- Wyatt said he's running late. He's on a date.
- Aww, cute. So are they.
- Would you stop that, please?
We are just two sophisticates
who happen to have common interests,
and we engage in elevated discourse.
- I warmed up these bad boys under the hand dryer
in the men's room.
- Hey, you know what?
I got us a burger we could split.
The bun is a quesadilla. - Come on.
- You guys are adorable.
Eating like a couple teenagers headed to the electric chair.
- Hey, everyone.
- You have your own roller skates?
- Yep - We get it.
You're the fun one now.
- I skated here from a date at the roller rink.
I realized I was late for work, and as I was putting on my shoes
without wheels, I thought, "What are you doing, dummy?"
- That a doggy bag? What's in it?
- You wouldn't be interested. It's roller-rink cheese —
- Burger, dip, or fountain?
- Jackpot. Cheesecake.
This is turning into a two-table day.
- Get it. Get it.
- You will never guess who is here.
It's Pellino from Pellino & Carnes.
The lawyer's with all the commercials.
- I love their jingle.
That song is dangerously catchy.
They sued the guy who wrote it.
- They sound like the stereotype
of what everyone thinks a horrible lawyer is —
ambulance chasing, morally bankrupt.
- Yeah, but not bankruptbankrupt,
and that's what intrigues me.
I've been slipping and falling all over this city
trying to meet him. And he's heading this way.
- Mikey Pellino.
You guys keep doing what you're doing,
and when your hearts explode,
I'm going to make your wallets explode.
- Let me ask you a question.
If just hisheart explodes, do I still get paid?
- Oh, after all that food,
my stomach is creaking like an old ship.
I could use an Alka-Seltzer, but I hate the taste.
- Come on, man, you got to take care of yourself.
- Yeah. - Drop them in a milkshake.
- Oh.
That's a good idea.
- I think it's great the two of you have a thing,
but maybe bond over a salad once in a while
so you don't go halfsies on a hearse.
- Thank you for your concern, but we're fine.
I'm, well, of course, me, and Flobert is healthy as a horse.
- Well, he is panting like he just ran the Kentucky Derby.
- Whew! Is this courtroom uphill?
- Any doctor will tell you
he shouldn't be eating all that stuff.
- Oh, please. Doctors. All they tell you
is that everything you like will kill you.
Meanwhile, the oldest woman in the world
has never seen a hospital bathes in vodka
and eats cigarettes every morning for breakfast.
- And I don't trust those scalpel jockeys.
Always trying to get me to donate my organs.
When I die, my butt's coming with me.
- Flobert, don't nobody want a butt with that many miles on it.
- When you do die,
promise me you'll do it on government property.
- Olivia Moore. 5'6". Gemini.
I put the cute in prosecutor.
- Mikey Pellino. Pellino & Carnes.
If you ever want to sue your parents
for making you too beautiful.
- When I was 9, I threatened legal action
on grounds of cruel and unusual bowl cut.
- Girl, I think I'm falling for you. And I ought to know.
Most of the people that I talk to are on the ground.
- I hear wedding sirens.
- Hey, Wyatt, you're a guy
who's been around the roller rink a few times.
I was just looking at my ex-fiancé's Instagram.
If a guy posts a picture raking leaves with a woman,
that doesn't mean they're dating, right?
- No, it doesn't mean anything.
Except he's bad at Instagram.
- And this one where they're in bed?
- I take that back. He's good at Instagram.
- So great. Rand found someone.
I mean, not surprised. He's a wonderful guy.
Little faster than I thought, but I'm happy for him.
My eye just twitches when I'm happy for people.
- It's fine if you're not.
I didn't handle it great when my ex-wife moved on.
A barista said, "Flat white for Wyatt,"
but I heard, "I never satisfied her in bed."
- I really am fine with it.
I was the one who broke it off 'cause over the years,
I changed, and it started to feel like I was settling.
She looks like she's happy to settle with him
under the quilt I made.
- I'm not great at changing the subject,
but first up...
the people versus Roscoe Verma.
The defendant was involved in an altercation
over a jar of pickles at the Union Square Farmers Market.
- Mr. Verma instigated a melee
that led to him being tossed into a display of Amish gourds.
The charges are destruction of property and defiling a pumpkin.
- Not on purpose. I landed on it wrong.
- Your honor, the only thing my client is guilty of
is enthusiasm.
Trevnick Pickles are the city's finest.
And this was the last jar at the farmer's market.
I posit that perhaps the pickle purveyor
prompted this predicament by producing
and promoting this peerless pickle
despite a paucity of product for the pumped pickle public.
Proceed.
- This must be some pickle.
Got to sample the evidence.
This pickle is not great.
In fact, it's bad.
Poor cucumber, what did they do to you?
- With all due respect, that is the perfect pickle.
Clearly, you don't know when you have something fantastic
right under your nose.
- Excuse me?
- Whoa, your eye is going nuts.
- I know a good thing when it's in front of me.
Are you telling me that you would really choose this pickle,
forsaking all others for as long as you shall live?
- I do.
- I always cry at weddings.
- Can you believe that guy?
Saying I don't know something's great
when it's right under my nose?
That pickle was straight-up junk.
- Is there a chance this isn't about pickles?
Maybe you're feeling a little weird
because your ex is seeing someone and you're not.
Are you on any dating apps?
- Almost. I'm still fine-tuning my profile.
Like, what picture do I go with?
Strong and sexy?
Girl next door?
Or cousin but worth it?
- Forget the apps.
This is a city full of possibilities.
Get out there and find one that makes you happy.
- You're absolutely right.
There's no point in sitting here and spinning out over this.
- That's what I'm saying.
- I got to get out there, take some risks,
put my heart on the line.
- Yes, Judge. I'm with you 1,000%.
- Great. That settles it.
We're gonna find the best damn pickle in New York City.
- So glad we sort of had this talk.
- Wow.
I'm assuming that black card was paid for by black ice.
- Speaking of breaking the ice, are you free tomorrow night?
I know this little Italian place.
It overlooks the most dangerous intersection in SoHo.
- That sounds lovely. Nothing like candlelight,
a little vino, and the sound of pedestrians screaming,
"Wait, don't!"
- I mean, did Cupid just hit us with an arrow?
- I certainly hope so, 'cause I've always wanted
to sue a baby.
- Olivia, meet the man behind the ampersand.
This is my partner, Calvin Carnes.
I was just telling her about DiVitello's.
- Pellino's taking me there tomorrow night.
- Tomorrow night?
Garsh, bud, don't we have that working dinner
to talk about the toilet-alligator case?
We're alligator litigators.
- And we're suing the sewers.
Thanks, Pellino & Carnes. - Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.
- Well, maybe I could help with the case.
- Alligators — thick snout or thin?
- Thick. Thin is crocodiles.
- Ooh, she's good, Carnes. What do you say?
- I don't know. I just don't want you to feel
like a third wheel. Ooh, speaking of which,
I saw a school bus out front with a wobbly front tire.
Let's go put the class in class action.
- A man's got to sue what a man's got to sue.
- Well, at least I still have his number.
- I'm going to need that.
- Come on, Dan, he's eating Fritos now?
- His cakes aren't here yet.
I knew you wouldn't let this go.
That's why I'm having a doctor give him a full medical workup.
- That's the doctor?
I fingerprinted him.
He's being charged with malpractice.
Also, he's a veterinarian.
- Relax, Gurgs. We're fine. - Fine?
Flobert couldn't even make it up a flight of stairs.
Last time the elevator broke, he paid the window washers
to give him a ride up from the street.
- So, what, now it's against the law to want fresh air?
Flobert could totally climb a flight of stairs.
- Prove it. If he can, I'll shut up.
If he can't, you both go see a doctor.
- Take that bet, Dan. I go up stairs all the time.
At the airport. The mall.
- Airport and mall? These stairs happen to move?
- What's your point?
- I think he's talking about an escala—
- I know he's talking about an escalator.
- Here's something you learn riding the subway
with 64 jars of pickles —
rats love 'em.
- Of course rats love them. These are all garbage.
If they were on a barge and it sank,
they'd have to close the beaches.
- There she is. My favorite gal pal.
You look like someone with no plans this weekend.
- You call tasting and ranking 37 different types
of pickles on dependability,
bendability, and blendability no plans?
- Everybody does.
So why don't you and I go to dinner? Hm?
I just heard about this great Italian place, DiVitello's.
Oh, people are dying to get in there.
And dying nearby.
- Judge, it might be good for you to get out
before things get really weird.
After my breakup, I got so into taxidermy
and now I eat breakfast across from three skunks
posed like "Charlie's Angels."
- This is a great idea. The two of us out for a meal.
No stress, no big decisions.
Just friends hanging out.
Wait, why are you pretending to listen to me?
Ah, there it is.
- What are the odds that Pellino would be
in the restaurant he said he'd be at?
Huh.
Well, as long as we're here,
I guess you should go distract Carnes
so I can be with Pellino.
- This isn't how I pictured my first date after Rand.
- That'd be a great start to your maid-of-honor speech
at my wedding. - I get to be your maid of honor?
- If you come with me. Pellino! Over here.
It's Olivia, from court.
- This is so nice. I love a surprise.
Be it lovely ladies or faulty scaffolding.
- The only thing I like structurally sound
are the men I date.
- The arrabbiata is great here. Do you like spicy?
- I do like spicy.
That is one thing I know for sure.
- Well, then you are in for a —
- Just so you know what you're getting into,
I like spicy now, but that could change.
So the answer is yes now. And no. Maybe.
I currently like spicy unless eventually I do not.
Final answer — I don't want to be boxed in.
- Well, you know, being boxed in
is actually the number-one cause of death
for magician's assistants.
- Number two — real saws.
- Flat or sparkling? - I'd love sparkling.
- Actually, no, uh, flat.
Um, the — the splatling.
Um, it's just so hard to know.
I mean, what if I start off drinking flat
and then all of a sudden want some bubbles?
Or what if I get bubbles,
and then three years into this dinner,
bubbles just aren't doing it for me?
- Here, take my glass, and you can have both and end this.
- You know what? I'm just going to go see if they have milk.
Milk's simple. Wait. No.
Cow? Oat? Almond?
You guys just order without me.
- Pellino, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
She's had a...
head injury. - Head injury.
I'm sorry. I have to take this.
- Nice try, by the way.
You think you're the first gussied-up law-bird
to try to weasel their way between me and Pellino?
- I'm never going to let that happen.
- Did it ever occur to you that I could make him happier
than money ever could?
Yeah, I know, that's insane, but I had to say something
'cause I felt like you had a whole speech and a song.
- A cab just crashed through the window of SoulCycle.
They were pedaling as fast as they could,
but they just couldn't get out of the way.
- Sorry to leave you all alone, but my partner needs me.
- So you dumped a hot-dog cart into the Central Park Reservoir
to try and catch the Loch Ness Monster?
- Aye.
Great gobs of meat are the only way
to get Nessie to the surface.
- $50 fine for littering.
You're lucky I'm not booking you for public monster baiting.
- How was your dinner?
- It wasn't a dinner. It was a double date.
And jumping right in was not a good idea.
- At least it got you out.
It's not like tasting pickles was a huge success.
- I couldn't agree more. - Thank God that's over.
- And that's why we're going to makethe perfect pickle.
- So communicating is not our thing.
- Wyatt, if we pull this off,
people will talk about what we did here.
- Tomorrow morning at 9:00 A.M., I'll be telling my therapist.
So you're just springing double dates on people?
- I'll do whatever I have to to get Pellino alone.
But he and Carnes are inseparable.
It's like Carnes is just always one step ahead of me.
- But also somehow one step behind you.
Face it, there's not a move you can make
that I don't know about.
- You sure about that?
'Cause tonight I'm surprising Pellino with tickets
to the new Britney Spears show.
- We just got out of the matinee.
Oops, I did it again.
- Well, next Saturday we're going to the Yankees game.
- Saturday is the New York Advertising Awards
We're up for loudest commercial.
And we're a lock!
- Well, I know a private chef.
- You knewa private chef.
So sorry for your loss.
- This obituary is from tomorrow.
- Alright, Flobert, this is going to be a piece of cake.
And I mean that literally.
Now, go get it.
- I'm ready. I stretched, I hydrated —
- Did you get a body transplant?
- Alright, let's go. I want you to stagger like the wind.
- Yeah.
I'm doing it. I'm walking up the stairs.
- Uh-huh. In your caring face, Gurgs.
Me! "S"! "A"!
Me. "S."A."
Flobert, wake up, wake up.
Wake up, wake up. - Oh. Aah!
- Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. - What happened?
- When you looked at the steps, you passed out.
And somehow asked for a snack on the way down.
Would you two just go see a doctor?
Human, witch, Dre — I don't care,
just as long as it isn't a veterinarian.
- Absolutely not. We're gonna make it up these stairs
if it kills him and me.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
One. Get it, get it.
- Oh! - Ooh.
- I popped my ankle.
It's an old football-watching injury.
Oh, Gurgs, don't just stand there.
Get me to a doctor.
- That's what I've been trying to tell you.
- Come on. Alright, listen,
I'll come back for you. - Thank you, Dan.
- Yeah, I was talking to the cake.
- Wyatt, did you put the salt in, let it steep for 45 minutes,
then stir the barrel counterclockwise
because we're north of the equator?
- There was a mix-up...
and I didn't want to.
Alright, I'll go get a fresh barrel.
Maybe you can get through to her.
- I've already tried to help one person today.
It almost cost me a limb.
- What happened to you?
- Sprained my ankle saving an orphan.
Flobert's parents are dead.
It counts.
Love what you've done with the place.
It's like a pickle meth lab meets...
Nope, that's it.
- It's been a lot. Stirring, salting,
parallel parking a truck full of cucumbers.
But if you want the perfect pickle...
- Well, kudos. This is a great pickle.
You don't look happy. It's because I said "kudos"?
Is that a word we can't use anymore?
- No, that's the lousy Trevnick Pickle
from the court case.
You think these are one of mine? These taste...
not bad.
Maybe it's true.
I don't know a good thing when I have it.
- Well, yeah, this is a great pickle.
- So you're saying I should have stayed with Rand?
It's times like this I wish I could run.
- I was happy with Rand...
until I wasn't.
If only I was more like a pickle.
A pickle is set.
Know what they are.
Once you're a pickle, you don't go back.
You don't go forward.
Stay the same forever.
Not searching for what's next.
- Abby, people can change their minds.
Like, right now, I'm regretting ever coming in here.
- What if Rand was as good as it gets?
He was pretty great.
Maybe "pretty great's" an okay thing to settle for.
- No, settling is definitely the way to go.
For most people.
But you're not most people.
There is a perfect person out there for you
who will change with you,
and you will find them.
Or make them in a barrel.
- Thanks, Dan.
I think I'm done with barrels.
I fell in earlier.
- Sorry, is that barrel vibrating?
- Yeah, I dropped my phone when I was in there.
Hold my feet. I'm going in.
- Dan Fielding eating a salad.
Wow. They can make cake look like anything.
- Flobert and I agreed, on occasion, we will eat healthy,
so we may prolong our years of being able to eat terribly.
- Mm.
Don't worry, Dan. Any second,
we're going to wake up at the bottom of those stairs.
- Also, our new salad-forward lifestyle
will mean spending more time with,
well, people I don't actually mind being around.
- We prefer to be called friends, Dave.
- Admit it, you have a big heart.
- Oh, yeah. They said I have
the biggest heart they've ever seen.
You know what? This needs a little something, though.
Got the thing right here.
- So, turns out, my whole thing was about more than pickles.
- And Danhelped you figure that out?
Just Dan?
- No.
I also recall Olivia saying something.
- I did it.
I finally managed to get Pellino alone.
- That's great. Right?
- You'd think so.
Cha-ching.
- We kissed, and it was everything
I thought it would be.
And then I realized Carnes would always be there.
Evil. Duplicitous, a total monster.
In short, everything I'm looking for in a man.
I was kissing the prince, but I wanted the frog.
- I feel the same way about you.
- Carnes? You have feelings for me, too?
- I've fallen for you harder
than Angela Martin of Piscataway,
who got 30 grand when she slipped in a Panera
and shattered her pelvis.
Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.
- Aww, this is - a match made in hell.
- Unfortunately, you and I could never be.
I already have a partner, and we're bonded by a jingle,
four shell corporations, and an ampersand.
- Maybe I'll get winged by a shuttle bus
and look you up someday.
- I'd like that.
- It seems hard now, Olivia,
but you've got a lot going for you.
You're going to be fine.
- Yep. - Aww.
Thanks, Abby.
- These are, uh, actually for a client's funeral.
It's funny.