him yourself.
- My men are at rest. - We march on Sir Edward within the hour.
I insist upon a search, Irongron. The Doctor is of great value to me.
And while he is at large, he could be dangerous.
The Doctor?
Bother me now, little toad, and you will feel an axe in your skull!
Master, I heard someone call "Doctor" while we were at that fellow's heels.
Is this Doctor a long shank rascal with a mighty nose?
That is how he would appear in human eyes.
Then he is no longer here.
Sir Edward sent raiders to my castle, captured him.
He has escaped!
- Tell Sir Edward we're back. - Yes.
- Now... - You've been getting around, Sarah.
Are you on visiting terms with all the local nobility?
Doctor, let's get a few things straight, shall we?
Oh, dear. I'm afraid you're going to be awfully confused
if you ask me to explain about the Tardis.
- The Tardis? - Yes, my police box.
You were a stowaway, I imagine.
Yes, but we'll come to that later.
- Now then, why are you helping Irongron? - My dear girl, I'm not helping him.
Linx is. I'm trying to stop him.
SARAH: Linx?
Yes, perhaps you're lucky enough not to have met him yet.
Nasty, brutish and short just about sums him up.
There was a strange-looking knight with Irongron.
Yes, he'd have looked even stranger if he hadn't been wearing space armour.
He comes from a planet
where the surface gravity is many times that of Earth.
- A man from the stars? - Mmm-hmm.
- How do I know you're telling the truth? - Because I never lie.
Well, hardly ever.
You ever heard of UNIT?
You work for UNIT?
In an advisory capacity, yes.
They asked me to look into this question of the missing scientists for them.
But I thought you were responsible for that.
My dear girl, I don't go round kidnapping scientists!
No, Linx brought them here to staff his workshop.
Now I've got to find a way of sending them back to their own time.
- This is the magician? - Yes. This is the Doctor.
You have done well, Sarah.
How do you do? It is a pleasure and a privilege
to be in the company of civilised people at last.
A courtly rogue.
Is he willing to change his allegiance
and serve Sir Edward instead of Irongron?
Well, he says he wasn't serving Irongron.
And there is another stranger at the castle, someone called Linx.
Yes, he's your enemy, I assure you, not me.
We'd be well advised to join forces against him.
- Does he speak truth? - I'm not sure.
I suppose I could have been wrong.
That's a generous admission.
Especially coming from one of the fair sex.
Or he could just be changing sides to save his own skin.
These wizards and warlocks were ever a treacherous breed.
We'd best be wary of him.
I shall spare your life
if you cast your spells and incantations to help me against Irongron, Doctor.
Refuse and you die.
You offer a somewhat restricted choice, Sir Edward.
EDWARD: What is your answer?
My services are at your disposal, sir.
- Such as they are. - Good.
Serve me straight, Doctor, and I shall reward you well.
Oh, master... Oh, but, master, Irongron marches here before noon!
We heard this said from his own mouth.
Then we are lost. We cannot stand against them.
- On the contrary, sir, I think we can. - But how? With a handful of men?
Yes, sir, with just a few men I think I can persuade Irongron
that we have a full garrison.
By the use of your magic?
By creating an illusion, anyway.
Your magic will have to be powerful indeed to discourage Irongron.
It will be, sir.
- The men are ready, Captain. - Good.
Though for such an easy conquest as this,
'tis scarce worth strapping on armour!
You and I alone, good Bloodaxe, could take that castle!
Indeed we could, Captain.
With Sir Edward's treasure I shall hire more men,
and with Linx's weapons to arm them, who shall stand against us?
When does the fighting start, Irongron?
In the time it takes to ride from here to Sir Edward's castle.
- Then I shall come with you. - What, you?
Ha! Bloodaxe, on my oath, can you see that on a scaling ladder?
I have an interest in seeing the battle.
Those eyes have a thirst for blood.
Well, find our bold warrior a horse, Bloodaxe.
Come, then!
- Here's a few more for you, Doctor. - Thank you, Sarah.
Lady Eleanor's got every serving wench in the castle sewing away like mad.
I told you there'd be plenty of work for everybody, didn't I?
Oh. Typically masculine arrangement, though.
We do all the dirty work, you get all the fun.
You don't think mixing this singularly noxious compound is fun, do you?
- How's the rest of it going? - Not bad.
I put Sir Edward in charge of painting the dummies' faces.
He's turned out to be quite an artist.
- Once I'd set him on the right lines. - Excellent.
- I'm glad I decided to let you stay. - You decided?
You know, I was never much of a hand with a paint brush myself.
- No? - No.
Nor a palette knife for that matter.
I'd like to study under one of the masters one day.
Rembrandt, preferably.
- Rembrandt! - Mmm-hmm.
Can you... Can you just go anywhere you like in that Tardis?
Yes, within reason.
Then why are you staying here? Why don't you go somewhere safer?
Because, my dear Sarah, I've got a job to do.
One that involves the whole future of your species.
Here, hold this will you?
- My species? - Mmm-hmm.
You're talking as if you weren't human.
Well, the definition of the word "humanity"
was always rather a complex question, wasn't it?
You know perfectly well what I mean. Are you or aren't you?
If you mean am I a native of the planet Terra,
the answer is no, I'm not.
- Well, what are you, then? - Me? I'm a Time Lord.
- A Time Lord? - Yes, that's right.
And my people are very keen to stamp out unlicensed time travel.
You can look upon them as galactic ticket inspectors if you like.
- Galactic ticket inspectors? - Mmm-hmm.
I could murder a cup of tea. You're serious, aren't you?
About what I do, yes. Not necessarily the way I do it.
- For example, you know what this is? - I've no idea.
This is my own special smoking mixture,
consisting of saltpetre, sulphur and fat.
With a few little extras thrown in.
(TRUMPET SOUNDING)
Ah! That is Irongron. Battle is about to commence!
We've been tricked, Bloodaxe. That dog of a prisoner swore
that Edward had but a few old men to guard his castle!
My Lord of Salisbury must have sent him help.
The messenger to Lord Salisbury died in our dungeons.
These cannot be Salisbury's men.
Why do you wait?
What will be your first method of attack?
We don't attack. We return to my castle.
You fear to fight?
The greater the odds, the greater the glory.
I fear nothing, toad face!
But there is little profit in butchered for naught.
Sir Edward holds his walls with too strong a force.
Then use your rifles, shoot them from the walls.
- Rifles? - The weapons that I made for you.
- Ah! - They're at the range.
On my oath, Linx, when I am king, you shall be my champion!
That's made them stop and think, anyway.
I thought Linx would have to come along.
Sontarans just can't resist getting involved in war.
This must be very minor league stuff to him, surely?
He's just like a little boy,
stirring up the red ants and the black ants.
It's just something to keep him amused, to stop him from getting bored.
They've got guns!
No man has fallen, Captain!
- Your weapons do not work, Linx! - You do not shoot them straight!
Watch.
- LINX: Those figures are dummies. - Bah, your weapons are useless!
They do not move nor fall. They are not living men.
IRONGRON: I smell that fox of a Doctor behind this.
Bring up the scaling ladders!
Here they come, Doctor!
(MEN YELLING)
Away! Away!
Come on, move it!
Well, I think we'd better get back inside before that smoke rises.
It's liable to hang around for quite some time.
What was that stuff, Doctor? Some kind of gas?
Gas?
Good heavens, what on earth do you take me for?
No, it was some sort of superior stink bomb
with a few bangs and flashes thrown in for good measure.
It's quite harmless, I assure you, but...
(SNIFFING)
(MEN COUGHING)
Bring me wine! Wine, I say!
To quench the dust from my throat and the stench from my nostrils.
More, wench, more!
Am I a sparrow to quench my thirst with a few scant drops?
Ooh, mice!
A few loud noises, a few bad smells and you scatter like sheep!
It was sorcery, master.
Black devil's work. You said so yourself.
This wizard, the Doctor, he's gone and joined Sir Edward,
and he threw all the fires and the stenches of hell itself at us!
With poltroons like these,
it were ill work to lay siege to a hen coop!
They do but need food and rest to recover their spirits, Captain.
We attack again tomorrow morning.
I will take Sir Edward's castle
or I will see every man of you perish in the attempt!
Chicken-hearted knaves!
Begone from my sight!
Did I not see you yourself leading their retreat, Captain?
Taunt me not, little toad face.
Or by the stars I'll see if the colour of your blood is red like mortal man's.
You Earth creatures give up too easily.
I doubt if you have the potential to make a truly military species.
And you, Linx, you claim to like war.
- I haven't seen you doing much this day. - I came only to observe.
I should have known better than to look for interest
in a struggle of primitives.
Threaten me once more and I will destroy you.
Why, you...
Primitives! Childish, squabbling primitives!
It is well I do not need to spend much more time among you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
EDWARD: More wine, Doctor?
No, thank you, no. Oh, well, just perhaps a little.
Those knaves of Irongron's, they ran like rabbits!
Finest sight that ever I saw, Doctor. And all thanks to you and your wizardry.
Well, we all played our part, Sir Edward.
Now your magic works for us, our troubles are over.
No, not quite, I'm afraid.
The Doctor thinks Irongron's bound to attack again.
And you shall affright the knaves with more of your sorceries.
It won't work indefinitely, I fear.
This time we had the element of surprise.
They won't be frightened off quite so easily again.
Then we've gained a respite. No more.
Actually, the Doctor does have another idea.
Then let us hear your counsel, Doctor. So far you have served us well.
Well, there's one sure way to prevent Irongron from capturing your castle.
And that is?
You must capture his.
(SCOFFS)
You advise the impossible, Doctor. They outnumber us so greatly.
My lady, are you familiar with these herbs and simples?
Ragwort, henbane, love-in-a-mist, fennel, sesame.
Most we have dried in the kitchens. The rest grow in the woods nearby.
Excellent. I want to brew up a little draught.
You mean to mix a magic potion to slay the dog?
No, not quite. Just something to calm him down a little.
I should have slain the filthy little toad there and then.
I should have carved him up into callops on the spot.
Aye, master, it puzzles me as to why you did not.
Aye, well 'tis a matter of high policy, do you see?
Above your understanding, hmm?
As yet, we still need Linx's aid.
Weapons he has promised me and by the stars, weapons I shall have.
Wonderful, magical weapons,
that will crumble the castles of those that oppose me into dust.
And then, and only then, shall Linx die by my hand!
Oh, 'tis a cunning plan, Captain.
Aye, 'tis as well for you dolts that you have me to guide you.
(CHUCKLES)
There's more to war than hard strokes, my good Bloodaxe.
Aye, master.
Yours is indeed a towering intelligence.
Hold, Friar. What business have you here?
We come to beg alms of the good Captain Irongron.
The fame of his charity is spread far and wide.
You will find Captain Irongron in the great hall.
He is indeed a kindly and charitable man
and his temper is most sweet and pleasant.
Pass, Friar.
Heaven will reward you, my son. Come, brother.
(CHUCKLES)
'Tis to be hoped the two friars are fleet of foot,
or the church will have two new martyrs ere long.
(DOOR RATTLING)
Right, let's take a look at Linx's workshop.
What's that?
That's a Sontaran spaceship, to be precise,
and tremendously powerful for its size, just like its owner.
Here, give me your habit.
- What's wrong with him? - Deep hypnosis.
Ah, there you are, Doctor! Back again, eh?
- SARAH: Professor Rubeish! - What?
Oh, it's you!
Doctor, I knew this girl was involved. We should have reported her as I wanted.
Yes, well, I'm very glad we didn't.
In a few hours, that ship's going to be ready for takeoff.
Yes, he's been working these people at a killing pace. Come over here.
Look.
No sleep. Practically no food. They're starting to collapse like flies.
I'm not surprised. He's suffering from near starvation.
We'll have to get them some food, Doctor, or at least a drink.
- There's no time for that. - They'll die if we don't.
Sarah, listen to me.
Linx's spaceship is just about ready for takeoff.
And when that happens, there's going to be the most tremendous explosion.
Everybody in this castle will die.
These are the weapons I have promised you.
Also a good supply of the projectiles that they use.
Oh, my thanks, good toad face... Good Linx.
More weapons from the stars.
I shall complete the repairs of the improved fighting robot
if I have time before I leave.
If you wish to leave, then you would do well to obey me.
Do you threaten me?
I leave when I am ready, and that will be soon.
And will you carry your starship on your back, good toad?
You needed my knaves to bring it here, you will need them to take it hence.
Evidently you have no understanding
of the forces involved in interstellar travel.
I shall leave when I am ready.
It would be foolish of you to attempt to stop me.
Doctor, what are you doing?
- Trying to break this hypnosis. - It's very deep.
Narcoleptic condition, eh?
The brain can still receive signals, Professor. It might work.
Even if it does, can't see what you intend.
Don't you want to get back to the 20th century?
Steak and mushrooms, lobster, chocolate truffles, oh, dear me, yes.
If I can get these people to respond,
I can send them back to their own time with Linx's osmic projector.
Osmic projector?
Yes, it's over there on the table. Take a look.
Why can't you just send them as they are?
It's too risky with their minds in this state.
The transition might damage them permanently.
I've never heard so much gobbledegook in me life.
But I expect you know what you're talking about.
- Polka time! - BOTH: What?
It's the beat. Look, he's beginning to respond.
Hide!
Up!
Get back to work!
Work! What's wrong with you?
Get up or I will kill you!
- Leave him, Linx! - Ah!
How fortunate that you have returned, Doctor.
My failure to destroy you
was the one thing that marred the pleasure
of my approaching departure from this miserable planet.
Don't you want to know why I've returned?
It is of no interest to me.
I came here to offer you my help.
We're sworn enemies, Doctor. Why should you help me?
Because I want something from you.
If you will let me de-hypnotise people and send them home
and help me capture Irongron and his men,
then I will assist you in the repairs to your spaceship.
Now, the weapons that you've made for Irongron
you can leave here in the castle.
When it's empty, you can take off,
destroying castle and weapons at the same time.
All right, Commander Linx,
what do you say?
- You wish for my answer, Doctor? - I do.
Then here it is.