This sucks.
This is why we need to make a statement.
You know?
I don't think that—
What? You afraid we'll end up in detention?
Well, yeah, that's— that's what teachers do.
They're not going to send all of us to detention.
Mr. Henderson is totally lame, and this is our best chance
to inform him of that fact.
You don't think he's lame?
Well...
Yeah, but— - Then what's the problem?
Okay.
The Camden Hills local jazz ensemble.
I can't believe she fell for that.
Loser.
Why—why'd you do that?
I—I don't feel so g—
So good.
16-year-old female
gets pranked, also gets visual hallucinations
and vomiting.
Turns out to be a failing liver.
Why have Foreman's breasts suddenly started to droop?
Large breasts are a classic symptom
of you letting Foreman
take vacation days so he can finish his F.D.A. reports
before the end of the year.
When are you taking vacation?
Hepatic and neurological involvement—
so I understand Foreman's absence.
Your presence, not so much.
I'm bringing in a case.
You may have noticed me doing that before.
I've noticed you a lot recently.
It's almost as if
you have a sexual interest in someone here—
Like, say... Taub.
Well, Taub might think I like him
if I stayed,
which is why I'm gonna do this.
Somehow I don't think
that was really about me.
Uh, Wilson's Disease.
Ceruloplasmin's normal.
You've got a Christmas present.
"Greg—made me think of you."
That's funny.
Usually explodes after I do that.
Alcohol abuse? - She's 16.
The kind of boozing that destroys your liver that early,
parents or teachers would notice.
Wow, Manual of the Operations of Surgery
by Joseph Bell.
You're throwing that away?
Twice.
Someone's screwing with me. - Forget it.
Yeah, gifting antique medical texts.
Oldest gag in the book.
Handwriting's kinda girly. You got an admirer, House?
I said forget the book!
Why'd they pick on her?
She's an overachiever. High grades. She volunteers.
She's a big target. I'm assuming literally.
Depending on where this school falls
on the Heathers scale.
Do you think the kids slipped her something?
Their teachers grilled them.
When do teachers ever know how to motivate their students?
What did you do to Natalie?
It's all my fault.
I didn't stop her from being a total pig.
What are you—
your friend's liver is failing.
We're doing what we can,
but she still might need a transplant.
She could die unless you tell us what you gave her.
Just tell him. - Shut up.
We gave her some 'shrooms.
We took some ourselves, we just—
Wanted to make her loosen up a little.
How thoughtful of you. You got any left?
They're in Simon's locker.
This was your idea?
No way. I didn't give her anything.
Right, you just knew about it
And let them do it. poisonous mushrooms
And hallucinogenic ones are different.
Not if they don't dry correctly.
Get back to school.
You better hope we got to her in time.
What?
Am I going to get in trouble?
Should we apologize or something?
Yes, you should.
Natalie's on the third floor.
Who's down there?
Where's the woman I spoke to last week?
The trial patient, um, with the advanced symptoms.
She dropped out.
Is she okay?
Not health-related.
She just wants to drop out.
Why? - She didn't say.
And I only break into the houses
of very special patients to understand them better.
I do good today, boss?
No rigidity, no cog wheeling.
So, absolutely I'd call that good.
Great. Thanks.
Your clipboard.
Keep it.
This place actually smells of evil.
Where do you work, again?
Why would House throw out
a book worth hundreds of dollars?
To make you ask that question.
Can you really put a price tag on screwing with people?
Can you get us into Natalie Soellner's locker
While we're here?
House always has an agenda.
Just screwing with us isn't—
Yeah, he'd never do that.
Oh, wait— he already did last year.
Remember the Secret Santa gift he got himself?
He was making us fight
over who could get him the best present.
This time he's just making us wonder.
No animosity, no ugly competition.
I think it's a real present.
If it's real, then House really was freaked.
And if it affects him,
eventually it'll affect us.
Uh-oh.
Maybe it wasn't those kids who poisoned Natalie.
Maybe it was Natalie herself.
I didn't try to kill myself.
Then why'd you have all those painkillers?
In case I get a headache.
Well, maybe you took a few too many.
Do you have any kids?
No.
But high school
wasn't all that different when I was your age.
Teenagers can be
incredibly mean.
I know what you're going through.
I bet you were cool.
You're pretty.
You're pretty, too.
I'm fat.
I'm a loser.
They all hate me.
You know what they did last year?
They took these photos of me for the yearbook...
but it wasn't.
It was for this website.
Making fun of me...
calling me a pig.
Forget about them.
Let's just make you better.
What's the point?
Acetylcysteine could save her liver.
But we have to act fast.
If there's any chance that she took all those pills—
There's no chance.
Okay.
She was the happiest, sweetest little girl and—
and a year ago she hits puberty,
and it's like this secretive little stranger
moved into her room.
I try to talk to her about what she's going through.
Give her the treatment.
You can't really think that she tried—
I don't know what to think.
If it's a subpoena,
he's gotten that kind of present before.
It was a book. That narrows it down.
Just look for someone
who knows how to read or has been to a bookstore.
Most bookstores don't carry Joseph Bell on surgery.
Did it have a note?
"Greg—made me think of you."
Green wrapping paper?
How did you know that?
What is it?
It's nothing.
Yes—when something's nothing,
the natural response is to guess
the color of the paper it's wrapped in
and then descend into stunned silence?
Irene Adler.
Christmas, 2001.
Sarcoid symptoms,
But she didn't respond to methotrexate.
I've never seen him so obsessed.
He saved her with a last minute Wegener's diagnosis,
but the hours he put in—
I thought it would kill him.
And then...
well, he fell for her.
But it was too soon after Stacy and—
It sounds silly,
but Irene was the one who got away.
Really?
No, you idiots.
House is just screwing with you.
You think there's some woman
with a mysterious green wrapping paper trademark?
Then how did you guess—
I could be wrong.
It's possible a secret admirer gave House
the same book I gave him last Christmas.
And the same paper I wrapped it in
and the note I wrote.
We gotta go.
Heartbeat?
150. B.P. 180 over 110.
Crackling 3/4 of the way up.
Guess this means she didn't try to kill herself.
Well, scratch the hallucinations.
That's from the mushrooms.
Leaves liver failure and now pulmonary edema.
And you—
Standing there, beseechingly.
Yes, I was going to stalk you at home,
but it was a busy week and your office is closer.
Thirteen and Foreman were busy drug trialing
and we needed an answer on the overdose,
so we called her in.
She's just updating us. - Convenient.
Update's done.
This is a good experience for me,
as my parents never got divorced.
Theories? - Glue sniffing.
Effects on the lungs would have been immediate.
House, we all know what's going on here.
Cuddy gave you that present.
No. Infections?
No fever, no polys in the sputum.
I think—
I think she loves you.
I told you to lay off the present.
And the L.S.D.
We got distracted by the painkillers.
Toxins are still the most likely—
Just tell her how you feel.
If you won't, then I will.
I'll walk right down there.
Damn it.
Love like this needs to fly free.
You talked to Wilson.
He has very girly handwriting, by the way.
I knew I should have just wrapped a new present.
You said the patient volunteered. Where?
Uh, Pleasant Valley.
Soup kitchen in Trenton.
Thirteen and Kutner, search the home and the school.
Taub...
You take the anal swabbing
of the fragrant and contagious homeless man.
Why don't you hang out in the video store
and tell everyone Kevin Spacey's keyser soze?
And by the way,
that ending really made no sense at all.
You had my present for a year
and didn't even open it?
I had no way of knowing
there was an expensive book inside.
Completely meaningless prank,
even for you.
Stealing your ice cream
is a completely meaningless,
albeit delicious, prank.
Observing my team's reactions
to unexplained phenomena
could have been pretty useful.
Of all the ways to mess with people,
why give yourself an imaginary present?
Have you checked the prices
for fireman strippers recently?
Yes.
The holidays—
they're hard for you. I get it.
You see the people around you
giving and receiving gifts,
having sustained, meaningful relationships,
and since you can't,
something deep in your subconscious
makes you create the appearance of a gift.
Sad.
You really passed your psych rotation?
It's too bad you can't just be nice to people.
You could get a real present that way.
If I wanted gifts,
I would just look deep into my patients' eyes
and act like you.
"Oh, I'm so sorry you're dying,
"Mrs. Moron.
"Of course I'll sleep with you.
What I lack in skill I can make up for in—"
You'd just wind up insulting her,
perhaps calling her Mrs. Moron.
Right, 'cause I'm physically incapable
of being polite.
Being kind in a sustained, meaningful way?
No.
Oh, I get it.
You're trying to get me to prove you wrong,
then I'm gonna be nice to all my patients
all through the holiday season,
and then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's porridge.
I'm totally on it.
Yeah, that actually is what I'm trying to do.
And the pathetic part is,
it's not gonna work.
You're right.
I gotta stop being such a jerk.
Oops.
Just kind of undercut myself, there.
Across the country. Be paying attention.
Well, people should pay attention
because they could expect up to 23...
Janice?
I'm Remy.
I'm— yeah, I remember you.
I heard you left the trial.
Yeah.
If there's some way I could help—
Um, it—
it was that doctor.
He—the one that was runnin' the tests.
Dr. Foreman.
Yeah.
He's a great neurologist. He's a great guy.
You—you like him?
Why don't you?
I told him
that those injections were making me sick
in my stomach,
and he just gave me antacid.
We were warned that nausea's a side effect,
and giving you antacids is all he really could do.
No, he told me,
"get over it."
With or without the use of drugs,
I don't have a long time.
I'm not gonna spend it bein' his guinea pig.
House.
It's tuberculosis.
You got that from an anal swab?
Man, you're good.
There was a more subtle clue.
Homeless guy,
uncontrollably hacking up blood.
Cough's lasted two months, he was cachectic.
Unless you can tie him to the patient—
Yes, again, if only there was some subtle clue,
like the fact that he was standing next to her
in the soup line for a week.
I hate spunk.
T.B. can cause liver failure,
lung symptoms— fits.
Start her on the standard regimen.
Uh—you don't have clinic duty today.
Who says it's a duty?
Hi. I'm Greg.
Hi, I'm Whitney.
Hi, Whitney. How can I help you?
I have a—
a terrible headache.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
I'll get you fixed up.
Is there anything else you need?
Bottle of water?
Coffee? Mint tea?
No, but that's so nice.
Usually the clinic doctors are kind of rushed.
If you can't be nice,
why be a doctor?
So where do you feel the pain?
In the back of my head here.
Uh-huh. That's beccaria's sign.
That'll be gone by your third trimester.
Oh, I'm not in school.
Neither is your fetus.
Oh, God.
You didn't know you were pregnant?
How do—you know that just from the headache?
How do I know?
I missed my period,
I got fat, threw up,
oh, no, wait— that's how you know.
What?
I know because of the tight shirt
stretched over the swollen boobs,
the salt craving you've imported into the clinic,
the motion sickness patch that doesn't do anything
for the kind of sickness that you feel in the morning.
Yeah, I'm a virgin.
So is my fiancé.
I believe him.
Aren't there other ways I could get pregnant,
like... sitting on a toilet seat?
Absolutely—there would need to be a guy
sitting between you and the toilet seat,
but yes, absolutely.
I was doing so well.
Natalie?
Oh, God. Natalie.
She's having a seizure. Put her on her side.
Nurse! - Is this from the T.B.?
Not with the supple neck.
I don't know what this is.
Four milligrams lorazepam.
Liver, lungs, and now brain...
which has mysteriously reappeared.
Speaking of mysteriously reappeared.
Her A.L.T. is 20 times normal.
Transaminases and P.T.'s way up.
She's gonna lose her liver.
We gotta get her on the transplant list.
You keep showing up.
You also keep leaving.
It's possible that you have the hots for me,
but really, really hate this kid.
It's also remotely possible
that I have that reversed.
She's a nice kid. I wanna make sure she's okay.
Hepatic fibrosis?
Normal complement level, normal-sized liver.
She remind you of...
You?
Nah, you weren't a loser in high school.
You had every Tom, Dick, and Hershel
wet-dreaming about you.
But she could be making you
think of another helpless, chubby little girl
you recently met.
You are not really making this
about the baby I tried to adopt.
It's been a few weeks.
Just enough time
to get over hurt feelings.
Natalie's 16.
I think you're confusing being maternal
with being human.
If we hadn't ruled out the mushrooms—
Maybe we shouldn't have.
Forget toxic—
think allergic.
Severe mold allergy
could cause, uh, liver failure,
respiratory arrest, and encephalopathy.
She ate the 'shrooms days ago.
There's no way she'd still be sick.
Unless it also gave her a fungal infection.
Give her a prick test in antifungals.
Hey.
Thank you for the gift.
I really appreciate it.
I spoke to Janice.
She okay?
Yeah.
Her nausea—
she said you told her to, like,
get over it?
And?
Nausea isn't something
you can overcome with sheer willpower.
Which is why I didn't prescribe willpower.
I prescribed antacids.
If she can't handle that,
she'd have to leave the trial anyway.
Just call her, say you're sorry.
She'll come back.
No.
God, you're acting like House now.
No, I'm not acting like House,
Which is exactly why I don't need to apologize.
I'm not being cruel. I'm not being manipulative.
You said the same thing to me
when I told you I was having a hard time.
And it worked.
She's a 40-year-old woman who's falling apart
physically and emotionally.
She's dying.
Look, I know seeing
the ghost of your Christmas future is tough.
But the only way I can help her
is to make sure she follows her regimen,
not by becoming her life coach.
You're not acting like House.
You are like him.
Dr. House?
This is my fiancé Geoff.
She says you told her you can get pregnant
from sitting on a toilet seat.
I said those words,
but with a particular inflection.
I knew it was untrue.
Well, is there any other way?
Isn't it possible?
There was a reported case
of a civil war soldier
who was shot in the testicles,
and the musket ball carried the non-musket ball
into the uterus
of a woman working in a neighboring field.
Nine months later, a miracle child was born.
Also, maybe she cheated on you.
We made a promise.
We d—we do other stuff in bed.
Couldn't some of his sperm
have made it up there somehow?
More likely, it came from the guy
whose penis made it up there somehow.
But...
sure, anything's possible.
I want a paternity test.
Tell him that amnios
are dangerous this early on in the pregnancy.
Are they? - Well, who cares?
He doesn't know.
Well, we'll—we'll do the paternity test.
No reaction. - That's bad?
If you had a mold allergy,
it would explain your symptoms.
We'll find out what's wrong, don't worry.
And, uh, I know some things
are hard to talk about with your parents around,
but kids can be really mean.
There are people you can talk to—
programs—
I'll—I'll be okay.
You're in good spirits.
You feeling better?
No.
I was just doing my homework.
I'm such a dork, I guess that cheers me up.
Parents brought it?
No, Simon did.
The jocky kid in your class?
Yeah. He just left.
Security.
I was just bringing her her homework.
You helped bully this little girl
and completely refuse to accept responsibility.
No way you came here out of compassion.
That only leaves guilt. What'd you do to her?
Nothing. - Stop lying.
Or I'll take the drugs I found in your locker
down to the cops, you slimy little jerk.
This kid didn't do anything to you.
This isn't about me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
You were bullied yourself when you were in school.
Take it easy.
I wasn't bullied.
Right— the Indian foster kid
whose parents were shot in front of him.
You were clearly Homecoming King.
Let's try this again. Just tell me—
Honestly, you don't understand.
We used to be friends.
And I'd be friends with her now
if, you know, people wouldn't make fun of me.
There's nothing you could tell us that'll help?
Did she mention she used to drink a lot?
No.
How do you know that?
Look, don't tell anyone, all right?
I had my brother's I.D. and I kind of supplied people.
I used to get her
a few bottles of vodka each week.
Why'd you stop?
She got her own I.D.
Said it was cheaper buying it herself.
You can go.
I think we got our diagnosis.
Our little girl's a drunk.
I don't drink.
I did back then, but—
you could die.
We can't get you on the transplant list
until we know why your liver is failing.
Alcohol abuse would explain that.
The seizures could be from withdrawal.
I haven't drunk in six months.
I didn't even drink that much back then.
A couple of vodka bottles a week?
I didn't open half of them.
I just bought them because—
you know, 'cause Simon was selling them.
We used to be friends.
And that's, like, the only way
I could get him to even talk to me.
Then why did you stop buying from him?
He said you got your own I.D.
I don't know.
See, that's not a good answer.
Remember when you asked me if I had any kids?
I don't.
I don't know, maybe it has nothing to do with it,
but I was good at school,
good at work, lousy at life.
I screwed up every relationship I ever had.
And I thought, "why would I
want to bring a child into this?"
But then I got older.
And...
How you feel now will pass.
Don't let it screw up your whole life.
It's already screwed up.
My asthma.
They said they'd fix it,
but it didn't make any difference at all.
Well, sometimes doctors make mistakes...
Anna, and then you have to try
twice as hard to fix them.
Are you using your inhaler? - All the time.
Go through one a week.
You sure you're using it right?
Do I look like an idiot?
No.
Why don't you show me how your inhaler works?
Jerk.
Uh, what was that all about?
Jamaican chicken recipes.
The parents said no to the benzos,
but I still think Natalie's not being honest with me.
So she's willing to die to cover up some boozing.
She's very depressed.
She feels like she deserves
what the other kids are dishing out on her.
I think she either wants to die
or she wants the attention that dying gives her.
I have no idea why you care so much.
Tell Kutner to start her on benzos.
House, the parents just— - Uh-uh.
Not the alcoholism.
Seizures. Totally different.
Don't need their approval for that.
You sure you want to know?
If it makes it any easier,
I'm gonna tell you anyway.
We want to know.
What does it say?
Don't leave.
You go home last night?
I meant to.
Started reading this file,
just couldn't put it down.
Let me ask you—
That patient that dropped out,
the one I told you about—
Yeah.
You think I should pursue it more?
No, patients drop out.
That's why we start with hundreds.
Well, I just thought if there's an easy way to make
the people who drop off come back, then why not—
They're not people.
Really?
I thought the zombie trials
were all completed during phase two.
You can't see the patients as people.
You can't even see them as patients.
They're numbers.
Look...
a friend of mine has this disease.
I don't wanna know.
There's a reason this is double-blind—
Any personal stake we have skews the studies.
Science is not about human relationships.
It's about results.
Now, you know that. You work for House.
Why do you think I brought you on as my partner?
Dr. Taub!
She was talking to me and then she just passed out.
Her heart's slowing down. Can you fix it?
- I'm trying.
Pushing one amp atropine.
We've been waiting here for six hours.
Am I the father or not?
No.
But...
She also didn't cheat on you.
Normally,
sperm meets egg, D.N.A. meets D.N.A.,
goes back to her place, cells divide,
nine months later, joy is bundled.
That's normally.
Abnormally,
An egg could have
two naturally occurring gene mutations
that don't naturally occur together.
A spontaneous calcium spike
could prep the egg for fertilization
without sperm,
and a division mistake could let the egg split up
without ever needing male D.N.A. at all.
Parthenogenesis.
A baby without a daddy.
In humans, it's only ever been theorized,
but it was never proved.
Until now.
Mommy.
Baby.
Your daughter has only maternal D.N.A.
I personally checked this five times.
In seven months, you will have...
a virgin birth.
Merry Christmas.
Gotta tell you about this clinic patient.
Natalie's liver is continuing to fail.
And now bradycardia.
Atropine isn't keeping the heart rate up.
We're gonna have to put her on a pacemaker.
Alcohol withdrawal
would cause her heart to race, not crawl.
There's nothing structurally wrong with her heart.
E.K.G., echo, electrolyte panel are all normal.
Multiple endocrine syndrome?
Free T-4's normal. Hypothalamic brain tumor?
Didn't come up on the C.T. scan.
It's hitting all her organs.
Could be the blood. What's her alk phos?
300.
It can't be leukemia.
High alk phos could also be from liver failure.
She's a teenager— means bone growth
and destruction could throw it off.
Maybe, but it's higher than you'd expect.
Start her on chemo.
We'll do a bone marrow biopsy to confirm.
Why are you ordering tests instead of treatment?
Her heart and liver are about to give up.
Do whatever you need to.
Why are you so attached to this girl?
It's your call.
He doesn't want us to treat her.
If it's leukemia,
even if we kill every cancer cell,
her heart and liver are too far gone.
A double transplant—
With brain involvement?
The committee won't even open the file.
There's no reason to put a dying girl
through a painful treatment
if it can't save her.
He's being kind.
I'll arrange a biopsy.
Mrs. Burke?
We are conducting another trial
in tandem with yours.
Same drug, lower dose.
The nausea will be less.
I did some checking.
I can switch you.
Here's the forms if you want back in.
What if we're wrong?
Maybe we shouldn't have overlooked autoimmunes.
High sed rate—
We went over this.
Normal complement level.
So it isn't hepatic fibrosis.
Could still be
Microangiopathic vasculitis.
With high-dose steroids,
we might be able to reverse—
You run a hospital
That treats thousands of patients every day.
Some of them die.
Every day.
If you're gonna get this worked up
over every one of them—
Yes!
B.R.B.
What is it?
Thank you from a patient.
For you?
I saved her marriage
by showing that her pregnancy
was the result of parthenogenesis.
Human parthenogenesis?
You proved— - Yep.
It's unbelievable.
But I personally checked it five times.
How did you check it five times?
The cycler's broken,
you would have had to send it out.
It would have taken— - Oh, yeah.
That does sound impossible,
now that I think of it.
I guess the better explanation
is that the paternity test showed she cheated
so I faked the whole parthenogenesis thingy.
What?
Why?
I win.
You faked a scientific miracle
just to win a bet with Wilson?
Mmm, more an argument.
I realize it would have been simpler
to just fake the paternity test,
but hey—Christmas spirit and all that.
I think you're confusing nice and evil again.
Letting a woman deceive her husband
by inventing a virgin birth just so you can—
And it obviously would have been more fitting
if the baby had been born on Christmas,
not just invented then.
It's not leukemia.
Seizures, liver failure—
It's eclampsia.
This means we don't have one dead patient.
We have two.
Um...
You have a disease called eclampsia.
It causes liver failure, pulmonary edema,
and seizures.
It's also associated with cardiomyopathy.
That's a pregnancy disease.
You tested her when she came in.
Uh, you can get eclampsia
up to a month after giving birth.
That's ridiculous.
How could she hide a pregnancy? - Loose clothes.
She's heavy to begin with.
It was probably premature.
If it was three weeks ago,
They could have missed it on a physical exam.
The baby's why
you quit drinking, isn't it?
Why you asked me if I had kids.
Why you feel guilty.
I'm sorry.
Oh— who did this to you?
Simon.
It wasn't bad.
We were like boyfriend/ girlfriend for a while,
We just didn't tell anyone.
He doesn't even know about—
What happened to the baby?
I was gonna give it away.
If they found out at school—
I was at the soup kitchen
And she started coming.
There was this empty house down the street,
But then she wasn't breathing.
I tried so hard, but I couldn't do anything.
I'm... so sorry.
If I had her in a hospital,
maybe she'd be alive.
Can you cure this?
The damage to the heart and liver are permanent.
I'm gonna die?
I'm sorry.
I didn't even bury her.
I just put my coat over her.
Get out of my house.
I'm a doctor.
I don't care who you are.
Did you, uh...
Find the body of a baby?
I said get out.
Michael?
Who are you?
That's not your baby.
You're tiny.
There's no way you gave birth three weeks ago.
She's my sister's.
That baby is sick.
She needs clean water.
She needs real heat.
She was probably born
with a partially blocked airway and—
might even have brain damage.
You can't take care of her in a place like this.
Shut up.
I took care of her—
I know.
You found her.
You saved her life.
Now you have to let her go.
Who is that?
It's your daughter.
She was alive.
People found her and took care of her.
She's beautiful.
Kutner.
No transplant?
We appealed. Too sick.
How much time does she have left?
A couple of days at most.
What about the baby?
Seems healthy,
But it's too early to tell.
She's in the hospital for observation
For a few days, but after that—
Best case, winds up with her teenage father
who just got voted
captain of the varsity bullying team.
He's just a kid.
You all right?
I gotta go.
Jonathan.
Yeah?
It—it's, uh...
It's Lawrence Kutner.
Wh-why are you here?
I wanted to apologize.
For all of the horrible stuff
I did to you in high school.
I'm sorry.
What's gonna happen to her?
I spoke to both sets of grandparents.
It's too painful.
They're putting her up for adoption.
What are you gonna do?
I already spoke to a lawyer.
I become a foster parent
and then I adopt.
Merry Christmas, Cuddy.
Hey.
Where is everybody?
Down at the party.
I heard Janice is back on the trial.
My Christmas gift to you.
I was wrong.
You're not House.
Yeah, well, that's my Christmas gift to myself.
We should go to the party.
We should.