Ladies and gentlemen, thank you
for coming to this grand unveiling.
What's grand about it?
I don't see a veil.
Well, there was going to be
an archway and a curtain,
and my sister Stupendous was going to be here.
A military presence would have really popped.
Imagine I'm standing under a grand arch,
and there's a full military guard and all this fanfare,
and I'm pulling down a huge curtain to reveal...
Our street?
That's what it is currently,
but it is the future home of
Krapopolis' new Grand Boulevard.
They have one in Corinth. It's fantastic.
What's a "boulevard"? Like a fancy cow?
Sounds like a real snob!
A boulevard is like a street, but bigger,
with a garden down the center.
I saw one in Corinth
and it works like gangbusters.
What do we want with a big street?
We can have parades down it.
We can march elephants down it.
Fancy elephants?
They think they're better than us?
No one's saying anyone's better than
anyone else! This is all going wrong!
The announcement was supposed to be impressive.
There was gonna be a big military guard
in ceremonial uniforms.
Where the hell is Stupe?
This was a great call! So fun!
Right? I mean, every once in a while,
you gotta pick a fight that's ridiculously easy.
Why us? We didn't do anything!
We're getting an easy win. What's it to you?
Can you please just get it already,
then, if it's so easy?
You've been hurting us since morning!
Aw, crap, is it not morning anymore?
Everyone, wrap this up. We got a thing.
I ran back here for a dumb announcement?
That's why I've been training a drum corps?
You have something on your shoe.
All right, everyone. Apparently,
this wide street is important.
Buh-buh-buh-buuuuh!
Guess you weren't able to get those trumpets.
All right. Anyway, Scott, release the doves.
I couldn't find any doves. I got badgers!
Ya did good, Scott.
That's what you were doing when you were
supposed to be helping me?
Just raiding an easy city?
Yeah. It's called a vanity raid. It's for morale.
I needed you for a ceremony.
Ty, look at me. I don't do ceremonies.
I'm built for one thing and one thing only:
ripping guys' heads off
and shoving their head down their own throat!
I've seen her do it. She's the best in the biz.
Well, the biz is changing.
The biz is now ripping
the head off civic duties
and shoving the head down the throat
of showing up for ceremonies.
I gotta say, you made it sound
as appealing as possible,
but I'm just not cut out for it.
You know what? You're right.
I can't make you do that stuff.
I guess this is how it ends.
"Ends" meaning we fight
to the death, or...
No, no, I'm saying
we just can't work together anymore.
I guess it's time for me to find a new Number Two.
I'm not available.
What is that rock you're rubbing?
And is it magic? And either way, may I rub it?
It's for my girlfriend.
The little wood nymph? Branchy?
- Daphne. - That's still happening?
It's been so long since we heard anything,
I'd rather assumed it had petered out.
Well, that's the problem.
I've been so busy in the lab,
I haven't been paying her enough attention.
But I'm taking her to this place.
The Cypress Grove Inn.
Mineral baths, couples massages, moonlight dinners on the beach.
I have no idea why they call it the Cypress Grove Inn
when clearly it should be named "Bone Town."
That's a much better name.
I'd say Nymphy is a very lucky lady.
Daphne. I'll call her what I want!
So you're giving her a polished rock?
Well, that's about the least romantic thing ever.
Typical science guy gift.
Friggin' shiny rock.
Fine. I won't give her the rock!
Hey! Dumb rock!
Thank you all for coming.
Once Scott has completed
your medical evaluation,
you can line up here for the interview phase.
I will be examining your teeth,
the shape of your head,
and your stool sample.
If you do not have a stool sample, make one.
If you try to show me someone else's stool sample,
I will know.
If you tell me I'm just
doing this for the stool samples,
that's going to cost you another stool sample.
Good. It hasn't started yet.
What are you doing here?
Ty, the leading cause of death
among kings is the guy
they hired to help out.
This is too important
for you to decide on your own.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
This is me caring about you.
Sounds like you not trusting me.
Let me spin it
how I want to spin it! Who's first?
It would be the honor of my life
to protect the king!
Dumb hair. Next.
Welcome to the Cypress Grove Inn.
Are you folks here to save a relationship,
- or are you just starting out? - Save.
Well, you've come to the most
romantic place on Earth.
We always say, if you can't
fix your relationship here,
you got no business trying.
Care for an aphrodisiac?
Oysters? Chocolate? Ginseng?
Plain old grain alcohol?
Don't even need it. Just show us to our room
and I'll take it from there.
Son! Welcome to the party.
We got the room next to yours.
You invited your parents?
I didn't invite them.
Um, when you get a chance,
we've laid waste to all of your hot tubs.
Stupe, you can't keep overruling me.
Guess what. You're overruled.
I found you a guy.
Tell him what you told me.
My name is Zan.
Protecting kingdoms has been
in my family lineage since before record.
A blood oath to protect from a decorated warrior
such as myself cannot be broken.
No wound of flesh or mind would stop me
from guarding Krapopolis.
Now, that's a candidate!
- Pass. - Are you serious?
Did you see him?
I do, and I find him off-putting.
He hasn't blinked yet.
I saw a fly walk across his open eye.
That's because he's looking for threats.
And he doesn't see the fly?
The fly isn't a threat!
This guy is everything you want.
- Hey, Zan, are you castrated? - I can be.
That's a team player right there.
He's everything you want, Stupe,
but I'm the one who has to be around him, so... next.
It was an honor to be considered. Thank you.
Hey! There he is!
The man, the myth, the absolute legend.
Heard about the opening, and I jumped at the opportunity
to interface with you. Let's chat about what I could
bring to the table, how we could level up your game.
Sorry, weird bro. We're looking for a guard.
Ooh, are you, though?
Or are you looking for someone
in the business of guarding?
Ty, my guy. You're the king.
You gotta focus on that king stuff
and leave everything else up to someone like me.
And how do we do that? It's called "brainergy."
Krapopolis is Vesuvius hot right now.
People, business, culture. It could be the next Corinth.
That's what I've been saying!
And you'd be calling the shots.
I'm just the megaphone, big dog.
Hey, you smell that? It's inspiration cooking.
And buddy, you are a bread bowl of inspired. Ha!
Now, that's how you pitch. I like this guy.
Are you friggin' crazy?
He's obviously a backstabber.
Do you not see that? The greasy hair,
the constant rubbing of hands.
This guy is textbook power weasel.
Yeah, my power weasel.
Zan is the obvious choice!
If you don't hire him, I will.
Be my guest.
All right then! Zan?
OK. Welcome aboard.
I pledge my life to serve you.
Welcome aboard, um...
Wormius.
And, bam, that's how you do it, Big Dog.
Could you call me "Big Dog" more often?
You got it, Big Dog.
Yeah. I like that.
I told Stupe, we need an arch
to pull this off. I told her 3 times at least.
Then I get there and of course...
- Lemme guess, no arch? - No arch.
No military guard in shiny uniforms. Just me.
And, as charismatic as I am, I needed pageantry.
That is beyond frustrating, Big Dog.
We'll get things sorted. Don't worry about it.
If you want your vision of a boulevard to be a reality,
you should have the help of at least 100 men.
You're the friggin' king, my man.
You mind if I go ahead and make some hires?
Of course not!
I'm glad someone gets it.
Sick. And, Ty?
When we're done here, people will forget
Corinth even had a boulevard.
How's everything going with your guy?
Fantastic. Wormius understands my vision
in a way that you never could.
If that's an insult, it's not landing,
because I think your vision is dumb.
And I think you're a meathead for thinking that.
Look at us breaking up peacefully.
We really know each other.
How are things working out with Zan?
He's an absolute dream.
You are my sun and moon
and if I ever disappoint you,
my life will be forfeit.
No! I want you alive!
As you wish. And if I ever die,
I will kill myself in punishment.
This coulda been yours.
And this... could have been yours.
Do you have to hunch like that?
How can you relax right now?
What? The parents thing?
Yes, "the parents thing"!
How can you be so casual about this?
You're talking about the two most
self-involved people on Earth.
I learned a long time ago, if I get upset with them,
they somehow take it as a compliment.
So, you're not going to say anything?
If I complain, they get more obnoxious.
And we're invited to dinner with them tonight
and I gave them a very passive aggressive "OK."
OK, why is it that you are the first to tell anyone
when they're wrong, but you can't do that to your parents?
Trust me. Consequences of that
are not worth the effort.
Did someone say double couple massage?
I did! I did!
Any problem areas?
Spots I should avoid?
Yes, but I prefer
a human masseuse.
They said you said no preference.
Well, I didn't think "bark for hands"
was something I had to screen for.
Why on Earth did you even
get into the massage business with those hands?
I like to help people relax.
Not with those hands, you don't.
I think you're being prejudiced.
Yes, against being rubbed by kindling.
OK, that's uncalled-for.
Darling, I can do the rubdown.
Hippo, Daphne, why don't you
get on the table first?
Is it because I have aphids?
Go ahead and say the word. Say the word!
All right, warriors, look alive!
Except Markus and Dimitrios.
I know you guys are dead.
What the?
Soldiers! Ten-hut!
General Stupendous!
Your army is ready!
What the hell am I looking at?
I hope you don't mind. I've been drilling them.
My God, I've been trying to get
these guys to do straight lines forever.
They're still kind of transitioning
- from horde to army. - Yes.
I've studied you, and I surmised that this would please you.
Well, you got that right.
- So, you must know... - That you've always
tried to get them to do synchronized drills?
Present... spears!
And jab! And step!
And jab, and step, and spin, and spin,
and toss-toss-jab, and march in a square
and jab-jab-
hands on hips, jab and present!
This is the coolest thing ever.
Everybody, give it up for Zan!
No, no, no, please.
I cannot accept this praise.
I exist only to serve my General.
What Stupendous wants, Zan does.
Zan has no ego or agenda.
There is no Zan. There is only Stupendous.
OK, that's a little extreme.
I have displeased you. If you want me to march
into the wilderness until death, I will.
No! Could you just have them
do the spinny thing again?
Of course. And 5, 6, 7, 8!
Wow! Wormius, you absolutely nailed this.
- You like? - I love.
I'm gonna go re-launch this boulevard.
Bup-bup-bup! Not yet.
You got the trumpets?
Yeah. Guess where I got 'em from?
- Corinth? - I got 'em from
the place Corinth gets 'em from.
Sick! And you got
people to put on soldier costumes?
No, no, Ty. These are your new bodyguards.
Remember I said you needed a staff of hundreds?
You got your own personal security team now, buddy.
Speaking of, you're gonna need to pay these guys.
Is it cool if I go into the coffers and take care of it?
Absolutely. All right, here I go.
Citizens of Krapopolis! It is my honor
to present to you, our Grand Boulevard!
I get it now! All hail King Ty!
Do you want to hoist me on your shoulders?
- You can. - You bet!
What's happening? I want to ride shoulders!
Too risky. You know how many shoulder-borne
poisons they got these days? I'm gonna have to dictate
- your movements from now on. - Dictate my movements?
All the top kings have their movements dictated.
I wanted a shoulder ride.
Wow, now, that's a spicy meatball!
Meet me on the ceiling, darling!
I'm trying. I just don't want to throw out my back.
It's almost over.
The ceiling is usually the last part.
You know their sex routine?
Everyone does.
And you're seriously
not gonna confront them.
He's a literal monster
and she's a literal god.
If they want to ruin my life,
they're gonna do it.
OK, well, if you're not gonna
stand up to them, I will.
You can't just... Wait!
- Hey! Stop it! - Dreadfully sorry.
So rude of us to exclude you.
- You two need to leave. - Daphne...
This is our romantic getaway.
Excuse me?
This is not good. I...
Your son is too afraid to say this,
but it needs to be said. You are being
rude, insensitive, and inconsiderate,
and you have turned a normally
strong-willed man into a scared son.
He's afraid to stand up to you,
which I'm finding very unsexy.
I appreciate the correction.
- You do? - Yes.
Even though I'm a goddess,
I'm not unreasonable.
I'm always happy to take criticism
from a wretched, little worm!
- Aah! - There it is.
Mom, could you please turn Daphne back?
When I'm ready.
General, please, let me shop for you.
Zan, are you dressing like me?
Yes, for there is
no other way to dress.
You are the one true warrior
and all of my focus is on you.
You could tone it down just a bit, though.
All I want is to please you.
You're all I see! All I think about!
All I dream about!
I just wish I could be in your skin.
I wish I could be you. Just literally become you.
Is that weird?
No.
All right. You'll be safe here.
This is basically where you're gonna be most of the time now.
It just looks a little...
Secure? You betcha.
You're gonna be staying in here most of the day.
It's just easier to keep you in one place.
You're too important to roam around.
But what do I do if I want a sandwich?
Great question. You get all that stuff through me.
Hey, guys! Get those windows
blocked up for the king, OK?
And how we coming on those new door locks?
Shouldn't the locks be on my side?
Nah-nah-nah. You don't want to have to
deal with all that rigamarole.
Yeah, see, that's what I'm wondering.
I know you're here to help me, which is great.
I just think it's almost like
now you're in charge of me, if that makes sense.
See, this is why you're the big dog, Big Dog.
That's a great idea. How about you give me that door key?
I... am thinking that is not a request.
Wow, I knew you'd be great to work with.
Nothing needs to be explained to you.
Guys, help King Ty decide to give me the door key.
And I couldn't get into the treasury to pay your guys,
so, I'm gonna need that key, as well.
You need my door key and the key to the treasury?
Yeah. It's called delegating.
It feels a bit like a coup.
Can't get anything past this guy.
You're way ahead of me.
Ooh!
Did you literally just gulp, bro?
There was something in my throat. The timing was weird.
Sounded like one of those "no" gulps, you know?
I can see why you would think that,
but there's something going on with my throat,
some kind of spasm or...
OK, you're trying to tell me that that one wasn't...
It wasn't!
OK, I gotta get this checked out.
Morning, King!
How was your kingly sleep?
Scary and claustrophobic
with strong hints of absolute failure.
I think of it as snug.
Anyway, here's your crown.
Stick that on the old noggin
and, let's go talk to the staff.
- The staff? - Yeah, you gotta make
some announcements, throw your weight around.
You know, tell 'em who's in charge.
Who would that be exactly?
Ha ha! Fantastic.
Love this guy. Help him along, will you?
Hello, everyone. Thank you for coming here.
Great. Now tell them they're all fired.
- They're all fired? - There it is,
straight from the horse's mouth.
I did everything I could, guys.
Now here you go.
Hand this back to me. And, OK!
You've all witnessed the king handing me the official signet.
Only the Hand of the King wears it, and when he
wears it, he speaks for the king.
You and you, stick around.
You're gonna need to build me a bigger office,
but then you're out. Sorry. My hands are tied.
- You can't do this! - Do what, King?
You wanna tell everyone what's happening here?
That you've lost control of your kingdom?
How would that go over?
All right, that one...
that was an "no" gulp.
And it set off the other gulps!
Damn it!
Could I have another pure grain alcohol,
and a leaf for my girlfriend?
I warned you. You're eating leaves now,
all because you didn't believe me when I said
don't pick a fight with my parents.
You can't talk, can you?
You're probably saying I got some nerve.
This was all my doing.
Now you're probably saying the problem is
I didn't have any nerve. You at least tried.
You stood up for yourself.
Even now, as a caterpillar,
you've got more backbone than I'll ever have.
You're right!
Nerve has never been the problem.
The problem was I lost track of what's important!
You know what? I just might!
Mom, Dad, I want to be here
alone with my girlfriend.
You may not understand boundaries,
but I demand them!
Do you know who you're talking to?
Yes! And I'm not a god,
but I'm your son, and I'm telling you to leave.
- Well... I... - And you need to
- turn her back. - Are you sure?
A caterpillar can go places
Drafty would never fit.
Daphne. Turn her back.
Fine, if she apologizes for insulting me.
She will not apologize
and you will turn her back.
In fact, you'll apologize to her!
OK, OK. I'll apologize to her.
Hippo. I love leaf.
Do you know where leaf?
What a productive day.
Look at you, getting stuff done.
- Night night! - I just woke up!
Yup. Big day tomorrow. Get some sleep!
You think he would ever try to escape?
Well, the only way out of that room
is through the toilet. I don't think he's that dumb.
God, God, God,
God, God.
No, no, no, not good.
Dirty, dirty, nasty, nasty,
ew, ew, ew, ew, ew...
Aah!
- Zan? - General,
I was just collecting your hair.
If that's not OK, I'll kill myself.
It's not OK, and don't kill yourself.
But I just want to be you!
All I want to be in life is you, Stupendous!
- You need to stop. - I can't!
And if I were you, I'd tell me the same thing!
I'm so devoted to you, I'm losing myself!
It's happened before. My name's not even Zan.
That was the last guy I worked for.
- Stupe, I need you. - Ty!
Where have you been, and why do you smell like that?
I was inside the toilet, and...
- I was inside the toilet. - Got it.
I completely screwed up.
That guy stole the kingdom right out from under me.
He seduced me with smooth talk, and now I'm a puppet king,
locked in my bedroom. I should never have fired you!
You didn't fire me.
I certainly did, but I shouldn't have.
Nope, I quit,
but I shouldn't have.
Pretty sure I fired you, even though
I really got my comeuppance for it.
No way you would have had the balls to fire me.
I broke it off first.
And, boy, did I pay the price for it.
Hey, brother. There's two of me now,
by the way. Pretty cool.
Two identical Stupes.
- Did you... - Gouge out my own eye?
No, because I never had it. I'm a cyclops!
All right, I think the prices we both paid
are about equal. I lost my kingdom
and you've got whatever that is.
Either way, I'm sorry, for firing you.
So am I, for quitting,
because you didn't fire me.
- Yes, I did. - No, you didn't.
Yes, I did. So,
how do we get out of this?
You go in and fight my battle
for me like the good, old days?
No. Wormius has, like,
a million goons now,
and I'm just me.
Wait a minute...
- Gentlemen, a toast! - Hear, hear!
I gotta say, this was probably our easiest one yet.
I mean, did you see him when he handed me the keys?
No struggle at all!
It's great taking advantage of people.
I just play to their vanity, and they
practically fleece themselves.
I mean, you know all this.
I just love talking about it.
No, no, we love
talking about it, too!
Booyah! OK, let's,
split the loot, head out.
Someone's not where they're supposed to be.
Yeah. You.
Ahahaha!
What are ya... what are ya thinkin'?
There are a ton of us and just one of you.
Actually two.
Seems like you two have it under control.
I would just be in your way at this point.
Don't need another body in the mix.
I know once you're
fighting with a partner, you get in a flow.
Wouldn't want to mess that up.
Really the smart move here is
for one of us to stay fresh.
Probably should go back and get my sword.
That's what I should do. I'll just... head out and...
Excellent, you've got it done.
Well done, you two. Well, well done, us, really.
So, I've got my Number Two back?
If I've got my king back.
I'll just get right in...
Not weird at all.
I'm sorry. The hot tubs are closed today.
Very sorry. The hot tubs are closed.
Terribly sorry for the inconvenience.
The hot tubs are out of order.
The next one, as well, all of the hot tubs.
Yes, that one, too, all of the hot tubs.
I wish I could say they were in order.
They're still out of order.
Very sorry for the inconvenience.
- No hot tubs today, sir. - Aah!
Not today, I'm afraid.
Wish I had better news.
I'm so sorry. I would definitely
not go in that one.
No, no, no, not that one, most especially.
That one is most definitely closed.
All of them are closed.
That one is definitely out of order.
Closed. So sorry.
Did you get any of that?
Bento.
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