Before we tour our next property,
I'd like for us to make a brief stop. Is that all right?
Of course. Where are we gonna stop?
The Crone's Lair.
More scary places?
I need to return the bed they provided for you.
Return it?
Wait, don't tell me we have to go back to get it!
No, I've brought it with me.
Wait, how? It's huge!
It's in here.
It's an adventuring staple: a bag that can hold any item, regardless of size.
Isn't that just a Bag of Hol...
It's a satchel.
"My First Home"
They run their showroom out of this cave?
Yes, that's right.
These ladies have been in business here for just about a thousand years.
Welcome.
It's been too long, Dear Boy.
Finally ready to make us good, honest women, eh?
These are the Graiae Sisters, skillful craftswomen and frequent buyers.
You our Dear Boy's latest charge?
Yes. My name's Letty.
We usually turn away newcomers like you.
But we'll make an exception for our Dear Boy.
Take a good ol' look at our goodies here and learn a thing or two.
We got everything you could ever need.
Whether you're a tiny pixie...
Or a towerin' giant.
Look at the size of this door!
They have dragon-sized doors as well.
Huh? Where's the doorknob?
The knobs are sold separately, and for a reason.
By inserting a different magic knob, you can travel to different locations.
Wow, that's pretty neat!
Lemme give it a try.
How goes business? It's been rough for everyone.
If only we coulda made off with that dragon...
Should we put together a squad to capture it again?
Not a bad idea.
Nope, nothing to see there. Nothing to hear there, either.
Is everything all right?
A youngin' like you might like somethin' more like this.
Don't go oglin' it too hard though, aight?
Behold, the Gate of the Gallant Lady!
"BA-BUMP!"
The painting's alive!
That's incredible!
Simply tell her the magic word and the door will open for you.
It will?
You must do so within the time limit, however.
I'm afraid you are out of time. Now, for a reading.
Fail to do so, and she shall read one of your embarrassing poems out loud.
Why?
"My Flame of Love," by Letty.
"Our meeting was a fateful spark of destiny.
Now, my flame of love for you burns hotter every day.
Though it burns and scalds my hollow body,
my happiness knows no end,
because this burning pain is proof of my burning love for you."
Please, stop!
How am I supposed to come back from that...
Don't be a baby.
A single beam of light, shining from the heavens to balm my wounded soul!
Don't go into the light, Letty.
It's just a fixture, after all.
Yeah, figured.
Whoa, what's that?
Th-There's something in there!
Yes, a salamander.
But why?
They're serving a jail sentence for arson.
While they're servin' time, they work as magic lanterns, givin' off light.
You don't need to give 'em any fuel. Just watch your fingers around 'em.
If they get too ornery, just dump 'em in a bucket of water.
That'll set 'em straight.
Elderly wisdom at its finest.
We got some'a these; we got some'a those...
Letty, I see some furniture over there.
Wow! What a cute little fireplace!
If I had one of these, I could do this, or maybe even this...
Woulda thought he'd dream bigger.
What kinda dragon is this?
Shoulda been born a newt.
That dog's a bit too big, wouldn't you agree?
That fireplace's built from brick forged in the primeval flame.
It can withstand your fire breath, too, so it's real good for dragon folk.
There is one drawback, however.
It weighs a hundred tons!
Oh, jeez!
The average structure's floor would surely collapse under the weight of it.
Yeah...
However, if you built a house from the ground up,
you could plan for that weight and adjust the schematics accordingly.
Build a house?
Well, that ain't happenin'.
Why're you worryin' about the floor when you should be worryin' about cash?
You even got the money to build a whole house?
Oh, uh... We'll buy your wings off ya if you want.
Would you like to build one?
I have a prime location in mind for you,
and we can always discuss cost after our consultation.
Would you be up for it, then?
But what would we build?
Your very own house, Letty.
What?
"Land for Sale: Elf Housing Realty"
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
They're here. Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
What an incredible view!
Yes, it's what makes this location so wonderful.
Hold on, though, Dearia.
I'm really excited to build a house,
but I don't know if I have enough money.
Not to worry.
When you consider the cumulative worth of your organs and material drops,
you can afford whatever you like.
I won't be alive to live there!
Fear not, I'm only kidding.
How much money do you have on hand, if you don't mind my asking?
Hold on a sec, lemme get my wallet.
Ah, yes, dragons do prefer to keep valuables behind their inverted scales.
Yeah, it's great for holding little things!
That's why dragons get so mad when people try to touch them there.
Get your paws off me!
Plus, it's not like we could carry a bag around.
True.
My...
Is this a tooth?
Yeah, it's one of my baby teeth.
I heard a fairy will turn them into money if I put them under my pillow,
so I held onto them just in case! Here you go!
I hate to tell you this, but that is merely a fanciful story.
Noooo! Holding onto them won't turn them into money.
Guess that means I'm broke.
Not to worry. Dragon teeth do sell well.
Really?
Though adult teeth are worth more than baby teeth.
You needn't worry. The money problem will solve itself.
What do you mean?
You'll find out soon enough.
By now, I have a fair grasp on your tastes and desires.
I've taken the liberty of designing the interior and exterior for you.
Here we have the living space. The fireplace goes here.
The kitchen is in this section here.
I love it!
Excellent. Let us get right to constructing it, then.
Come, friends, gather 'round.
Wh-What's happening?
These are my employees. Here, we have gnomes.
They're quite skilled at construction.
Here, we have our ogres.
They will assist with the heavy lifting.
Oh, but first...
Would you like a traditional Shinto groundbreaking ceremony?
No, thank you, I'm not Shinto.
Then how about a nice human sacrifice?
No, thank you!
Do be careful to avoid injury on the job.
I hope this'll all work out...
Wow!
S-Sorry!
I gotta be careful.
Excellent work. Please place that over there.
Hey, Dearia.
Is there anything I can help with?
I probably can't do any heavy lifting,
or anything that needs a special skill...
Now that I think of it, I might not be able to help out at all.
Come, now. Enough self-deprecating talk.
You can assist with the fireproofing of the lumber, if you'd like.
On it! I can handle that!
I think I pissed them off!
Use less? Keep it more even? No?
My, Letty.
Whomever did you battle to end up like that?
I-I was completely outmatched.
Did you lose?
I got destroyed. They said my work was "garbage" and shooed me away.
What are you doing, Dearia?
I'm making quicklime mortar.
Whoa, what's that do?
It's essentially a very moist plaster.
Cool!
It's top-of-the-line, aged for ten years.
Would you like to help?
I'd love to!
Do I just need to mix it?
Yes. We'll be adding aggregate to it to make mortar for the outer walls.
Instead of gravel, we will use golem scurf.
Golem what?
It will make the walls extremely sturdy.
Sorry.
T'would seem we've created a new breed of dragon.
Here.
Th-Thank you.
Letty.
No need to rush.
We'll get this done, together.
Right!
It's done!
Thank you so much, everyone! You did a great job.
I can't thank you enough!
I finally own my dream home!
Now we wait for the Heroes to come.
What? Why?
How will we pay off the building costs without selling fallen Hero equipment?
That's what you meant by the problem "solving itself"?
No way!
There's no need to worry, Letty. I can't have Heroes coming here!
I've called forth a few brilliant fighters. I can't have Heroes coming here!
Th-They look scary!
You're...
I'm...?
You're so cool!
I am?
A real-life dragon!
I can't believe it!
Holy crap, dude!
These will be your live-in security guards.
They may seem a little off at first-glance, but they're fine people.
You're right! They're really nice!
Fifty percent of the spoils from Hero attacks will go to their salary,
while the other fifty percent will go towards the land and construction.
Don't worry, boss, you can count on us to keep you safe!
Sounds great!
Let's do this, dudes!
Yeah! Right, then, I'll come by every few days to check up on you.
Thank you so much for the trouble.
Do enjoy your new living arrangements, Letty.
I never dreamed I'd be living a cushy life in a wonderful house like this...
Excellent.
So this is our newest dungeon!
With me, friends!
For loot and glory!
These hallways sure are huge.
Let's be extra careful.
Worry not, mage.
It's not like we'll get TPK'd out of nowhere!
Except that literally just happened to us.
Stay close, comrades!
Huh? What's that noise?
"Beware: guards"
What are you guys doing?
Oh! Hey, Letty!
Don't worry, we got it handled!
But the wall...
We will not accept defeat at the hands of an agent of darkness!
Well you better, 'cause you ain't beating us! Wanna know why?
Our boss is a dragon!
Don't drag me into this!
You! I remember you!
The deadly dragon!
It wasn't me; I swear!
We'll let you off with just your gear this time!
Now get outta here before we burn you to a crisp!
"Equipment Lost"
You've not seen the last of us!
Mark my words, we will return to defeat you,
Flame Dragon Lord of Mass Destruction!
The Heroes gave him a long, cringey name.
Retreat, friends! We'll be back!
Nice going!
Those Heroes ain't no match for us!
Dragons are so fierce!
We're invincible!
My heart can't take this...
I'm not that kind of dragon!
Hey, boss! You got a visitor!
I wonder who'd wanna visit me.
Wait, where are they?
There on the chair, boss.
On the chair?
Lord... Lord...
Flame Dragon Lord!
There they are!
Flame Dragon Lord, we beseech you!
Let us shelter in the refuge of your almighty strength!
Our kind is weak and frail, and we fear for our very lives!
I mean, thanks, but I'm not really...
We've heard Heroes tell of your terrifying, fearsome power!
That's how they're putting it?
I mean, it's just two of you, right?
And I've got lots of rooms. Feel free to stay.
We're forever in your debt, milord!
Yo, boss.
It's not just those two.
What?
Flame Dragon Lord!
We heard you defeated those Heroes with a single fatal blow!
Please, help us!
We heard you burned down everything in a one-mile radius!
Your Excellency!
We heard you destroyed an entire kingdom in a single night!
You got a bunch of new underlings, too!
The Heroes are here! Get 'em, guys!
Whaddya want us to do with 'em?
Wanna kill 'em?
Please just let them go.
We caught ourselves a thief!
You don't have to come show me!
Your Excellency, to honor your kindness and show our appreciation,
we have composed an ode telling of your great deeds!
Oh, the Great Flame Dragon Lord!
Please, stop! Oh, the Great Flame Dragon Lord!
Please, stop! Great, glorious, and good!
Your Excellency! Great, glorious, and good!
Our house made the rankings for Top Ten Dungeons Great Heroes have to Raid!
All hail our beloved Flame Dragon Lord!
Congratulations, boss!
Three cheers for the Flame Dragon Lord!
Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!
"Please don't come looking for me. Letty"
Oh, dear.
Letty?
O-Oh, Dearia!
I stopped by to visit, but you weren't at home. Is everything all right?
I see. That must be overwhelming.
Yeah. I know everyone means well.
And I do wanna help everyone who doesn't have a home, too.
But every time they call me the Flame Dragon Lord,
I feel so much pressure on me...
That, and...
I really don't want my home to be everyone's favorite dungeon!
I just want somewhere I can live in peace and quiet.
Very well.
Let us find you a house with that purpose in mind.
Really? B-But...
I don't want to trouble you with all this again!
It's all right.
My other dragon friend also eventually found a home of his own.
It only took a hundred years.
And that's "all right" to you?
A hundred years is the twinkling of an eye to my long-lived kind.
Yes, we encountered our share of trouble along the way...
but those years we spent together were truly meaningful.
It is not your place to decide what troubles me, Letty.
Not once has your plight troubled me in the slightest.
So allow me to help you find a home.
I know we will find your perfect home someday.
I feel bad for leaving without saying anything.
Not to worry.
Huh?
Let's put your belongings into my satchel, yes?
I've already handled the situation.
I know I can trust you to hold the fort.
Please keep everyone safe. Till we meet again!
Boss!
They gladly bought the property from you.
You're making me sound way too cool!
Hold on a sec, Dearia.
Did you know this was gonna happen?
What? No. Of course not. I would never.
Why the heck didn't you tell me then?
I anticipated there may be a few issues along the way.
I certainly didn't predict trouble of this magnitude.
So you did think there'd be trouble!
The weak little dragon's journey seems set to continue.
"Elf Housing Realty"
Are you thinking of building your own home?
"Taxes on Newly Built Structures"
Then I'm sure you're wondering about taxes.
Structures are subject to a consumption tax,
"Building Fees + Tax"
Structures are subject to a consumption tax,
"Building Fees + Tax"
Only pay price for land!" but land is not.
This is because structures deteriorate, but land does not.
"Land For Sale"
Next time, "A Cold Home."