Your Honor, the defendant was caught
with the stolen items in her purse.
You Honor, my client, Mrs. Jasser—
It's Ms. Jasser.
Noted. Ms. Jasser—
You can call me Helen.
The defendant had no idea that—
- My husband's in a coma. - Oh.
Objection, Your Honor.
Th-The defendant is groping her attorney.
Counsel, approach the bench.
Oh, I got nothing.
I just thought you could use a break.
Am I crazy, or has someone been getting
a lot of lady attention lately?
Connie from probate won't stop talking about
the dashing new defense attorney with the thick hair
and tush worth a push.
Connie's a big ol' freak.
It's actually really annoying.
I'm tired of women asking me if I've got any inside info
on the silver fox I work with.
Carol in the cafeteria, Carol at records,
Carol who's always wearing the cat blouse.
Oh! Go for cat blouse.
I mean, I just thought that maybe she could be your chance
at sharing your hopes and dreams with someone.
And she could also share where to get that cat blouse.
Well, I hate to spoil all your fun,
but my dating days are behind me.
Of course, there was a time I would have killed
for this kind of attention
and almost did.
Not a human, a chicken.
A voodoo doctor back in Plaquimines Parish, Louisiana,
told me that an animal sacrifice would make me irresistible
to the fairer sex.
Anyway, let's get back to these weirdos.
Which one of these pet fish looks like the most fun?
This one has kind eyes and seems like a good listener,
but this one's name is Zazzle.
Unless you're a seal, getting a fish
is a desperate cry for help.
Well, my fiancé, Rand, and I
have been doing the long-distance thing for a while,
and I've been feeling a little lonely,
so thought I'd get a pet.
But it has to be one that you can't dress up
because otherwise I'll never leave the apartment.
Well, stud, you got me into handcuffs.
What now?
I mean, seriously,
is there no poetry left in flirting?
Earlier today, a woman yelled, "I'd like to climb that!"
Ooh, I gotta get this. It's the fish people.
Excuse me, could you help me—
Oh, please. Yes, can I help you—
what, would you like to bang my gavel
or some other tortured double entendre?
Let me tell you something.
I dress like this to please myself,
not to be ogled and debased by deviants like you.
I just wanted to know where the records room is.
Down the hall to the left, first right.
Ah.
Uh, excuse me.
I'd like to apologize. I'm very sorry.
I— I had a long day.
Oh, I mean, I can't begin to appreciate the indignities
you must suffer as an upper-middle-class white man.
I deserve that.
Can I make it up to you
by buying your... real-life newspaper?
Oh, I actually get this delivered.
Yeah, call me old fashioned, but I like knowing
there was someone right outside my door while I was asleep.
Ah, I thought I was one of the last people to read those.
Matter fact, I start every day by doing...
- The Jumble. - ... the Jumble.
Uh, I'm Dan.
- Oh. Julianne. - Hi.
Well, thanks for the directions,
and good luck fending off the deviants.
Ha!
Ah, screw it. Look, I did come over to you
because I thought you were handsome,
and my therapist told me that I should take more chances.
Well, here's my number.
Maybe we can Jumble together sometime.
Oooh!
Dan met a lady!
My heart is closed for business.
I've had the great romance of my life.
That's more than most people get.
I know you don't believe that.
I mean, just tonight you said that we're all entitled
to more than one great love.
Sure, you were defending a polygamist cult leader,
but I could tell it was from the heart.
Ugh, romance.
Even those movies are depressing.
They're all about some woman who abandons a presentation
to catch some guy at the airport.
It's like, finish the presentation.
The head of the company is there!
Well, y'all know me— I always got a boo and a back-up boo.
You will not catch me on the kiss cam
with no one to kiss, bumming out a whole stadium.
It's just not fair to the fans.
All right, let's give Dan a break.
If he doesn't want to date, that's okay.
I mean, he doesn't need a special someone
when he's got us.
We are all the emotional connection he needs.
I'm just gonna go ahead and text Julianne.
I'm an assistant district attorney
in the city of New York,
and you will treat me with respect!
Okay, well, your client should have thought about that
before took a bath in Richard Kind's apartment.
Oh, okay. I'll see you in court.
You got any mints?
This is a nightmare.
I'm trying to find somewhere I can work that's quiet,
but this just— this is not worth it.
Well, isn't there an office all the DAs work out of?
Ugh! No one will leave me alone in there.
Okay, you know what? It's fine. It's fine.
I'm— I'm just gonna go and work in the morgue.
The vibe is lousy, but at least there are plenty of drawers.
Well, hang on. I bet if we put our heads together,
we can find you a quiet place to work.
Oh, I don't know. I've looked everywhere.
Every office and most of the closets are—
What— What's— What are you doing?
Uh, you keep blueprints in the bathroom vent?
I keep blueprints in every vent.
You never know when you might find yourself
in a "Die Hard" situation.
"Die Hard."
- Uh... - Nakatomi Plaza?
We open on a plane.
A young Die Hard hates to fly.
Don't have time to hear a movie right now, Gurgs.
Right. One emergency at a time.
All buildings like this have a lot
of unused nooks and crannies.
Okay, well, looks like our best bet gonna be
right here in the east wing.
Thanks for expediting the docket
so Dan could leave early for his date.
Any big plans for all this extra night we've got?
Yeah, so many.
Me and my boy... Jaston, the—
- It's okay to say nothing. - Nothing.
You?
Mondays used to be pizza night for me and Rand,
but now we're 300 miles apart, so...
At least Dan's having fun.
First dates are so magical.
The anticipation, the jitters,
the excitement when the car pulls up
and you get that first whiff of garlic.
Now I'm talking about pizza again.
Plus, Dan picked a great first-date spot.
De Bello's minestrone is to die for.
And they'll give you a cup for half off
if you show them the text when your date cancels.
You don't think Julianne would cancel on Dan, though, right?
I hate the idea of him sitting alone, rejected,
crying into a bowl of sad soup.
They won't upgrade you to a bowl,
no matter how much you're crying.
I pushed him into this.
I'm gonna feel terrible if he gets hurt.
Like the time I snuck my cousin on a roller coaster
and realized you have to be this tall for a reason.
Don't worry, there was a loop,
so she landed right back in her seat.
But the guy said that almost never happens.
Okay, what if I just popped into the restaurant for a quick peek
just to make sure it's all going okay?
That wouldn't be too crazy, right?
No. I'll come, too. Moral support.
Plus, I can tell people I was on a date.
Okay, I just real quick want to get eyes on him,
and then we'll be on our way.
Hey, hey, Mr. Neil!
Well, she showed up this time. Congratulations.
Oh, no, she's my boss.
Ah, that makes more sense. I'll go get your soup.
Oh! There he is.
Oh, no. He's alone. He got stood up.
Okay, this was a bad idea. We should go.
Oh! Dan's here!
Hi, Dan.
- What are you doing here? - It's a funny story.
So, uh, Neil wanted soup,
and then we knocked over that tray,
and now you're mad at us.
I'm so sorry.
Julianne stood you up, didn't she?
Yes, she did.
Turns out she never liked me, I guess, and... oh.
Ugh. Too much work.
I never sent her a text.
What the nuts, Dan? You didn't have to lie.
It's fine if you didn't like her.
No, it's not that I didn't like her.
I actually found her rather captivating.
All right, look, if you must know,
I actually did write her a text inviting her here to dinner.
I just never got to the send part.
That's how these things start— with send, and then dinner,
then a second dinner,
and then all of a sudden it's Thanksgiving
and you find yourself duking it out
with her half-Turkish brother-in-law
over American policy in the Balkans,
and why in that particular scenario
I have such strong opinions about that,
I don't know, but I do.
The point is,
I understand that this could be scary,
but if you don't at least try,
you could be missing out on something really special.
You could take it as slow as you want.
I'm sorry. I sent the text.
What Abby said got to me.
I can't watch you be alone anymore, Dan.
Don't worry, it's not like she's gonna run on over here.
Says she'll be here in five minutes.
Ah! I can't believe this has been
hidden here this whole time.
Why do you think it was boarded up?
Well, my guess is this is where they used to
prosecute all those witches.
You know, New York City in the '70s was crazy.
This is perfect.
No one's gonna bother me here.
You know, I have to share an office with nine other bailiffs.
Sure would be nice to have a place like this.
Um, seeing as you found it,
I-I-I guess we could share.
- Oh! I could never... - Right?
say no to an offer like that, so absolutely yes!
Good. That's what I wanted,
yeah, and therefore why I asked.
We're gonna be office buddies.
We can finally get to know each other better.
First thing to know about me—
I love a Crockpot, because you can just set it and forget it.
Oh, no! My stew!
Hey, do you want us to stay?
It might keep things from being uncomfortable.
It'll just be really, really weird.
No, it's okay.
You guys can leave, um...
Sure, it's been 27 years since I was on a date,
but it's just dinner.
One thing hasn't changed— I am Dan Fielding,
a man renowned for his charm and grace and—
oh, my God, she's here.
Ohh! She's wearing a scarf.
Oh, you're staying. Get down.
Get down. Get down. You're staying.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
Hello, sailor.
Uh, hi. I'm Abby.
- Oh, hello. - Hi. And this is Neil.
- Hi. - Hi.
The three of us were having a group hang,
and Dan had the great idea
to invite the charming woman he met the other day.
Well, I'm glad she couldn't make it and you asked me.
No, no, we mean you.
She means you. Why did you say it like that?
- Why don't you have a seat? - All right.
Oh, yes.
Ah, I love this place.
You know, the minestrone here is incredible.
This one's a keeper.
I've never been a fan of soup.
It's sort of like hot juice.
So, Julianne, where are you from?
Uh, well, I-I grew up on Staten Island,
but when I was 12, my parents— - Oop! Trivia!
Do you know that New York and New Jersey had a boat race—
— to decide who would incorporate Staten Island?
Really? Huh.
You know, I never heard that.
- You calling me a liar? - What?
- Ha, ha! This guy! - Whoa!
Dan, I'm sorry. I'm so clumsy.
Why don't you go to the bathroom and dry off?
- What the? - And Neil, go with him.
Calm him down. - Okay, but I'm also gonna pee
while I'm in there.
Why would you tell me that?
I'm sorry about Dan.
I promise he's usually more grumpy than he is insane.
He's just nervous because he really likes you.
He's got nothing to be nervous about.
You know, it's not like I'm looking for something serious.
I just want to have a little fun.
Ah, fun.
Fun like someone to go bowling with?
- No, like a fling. - Right, a fling.
Like an emotional fling where you support
the other's inner life and embrace each other spiritually?
Like sex, Abby. I'm talking about sex.
Sex like—
Nope, no way to intentionally misinterpret that.
Sex it is!
- Oh. - Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.
Oh, yes, I know, it's going terribly,
but you didn't have to send Neil to the bathroom with me.
He's still in there moving the part in his hair back and forth.
I gotta tell you something about Julianne.
Don't bother. You know what? I'm going home.
I was clearly not ready for a date with a person.
Calling it a night is probably a good idea.
Julianne doesn't want to go slow.
She wants to go fast. Sex fast.
Let's just get out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there.
Just give me a minute to process this.
What is there to process?
I don't think you're ready for this.
What are you gonna do— go home, turn down the lights,
light some candles, and yell boat facts at her?
I-I don't think I've ever told a woman
I don't want to have sex.
I don't even know how that would sound.
Hi, my name is Dan. I don't want to see you naked.
Ooh, that sounds wrong.
Before you jump into anything, just take a minute.
Consider if an empty, meaningless fling
is really what you want.
You're right.
Do you want to get out of here?
Absolutely. Let me get my things.
Oh, we're gonna have so much fun in here.
Okay, check it out—
it's my Hot Mug Shot Guy of the Month calendar.
Who are you more excited for, Cinco de Marco,
or ...
Eight Nights of Shawnukkah?
Gurgs, some of those guys are legit murderers.
Well, I'm not picturing myself on a beach in Aruba
with their rap sheets.
Besides, it's got all our important dates on it—
our birthdays, our officeiversary,
which is today,
our holiday Christmas party.
How about we just, you know,
hold off on the calendar talk for now
and maybe focus on getting a little work done?
We couldn't be more on the same page.
I'm all about work, too.
Actually, can I get your opinion on something?
Imagine you're in the courtroom,
people are milling about,
and then I hit you with, "All rise!"
It's too much bass?
Would you prefer something more of a,
"All rise"?
Well, I'm very sorry that we had to stop at the bodega
for the wine, but, you know, I understand
that this vintage of... Kangaroo Fields Table Red
is a very good year.
Oh, I'm not here for the wine, Dan.
Oh, well, uhhhhh, how 'bout a snack?
You know, I bet that wine would pair well with a—
a Cheeto, uh, or Frito, of Dorito,
any of the 'to snacks. Tostito!
Ah, that has "to" on both ends.
Uh, uh, do you like rain sticks?
How 'bout we move to a different room
with a different stick?
Well, um, oh, you know, I got this
with my late wife, um, Sarah.
It was on our first trip together.
She wanted to, uh—
She wanted to go zip-lining in Costa Rica,
but I didn't want to go to Costa Rica.
I mean, I didn't want to go anywhere
where I had to get a vaccination
for something called Turtle Fever.
But I wanted to make her happy.
Before Sarah, I couldn't— couldn't imagine
putting anyone's needs ahead of mine,
but she changed me.
I mean, uh, the old me would have been very much into this,
but, uh, I'm a different man now.
I realize there's more to life—
Oh, my God!
Please stop talking.
Oh, you really know how to take the fun
out of a revenge plot.
I'm sorry, wait, wait. Revenge plot?
Of course, you don't remember me.
You had the judge throw the book at me
for a little thing like setting my ex-boyfriend's house on fire.
Sorry, wait a minute.
This whole thing was just to get back at me
for a case that happened 30 years ago?
That's right. Now, I have a whole revenge list.
You're between my ex-mother-in-law
and Boost Mobile.
You know, I thought I'd never find you.
But then I saw your name when I was back in court—
uh, different boyfriend, different fire.
Sure. If it ain't broke...
I was gonna steal your identity
and leave you a shell of a man,
but you can't burn a house down twice.
Believe me, I've tried.
Here's your wallet.
And, uh, some advice—
use that money for a shrink or a pint of ice cream
or something, because you need help.
And that's coming from someone who has been diagnosed
as criminally insane.
This isn't my wallet.
Gurgs, close the tarp. We need to talk.
Oh, no. Are you moving out?
Yeah, I realize I'm not really the office-sharing type.
You can have this place.
I'm gonna head down to the solitary-confinement cell.
Could probably get a lot of work done before the madness sets in.
No, you don't have to do that. This is my fault.
I came on too strong. I should be the one to go.
Yeah, it's not you. It's me, really.
I'm just uncomfortable around people.
Makes it hard to get to know you.
Why would you want to get to know me?
'Cause I like you.
I thought this office would be a chance to bring us closer.
But nothing was working.
I got in my head, and my heart was pounding.
And your mouth was doing things
even though your brain kept yelling, "Stop!"
Yes! I thought I was gonna die.
That's how I feel around everyone all of the time!
Oh! We're bonding.
Are we work wives now?
Look at us, like two weird ingredients in the perfect stew.
Oh, no! My other stew!
No, no, no, it's okay.
I turned it off for you.
So what do you say?
Give this another chance?
On one condition.
You explain to me what Nakatomi Plaza is.
I thought you'd never ask.
When last we left our young Die Hard,
he was on a plane.
How'd it go? Nope, not gonna ask.
It's not my business so I don't wanna know—
Nothing happened.
Thank you so much. It was killing me.
Well, nothing in the way that you're thinking,
but very much in the way that I had a minor breakdown
and he tried to rob me.
But I foiled her devious plan by being too sad.
So, you gonna call her again?
I'm sorry I got so involved.
It's possible I may have been living through you
since my entire life is upstate—
my friends, my fiancé, my cow.
I know you paused after cow wanting me to ask,
but I never will.
That's too bad. She's got a rough hide
and a tender heart, just like you.
I just wanted you to find somebody.
Being alone seems kinda hard.
Sometimes.
But you know what made it easier
when she turned out to be a sociopath?
Knowing that if I ever do want to talk,
and I'm not saying that I ever will,
but if I ever did, I could imagine a possible,
though very unlikely scenario,
where I might choose to talk... to you.
Mm-hmm.
You may react.
- Eee! - Oh, don't.
Oh! I can't wait to dig in.
Okay, first up— childhood.
Who's love did you crave, your mom's or your dad's?
To be clear, this is happening no time soon.
- I'm getting dad. - He was a very complicated ma—
No! For right now, we are just two people
who get to hate
all of the un-lonely people around us.
Yeah, like those two.
Jerks.
So annoying.
Being all happy. - Yuck.
It made you feel bad saying that, didn't it?
Yeah, but I want us to have a thing.
Ah.