- Happy Chris-wanza-kah Solstice
for the winter spirits, everyone.
- You left out Boxing Day and Flobert's Canadian by marriage.
- If we weren't such tolerant people,
I'd be taking my nog in the hall.
- Open my gifts next.
Why aren't you opening?
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg pearls.
And they're court worn.
- The criminal records
of the meanest mean girls in my law school.
- Holy cow. Dave & Buster's gift cards!
That's my favorite restaurant andmy favorite store.
- Gift giving — sorta my thing.
I haven't given a bad one since 2013
when I got my cousin that trip to rock star fantasy camp.
How was I supposed to know there'd be so many STDs?
- And now for the Dan finale!
It will have to wait because your gift still isn't here yet.
So I guess we just go work.
- Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. I haven't given out my gifts.
- Well, I guess we didn't expect gifts from you,
based on your core nature and everything you've done
in your life up to this point.
- Shows you what you know.
- Scratch-off lottery tickets. You shouldn't have.
And I suspect, almost didn't.
- And you signed the back,
because who doesn't love an autograph?
- The signature guarantees that I get a cut of the winnings.
You know, it's the thought that counts,
and, well, I think I deserve more money.
- I don't buy it, Dan.
You get caught up in the holiday spirit
just like the rest of us.
- I suppose there is something magical
about this time of year. - Why are you smiling?
I mean, it's what I wanted, but now that it's happening, yikes!
- Tonight, a lot of people's Christmases
are gonna be ruined because of you.
And I think that's fun.
But to put it in more festive terms,
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the court,
there were sex workers and muggers, of every odd sort.
There were pub-crawling Santas and pickpockets and drifters,
and a pretty tough knife-fight between two angry re-gifters.
The festive old Judge, who just loved the season,
was crushed all night long by hard facts and cold reason.
She wanted to be Rudolph, or maybe a cartoon St. Bernard,
but because it's her job, she had to Grinch it real hard.
Despite a perfect defense, off to prison they'll head.
Merry Chris-wanker-whatever
and all that sugary crap, she said.
- Okay. He did a whole poem.
That guy totally likes Christmas!
When a kid sets a series of elaborate traps
to catch burglars, it's "Home Alone."
When a grown man does it to a Postmate, it's a "Saw" movie.
Enjoy jail, ya filthy animal.
- When I was a kid, I reverse Home Alone'd.
I left my family and went to France.
- That's disappointing. The last three guys pulled off
the old, "But Your Honor, it's Christmas."
- Sorry to ruin your poem, Dan,
but this isn't bothering me at all.
Your rhyme should have gone something like
"'Twas the night before Christmas,
and Dan was a jerk... at work."
There's no way you came up with all that on the spot.
- The People vs. Tess Potter.
- The defendant is charged with disturbing the peace.
She tried to lead an uprising against a mall Santa
she accused of taking too many breaks.
- Your Honor, Miss Potter and her daughter
were standing in line for three hours
waiting to see Mr. Kringle.
Oh, did I mention that her daughter has rosy cheeks
and an adorable lisp?
And this is her first Christmas...
since the divorce.
- Objection. - Pandewing.
- I sympathize, but I'm not sure
that the best way to capture the holiday spirit
is to "bust into Santa's dumb little house
and drag his fat ass back to work."
- She did not know that Santa's little house
was also his bathroom.
- I needed her to meet Santa
so I could find out what she wants for Christmas.
She thinks if she tells anyone else, it won't come true.
- Those are birthday candle rules.
- Her father told her that's how it worked,
to screw with me before he left for Cabo with his new girlfriend
and her parents who are my age.
- I know you're having a hard time,
but you also traumatized a group of kids
and the free sample guy from Orange Julius.
So $500 fine. - But, Your Honor...
Here it comes!
- ... it's Christmas.
- Aren't you supposed to be watching me
until my mom gets back from processing?
- You're good. I got to keep refreshing.
My perfect gift streak is in jeopardy,
because Dan's present still hasn't shown up.
- What did you get him?
- A video message from his hero, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
- I guess that's okay.
- Gurgs? I need a favor.
This is a witness in a case later.
She thinks she's the Ghost of Christmas Present,
and I got to keep an eye on her.
- Until you appreciate the true meaning of Christmas!
- Until I can get her a psych evaluation.
Can you watch her for me? - I'd love to,
but I've got to watch Virginia.
I mean, I guess we could trade.
- Kid or delusional ghost?
Let's go, bathrobe.
- That kid's stuck here on Christmas Eve?
Oh, I wish there was something I could do.
- You know, before you feel too bad, just know that her dad
is definitely coming back from Cabo with cornrows.
She can't blame you for that.
- Sorry, Dan. I wasn't listening.
I gotta go save Christmas.
- Hey. I think you could pull off cornrows.
- Hey, you're not a good friend.
- Miss Potter.
I think I can get your daughter's Christmas list.
- Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.
Getting her list and waiving my fine?
It was worth a shot.
I'm gonna go check the lost and found for wedding rings,
'cause apparently those things don't mean anything any more.
- Hi, Virginia. I'm Abby. - Nice to meet you.
- Hmm. No lisp.
Dan!
I'm really sorry that you didn't get to talk to Santa,
but I might be the next best thing.
- You're an elf?
- No, I'm — I'm not an elf.
- Then why are you tiny and look like my keychain?
- I'm a judge, and I got Santa Claus connections,
so is there anything that you'd like me to give to him?
Maybe a letter? - I already gave him my letter
when I saw him in the cafeteria. - Oh, that's smart.
Let's go see if he has any follow-ups.
Here's a room full of holiday spirit.
And that spirit appears to be mostly vodka.
- All right, Virginia.
Which one of these Santas did you give your letter to?
Is it that one taking a table nap,
or that one all cozied up on the ground?
- Where did all these Santas come from?
- Well, every year, the city's drunks gather together
for a gin-soaked freak fest known as SantaCon.
- Maybe she's too young to learn about SantaCon.
- Fair enough.
Virginia, these are Santa's body doubles.
Are you familiar with Saddam Hussein?
- I got an idea.
Why don't you take Virginia somewhere else
and I'll track down the real Santa?
- This is gonna be harder than that "Where's Waldo?"
when he went to the candy cane factory.
Bottom left corner!
- Behold!
That woman texting loved ones at this joyous time of year.
Kind of makes you want to change your miserly ways, huh?
You know
don't take this the wrong way, but you're not much of a ghost.
You're just looking around the room
and telling me things that are happening.
- In the Christmas present,
nudging you towards your Christmas epiphany.
- Here's my epiphany — You're only here
because you witnessed a peeping tom
spying on his ex-girlfriend from a fire escape.
- I would have been up there, too,
but I dropped my turkey leg.
Oh, behold! Another person on their phone!
- I need some water. - I'll go with you.
I have to wash my turkey leg.
- Why would you care about germs if you're a ghost?
- Your website said my Kareem video would be here by now.
What could be possibly be the hold... up?
Ooh, uh, let me call you back. Mr. Abdul-Jabbar.
You're not a video. - You're Gurgs, right?
I was so moved by what you wrote about your friend,
I decided to give this "angel on earth"
the best present ever —
me.
- Wow. Now your gift is going to be way better!
- Kareem, would you be a lamb
and straighten that ceiling tinsel?
- On it.
- Virginia, we are capital-F Fudged.
Dan's gonna hate this. - Why?
You said he loves Kareem.
- Yeah, on a tiny screen, not in person.
Dan hates people.
That's why my video was perfect.
Dan would get to hold a living legend
in the palm of his hand, mute and unmute
this titan at will, like a God.
That's how Dan gets his kicks.
Not by meeting somebody richer and taller than him!
- So, the deal is I help you pat down a roomful
of over-served Santas looking for some kid's Christmas list.
And to sweeten the deal, I get nothing in return?
- Well, you could get this ticket back.
- Ooh! I've got a bag full of tickets.
- Lenny, can we have the hall?
You're right. You do have a lot of tickets.
Do any of them have...
Double plums!
- Yeah, that's right.
Looks like we're on our way to a real nice ticket here.
Be a damn shame if something were to happen to it.
Wh—
Abracadabra Stone, you look at me.
Double plums — that's one plum away from $1 million.
Could be ours, Abby — yours and mine.
- Help me save this little girl's Christmas,
and the ticket's yours.
Refuse, and I roast your plums.
Oh.
- Do I look like someone who loves money more than Christmas?
- No. It disgusts me.
- All right. Did a letter girl give you a letter tonight?
- This is the worst date I've ever been on.
Your dad seems cool.
- I think most of this is drugs.
- If it is, the elves put 'em in there without my knowledge.
- Yes, I am a man of size. Yes, I have a lush beard.
Must I therefore be accosted
every time I wear my favorite athleisure suit?
- At least you get cookies.
- What I want is some damn respect!
- If you wanna talk to Santa, you know what you have to do.
- Do you have the letter or not?
- I do not.
- Hey, hey, hey.
This is stupid.
We're not gonna get anywhere like this.
There are like 30 Santas left in here.
- We could skip the ones with the face tattoos.
- Oh, fine. There are 26 Santas left in here.
- Naughty! - Ow! What the hell was —
- Naughty. Naughty.
Nice. - Hey!
- Naughty.
- Virginia had one of these elf keychains.
He must be her Santa.
- Yeah, his keychain looks just like —
- I'm not an elf!
- Just answer the question.
Did you get a letter from a little girl?
- Yeah, I got a letter. But why would it help you?
You're the lady who found me guilty.
I want my lawyer. - I am your lawyer.
- What if we gave you this? - Holy crap. Two plums.
- Hey, those are my plums.
All right, fine. The ticket for the letter.
- Here, take it.
- You know what? It really doesn't matter.
If it's a winner, I still get half.
It's a perfect system.
- Wait. This isn't a letter from a little girl.
It's a cease and desist from a strip club called "Litty Girls."
- Ah! Elf shoe?
Thanks for nothing!
Naughty. Naughty. - Hey, hey, hey!
I hope you get stuck in a chimney!
All right, well, so much for that.
- Dan? - Huh?
- I think I figured out a way
that we can get Virginia's Christmas list.
- Oh, great. You know what? I'd love to help you,
but it is Christmas Eve,
and I have a date with my empty apartment.
- I'm running out of places to hide Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
He's not gonna leave until he meets Dan Fielding,
so I need you to be Dan Fielding.
- No problem. I know Dan.
Every mannerism, every facial tick.
I will become Dan Fielding.
- Dan wasn't in there. I asked everyone.
- Um, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
- Hey.
I'm Murray Flobert.
Do you think it's too late for me to learn basketball?
Wait. I wasn't supposed to say my name.
Oh, well. Good luck with your play, Gurgs.
- You're making me rethink everything.
Maybe I do rely too much on
the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future.
Am I the worst one?
Sorry I don't travel back in time.
Sorry I can't throw an old man in his own grave!
- Excuse me.
I'm just gonna escape for a second.
How's your night going, Gurgs? Oh, mine?
Oh, I've thrown a ghost into an existential crisis
by pointing out that she is not magic.
- Hey, I know what that's like.
Sometimes it felt like it didn't matter what I did
on the court, everybody loved Magic.
- I guess we have a lot in common, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
- Jingle bell, jingle bell...
squid.
Who chooses these images?
- Hey, Dan, check me out.
This is how I'm gonna get Virginia's Christmas list.
- Hi, someone call for a psych consult?
- The consult is no longer necessary.
You can just take her away.
- So, how is this cry for help
going to get you the girl's Christmas list?
- Virginia already thinks I'm an elf, so —
- Because you love cookies and use a tiny hammer
and work on a bench?
- Yeah, I guess I do have a lot of elf qualities.
- Not to mention your height.
- My height is completely average.
I can show you studies... from the 1800s.
Look, I know it's a long shot, but with a little bit of luck
and a little bit of magic...
- Ho, ho, ho!
What are you doing?
- Uh, I was just — Dan, Dan, do that again.
- Do what again?
Ho, ho, ho!
- You're right. I-I don't need to be an elf
to get her list because you're Santa.
Virginia was with you
when you met with her mom in the cafeteria.
- You don't think I'd remember a small child giving me a letter?
- Not if the kid was nervous to give it to the big man himself,
so she put it in his sack. - Sack?
That is Corinthian leather.
- Virginia's letter.
Dan Fielding, you saved Christmas.
- You are an elf!
How else would you be best friends with Santa?
- Oh, you think Santa and the elves are friends?
- Santa, we have a special guest.
We wouldn't want to spoil anything for her
on the most magical night of the year.
Ho, ho, ho.
Yes, I was just telling my little elf friend here, Naggy,
what a good girl you've been.
Naggy, why don't you show us
that elf dance you're so famous for?
- Well, I would love to, but I can't dance without music.
So, Santa, why don't you sing us your favorite Christmas song?
- A ho, ho.
Well, it's gonna sound a lot like
the song "Tequila" by The Champs.
5, 6, 7, 8.
- Mom, this is the best Christmas ever!
I met Santa and a 19-time NBA All-Star!
- And your dad's new girlfriend got flipped on a Jet Ski!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
- Did you find my ghost?
- No, did you find my Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
- No.
- Uh, excuse me, Miss Moore?
I'm here to evaluate the witness you have in custody.
- Oh, this is gonna be so much paperwork.
I should have just watched the kid.
Kids aren't so bad.
- Epiphany!
- What are you doing back there?
- I dropped my turkey leg, and I repeat, epiphany.
- Oh, yes, Spirit.
You — You have changed my ways.
- And I did it all by myself! Screw you, other ghosts.
Come on, Doc. I'm on a roll.
Get ready to hear about some stuff that is happening.
Ha!
- Sorry. I was teaching Flobert how to dribble.
- Uh, Kareem, you are the most interesting person alive,
and you deserve to know the truth.
- I'm never going to meet Dan Fielding.
- I know that. How do you know that?
- No, I mean I refuse to meet that man.
I heard he only gives gifts that make him money.
And his daughter stole the shoe-shine guy's elf costume.
- Kareem, this isn't about Dan.
It's about my perfect gift streak.
- So, you're all selfish.
You know, the more you pass the ball, the more you score.
- Is that true? - Oh, God, no,
but everyone else around here is lying.
- Okay, okay. You can clearly sing.
What you can't do is be naked in the park
unless you're a horse.
Take them away.
- If you ask me, some of those horses should be wearing pants.
- Dan? - Hmm?
- I know you're still waiting for my incredible gift.
But I just have to tell you... I got you nothing.
- Nothing? Nothing at all?
Oh, G—
Sorry.
I was getting a little choked up.
- Because for you, the perfect gift is nothing.
Oh! Now you don't have to thank anybody
or owe anybody or any of that stuff you hate.
I feel seen.
Streak's still alive.
- Counsel. Please approach the bench.
You big softy.
I saw you having cookies in the cafeteria with Virginia.
- Oh, yeah, well, it was delightful. She paid.
Did you get the list to her mother?
- I did. She wants princess sheets
and her mom and dad to get back together.
- Hmm.
- So I think she's getting sheets.
- Last case of the night —
the People vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
- Your Honor, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar and his accomplice
were caught lurking on Patrick Ewing's fire escape.
- Let me do the talking, Kareem.
- How's it going? Big fan.