Ain't much stays clean up here, Vaultie.
You'll see.
I don't think it's our job to help these people.
They're murderers.
So what do you propose we do?
We can do what they would've done to us.
Wow.
They killed my husband.
If your father were here, he'd...
he'd do the right thing.
You okay?
The whole "opening the vault door for Lucy" thing
didn't sit too well with the council, so...
I guess I'm not Gate-Keeper anymore.
I need the head.
It's the only way I can get my father back.
You can't treat people like this!
Yeah, why is that?
Because of the Golden Rule.
Wasteland's got its own golden rule.
Thou shalt get sidetracked by bullshit every goddamn time.
♪ Let's go sunning ♪
♪ It's so good for you ♪
♪ Let's go sunning ♪
♪ Neath the sky of blue ♪
♪ Greet the sun every morn ♪
♪ Feel as free and happy as the day you were born ♪
♪ Let's go native ♪
♪ Sun your cares away ♪
♪ Be creative ♪
♪ Learn to live and play ♪
♪ Pretty flowers need the sun ♪
♪ This applies to everyone ♪
♪ Life's worth living ♪
♪ When nature's giving ♪
- ♪ Happiness to everyone ♪ - Roger!
- My name is Roger! - ♪ So let's go sunning ♪♪
My name is Roger.
Roger.
Roger. My name is Roger.
My name is Roger.
My name's Roger.
My name is Roger.
Hey, Rog.
Hey. Hey.
Fancy seeing you out here.
You out for that bounty, too, huh?
Yep.
Oh, shit.
- How you feeling? - Oh...
You know... it's hard out here.
Dang smoothies can be so unkind.
I see you got a smoothie of your own.
You're turning.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
Maybe.
Hey, you-you don't happen to have any vials, do you?
Just one little puff and I'll be back on my feet.
You know I'm good for it.
I'm sorry, Roger. I'm all out.
That's okay. That's okay.
Though, um, you and your smooth-faced friend, you, um...
might want to clear out... before things get ugly.
I did okay.
Twenty-eight years since I first started showing.
Oh, hell.
Not as long as you, though.
You've outlasted us all.
How long since you first started wastelanding?
A long time.
That's a lot of vials.
Well, I've always been good
at making money, Roger.
Say...
...you remember how good food used to taste?
Yeah. BlamCo Mac & Cheese.
Ice cream and apple pie.
Hot damn.
Apple pie.
You know, my mom used to...
Wait...
Why'd you do that?
He was sick.
Stop. Stop, stop. Please, I...
No, I know it's hard up here, but you don't... you don't have...
you don't have to resort to... to...
What'd you say your name was?
Lucy MacLean.
MacLean?
Huh.
Well, Lucy MacLean,
it ain't all canned peaches and marmalade left up here, sweetheart.
Sometimes a fella's got to eat a fella.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
You know, my vault has endured hardship, too.
In the Great Plague of '77,
everyone had to quarantine, they couldn't work the farms together.
People starved.
My mother included.
My dad dropped to 128 pounds,
and he still refused to do anything like this.
What? What's so funny?
Well, there's what people say they did
and what they really did.
I'll bet your daddy was first in line at the cookout.
I bet he had a bib with a drawing of his neighbor's ass on there.
How do you live like this?
Why keep going?
Well, one good question deserves another.
Why the fuck am I doing all the work?
Now come on, Vaultie.
Ass jerky don't make itself.
♪ Hello, ladies, how are you? ♪
♪ Just fine, just fine ♪
- ♪ Hello, fellas, how are you? ♪ - ♪ Just fine ♪
♪ It's real fine weather when we all can get together ♪
♪ And we're all just fine, just fine ♪
♪ Are you glad that you are here...
- Morning, Woody. - Morning, Reg.
- Nice work on your posters. - Oh, thanks, Reg.
I've been admiring yours as well.
Any luck?
I asked him all sorts of questions.
Who he is, who he works for,
why his colleagues kidnapped Overseer MacLean.
What organizing principle, if any, they operate under.
Nothing, huh?
Two hundred years with no contact.
The terrible things this creature must have been through.
What's he doing?
Oh, no.
Sir? Please stop. You will injure yourself.
Fuck you!
We better tranq him again.
- For his own safety. - We'll try again tomorrow.
There you are.
Thought you might be up here.
Made pie if you'd like a piece.
I was there the first time that you tried rhubarb pie and ice cream.
You sure did like pie that day.
You came here to talk to me about what I said at the assembly.
And why do you think that is?
It upset people.
You don't like it when people get upset.
But you do?
You're not the only one that feels the absence of your father.
People here are hurting.
Disoriented.
And with your sister gone, you're the last standing MacLean.
Your voice carries more weight than you might realize.
I hid.
During the raid, I got in a storage space and I hid.
Does that make you angry?
Why does it matter?
Regular boys...
...can get angry and they'll just pee on the wall.
When clever boys like you are angry...
Hmm.
You're lucky not to have seen where that can lead.
Just tread lightly.
That's all I ask.
Mmm.
Now you're getting it.
How does that Golden Rule jibe with what's going through your head right now?
What are you?
Oh, I'm you, sweetie. You just give it a little time.
Where you think you going? You ain't going nowhere.
There you are, you little killer.
Aah!
Now, that right there is the closest thing we've had to an honest exchange so far.
♪ What to do now that she doesn't want me ♪
♪ That's what haunts me ♪
♪ What to do ♪
♪ What to do to keep from being lonely ♪
♪ Want her only ♪♪
- Hey. - Hey.
I thought I'd just stop by and see how you're doing.
- Not great, to be honest. - Mm.
First I lost Lucy, and then I lost my job as the Gate-Keeper.
- Right. - How are you handling the, uh...
...death of the father of your unborn baby?
Same.
I was actually just organizing some of Bert's things, and,
well, I thought maybe you might want some of them?
Oh.
This is all that's left of him.
He was a good man, Steph.
You think so?
Of course. I mean, what can you say?
Well...
He took great care of his shoes.
You know, it was one of the few things he truly loved.
Get him talking about shoe maintenance,
and...
he'd just carry on until everyone left the room.
I loved him so much.
And those monsters took him away from me.
Awful.
Hate those guys.
It would mean a lot to me if you took Bert's shoes.
Wow.
Thank you, Steph. I'll...
- I'll try to wear them. - Oh, good.
And this...
Oh, Bert.
Bert... Bert.
- Okay... - Oh, Bert.
Oh, Bert.
Bert.
Oh, no, no, no.
Could you just keep it on while we...?
Oh, yeah, of course, I'm sorry.
What was I thinking?
♪ Makes your daddy want to rock ♪
Oh, Bert.
- Yes, I am Bert. - Yeah.
Now, that is one wet lady.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
- Bert! - Oh! - ♪ It's the movement ♪
♪ That gives it the sock. ♪
Transaction.
Yes?
Two-month supply of vials.
Exchange one female. Mint condition.
Near mint condition.
Condition grading requires physical evaluation.
Please send her in.
What's in there?
You're about to find out.
You're selling me?
You got problems out here, too, sweetheart.
Best you try your luck behind that door.
Go on.
Welcome.
- What the fudge? - Fudge? There's no fudge here.
Only a General Atomics International Mark 4.
That's what I am. You seem to be a woman.
Please, sir, my name is Lucy MacLean.
My dad's been taken and I-I-I've been kidnapped.
He's right outside...
I say, you've lost a finger.
Ah, that won't do at all.
Let's get you taken care of. Follow me.
Okay.
Apologies for the mess.
Time flies by lately.
Especially since my temporal sensors went out in the Great War.
That must have been a week ago, at least.
Would you mind taking a seat on that gurney in front of you?
Now, what have we here?
Too fat, too withered.
Ah, this one'll do it.
Eh, you're lucky I don't have to use a thumb.
Our finger inventory's in a sorry state.
Now, if you give me your hand...
Okay, you're going to feel a slight pinch.
Thank you.
- I say. - I really do appreciate this.
But listen, a big fish ate my head, and I need my head to get back to my dad...
There now.
That's much better, isn't it?
- Thank you, that... - Not a problem.
That feels really, really nice.
Now, would you prefer a dressing of high-quality synthetic fibers,
classic cotton, or a comforting synthetic-cotton blend?
You have... real cotton?
Of course. Don't you?
Thank you.
You know, that... that creature that brought me here, he...
You seem unhappy.
- He did not treat me very courteously. - Really?
When I pointed out that he wasn't following the Golden Rule,
he put a leash around my neck and he made me drink from puddle water
that I'm pretty sure was just some kind of animal pee.
Well, that is interesting.
- And I thought I was here to be a sex slave. - What?!
No! What a disgusting idea.
I'm simply going to harvest your organs.
Huh?
Dessert tray incoming.
Hey, hey.
You gonna take that from her?
You gonna take that?
Hey, Norm.
Veronica.
Wait, they're getting Jell-O cake?
Those are my orders.
I wonder what your dad would say about this.
He'd be handing them the cake himself.
Yeah. He was a saint.
Do you want it?
Mm-hmm.
Nobody's gonna know.
Yeah.
I'm gonna put this in my fridge.
What are you looking at?
A murderer in a cage
paying the price for what you did to us.
For what you did to the innocent people in Vault 32.
I don't know what the people in Vault 32 were up to.
But it was anything but innocent.
31 and 32.
Norm. Hi.
Feel like getting out of the house?
Yes.
Maybe he was messing with me,
but one of the raiders told me there was something up in 32.
Uh-huh.
Well, this isn't exactly fun for me, Norm.
Then why'd you come?
To be honest, I don't know.
You don't think it's because you're still in love with my sister
and being around me reminds you of her?
Hmm.
This is so wrong.
Come on.
You have to see this.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
You see?
Whatever happened here happened a long time ago.
The last bio-signal detected was two years ago.
This rodent colony is called a mouse utopia.
Inside, the mice enjoy all the amenities...
all the food they can eat, all the padding they can sleep on...
but eventually overpopulation occurs.
The mice fight for the once bountiful food, the once endless space.
They eat each other in their desperation to survive.
So, if they were already dead when the raiders got here,
who killed them?
I mean, it looks like they strangled each other with their hands.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Lucy.
Lucy, sweetie,
what are you doing out here?
My name is Martha.
Martha. My name is Martha.
Martha. My name is Martha. Martha.
My name is Martha.
Martha.
Pardon the interruption.
Our latest arrival has arrived.
Oh, shit.
What are they asking, Snip Snip?
Sixty vials.
We can do 60.
- Fantastic. - Oh, do her now
so she's ready for the next pickup.
Excellent idea as always, sir.
Thanks, Snip Snip.
Do excuse me.
Nice robot.
Where are you from again?
Never been there myself. Hope to go there someday soon.
Here we are. Let's get on with it, shall we?
We don't want to keep your associate waiting.
Sir, you can't do this.
Please, I need my organs.
Now, don't be afraid.
A little snip-snip and it will all be over.
Hold still now.
This won't hurt a bit.
Excuse me.
There's no fudge here.
I am ever-ready to serve...
to serve... to serve.
Hands up.
Do as I say, and Snip Snip doesn't get hurt.
Calling all cars.
It's a fucking robot.
Yeah, you might as well be holding an air conditioner hostage.
Well, an air conditioner sounds nice, though.
Yeah, an air conditioner would be a big deal.
But you know what I mean.
Totally. The question was,
does she know what you mean?
Yeah. I think I do.
That's why I put Abraxo Draining Fluid in his syringes.
Snip Snip, tell them what Abraxo does to the human body.
If you've got a c-c-clog that's full of muck,
trust Abraxo Draining Fluid t-t-to get it unstuck.
It's v-v-very poisonous.
Okay, you can walk out of here.
Not just me.
Them, too.
Hey, thank you.
I said all of them.
Lady, those-those ones, you don't understand...
Whoa.
Don't be scared.
You're free. Go.
Oh, gosh.
Hello there.
Goodbye.
Martha. My name is Martha.
That's right. Your name is Martha.
No. No.
Martha. My name is Martha.
Please, please.
Come on, I know there's someone in there. Talk to me.
Please!
Pardon me, madam.
Could I help you have a better day?
No, thank you.
Oh, geez.
Okay.
I think it's safe to say they went bananas.
This still doesn't explain how the raiders got in.
These people were crazy.
If there were any survivors down here,
they probably opened the door and welcomed the raiders right in.
It says it was opened from the outside.
No.
They'd need a Pip-Boy to open the door.
They had one.
Whose?
My mom's.
You don't get these, you turn into one of those?
That how it works?
I may end up looking like you...
...but I'll never be like you.
Golden Rule, motherfucker.
♪ Dream on ♪
♪ Dream ♪
♪ On...
♪ I can see ♪
♪ No matter how near ♪
♪ You'll be ♪
♪ You'll never belong ♪
♪ To me ♪
♪ But I can dream, can't I? ♪
♪ Can't I pretend that I'm locked ♪
♪ In the bend ♪
♪ Of your embrace? ♪
♪ For dreams ♪
♪ Are just like wine ♪
♪ And I am drunk ♪
♪ With mine ♪
♪ I'm aware ♪
♪ My heart is a sad affair...
Are you shitting me?
♪ There's much disillusion ♪
♪ There ♪
♪ But I can dream ♪
♪ Can't I...
Whoo!
Ah. I'd love to share some of this with y'all, but...
...y'all weren't invited to this party.
♪ There ♪
♪ But I can dream ♪
♪ Can't I? ♪
♪ Can't I adore you? ♪
♪ Although we are oceans apart? ♪
♪ I can't make you open your heart ♪
♪ But I can dream ♪
♪ Can't I? ♪♪
There's an old Mexican eulogy, "Feo, fuerte y formal."
Means he was ugly, strong,
and had dignity.
Well, Joey...
...I'll give you two out of three on that front.
I hope you like the taste of lead, you commie son of a bitch.
Yee-haw!