You the Dark Lord?
Allow me ta introduce myself!
I'm a black dragon from the Onyx Mountains. Th'name's Varney!
I'm pleased and humbled ta meetcha and hope you'll remember me down the line!
Excuse me?
"Excuse me," my dragon ass! I'm tryin' ta make your acquaintance!
You're supposed ta be all like "the pleasure is all mine" and shit!
I'd argue that's a bit much in this day and age.
"Property #9: A Home for a Black Dragon"
I went outta my way to be proper and polite for the Dark Lord 'n all.
"Polite Introductions for Dummiez"
You not him or something?
Seems like he has business with the Dark Lord.
But he also sounds like a heap of trouble,
so I'll just convince him to leave.
Let's take a looksie.
Yeah, that looks like you, all right!
You have the wrong man.
Take a close look at me. I'm nothing like that picture.
You sure?
Not like I can tell you two-leggies apart.
You humans and elves all look the same.
Why bother with a picture, then?
Well, whatever. The Dark Lord Agency guys sent me this way for a reason.
You gotta be him.
I need your help with somethin'.
I see. Let me introduce myself before we proceed.
My name is Dearia.
Sweet. Like I said before, the name's Varney.
As ya can tell, I'm a black dragon.
My perfect woman's got a long, sexy tail and sharp, pretty claws...
I don't recall asking you for your preference in women.
I've heard of you before, I believe.
Are you the Mighty Dark Dragon upon whom the Heroes have placed a bounty?
That's me!
I'm the dreadwyrm that builds mountains outta the corpses of Heroes!
Sometimes I'm burnin' the countryside, sometimes I'm lurkin' in labyrinths!
If I hear the Mighty Dark Dragon's been spotted somewhere, that's where I'm goin'!
That's the Mighty Dark Dragon's creed, ya dig?
You follow the rumors, not the other way around?
Well, duh. Would be a letdown if they're expectin' me to be around, yeah?
And you're concerned about that why?
What is it that you desire of me?
I need me...
some primo property!
Property?
I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid I'm the wrong man to ask.
I'd recommend visiting a real estate agent, a dwarven artisan,
or consulting with your local social services office...
The hell you just say?
I talk to you all humble-like, and you tell me to piss off like some newt?
You're the Demon Lord, for cryin' out loud!
Can'tcha wiggle your fingers and magic a house into existence?
Is this really how you ask someone to help you?
You don't like my attitude?
Your attitude isn't the problem.
Fine, try this on for size!
I want a house! Gimme, gimme! Gimme a house, c'mon! How'zis?
He's missing the point!
My, you've brought me yet another interesting acquaintance.
Master! Damn, she's huge!
You should provide him with your assistance.
Why me, Master?
He came all this way to ask for your help and your help alone.
If you are to be my apprentice,
then you should lend a helping hand to those who request it.
Hell yeah! And it'll be great experience for ya!
You stay out of this.
Very well, then.
Whoa, you in, then?
Dark Dragon.
Do treat him kindly.
There is so much he has yet to learn.
No problem, lady! I'll train 'im good and hard!
C'mon, let's get rollin'!
Save travels to you both.
So, why are we here?
Whaddya mean, why? We're lookin' for prime real estate!
If the Dark Lord can't conjure me up a house,
then we got no choice but to repossess one for me, yeah?
What a pain.
You could also earn money to pay for a custom-built house.
Eh, maybe next time.
More importantly, this is a Hero Guild fortress, is it not?
Yeah, just one of 'em.
Don't think anyone'd mind if I took it off their dumb little hands.
My, so you do have some understanding of the concept of "concern for others."
You cruisin' for a bruisin'?
If you'd planned on attacking a Hero Guild all along,
then why do you need me?
This should be quite easy for someone as renowned as you, the Mighty Dark Dragon.
I'll take my leave, then.
The hell're you doin'?
Thought your Master told ya to help me out. You just gonna disobey 'er?
"freeze"
Or does the Dark Lord not have the cojones to fight some itty-bitty heroes?
"Cojones...?"
Cojones? Yeesh, talk about a maroon.
"Maroon...?"
Maroon? Yeesh, talk about a maroon.
Fine, I'll go tell your Master you ain't helpin'.
Very well, I'll help you...
if you tell me the meanings of "cojones" and "maroon."
I know they are hardly compliments.
Damn, you're the type to hold grudges, ain'tcha?
We're commencing our attack head-on?
A surprise aerial attack would seem more prudent.
Don't be stupid.
When you're swingin' by for a visit,
it's good manners to knock!
Anybody home?
What the...
A dragon?
Not just any dragon!
The Mighty Dark Dragon himself!
I don't got any interest in barbecuin' cute girlies! Go on, get outta here!
That bein' said...
You boys aren't goin' anywhere!
Falter not, Heroes!
We need but fight as one!
When he's dead, his mats are ours to share!
Attack!
You ain't bad.
Why wouldn't I be?
We won't give up!
We're Heroes! The hope of the people! Those who right the world's wrongs!
We are the gods of the new world!
That's a bit of a stretch.
Then I'm gonna make the gods my bitch!
Don't stoop to their level.
Why the hell not? Fightin's not just about fists, it's about heart, too!
He's right! So right!
How am I the bad guy here? He's right! So right!
If this charade is that important, then by all means, continue.
Don't be such a stick in the mud, Dark Lord.
The Dark Lord?
Impossible!
I thought he was no more than legend! No one has seen him in centuries!
You got legends about you?
Apparently.
The Legendary Dark Lord or the Mighty Dark Dragon... Who sounds cooler?
Does that really matter?
It doesn't matter who or what you are!
We'll send you both into eternal slumber!
Hey, Dark Lord!
You havin' fun?
What part of this situation is fun?
It ain't about the situation!
It's about enjoyin' yourself!
Might as well have fun while you're workin', yeah?
If you say so.
No matter what happens to ya,
as long as you had the most fun, you're the real winner in the end!
I can't say I follow.
"Please take care of these fools"
I wanted those dragon mats...
That should be the last of them.
I'll send them all off to the church.
Damn, that was a boatload of fun!
Since this fortress is now your home, I'll be taking my leave...
Man, I wanna check out a property by the beach next!
A'ight, let's mosey, Dark Lord!
Did you hear a word I just said?
What do you mean, "next"? Is this not your new home?
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
House huntin' ain't no cakewalk.
How you gonna suss out a house if you ain't gone inside and looked around?
Like here, lookit this.
The door you smashed?
I can't be livin' in a house where a single knock breaks down the door!
If you knew that, why did we have to fight them?
A'ight, let's head out to see the next one.
Wait, how many properties do you plan on viewing?
The hell should I know? I'll be done when I find the one, ya dummy.
That was unnecessary.
I truly despise people like you.
Hey, perfect! I hate me some pretentious eggheads, too!
You big, arrogant lizard!
And so, my hundred-year house hunt with the black dragon began.
The next morning, at a church...
Wh-What the... Damn you, Dark Lord...
The hell is this?
What's gotten into you? Must you be so loud?
Ah, a news bulletin?
I just found it on the main road!
"Multiple Hero Guilds Attacked."
"The Dark Lord Returns!"
"Has the Dark Lord Returned?"
Seems we're talk of the town.
They're all talkin' about you more than me!
What do you want me to do about it?
I'll just send 'em a letter sayin' I'm the one attackin' everyone!
I thought you wanted to find a home, not fame.
We've viewed a number of properties, but you've liked none of them.
This search has been a giant waste of time.
How'm I supposed to like 'em when the doors break or the floors cave in?
I have a suggestion.
Let us test a variety of building materials
to see which can withstand a dragon's occupancy.
Oh, now you're thinkin' smart?
I'm sorry, my specialization isn't in construction.
So how're we gonna test stuff?
I'll have you walk and jump upon various materials to measure their durability.
Let me ask a few acquaintances of mine to procure those materials for us.
No need for that, man.
We'll just make the Heroes "help"!
Then the next headlines'll all be about me, the Mighty Dark Dragon!
You're still upset about that?
You hear that rumor about the Dark Lord returning?
Our base might end up attacked, too.
We'll be fine. Unlike the other bases, this one was built by dwarven architects.
The fortress is impenetrable! Not even a dragon or a Dark Lord could...
A single sweep of your tail destroyed the outer walls.
Is this reinforced brick? No matter, it's not very durable.
I'd heard this was dwarven work, but from the quality of construction,
I'd fathom the budget for this fortress was quite low.
Who is this guy?
C'mon, Dark Lord, let's hit the next one!
Very well.
Thank you for your cooperation. Farewell.
Bye, nerds!
What?
Heard Hart Fortress got attacked.
By the Dark Lord and a black dragon, no less.
Strangely, all they did was break a hole in the wall, then fly away.
What are they plotting?
The roof!
Oh, that ain't cuttin' it. Build a stronger roof, fellas!
We may want to test if a heavier roof is more earthquake-resistant, too.
Mmkay, next!
Later, haters!
What the hell did you want from us?
Next, let's test for fire resistance.
It burns!
Not even marble can withstand your fire breath... Noted.
Ain't nothin' out there that can withstand my fire breath!
I would hope that you're wrong,
else finding you a home will be more difficult.
Thanks to the Heroes' kind help, we finally have our information.
It is nigh-impossible for a dragon to live in a home built for humans.
Yeah, figured that out early.
As did I.
I believe you'll need a large-scale property built for non-humans.
I don't wanna steal from a non-human, though. Goes against my moral code.
Right, then.
Your safest option would be to offer a large sum of money to dwarven builders.
They're responsible for most of the world's architectural wonders.
Budget permitting, I'm sure you could have them construct you a suitable home.
You bein' serious right now?
That's our gold. Damn dragon. We'll skin ya alive.
Dwarves hate dragons. That's our gold. Damn dragon. We'll skin ya alive.
I don't even got me a hoard,
but I still wouldn't mess with 'em unless I was lookin' to die.
Besides, dwarves are so goddamn greedy, y'know?
I do know they have a great fondness for precious metals.
Wait, you sayin' you've never met one before?
I've never even spoken to one.
Well, sheesh. S'like you just read the cover of a book and said you read it.
It's kinda like you don't really know anything.
That's absurd.
Eh, it's fine. Not like I have the money to hire dwarves, anywho.
Upsie daisy.
Hey, Dark Lord, was there always a Hero guild out this way?
That's a Hero flag, ain't it?
I couldn't say. It's certainly not on the map.
Perhaps it was built recently?
Well, then, let's go pay 'em a visit.
Why? We've finished our testing, have we not?
Test, schmest!
We're goin' anyway!
What?
Knock, knock, boys!
Heeeeeere's Varney!
A dragon? A dragon! Boom, baby! It's the Dark Dragon!
Why all this ruckus? Goodness, gracious...
I'm gonna wreck this joint! C'mon, lend me a hand!
But why? You certainly don't want to live here.
I saw some teeny-tiny non-humans hangin' around here.
Don't want 'em livin' under the threat of Heroes all the time.
So I'mma wreck it!
Wait just a moment.
You don't know if those non-humans live here or were only passing through.
Oh, shut it, elf boyo!
Quit your yappin' and make with the smashin'!
Can't believe you're this stupid!
C'mon, moron! Get to work, baldy!
An elf and a black dragon... you must be the Dark Lord!
All this time, I've held my tongue.
A homeless beggar like you, who forced himself into my care,
has no right to be so arrogant and insulting!
Oh, yeah? The only reason I have stayed with you is because I have no choice!
You wanna go, egghead?
Big words from some twerp who keeps bawling about his "maaaaster"!
If you think that poorly of me, then use your tiny brain to find your own home!
You selfish, wild beast!
I don't need help from some kid still suckin' at his momma's teat!
No idea what's going on,
I don't need help from some kid still suckin' at his momma's teat!
But if they're fighting each other, now's our chance!
Shut it! Silence!
You're just using non-humans as an excuse to stand out, aren't you?
So what if I am?
If the Heroes are payin' attention to me, they ain't hurtin' the small fry!
That's what we gotta do at the top of the food chain!
It's a matter of pride!
What about you, huh?
You ain't got nothin' you wanna protect! I haven't time for...
Ya can't come up with nothin' 'cause you don't know nothin'!
You need to take a better look...
at the world ya live in!
There is so much he has yet to learn.
I'd like to ask you a question to learn more about you.
What's this about, huh? You never ask about me.
You told me to take a better look at the world around me.
Well, shit. Finally see how awesome I am, then?
Sure, ask away. I'll tell ya about all my glorious deeds!
I'm not interested in those.
Why is it you want your own home?
Why? Well, how do I put it...
I want...
You want what?
I want a family.
I'm gettin' on in years, so it's about time I got me a wife.
Girl dragons won't give a guy the time of day if he don't have his own turf.
And even though I'm such a catch, I keep runnin' into this other problem.
"NO SOLICITORS"
Whenever I try ta settle down, the Heroes come knockin' at my door.
It's hard bein' so damn popular.
I'd say it's more due to the bounty on your head.
So you'd like a place you can bring women back to without worrying.
Couldja rephrase that?
You'd like a love nest for making babies.
Woof, never mind.
But why come to me?
There must be plenty of others willing to help, even without payment.
Well, if the Dark Dragon's gonna retire,
the only suitable successor's gotta be the Dark Lord, yeah?
Your line of logic, I swear...
What will you do from here on?
Well, duh. I'm gonna keep lookin'.
The world's a big ol' place.
There's gotta be a place out there for a dragon.
You gonna...
Yes, I'll come.
You were right. All I know of this world comes from the pages of a book.
That is precisely why...
I will see the world by assisting you with your house-hunting.
But only because it's convenient for me.
That's rich.
Perhaps I should pick up an architect's license along the way.
Not a bad idea.
The next day, the headlines read "Dark Dragon Serves as Dark Lord's Minion."
Varney was quite upset.
Letty?
Yes?
It's getting late. Let us continue this story another time.
Oh, good idea.
I wonder what Varney ended up with.
I bet his house is really cool.
I hope I find one, too.
"Elf Housing Realty"
Welcome.
I hope all of you are enjoying some rest and relaxation in your own lovely homes.
Next time, "Hunter Goes Dragon-Hunting."