Alright, everybody, it's court o'clock,
and you made it during Abby Hour.
All decisions half-price.
- Judge, are you limping? - A bit.
I got a little hit by a cab.
And somehow, the driver got angrier than I did.
So still getting the hang of New York, huh?
You know what they say— You're not a real New Yorker
until you pay the guy who just ran you over $45
to drive you to the hospital.
No, you're not a real New Yorker
until you buy a rattrap, a hammer, and an egg sandwich
from a bodega at 1:00 a.m.
First up, the People vs. Caroline Kratz.
The defendant is charged with disorderly conduct
for bringing an uncontained animal onto the subway.
Your Honor, there's a very simple
and extremely legal explanation for this.
It was a service animal.
It was a horse.
A mini-horse. Nay, a seeing-eye mini-horse.
And according to New York vs. Pongo,
mini-horses are allowed on public transit.
Obviously, I got to get a look at this guy.
Upstate, I used to guess horse sizes at the county fair.
And that one is a "big."
Your Honor, um, I call for a mistrial.
I've just learned that the defendant and Ms. Moore
have an existing relationship.
They share a daily commute—
the 5:42 downtown six train at Hunter College Station.
Slow down. I think we just blew right past the big news here.
That the allegedly blind defendant just recognized me?
Oh, no, no, no. She didn't recognize you.
The horse did.
That's my daily commute, too.
Olivia, we're subway buddies.
Really? Well, that's crazy.
Can't believe we haven't seen each other.
I've seen both of you— a bunch of times.
Well, you're not helping.
You know what? We just plead guilty.
How do you put up with her?
I just need a table for one.
Can't you squeeze me in this weekend?
Oh, wait, wait. Did I say that my name is Dan Fielding?
Uh, I meant, uh, it's
Dame Judi Dench.
Can't get a table at a restaurant?
Ah, it's not just any restaurant.
It's Chromosomme.
Oh! I heard about that place.
They use science to design your perfect meal
based on a cheek swab, a hair sample,
and a secret you swore to take to the grave.
The only chance I have to get in there is during the week,
but we're always leaving here late.
I'm all in favor of Abby's empathetic justice,
but not when it gets between me and a risotto
that was genetically engineered for my tongue.
Well, at least you're not gonna have her
following you around on the subway,
trying to make chitchat with her big hick energy.
Yeah, the judge isn't good on the subway.
I rode with her once.
She held the pole and then touched her face so many times.
There's my twin sixter.
'Cause we both take the six train.
She gets it. - Yeah, we got it.
And I watched you stand outside in the hall
till you thought of it.
I'm so excited to spend some more time together.
You could show me the ropes. I'm still a "Newb Yorker."
Okay, that one I can't take credit for.
Someone screamed it in my face when I said "bless you"
after they sneezed on me.
I think I'm gonna have to take the earlier train.
Yeah, sure. Or you know what?
You could move to Denver.
I bet you there are probably lawyers there, too.
Oh, sorry.
People are animals.
Olivia! Hi.
Oh, good. You took the early train, too.
I was worried we'd miss each other
and our work and private lives would stay separate.
Well, apparently, my lease says my super
gets to shower in my apartment on Tuesday nights,
so I like to give him his space.
Classic.
So, are you, um— - We probably shouldn't talk.
There's a serial killer in the city
who targets women who are friends.
No, they caught that guy.
I know 'cause he's my brother.
Oh. I like your earrings.
Keep it in your pants, perv.
What are you doing? Don't talk to people.
Also, don't make eye contact.
Or offer anyone candy.
- Even on Halloween? - You stay inside on Halloween!
I love this.
I'm getting an Olivia master class on New York City.
Promo code— fuhgettaboutit.
- Oh!
We're having a minor technical issue.
Hang tight, everyone.
Well, that's bonus subway buddy time.
So there's really no chance your brother's on this train?
Okay, I talked to the driver,
and there's no update on the maintenance issue.
Also no update on the air-conditioning.
Here's a list of other things there's no update on.
Here's an update— You're not helpful,
and everyone can see your nipples.
Things are getting tense.
Oh, you're not gonna freak out, are you?
You should know, I do not hold hands.
I'm okay. Everything's gonna be fine.
Sure, we've been cut off from the societal norms
that maintain order,
but we're bonded together by something even stronger—
innate human decency.
Stay back, you jackals.
It's my job to deliver this food,
and the restaurant's run by the mob.
There's nothing you can do to me that they won't do worse.
Okay, when the rats come for us— and they will—
I will sell out every last one of you.
I'm sure the decency will set in any minute now.
Nope. We're screwed.
Nothing's holding this together.
The norms are gone. It's subterranean law.
Give me your bag.
What? I can't make a shiv out of any of this!
Where's Olivia?
I don't have the time or energy to learn new names.
You understand what I mean, right, champ?
The six train broke down.
So Abby and Olivia might not make it.
We had to find some people to fill in.
All rise.
Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session.
The Honorable Murray Flobert presiding.
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
That is some good chicken noodle. Mmm!
Is it just me or does this guy have a real, like,
substitute-teacher vibe?
Uh, just an FYI, I have judge's elbow.
So I'm gonna be making the gavel sound with my mouth.
You know, if we work together, we might be able to get, uh,
old Judge Chicken Noodle there to do whatever we want.
I may make it out in time to go to Chromosomme after all.
And I can go to the strip club at night,
when it's like a strip club in a movie.
Not during the day, when it's like a strip club
in a documentary.
Uh, excuse me. What's the Wi-Fi here?
I need it to look up case files.
Also, does anyone have a Netflix password I can borrow?
Also for case stuff.
Or we may not have to do anything at all.
I better call Russ and tell him to get the champagne room ready.
You see Russ, tell him I said hi.
You do know I'm going to a male strip club, right?
Yeah, I had a job before this.
Maybe you need something else to focus on.
I have this great game called "Crab Attack."
Oh, right, my phone's been locked with ransomware
ever since I downloaded "Crab Attack."
Don't act like you're the calm one.
I'm the calm one. I'm in control.
Unless control is an illusion.
I mean, I can't control the subway breaking down
or that the universe is constantly expanding
and I still can't afford a one-bedroom in it!
Hey! What do you think you're doing?
That was my seat. - Your seat?
I didn't realize I was on the train with Princess Von Bench.
Whoa! Let's just not forget our innate human decency.
Abby, stay out of this.
Well, someone's got to do something.
This place is coming apart. - This is not court.
They don't have to listen to you.
You're right.
It's not court.
But it could be. We should have a trial.
I mean, this is just a simple dispute.
We can figure this out together.
It'll give us something else to think about.
You know, I'm actually a judge.
Does anyone else have any legal experience?
I played a dead body on "Law Order."
We've all played a dead body on "Law Order."
You know, "Law Order" is the longest-running show
with an ampersand in the title.
Okay, okay. You like saying things.
You can be the clerk.
And I'm getting some real bailiff vibes
from the way you're guarding that pizza.
Olivia, would you like to be the counsel?
You could think of it as work.
Work is good. I can control work.
Yeah, and you could go up against
the greatest opponent of all.
The sun?
No. Yourself.
You could play both sides.
I'm in.
[ High-pitched voice ] And so am I.
You know I'm not gonna do a voice.
Oh, yes! I got a reservation!
I've only got one case left.
I can get there early and laugh at people
who tested positive for salads.
You'll never guess who's in the courthouse.
Olympic figure skaters turned commentators
turned maybe murderers.
I don't know why they here.
Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski.
They're witnesses in the last case.
Apparently, a figure skater hot-wired a Zamboni
and tried to smush his competition.
Abby would have loved meeting those two.
She's a huge figure-skating fan.
Oh! Maybe we can stall until she gets here.
Stall? Are you crazy? I've got a dinner reservation.
So your fancy dinner is more important than your friend?
This is not just a dinner.
This is a meal that Scientific American
called a "heinous waste of stem cells."
Fine. I don't need you.
I can slow this court down on my own.
Careful, Gurgs, you're messing with powers
that you couldn't possibly understand.
I have no idea what that means, but I'll figure it out.
So we doing this case or not?
- Not if I can help it. - Absolutely.
Don't make me choose a side. You're both my friends.
- Not if I can help it. - Absolutely.
Are we ready to begin?
Uh, yes, Your Honor, we are,
and there's nothing anybody can do to stop us.
Uh-oh. This says my wife called.
And it's an emergency.
Well, it always is with that one.
Anyway, let's start.
Bang, bang!
So that's your great stalling move, Gurgs?
You know, I expected more from you.
What can I say, Dan? I'm all out of moves.
Okay, Clerk, call the last case.
Where's the clerk? - Well, look at that.
I had more moves.
We don't need Neil.
He's just a sentient clipboard anyway.
I can call the case.
I wish that were true, Your Honor,
but it's like the regular judge says,
"You can't work without a clerk."
Well, that does rhyme.
You might as well get comfortable, Dan.
You're gonna be here a while,
because I can assure you there's no way you're finding Neil.
Hello, Neil.
Hiding a clerk in women's holding—
the oldest trick in the book.
Don't call me Neil.
Linda says my name is Sweets now.
This man bothering you, Sweets?
Would you please open this door, let him out?
Come on, Sweets.
I can't. My legs are asleep.
Man, this meal better be worth it.
Get up, get up, get up.
What— Hey!
I'm sorry.
Gurgs said if I didn't help her,
she'd tell everyone where I do stand-up.
Well, that's more of a threat to us than to you.
Well, well, well.
Looks like the Penn has become the Teller.
You have gone too far.
You can't lock me in here with Neil and...
these charming ladies.
Looks like it's Linda's lucky day.
Sweets and Sour.
- Uh, uh...
Six Train Downtown Local is now in session.
The honorable judge This Lady presiding.
Alright, let's "baguette" it on.
Your Honor, the defendant brazenly stole this woman's seat
when she stood to stretch.
And we all know the rule—
If the butt's still near, I'm a-sittin' here.
Don't be fooled by the prosecution's big-city rhymes.
Yeah, I'll give it to her, she is gorgeous and well-dressed.
But the facts are on my side.
I recall at the time of the event,
I had a clear view of the butt and the seat,
and there was separation.
But surely some amount of separation is acceptable.
Maybe some separation, but it's six inches, tops.
Ma'am, I'm gonna need to commandeer your sandwich
in the name of justice.
It's more than six inches.
Objection! The sandwich has a bite out of it.
I'll allow it.
- Look, I'm not unreasonable.
I'd give up my seat to an old lady or someone pregnant.
Interesting you'd say that.
What if I told you Rita is pregnant?
That's right. I do have sex.
Let me ask you,
what's the due date? - They're always wrong.
- Gender? - It's a post-gender society.
What'd you have for lunch today?
- Sushi and bologna. - Gross!
But also, gotcha.
Pregnant women can't eat either of those things.
Fine. I don't actually have sex.
Happy now?
The jury has returned the verdict.
And they have decided that the pregnant one
and nipples should kiss.
You know what? I'll just rule.
On the charge of subway seat theft, I find the defendant—
No. Stop the train! Stop the—
We haven't heard which one of me won!
You're in luck, Judge.
This court has the largest active VHS collection
in the continental United States.
And once Alaska falls, we'll stand alone.
Oh, there are some good flicks in here.
Now, where's the remote?
'Cause I like to fast-forward through the scary parts.
- Looking for this? - How did you get out?
I jimmied the lock with the underwire from Linda's bra.
Well, I anticipated your escape,
and that's why I scheduled a tornado drill
to start in 3, 2—
One thing you've overlooked, Gurgs,
is I have powerful friends in the Tornado Marshal's office,
and I rescheduled that drill till your birthday,
just as they wheel out the cake.
Something you overlooked is, last year,
I wished for no tornado drills on my birthday.
But now you said the wish out loud.
You monster.
I'll give it to you, Gurgs. You know how this place works.
But nobody knows it better than me.
Then you know there's a water main behind that wall,
and if it were to somehow break,
the cleanup would be quite time-consuming.
Where's the remote?
This is one of those scary parts.
Gurgs, I'm not gonna try and stop you,
because unlike the wife of the man who built this place,
you love this building too much to put an ax in its chest.
You win, Dan. Enjoy your dinner.
I hope your scallops are saltier than Abby's tears
when she hears she missed a chance
at meeting ice-skating royalty.
There won't be any scallops.
I already know that my personalized menu
will rely heavily on an endangered species.
It's always been a dream of mine to eat the last of something.
Hi. Dan Fielding.
I just want to say that I have a great deal of respect
for Olympics athletes.
Your ability to work only once every four years— incredible.
Now, this is a man with presence.
It's like a daring mix of stateliness
and "I couldn't care less" energy
that is just so exciting to watch.
Well, he's known as the bad boy of the courtroom
for a reason, T. - Mm-hmm.
The passion, the fire, the pageantry.
You know, we live for pageantry. - For pageantry.
Wow. Wonderful.
So may I ask what you two were talking to our bailiff about?
She asked us to stick around for her friend,
but, I mean, if we stayed every time a bailiff
asked us to meet someone,
we'd never have time to form this remarkable friendship.
Also, full disclosure, we have an early breakfast
with Michelle Kwan and Ewan McGregor.
Have I said too much?
Ah, don't— No, don't worry.
We'll get you out of here so fast
that you'll be accused of cheating.
You know what I mean? Okay.
Hey, Gurgs, listen, I am sorry that Abby is gonna not be here.
But, you know, meeting your heroes isn't always great.
When I was 10, I met my favorite astronaut,
and she screamed and bit my hand.
But in the commander's defense, she was a squirrel monkey.
I get that meeting a celebrity might not be a big deal
for someone who's met some of our nation's greatest monkeys.
But it's hard being new in town.
Your whole life, you hear about how magical New York is,
and when you get here, it's just scaffolding and weird puddles.
And when something magical finally does happen,
like Macho Man Randy Savage coming to your courtroom,
well, you miss it 'cause it's the one day you took off work
and no one even bothers to page you.
Your hero is Macho Man Randy Savage?
Oh, yeah!
I-I just wanted to look out for Abby
the way I wish someone had looked out for me.
Last case— People vs. Shawn Pierce.
I see here the defendant is pleading no contest
to misdemeanor assault.
Based on the witness statements
provided by national treasures Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir—
hey!-- I will let the defendant off with a $100 fine.
Case dis— - Your Honor, the defense
would like to call a time-out.
But I was about to make my gavel noise.
Whoa. Dan Fielding making a bold and daring move.
No one was expecting this.
Let's listen in. Will he stick this landing?
We're gonna be amending our plea to not guilty
and calling a bunch of witnesses,
so if anybody has a pre-paid and pre-tipped dinner reservation,
well, they can kiss that goodbye.
So for our first witness, we'd like to call
man sucking milk out of the bag.
For your first time getting stuck on a subway,
you handled it pretty well.
Honestly, it wasn't that different
from when I was trapped in a corn maze.
That scarecrow and I had some good times.
Though I think, on some level,
we both knew what we had was fleeting,
and that's what made it so special.
Well, you definitely kept it from getting ugly in there.
So you think this gets me closer
to being a real New Yorker?
Eh, who knows what a real New Yorker even is?
All I know is, this is a city of weirdos,
and your relentless positivity
makes you one of the weirdest people I ever met.
Olivia, thank you.
You're gonna be just fine.
Fine enough to be your subway buddy?
No.
You don't know the defendant at all,
but your parents named you Stefanie with an "F."
Why don't you take us all down that road for a second.
I've heard enough. Defense rests.
Hold on. I have a question.
Johnny, Tara, do you think it's too late for me
to learn how to skate?
Abby, look who's here.
- Abby Stone? - Tara, Johnny, hi!
Flawless entrance.
Nobody walks into a room better than Abby Stone.
Wait a minute. You know each other?
Of course. I see them every year at Freezing Man.
It's like Burning Man but for winter sports,
and instead of drugs, we're high on ice pageantry.
So hold on a second.
You made me miss the meal of a lifetime
so that Abby could meet people she's already met?
For a conversation I overheard her having with someone else,
I got pretty close.
- Oh, we've got to go.
Some idiot gave up their reservation at Chromosomme.
Ooh! Would you like to join us for dinner, Your Honor?
Oh, hell yeah!
Bang, bang! Court is adjourned.
Here. You can have my chicken noodle.
Let's go, let's go. Excuse me.
I'm sorry you missed your special dinner.
But as a friend, I think I know you better than science, so—
Gurgs, hog's head cheese,
stewed chicken feet, fried gizzards.
Oh!
It's a feast fit for a king.
These are all the weird swamp delicacies
you grew up on in Louisiana.
You know what? I'd call your description rude,
but my favorite restaurant growing up
was called Swamp Delicacies.
Oh. It was very fancy.
You could pick your own live gator from a tank.
Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thank you so much
for stalling court for me.
It was— Yo, are those gizzards?
- Yes! - Let me in there!
Come on, sit down.
Feet for everybody. Ha-ha!
Come on. - Mnh-mnh.
I ain't— Ugh!
- City folk. - City folk.