You know, now that CeeCee's starting to walk,
we should think about babyproofing this place.
We didn't babyproof the house for you or your brother,
and you both lived.
Have you forgotten that Connor stuck a butter knife in an outlet?
And he lived. Your point?
Might explain the way he is.
You mean my electric personality?
- Hey. - Hey.
Brought dinner.
Ooh, meat lovers. What's the occasion?
Well, thanks to your husband, we're handling all the auto business
for the high school.
I'm bringin' home the bacon,
and the sausage and the pepperoni.
All of their tires, huh?
I'm impressed.
But...
No buts. Way to go.
Still feels like there's a "but" coming.
You feel it, I feel it, too.
You two are impossible.
See, that feels better.
Got a pretty hefty commission check coming your way.
We sure need it, given our ginormous credit card debt.
You mean my ginormous credit card debt.
I was tryin' to be nice.
Try harder.
Your ginormous credit card debt
does not diminish my love for you.
That is nicer.
I was thinkin', how about we take some of my commission
and go have a fancy dinner somewhere?
No, that's okay, we don't have to.
You sure? Celebrate that we're finally makin' some money.
You're making some money.
You're mad about that?
Of course not.
'Cause that'd be a weird thing to be mad about.
Yeah, well, I'm not.
Good.
Yeah, I'm really proud of you.
- Probably a nicer way to say it. - Okay, fine, it pisses me off.
There we go.
It just makes me feel like I'm-I'm not contributing anything.
Honey, it ain't a competition.
Yes, it is and I'm losing.
You want me to earn less?
Look, I went to college, I have a Bachelor of Arts degree in communications.
I should be making more than you.
Well, what's stoppin' you?
Oh, come on, put that diploma to use, talk to me.
Can I get you anything else?
- Tea's fine. - Mm.
You sure? Slice of pie?
What kind of pie you got?
Apple, pecan, lemon meringue.
Nah, I get my pie from the Waffle House.
Right.
I could use some more hot water.
Can I get you another tea bag?
You gonna charge me for it?
Yes.
Water's fine.
You charge for lemon?
No.
Thank you.
You know, I went to college.
We'll be back with more of today's hits right after this.
Do you feel like your potential isn't being maximized?
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Could you use some extra money?
Does a bear crap in the woods?
Would you like to be your own boss?
I don't care, just say how to do it.
So it's basically selling vitamins, and diet shakes,
and health bars.
And I can make my own schedule
so I can keep my job at the diner and I can still be here for CeeCee.
Have you ever worked in sales?
No, but how hard can it be selling diet stuff to Texans, everybody's chunky.
Okay. When do you start?
Well, here's the thing...
you know that old saying,
"You gotta spend money to make money?"
Uh-huh.
Well, there you go.
How much?
Well, obviously I'd make it back real fast.
- How much? - And keep in mind,
sales is all about communication.
And what do I have a degree in?
Are you gonna tell me or not?
It's $1,200.
That's my whole commission from the school account.
Meant to be, huh?
Just so I'm clear, are you competing with me or are we on the same team?
How can you even ask that?
Of course we're on the same team.
Okay, let's do it.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Just a word of warnin', sales is not as easy as you think.
It's not?
I just got you to fork over 1,200 bucks.
God, I am so turned on right now.
Hi. I'm Mandy McAllister.
I'm the NuvoTrim sales rep in this area.
I just wanted to introduce myself
and see if you had a few minutes to hear about our exciting products.
How did you get in this building?
Oh, well, I waited till somebody was coming out...
Hi. I'm Mandy McAllister.
I'm the NuvoTrim sales rep in this area.
I just wrapped things up with your neighbor
- and she... - Which neighbor?
Well, right next door.
Joan gave you money? She owes me money.
Well, I don't really know about...
Joan! Joan!
Why are you buying crap from this bimbo when you owe me for the lotto tickets?
I know you're in there!
Joan!
Hi. I'm Mandy McAllister.
I'm the NuvoTrim sales rep in the...
Hi. I'm Mandy McAllister. Uh...
Hi. I'm Mandy...
I didn't even say anything!
- Hey. - Hey.
Can I make you a plate?
Sure.
So?
How'd it go?
Great. Just great.
It's important to keep in mind, selling is like an art.
You know, it takes time to learn the...
Somebody else talk.
Yeah, when I was young, I tried sellin' door-to-door.
It was rough.
Yeah, how young?
Oh, real young, 16.
So three years ago.
That's a big chuck of my life.
The point is is I got better.
Oh, good for you.
I see why you stopped talkin'.
Relax, okay? I'm not mad at you.
Great. So you gonna pack it in?
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
No, we'd be out 1,200 bucks.
You'd be out 1,200 bucks.
Well, I thought we're on the same team.
We are.
You spent $1,200 to sell diet food to Texans?
Georgie thought it was a good idea.
I was tryin' to be supportive.
So you were lying?
I was supportin'.
Okay, no sense throwing blame around.
If you're not gonna quit, what's the plan?
Well, door-to-door's a waste of time.
I need to set up someplace people come to me.
Maybe in front of a grocery store or something.
Lot of foot traffic, people feelin' guilty about junk food. That's smart.
Yeah, that's why I said it.
Go team.
You know, I was thinking,
maybe we should buy some of Mandy's diet crap.
You know, get her started.
Really?
Have you forgotten the Girl Scout cookies?
The crying, the tantrums.
"Daddy, nobody buys my cookies."
She ended up selling a bunch.
To you.
Oh, like you don't enjoy a Thin Mint out of the freezer.
You know, she's not a little girl anymore.
You can't keep coddling her.
You coddle Connor... what's the difference?
He's a late bloomer.
He's 26.
He bloomed.
This is the bloom.
You know very well he requires a little extra love.
He requires a swift kick in the ass.
You don't mean that.
You could at least make him chip in around the house,
you know, maybe do his own laundry.
That seems fair.
Really?
Yeah.
Hmm.
What?
I wasn't prepared to win an argument.
You want to tell him?
I kind of do.
Go for it.
Hey, uh, just so we're clear,
I'm gonna tell him we agreed on this.
I don't want him coming to you and playing us against each other.
Smart.
All right.
Ooh.
What if he gives me a hard time?
Then he will have dirty clothes.
Consequences.
That's good.
Hi! Would you like to sample one
of our delicious diet shakes or nutrition bars?
Okay, maybe on the way out!
Hi, ma'am, would you like to sample one of our delicious diet shakes?
Not that I think you're fat!
'Cause I don't!
Hey.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Oh, just wanted to come check in on my favorite saleslady.
How's it going?
Good. Uh, passing out samples, getting people excited about the product.
Oh, excuse me, may I interest you in a free sample of a...
I'm a person! I have feelings!
Hey, maybe instead of just launching right into your sales pitch,
you try to find something personal you can connect about.
I got this, Georgie.
Watch this.
- Hook 'em, Horns. - Hell yeah.
That game against A&M, they got robbed.
100%.
What's all this?
A scientifically designed diet system.
Here, try one.
Not only tastes great...
it's developed by doctors to help you drop weight jiffy quick.
I could probably lose a few.
How much?
Oh, normally $15.
But we're having a special... two for $20.
Well, then give me two.
Get ready to wear smaller clothes, my friend.
See you at the beach!
Look at that... your first sale!
How's it going?
Fine.
You know how to use the fabric softeners and whatnot?
There's instructions on the bottle.
Right.
Good for you.
So all these years your mother did your laundry,
you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself?
Yes.
Why didn't you ever do it?
No one asked me.
So if I asked you to...
clean the bathroom, do the dishes, take out the garbage, you would?
Yes.
Okay.
Well, then...
do those things.
Okay.
This is crazy.
Oh, come on!
- You were right there! - Yeah. Watching you do it for me.
- I was just trying to help. - Well, I didn't ask for your help.
What's going on?
My husband thinks I'm an idiot.
No, I don't.
You just think I suck at sales.
Which don't make you an idiot.
He's right.
"Which don't."
Mandy, selling is in my blood.
It's what I do.
- Why can't you just let me help you? - Because I wanted to do it on my own.
That's just crazy.
If I was trying to be a waitress in a diner, I'd ask you for help.
Now, see, that right there, that is what an idiot sounds like.
Georgie?
Ms. Hutchins?
You quit working at the high school?
No, I do both.
This one for the money,
high school librarian for the glamour.
What brings you by?
I'm kind of looking for a book on relationships.
My wife and I are having a bit of a spat.
You're married?
Got a baby, too.
Oh, you knocked her up.
That makes more sense.
Speaking of making sense,
you got any books that explain women or marriage
or whatever it is I did wrong?
Oh. I have just the thing.
You married?
Me?
Oh, I'm too busy having fun to settle down.
Try this.
Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus.
Hmm. That explains a lot.
Have you read it?
Several times.
Did it work?
Yes, my love life is fantastic.
Do you want the book or not?
Sure.
I'm young and married,
you're old and alone.
It's funny how things work out.
Hilarious.
Did you put the dishes away?
Connor did.
Oh.
And the ball is snapped.
Don't forget... tomorrow's garbage day.
Connor took the cans down.
Oh.
Good.
Bathroom's clean.
Attaboy.
What did you say to him?
I just asked.
Just over nine minutes to go in this...
I don't know how I feel about this.
What's the problem?
I guess I'm just used to taking care of him.
Aw. 'Cause he's your baby boy?
- Yeah. - Hmm?
Well, if it makes you feel any better, you can always take care of me.
Oh, it's not the same!
Brought you a fresh one, Dad.
Thank you, son.
It's a tough night for you, huh?
Aw. She's adorable.
Oh.
Thank you.
Don't you love being a mom?
I do.
She's everything to me.
But there are some days where I feel like
all I am is "CeeCee's mom."
And that is not enough.
I have more to offer the world than...
changing diapers and blending bananas.
I get that.
You want to know something?
I just took a sales job,
not because I needed it but because
I wanted something I could call my own.
And my husband... bless his dumb, redneck heart...
swooped in and took it away from me.
They think they can fix everything.
Why don't they get us?
Because they're self-centered sons of bitches.
You got that right.
So what are you selling?
Oh, uh, it doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
It matters very much.
Oh, uh, well...
diet shakes, vitamins, nutrition bars.
Oh. I could probably lose a little bit of the baby weight.
Oh, well, don't say that. You're beautiful.
$15 a box, two for $20.
I'll take two.
Yeah, same here.
- I'll take eight. - Okay.
Hang on. Let me write this down.
Hello.
Hey. How'd her checkup go?
Great, good, she might need glasses.
More importantly, I made a ton of sales and I did it all by myself.
- That's amazing. - You're darn right it's amazing.
What's that?
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.
You're kidding.
They ain't really. It's just a metaphor.
Yeah, I got it.
Uh, why are you reading it?
Well, I'm trying to be a better husband.
You'd do that for me?
I'd do anything for you.
I didn't think that included reading a book.
Not just any book...
a long-ass, boring one.
Yeah, well, what'd you learn?
Well, in a nutshell, all you gals want
is to be heard and have your feelings validated.
Huh. All us gals.
Sorry. All you girls.
Ladies?
Well, I know it ain't "chicks."
Well, what about all you fellas?
Well, that's interesting. Turns out
men are problem solvers.
We like to fix stuff.
But here's where it gets tricky...
y'all don't want us to fix stuff.
You just want to complain.
Whatever you're feeling, I acknowledge it!
Hi.
I told you, I don't want what you're selling.
I know. And-and I'm not selling.
I just came by to apologize.
For what?
Well, this is hard for me,
but I was trying to prove to my husband
that I-I'm-I'm more than just a mom.
But maybe I'm kidding myself. I mean, maybe that's all I am.
I had a husband like that.
So you understand. I mean, no matter how hard you work,
you're always the junior partner in the relationship.
Second-class citizen.
Exactly.
Anyway, I'll-I'll leave you alone. I just...
I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for bothering you.
Hang on!
Tell me about what you're selling.
Oh, I'm just so glad you asked!