- Mr. and Miss Bealer are charged with instigating
a food fight at the Times Square
Bubba Gump shrimp.
- Interesting.
I didn't know they served food at Bubba Gump Shrimp.
- In their statement,
that couple blames their altercation
on the restaurant's lack of self service,
forcing them to quote, "talk to each other."
- I know there are disagreements in every marriage,
but culinary violence is never the answer.
$100 fine.
- Believe it or not, you're the third defendants
this week with shrimp in their hair.
- Couples like that are why I don't want to rush
into a relationship with Jake.
Right now, it's just so new and fun.
We can't stop talking at restaurants.
It takes us forever to order.
Waiters hate us.
- Trust me, it's not just the waiters.
- You're just jealous because the last woman you dated
is writing you letters on toilet paper from prison.
- She had her letter writing privileges revoked
because she was using her pen as a shovel.
- Wow, your relationships make me feel a lot better
about my horrendous divorce.
Next up, The People versus Pete McGuiness.
- Mr. McGuiness is a landlord charged with excessive use
of force, for physically throwing his tenants out
onto the streets. - And who are the tenants?
Hello, Judge.
It's so nice and warm in here.
I should like to stay forever.
- He forcibly removed orphans?
- They're not orphans.
They're a children's theater troupe
that only does "Oliver".
- The defendant ruthlessly punted the actors out on to the street
after he double booked his property as a wedding venue.
- Which means that if you rule in the favor of these
fame hungry pre-adults,
you'll be blowing up countless weddings.
- You better not be blowing up my wedding, Tiny.
- Did I mention that one of the weddings is Roz Russell's?
- The court directs the cute orphan
to please make big sad eyes at Roz.
- Will you be my mum?
- Oh, shut up.
- Sorry you lost your venue. You know what, though?
Big weddings are over hyped.
Sarah and I actually considered eloping.
- I wouldn't want any witnesses if I was marrying you either.
- I found a great place for your wedding.
It's in the heart of Manhattan, it's an historical landmark,
and it has so many security cameras,
you can fire your videographer.
- She's talking about here. - I'm talking about here.
- Considering the wedding is tomorrow,
what the hell choice do I have?
- That's the quiet resignation I was hoping for.
And the best part is the place comes with an officiant
who's never had the honor, but suspects
it's the thing they were born to do.
- She's talking about her. - I'm talking about me!
- We have an officiant. I'd invite you as a guest,
but we're still waiting on a couple of RSVPs.
- Dan, are you seriously considering
not going to Roz's wedding?
- I'm seriously considering not going anywhere ever again.
- That's fine.
I don't need him there drinking my booze
and throwing rice way too hard.
- Okay, since you're both closed off weirdos, let me translate.
Dan, Roz would like you to go to her wedding
because you mean a lot to her.
And, Roz, Dan is afraid that he's gonna have feelings
and people will see he's a person.
- Way off. - Ridiculous.
- But yeah, I guess I could stop by.
- Having you here would be fine.
- God, you closed off weirdos are gonna make me cry.
Maybe losing the venue was a blessing in disguise.
- Well, then we're loaded with blessings 'cause
this wedding has already had so many things go wrong already.
- I don't mean to eavesdrop, but I have been.
Have you considered it's sabotage?
I mean, I imagine as a PI, you've made plenty
of enemies along the way.
- Sabotage would explain how we've lost a florist,
a deejay, and most of our string quartet.
- Miss Russell, would you make me the happiest woman in the world
and let me run security at your wedding?
- For free?
You can do whatever the hell you want.
- That's the quiet resignation I was hoping for.
- I hope you all have fun at the party.
I'll just be quietly practicing the electric slide
alone, even though having the wedding here was my idea.
- You can come. - Yay!
- That way, if anything goes wrong,
I can find you
and I can blame you.
- Yay.
- The ceremony was nice. I guess.
If I was officiating, I would have done better than
"building this house on love."
2013 called and wants its metaphors back.
- You're cute when you're snarky.
You're also cute when you're not snarky.
This is just kind of a long way of saying you're cute.
- And this is kind of a short way of saying I'm nauseated.
Listen, just because I'm here,
don't expect me to go to your wedding
when you decide to blonde for all eternity.
- Our wedding? That is the farthest thing from our minds.
- Yeah, no, we're just keeping things casual.
- Yeah. Good luck with that.
Weddings are the foot on the gas of every relationship.
Oof, now I'm gonna have to learn your name.
I want to say Chester.
- That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
- Yeah, if anything, I'm more of a Chase than a Chester.
- No, I mean, the idea that this wedding
would kick our relationship into a higher gear.
- Like just by being here,
all of a sudden, I'm gonna be like,
"Oh, you should meet my mom."
I mean, she is in town, but I'm not introducing her
to someone I'm casually dating.
- Yeah, we don't want to bring a mom into this hotness.
We are nowhere near meeting parents.
- Well, parent. I've never met my biological father.
I don't know why I chose this moment
to drop that super not casual bomb.
- Dan is right about weddings.
- Maybe we should just come up with some rules
to keep things light.
- I love that. Nothing says fun and casual
like a boatload of rules.
- First rule, no heavy conversations.
- Yep. Just small talk and playful banter starting now.
- Perfect.
I did consider searching for my dad once.
Sorry. Now it's out of my system.
- So we made it through Roz and Loretta's ceremony,
but we're not out of the woods yet.
The saboteur could strike at any time.
So I need you hidden, every table,
listening to every conversation.
- Beating a confession out of anyone who looks at us wrong.
Like that guy.
- That's Loretta's daddy.
- Interesting, because he told me he was Roz's father in law.
Someone can't keep his story straight.
- I haven't been to a wedding since my divorce.
I was worried it was gonna bring up a lot of emotions,
but I'm holding it together pretty lonely right now.
- What are you wearing? You're supposed to be a waiter.
- In this dress? No one's gonna buy that.
But off your idea, why don't I go on to cover as a guest?
Ooh, I'll start by chatting up the partners
at Loretta's law firm.
- I don't know. What's your cover story?
- I'm a seasoned trial lawyer who's trying to get out of
a dead end job where I'm surrounded by bozos.
- Oh, you got a real mind for this.
- Yeah, but excuse me. I really shouldn't
be seen talking to the staff.
- So, which signature cocktail do you recommend?
The "I'm Loretta sour" or "Sex on the Roz"?
- Eight rosés, please.
- Oh, no, Sorry, ma'am. Tonight they're "Roz-és".
- They're not for me. I'm at the unmarried aunts table.
And I'm hoping the wine works as a mute button.
- Oh, okay. - Well, you know what?
If that doesn't work out,
you can join me at the singles table.
It's largely children. Their screens have been taken away.
So basically it's just a knife fight waiting to happen.
- Your eight wines, ma'am.
- Well, how about I drop these off and meet you back here.
- Oh, great.
- I can feel you smiling.
- And I can feel you feeling.
Banner day, Dan. Banner fricking day.
- Just a second.
Hey, Roz, who's that woman?
She seems very familiar.
- She should.
You argued against her sister
in this courthouse for the better part of a decade.
- That's Christine Sullivan's sister?
- Yeah. Katie.
We met through Christine
and ended up seeing a lot of each other.
- Now Dan wants to see a lot of her.
- Too bad she hates him.
- Damn it, Fielding. What did you do?
- Nothing!
Well, except maybe moving to DC to be with Christine,
pledging my undying love,
and then just disappearing with no explanation.
You know, that was a long time ago.
And she didn't seem to hate me just now.
Oh, maybe I didn't tell her who I was.
- Well, you don't want to drink in your face?
I'd keep it that way.
- Message received.
Challenge accepted.
Flobert, I need your help
making me look good to someone who hates my guts.
But you cannot say my name, and you cannot tell Roz.
- Roz? The lady the drink's named after is here?
I hope this goes better than the time I met Arnold Palmer.
- Hi there. Olivia Moore.
So happy for Loretta, et cetera, et cetera.
Oh, I heard that you're looking for new associates.
Maybe an outside hire.
Someone who's quietly saying her name to sneak it
into your subconscious. Olivia.
You're in my seat.
- Devin. - Olivia.
What's that perfume?
Desperation by Calvin and Hobbes?
- So, you work at Loretta's law firm?
Don't tell me you made partner
'cause then I would need to reintroduce myself
and adjust my tone. Olivia.
- I got passed over, but don't worry, I got big plans.
So if you'll excuse me, I need some face time with the boss.
Gina, you're looking well. Devin.
- Everyone having a good time? Hm?
They come to an end, you know?
- Wyatt, you see that guy over there?
He's boss blocking me. I need you to get him drunk.
- Smart, Olivia. Focus on career.
Career can't leave you and take the dog you've trained.
- Flobert, I need you to take that guy
out of commission. - Booze or poison?
- Thank you.
- Can I just say we are killing it at keeping it light.
Just casually grinding like you would any random piece of ass
you meet at a wedding.
- Oh, thank you.
And let me just say you are also a hot, disposable rando.
Oh, it's a slow one.
- Nice change of piece. - Yeah.
- No. - No, not today, wedding!
- Hold on.
- No!
- What? My shoe's untied.
- Tie it tomorrow!
- Okay. Okay. I'm gonna let you in a little secret.
When you see "anonymous donor"...
Here you go, sir.
- Thank you, my man. - It's an open bar, sir.
- Oh, that's for you. Don't worry about it.
Can't stop giving.
- Wow. A $50! - Hey!
You know what?
They should make those different colors, shouldn't they?
- I just realized that I still haven't gotten your name.
I'm Katie.
- Oh, I think we've established that I'm anonymous.
But of course — of course I have a name.
- There he is, the bravest, most decent man I have ever known.
This man is a hero.
You know, every year, he shaves that beard
and sends the hair to kids in other countries
who can't grow their own beards.
- Whatever you're doing, do less.
- This man is a coward!
Who hit me with this car and drove away.
- That was an absurd over correction.
- Oh, look at you two talking.
I'll just take this drink out of your throwing hand.
- I was just hearing about all the volunteer work that —
Sorry. I still haven't gotten your name.
- Oh, did he not volunteer that?
- Oh, I'm sorry. What's that, sir?
Oh, yeah. What?
Oh, you said you would like to make a toast?
Oh, I'm really not in a good place.
- Oh, no. You know, you're right.
Let's get you in front of a microphone. Here we go.
Listen, everybody.
Probably my generous nature talking,
but I think we should give our full attention to this waiter.
Go!
- Uh, I didn't expect to speak, but treasure today.
Later you may find yourself dealing with divorce lawyers
and your ex wife could have a new boyfriend
who gave a toast at your wedding with a lot of innuendo
you probably should have picked up on.
But true love is worth that risk.
And when you find it...
hold on.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Let's hope this doesn't kick off a wave of toasts.
- Yeah, the last thing we need
is a bunch of half cocked sap hounds trying
to get us to be all lovey dovey.
- So if this isn't working on us,
why you holding my hand?
- 'Cause you're holding my hand, you sap hound!
Oh, you're picturing us playing with our kids,
aren't you?
- We're using the cushions from the couch to build a fort.
Abby, the wedding's winning.
I feel the walls closing in.
- It's not the walls. It's the bouquet toss
We got to get out of here! - You might as well
just catch it.
The wedding's not gonna stop till it gets what it wants.
- It's got to catch me first.
- Oh, go!
- I'm starting to think that Abby might be the saboteur.
- That's better than watching them dance.
- I heard you tipped the bartender 50 bucks.
I have been lying to your ex girlfriend's sister
all night and haven't seen a dime.
Thanks a lot, Dan Fielding!
- You're Dan Fielding?
So this was you trying to make yourself look good?
- No, not at all.
I was just trying to show you that I am not the man I was.
I've changed.
- Oh, I don't know. Because you still seem
like the same selfish jerk
that didn't bother to show up to my sister's funeral.
No. Kate.
- Be a waste not to.
- There it is.
Closing argument for why we should change
our judicial selection process.
- New York State has tons of pictures of me
eating cake off myself, and I'm still here.
- Huh. Oh, I've got some news.
Katie Sullivan hates me
because I didn't go to her sister's funeral.
- Oh.
Sometimes in life...
Nope. Can't put a positive spin on that one.
- The fact is I was there.
I was hiding behind a row of poplar trees
'cause I didn't want to intrude.
Christine Sullivan was the best person I have ever met,
and I was in love with her, and miraculously,
she started to have feelings for me.
And I pushed her away and then left because I thought,
you know, maybe I wasn't good enough for her.
- Dan...
you weren't.
I can see how fear can make you push someone
away, sometimes into a cake.
- Almost never into a cake. That's just you.
You know, Christine made me a better man.
I would have never had the life I did with Sarah
if it hadn't been for Christine Sullivan.
- You could say all that to Katie.
- Eh, what's the point? She'd just think I was lying.
- Well, I guess the important thing is that you know, right?
Come on, let's go get you a Loretta-colada.
- Hey, you don't want your copy?
- You clean up nice.
- You sure Dan won't mind me borrowing his spare suit?
- Oh, yeah, it's fine. It's not even his good spare.
It's the one he eats ribs in.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We said no sharing food, especially the adorable ones.
- Well, when I was riding you like a surfboard into
a wedding cake, I realized it's not the wedding.
It's us.
I don't want to be casual, Jake.
- Oh, me neither.
I'm exhausted from being so chill.
The truth is I want to slow dance.
I want to hold hands, and I want you to meet my mom.
- I want to meet your mom and your dad.
- Still don't know who he is. - Right.
- Let's start with your mom. - Alright.
- You know what? I'm gonna go call her.
- Okay.
- Just leave the cake-pop. - Right.
- Everyone can relax. The wedding is safe.
I found our guy. - Devin?
It's one of yours.
- You can't prove I did anything.
- You're a witness, counselor.
- You're right.
Sure you're bitter that Loretta got the promotion,
but to sabotage a whole wedding? Mnh-mnh.
That'd take a far greater mind than yours.
- Well, joke's on you because this isn't a real wedding.
I planted a fake officiant, and these two never got married.
- Wait, weren't not really married?
I can feel you smiling.
- And I can feel you needing an officiant.
- She just talking about her. - I'm talking about me!
- All rise.
The wedding is now in session.
- Welcome, everyone, to Roz and Loretta take two.
I know this wasn't your first choice of venue.
- Or second.
We almost converted to get a synagogue on Long Island.
- But I think this place is very special.
My dad always said a million stories came in
through these court room doors.
And I personally think the best kind is a love story.
Roz and Loretta,
we are so incredibly lucky to be witnessing
the official beginning of your love story here tonight.
- Move it along, Stone. The deejay's on clock.
- By the power vested me by the State of New York,
I sentence you to eternity together.
$50 fine and time served. Oh, sorry, reflex.
- I don't know why I'm crying. I don't even know these people.
- You know something?
We keep dancing like this, Loretta is gonna get jealous.
- I'm just distracting you so she can steal your wallet
and get us a better gift.
- Oh, isn't the best gift friendship?
Fine. I'll get you some booze.
- May I cut in? - Uh, really? I —
- Don't talk. I have a feeling you're ruin it.
- Usually. - Always.
- Abby. Hey, this is my mom, Susan.
- Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
I'd say I've heard so much about you,
but Jake and I were keep it at cazsh until like 20 minutes ago.
- That's funny because he told me all about you.
- Thanks, Mom. I'll get you something from the bar.
Your drink still Scotch and blabbermouth?
- So, is this your first time in New York?
No, I lived here in the '80s.
- Before I had Jake,
I actually dated a lawyer who worked in this courthouse.
- What a small world.
I wonder if the guy you dated knew...
Huh.
How long before Jake was born did you date this lawyer?
A little under a year.
I'm out of cake pops,
and I think that Dan might be your boyfriend's dad.
Just so you know, I am real bad at keeping secrets.
- It's funny.