♪ I'm Craig ♪
♪ And I'm walking along ♪
♪ And I got some stuff for my wife ♪
Cora? Thaddeus?
I don't know what to say.
You could say this isn't what it looks like.
But it is what it looks like.
I called it!
I knew he'd catch her.
Oh, that hurts.
Hey, the good news is you found a woman
who will never lie to you.
My wife, she lies to me all the time.
What a great idea, Athena,
betting on the mundane everyday decisions of mortals.
They're just the right amount of stupidly unpredictable.
Wait, wait, it's not over.
This is... I just...
I had "storms out"!
Oh, this is fun.
Damn! I had "kills everybody."
Oopsie, that's for the house.
I had "offers himself sexually."
Ooh, tough break.
That's more for the house.
It really is good to be the house.
All right, next up is...
Ted, who just found something, like, super weird in his salad.
He's gonna eat it. He's gonna eat that thing!
Ah! I've got this one.
Um, haven't you already lost everything?
Not everything.
Do it!
No, he's gonna eat it!
Baby, you know you want to!
Eat it! Just put it in your num-num box.
There you go. Eat it!
Yes!
Yes, Ted, yes!
I had "eats it, likes it, and digs around for more."
Trifecta!
I had "goes to the other guy's place
"and offers himself sexually."
The other guy from the other bet?
Apollo, shut up.
Oh, so sorry, Shlub.
Looks like I've totally cleaned you out... again.
No, no, no, let me stay in.
I'm happy to let you stay in,
but what have you got to bet?
What do I have to bet?
One night with me.
I would have to compromise my morals,
but that only makes it hotter.
Shlub, you know you'd give me that for free.
Want to bet? If I lose, you get to sleep with me again.
I'm not interested in something
everyone in the world can have for nothing.
I say walk away now, dude.
You do not want to do something stupid
like betting away your uncle's trident.
He's gonna be so mad at me.
That's the one bad thing about gambling.
It destroys families.
We can bet family members' stuff?
Opa!
Dad, what are you doing?
Just having some fun doing a little rummaging, that's all.
Hey, don't you have a bunch of highly valuable items
you stole from Hades?
Don't you have multiple treasure chests of your own?
Not anymore, and there's no explanation for that,
so don't even think about digging.
Where's your crown?
I lent it to a dying kid.
It was his last wish.
What's this thing?
A truth-telling gem. Very rare.
Ah, well, when you're not looking,
I'm going to steal it from you
to pay off my massive gambling debt.
Damn it!
You're gambling again!
Yes, to relieve the stress of being king.
It takes such a toll on you eating all those glitzy meats.
You're not built for gambling.
You have no impulse control.
Ha, well, if you believe that,
you've underestimated
both the force and breadth of my impulses.
Look, I'll prove it to you.
Here's a piece of baklava.
You can have two pieces of baklava if you—
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
Well, I could have proved you wrong,
but then I'd be playing your game and not mine.
Dad, how much do you owe?
Not much. In fact, this little gem should cover it.
Also, I didn't give my crown to a dying kid.
I lost it at the casino.
And that kid wasn't ill.
He was just very drunk.
Ah, double damn it!
This tricked me again!
Does Mom know?
No, I can't let her see me in this state.
Besides, if she can spend all day at the spa,
why can't I spend it at the casino?
Ugh, what a mess.
All right, we're going to fix this right now.
Where's Ty when you need him?
Rhetorical question.
He's on a boat for some reason.
What do you need all this rope for anyway?
Today's the day I finally do it.
Yes! You're getting into macrame.
No, I'm finally setting sail
on my maiden voyage.
What is this, to impress Viscera or something?
Impress—? Pfft! Viscera? Come on.
Hey, Ty. Oh, hey, Viscera.
Just loading up here to go sailing,
which is something I do in my blood, really.
Um, OK, well, that's kind of weird.
Wait, this doesn't have anything to do
with the sex dream I told you about
with the sailor. Sex dre—?
I sort of remember that, maybe.
No, I planned this trip
long before you told me about the sexy dream sailor.
All right, whatever.
Well, good luck.
You know what? I'm realizing...
I hope you don't die.
Aw. So, it's not about her, huh?
Yes, it's about her. Of course it is.
There are these flowers that only grow
on the peak of Gavdos Island,
and some say you're not a true seaman until you've picked one.
And, I don't know, I just have this fantasy
of pulling into port with one of those flowers
and Viscera's waiting for me proudly and...
You stopped listening after seaman, didn't you?
Yeah.
But, Ty, Gavdos is a really tough sail,
and you are not a sailor.
Sailing isn't just for sailors and criminals anymore.
Children of wealth and privilege can do it, too.
What, you don't think I can make it?
No, I mean, I'm sure you could do anything,
but this houseboat, uh, the railings are splintery,
that rudder seems too, uh, ruddery.
And look at the weak spot on the deck.
Man, I love how strong I am.
I know you don't think I can do it,
but this is important to me, Stupe.
Then, why don't I come along?
I don't need a babysitter.
Not to babysit.
It's not like I think you'll 100% definitely drown
if I don't go with you.
I just think you could use a first mate.
Chicks love a captain who's got a first mate.
Ew, now he has something weird in his chicken.
Oh, it's a worm. I think it's a worm!
Oh, he's gonna eat that, too.
You're betting on people?
Of course you're betting on people.
I've got a system,
and if you would lend me your trinkets,
I'll pay you back and then some.
You're betting on everyone to have sex, aren't you?
It's where everything is headed.
Athena, clearly my dad has a problem.
Don't you have a thing
where if people get in huge enough trouble,
you go, "Hey, maybe gambling's not for you?"
I want them in trouble.
Do you not understand how this works?
Yeah, sure, but at a certain point,
shouldn't you be like, "All right,
"this has gone too far, let's call it even"?
So, you don't understand how this works.
Just give him his crown back, and we'll leave.
Athena don't give back bets.
When I ran out of money,
she started taking fingers, then legs.
I bet all 20 legs and lost them.
Why didn't you stop at, like, 9?
It's called having a winner's spirit.
He wouldn't understand that.
How much is a finger worth?
What exactly does he owe you?
We'll settle up and get out of here.
Oh, we're settling up. Let me see.
He lost his entire treasury, this braid.
Ah! And...
Oh, right, your palace.
Still want to settle up?
Oh, you don't know who you're toying with.
I'll play your silly games, Athena,
and I'll win it all back, fair and square.
How fun.
That's the spirit, son. I'll chip in.
No, Dad, stop!
I'll be the one gambling, on one condition.
I choose who we bet on next.
Click over to the docks.
I'm not usually in the business
of letting the players set the terms here,
but I'll make an exception if it means
I can bankrupt Deliria's whole family.
That poor sap looks like my son.
Dad, it is your son,
and I think I know him well enough
to get our money back. Let's find out.
Damn, every time I think I'm out,
they reel me back in.
I'm betting my uncle Poseidon's favorite dolphin!
Do not ask me why it's his favorite.
What do you think about these conditions?
You don't think today might be a bad day to set off?
- Huh? In what way? - Weather's not the best.
Water looks especially wet today,
and we're basically surrounded by sharks.
They say the big ones are the most aggressive.
Oh, that dude isn't leaving the dock. No way.
Well, of course he's not leaving the dock,
but what's his final excuse gonna be?
My money's on "bad knee."
Guys are always talking about bad knees.
Hippo, I've got a strong feeling about this.
Whatever the excuse is, it will be genital-related.
Dad! I know Ty better than you.
Let me concentrate.
Even though he's really good at it,
Ty hates failing,
but Stupe is there, and that works for us
because Ty will want to appear strong,
and sure, he'll probably die out in the water
after saying something dumb
like, "Upward, onward, and all aboard,"
but Ty needs to win, so...
Ty's leaving that dock.
Upward, onward, downward, sideward, and away we go.
Doo-doo-doo.
Hmm, I was close.
Give us a push, Stupe. Aye-aye, Captain.
All right.
Gonna be a long night.
We hit big when Ty didn't throw up,
took a small loss on not stubbing his toe,
but made it back
on him not hitting a big wave while picking his nose,
which shoves his finger into his brain.
Would have paid huge!
Let's put it all on agonizing shin splint
he relieves the pain of with self-pleasure.
Dad, no.
We make small, realistic bets,
play the probabilities, and manage the risk.
That's how we chip away at this debt.
Like, for example, he's got to tie off that rudder,
but that rope looks pretty gnarly,
so I'm gonna play the odds on rope burn.
Ow! You first got to invent something to protect hands.
This can't go on.
Bingo! And hand pants is brilliant.
Note to self, invent hand pants.
You're pretty good at this, huh?
Just simple odds. And betting without emotion.
Sure. It's easy when the stakes are so low.
Oh, there it is. Yeah, trying to suck me
into a bigger bet is not gonna work. Sorry.
I was trying to suck you into more fun, but whatever.
I'm also not worried about being perceived
as a stick in the mud.
Oh, so you're just chicken.
Nobody calls me a chicken!
Ah, his old weakness, which he's always had.
All in on Ty making it to that island.
Hippo, you said realistic bets.
Well, how about something like "Ty eats falafel"?
Ty's committed to this,
and when something is important to Ty,
he'll move mountains to get it. I hope.
Then I'll put something on "Ty moves a mountain."
Dad... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses.
Sexually.
Ah, it's nice to see fellow sailors.
Makes you feel less alone out on the open seas.
You have supplies in this houseboat, correct?
Correct.
Would any of those supplies
happen to be a trained navy?
Aside from me.
I've got a bottle opener that's shaped like a lobster.
Okay, well, I'm gonna stretch,
because that ship full of pirates
is definitely gonna try to kill us.
Pirates? Pirates?
There's no pirates in that part of the sea.
I know, right?
Crazy.
Hope your guy can get through this one.
They won't kill him with Stupe there.
Falling overboard while trying to stab a guy
with his lobster bottle opener is tempting.
Everyone! Place your bets.
Okay, OK!
I'm going for "gets kidnapped, makes friends with a parrot,
"everyone gets so annoyed hearing them talk to each other,
"they give him back."
Excuse you?
Ahoy!
Dreaded Captain Blobbo here
to do the typical pirate stuff.
Take your things, sink your boat.
This is rum, you get it.
Mr. Blobbo, captain to captain,
this is my first time out in this boat,
so could you possibly come back another time?
This journey is really important to me.
Give me!
My lobster!
Thanks.
I deserve that!
Go and sail us out of here
while I kick some bony pirate ass.
BONY Aw, man, she noticed.
Ah!
I bet those muscles sink!
Toss her overboard!
Hey, you guys like booty?
That's kind of your whole thing, right?
Booty? We love booty!
Whoa.
Looks like you don't know him
as well as you thought.
You win some, you lose some.
That's what makes gambling fun.
You think the losing part is fun?
Oh, like you've never got off from being punished.
Yeah, the psychology of this addiction is nuts!
Maybe if I lose enough of my uncle's stuff,
he'll, like, you know, pay attention to me.
Wait, isn't it weird
that as soon as we locked in our bet
for Ty to make it to the island, pirates showed up?
Must be pirate season.
That's not a thing! I think she's cheating.
Yeah, of course she's cheating.
But I wouldn't say anything if I were you.
I once accused her of cheating, and this happened.
What happened?
Used to have a second head.
The guy was a real jerk,
but I loved him like a brother who is also myself.
Leave it to Athena to ruin the opportunity
for a wholesome threesome.
I don't like this. Ty got lucky with those pirates,
but she'll kill him for that money.
That sounds bad when you describe it that way.
I'm describing it the way it is.
Ah, yes, that's why it sounds so bad.
But how do we beat a goddess?
We know a goddess, too.
No, we are not telling your mother.
Why? Because she'd fly into a rage?
Yes. Thank you, stranger.
Deliria? Mom!
But I thought you were at the spa.
This place has a spa.
Never been, but it's got one.
Athena's always up to some little scheme,
and I intend to bankrupt this one.
Also, I'm a slut for roulette.
You're not mad I've been hiding
a debilitating gambling problem?
Oh, Shlub, please. It's adorable!
Like when a baby tries a lemon for the first time
but keeps taking bites.
Why didn't you help us out sooner?
Because I was busy playing roulette in disguise,
quietly snapping up all of Athena's bracelets.
But now it's time for Momma to take out her teat.
I am so aroused, I can hardly...
Ah! There it is after all.
Goddess Queen Deliria.
I know you've been coming in secret for the past few months.
I could smell your cheap perfume.
Just had to see my dear friend's new gig.
Bit of a downgrade from being the god of war.
Anything can be a war, bitch.
Then grab a white flag,
because my children will make it to that island.
No, Mom. You got to fight Athena.
Do magic. Emulate the concept of caring. Anything!
But then I wouldn't be beating her
at her own game.
Deal me in.
So, what do we all promise?
No more pirating.
Can we do a little bit of pirating?
No. What about during pirate season?
That's not a thing.
And make sure you thank this nice boat
of vacationing bankers
who have agreed to take you to the nearest port.
I got to admit, you're pretty good
on the high seas.
All it takes is motivation.
Ty! Oh, no.
I'm not saying anyone who doesn't make it
on the high seas isn't motivated enough.
I'm just... No! Ty! Look!
A storm?
Oh, bummer.
I kind of liked Ty.
He had good taste in music.
Not a bummer at all.
Finally some excitement.
And he has terrible taste in music.
Do you two not care that your children
are about to die?
Do you not care that your mother
was about to die of boredom?
This is real, Mom.
If Athena keeps winning, she's going to get the city.
And then it's bye-bye, Goddess Queen.
Stupe, my silly little fantasy
is going to get us both drowned.
It could be worse. See?
This boat is too strong for me.
I'll place it over here near this island.
We made it?
What a turn of luck. Interesting.
The Kraken doesn't live in that part of the sea.
Almost as interesting
as a sudden storm in the middle of summer.
And if you ever mess with my family again,
you'll be found in a very interesting way.
Goodbye.
Finally.
One final bet.
Your son is heading up that mountain
to pick some dumb flower.
If he succeeds, I'll give you Athens.
And if he fails, I'm Goddess Queen of Krapopolis.
Double your cities.
Nope. Nice try. But we're done here.
You know what's better than a vacation home?
A vacation city.
What? No! Are you serious?
We're in. We're in.
You're really bad parents.
Ty, you told me how important this is to you.
And I'd be a bad sister
if I let you stop now.
But what if I can't do it?
When you said you were gonna sail today,
I thought I was going to have to plan your funeral.
But you proved me wrong.
And as mad as being wrong makes me,
it would make me even madder if you quit.
And I hate getting madder.
It makes me so much more mad!
I don't know if you were pumping me up
or threatening me, but it worked.
Thanks, Stupe. I'm getting that flower.
And shortly after, Viscera's respect.
Great! I'll just toss you up there.
Thanks. What are you gonna do?
I don't know. I guess I could use a little break.
Maybe chum the water. Fight a shark.
Fun. Now, when you said
"toss me up there," did you mean...
Ah!
Oh! Damn it!
What are we doing here, Mom?
Bees!
Cute. I thought so.
A hive of butterflies.
OK...
He's almost there.
I can't wait to use your city as a junk drawer.
Ah!
Come on, Ty. What's he going to do?
Huh?
I know you gods are up to something,
and I refuse to be part of it.
The pirates, the kraken, that very helpful snake,
the fart that turned out to be a little more than just a fart.
I did this for my own reasons
and, as such, I can also not do it for my own reasons.
Good-bye.
Oh, what the hell?
He didn't do it. I win.
Oh, come on. He chose not to do it.
We win. You all lose!
Because we treated our own son as a puppet to make petty bets?
No! Well, yes. That, too.
But mostly because earlier I placed this bet.
I bet that Ty would figure out
that you all were messing with him
and do something pointless and crazy.
Whoa. The odds on that one.
Yep. I know, my brother.
That's why I picked him in the first place.
Athena, time to cash out.
I'm only honoring this because I want Shlub
to come back and destroy your lives again.
Fat chance, cheater.
Did I mention high rollers
get two free tickets to the buffet?
There's lobster tail.
Well, I'm in.
After all, we're rich now.
Did you just say we?
Congrats, Ty. You're a real sailor.
No, I'm not.
All I did was get batted around by gods,
and I didn't even get the flower.
Batted around by gods
is what sailing's all about.
And as for the flower...
You picked me one? Yeah.
While you were making your way down the mountain,
I went up and grabbed it for you.
Lot easier to climb that thing
when stuff isn't turning into each other
all willy-nilly-nilly-willy-dilly.
And if you're me, obviously. Thanks, Stupe.
Ty. Viscera.
Is this you?
What?
Just a standard thing sailors say.
Is this you?
Sailor stuff.
So, how did it go? Ah, it was nothing.
Pirates, storm, kraken, the uzhe.
And I did it all for this.
Is that a Gavdos flower?
Yes. And I want you to have it.
No. Seriously?
Aw, thanks, friend.
Enjoy the kebab.
Friend. Could be worse.
I have sex with a lot of my friends.
And a lot of my enemies.
I'm doing all right.
Come here often?
Oh, definitely.
Though I don't want everyone to know.
I like to keep a low profile.
Oh, yes. I can do that.
Hmm. I'm going to grab us some drinks.
Care to watch my stack?
I would be honored.
Ooh, you dirty devil.
Mm-mm-mm.
You're a lucky man, Shlub.
Can I get you a drink?
No, thank you. My wife is grabbing some.
I beg your pardon?
You don't think we're getting too complicated
with these little sex games, do you?
Hey, less talking, more...
Did you get any of that?
Bento.