The defendant is a jilted lover charged
with destruction of property for branding her former partner
with a scarlet letter.
I'm sorry. Branding?
I think a couple of painted shirts was not only warranted,
but also a classy literary reference.
According to the defendant,
this is not based on any literary work.
The "A" is for "asshat."
Regardless, there is nothing innocent about this man,
which this witness will attest to.
This is the TaskRabbit that he hired to dump my client.
That's right. We do all kinds of odd jobs.
Last week, I dressed up like a ghost to scare a mean old man.
Time served.
And the next time you have to deliver bad news,
do it like a normal coward... fake your own death.
Five-minute recess.
I'm sorry, sir,
models for the Nike shoot are down the hall.
Just wanted to say hi before I head to my pickup game.
Hi.
Jake. I didn't know you ball.
That seems kind of risky in those ultra-low tops.
Well, they're primarily to accommodate my bunions.
I'm in the middle of a blister cycle...
Say no more.
Please.
So, what'd you get me?
Our six-month anniversary?
The traditional gift is Tupperware.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I totally blew it. Stupid!
And I was just at a Tupperware store.
Just kidding.
People don't celebrate six months of anything.
Unless your doctor only gave you five.
Well, I didn't know.
This is the longest relationship I've ever been in.
Look at me laying tracks on fresh powder.
- Anyway, have fun tonight. - Okay.
Does anyone else think it's weird that...
He's never been in a relationship
more than six months? Hell, yeah.
- Weirdo. - Big red flag.
Run.
Great. So we're all on the same page, then.
I'm probably overthinking this-six month thing.
Maybe Jake is just unlucky in love.
Or maybe something really freaky comes out at six months,
like he wants to make a suit out of your skin.
Or worse... he's a Disney adult.
No, I think I would know if Jake was a secret freak.
- What was that? - What was what?
Call Meryl Streep, Wyatt, because that was doubt.
Okay, maybe there's a little bit of doubt,
but that's just because things started out so great.
I met his mom at three weeks.
I stopped pretending to like his guitar playing at five.
And now it feels like we hit a wall.
We haven't even said "I love you."
Probably 'cause it's weird to say "I love you"
to someone you're gonna make into a suit.
Jake is definitely hiding something.
His sneakers? Those are not
bunion-accommodating basketball shoes.
These are bunion-accommodating basketball shoes.
So... So what are you saying? That he's lying to me
about playing basketball every Thursday?
I'll put it like this.
My ex-wife took a French cooking class for a year.
Ask me how many quiches I had.
None, Abby. None quiches.
There's only one way to know for sure.
We tail him and do a stakeout. No...
A Jake-out. Yeah, we all got there.
I'm not gonna spy on my boy..."Friends"
was a good show.
Monica was the neat one.
I just popped in to grab a water for the game.
Oh. Hey. Uh, what if I came by tonight
- and watched you hoop it up? - No!
I mean, you can't. They keep spectators out
because there are some pretty big celebrities who play.
Really? Like who?
Uh, Ariana Grande
and Everybody Loves Raymond.
Fun fact... on the court, not everybody loves him.
Anyway, see you later.
Okay, fine! We'll go on the Jake-out.
Well, how do you like that, Dan?
Nine wins in a row.
An entire baseball team being convicted of indecent exposure
is one win, not nine.
I know it's a long shot, but do you know
where I could get binoculars this time of night?
Opera or stalking?
It's not stalking.
I'm just covertly following my lying boyfriend
to see what he's up to.
So stalking, then.
Try the evidence locker. A lot of peeping toms this week.
It's the weather.
Ooh! I don't miss those days.
Suspicious of every boyfriend,
eavesdropping on calls,
taking little cat naps on the branch outside their window.
Yeah, I can't relate, mostly because I'm not insane.
But also I'm a very good judge of character.
Oh, really?
Because you did ask me out
while I was actively planning your destruction.
Although, in your defense, uh,
you were blinded because of your attraction to me,
and you probably still are.
Oh, Julianne, this is so exciting.
I've never used this phrase before.
- Hmm? - As if.
Oh, really? So you have no feelings for me whatsoever?
Even if I stroked your arm...
and looked into your eyes
and listened while you explained
how the Brooklyn Bridge was built?
You wouldn't feel anything?
Oh, Julianne,
you're gonna have to do a lot better than that.
Unlike the Brooklyn Bridge,
you ain't that hard to get over.
You know, when I agreed to do a stakeout,
I didn't realize that we'd be in a car the color of the sun
with a license plate that says "GURGS."
Don't worry. We know what we're doing.
He's getting out of his car! Get down!
Oh, he's getting something out of the trunk.
Oh, it's a duffle bag.
See? The story checks out.
He's parked outside a gym with a bag full of basketballs.
Those aren't basketballs.
And as the returning champion of an unaired game show
called "What's In That Bag," I would know.
- You're crazy. - Sorry, Abby.
I gotta know... What's! In! That! Bag!
Gurgs, get back here.
Oh, no. I'm not here. I'm not seeing this.
Uh, no one's seeing anything.
I think Gurgs just dropped a smoke bomb for cover.
What?
What did you do? You... You took his bag?
I was in and out. Burn rubber, Wyatt!
- I'm in the back seat. - Oh.
These goggles don't work. I can't see.
I think we may have figured out
why Jake can't hold on to a girlfriend.
I'm gonna say it.
I wish he was cheating on me.
Okay, there has to be an explanation
- for why Jake has this doll. - There is.
You're not getting it done in the bedroom.
We don't know it's that kind of doll.
Maybe he uses it as a companion.
So he's in the friend zone with a sex doll?
Abs? It's Jake.
Why is the door locked?
Here I come. Um...
I was just, uh, fighting off a dog!
- Woof-woof! - Yip, yip!
I said a dog, not two dogs.
Just get rid of it!
Wh... Are you all right?
It sounded like you were fighting off two dogs.
Oh, yeah. It's okay. Wyatt threw them out the window
when he could have easily just put them in the closet!
- Have a good hoop sesh, babe? - No, I was robbed.
Someone smoked-bombed me and took my bag.
Do you have any idea who did it
or how yellow their car was?
Come on, Gurgs, we should go down to the alley
and check on our friend.
She's no friend of mine.
She's sleeping with my friend's boyfriend.
So sorry about your bag,
but the main thing is you're okay.
Yeah. I-I'm fine.
Actually, no, I'm not fine.
And I'm tired of lying to you.
Someone important to me was in that bag,
someone I should have told you about a long time ago.
Oh, oh, you don't need to.
I'm sure I'll learn about her eventually,
at which point I'd either be ready to get weird
or just tag out and come back for cuddles.
The truth is, I don't play basketball every week.
I'm...
a cheerleader.
I was on my way to cheer tonight
when my training dummy got stolen.
I use her to practice lifts and throws.
Of course! It was a training dummy
you use to practice lifts and throws.
What else would you do with a life-sized rubber woman?
You're really not freaked out?
Because the cheerleading thing has been
a dealbreaker for other women.
Well, those women clearly didn't consider
the more perverted alternatives.
I am just so happy this is finally out in the open.
Ah, yes! Ah! Ah!
So Jake's a male cheerleader?
Yeah, that explains why he needs a pretend lady in a duffel bag.
No, he uses her for lifts and throws.
Abby, I have two kids.
You don't have to tell me how sex works.
This would have been nice to know
before you stole his doll and lost it.
Lost it? Doris is missing?
- She has a name? - Yes, it's Doris,
and we're all fine with it.
Well, Doris was gone when we got to the alley.
I don't know what you were thinking
when you threw her out the window.
Y-You really panicked.
Well, we have to find her, or else Jake won't be able
to train for the second-biggest adult-cheerleading competition
in Central Florida.
Man, can't anybody be a good, old-fashioned sicko anymore?
What?
Your sexy dress.
What is this, another move in your little seduction game?
You thought you'd just throw that on and I'd be all,
"Awoooga! Awooga!"?
Grow up.
It's just a dress.
But it's pretty telling that you called it sexy.
It is objectively wanton. Gurgs.
How would you describe her dress?
I don't know. Black?
If I am a little more dressed up tonight,
it's because I am seeing my boyfriend.
Oh, your boyfriend! Yes.
Who I'm hearing about for the very first time right now.
Just admit what you're doing.
You don't have to go make up fake...
- Julianna! - Oh!
I know I've arrived too soon.
But I couldn't wait to see you.
- Mm. - Ah.
Ew. Eh?
Oh, this is my boyfriend, Rodrigo.
And then this is my coworker, uh, uh...
Dan. That's right.
Oh, yes, the sad, lonely man who still has amor for you.
- Mm. - I can set you up with my sister.
She's unwanted, but she has many extra teeth.
All right, look, I don't have to be set up
with no shark-mouth sister, okay?
Hey, I've got a girlfriend.
Matter of fact, she's coming here tonight.
My sister will be disappointed,
but this is nothing new to her.
She's cursed.
Well, we're having dinner in the cafeteria.
Why don't you come by and say hello?
Otherwise, someone might think you made your girlfriend up.
Pretty sexy dress for court, huh?
Where were you five minutes ago?
Okay! We're strong. We're tough.
We'll stab your team in the gut.
We're mean. We're rough.
We'll pull your spine out your butt!
Ah! Thank you so much for helping me train for Tampa.
Sure, it was a lucky break
that I fit into all of Doris's clothes.
You always had her wear clothes, right?
Okay, so what do you think? Should we do the full routine?
In the words of Doris...
Let's do this.
- Hey! - Hey!
- Ah! - Ah! That was amazing.
Oh, so much better than the doll.
Your bones and organs really add to the experience.
Oh. I'm blushing.
Oh, because of my real blood!
This might be the happiest I've ever been.
Abby, I love you.
I love you, too.
Marge, listen, I'm hiring you under the table
because I suspect this is not a rabbit-sanctioned task, okay?
I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend.
Nothing untoward. Just a quick hello,
prove you're real, and then leave.
It's your 45 minutes.
You don't even have to be funny, and yet you are.
Oh, hi, Julianne.
I like to introduce you to Marge.
As you can see, you're on a date with your boyfriend,
and I'm on a date with my girlfriend.
So if this... was a contest, we'd be even.
Uh, aren't you the TaskRabbit from our case?
Oh, yes. Yes. Well, nothing wrong with that.
The Obamas met at work, too.
Why don't you two join us for dinner?
Oh, no, no, no, no, we wouldn't want to...
Great. I am starving.
FYI, I can't chew my food because of a gum condition,
so I swallow things whole like a snake.
Whatever my princess wants.
We found her in FAO Schwarz lying on the Tom Hanks piano.
She was facedown on a G-flat like...
So I guess we'll just drop her off at the gym,
and Jake and start training with her again.
Or here's another idea.
We don't.
Ever since Doris has been gone,
things have been going really good with me and Jake.
He's not holding back anymore.
So what are you saying?
You want us to send Doris to the big duffel bag in the sky?
No, but just hang on to her for a few days.
Clean her up. Maybe give her a bath.
I don't want to give her a bath.
What if we connect? I can't afford that right now.
You guys, just help me out here.
He told me he loves me.
You know, this makes sense.
It's called transference.
Jake came to emotionally rely on the doll,
and now that it's gone,
he's transferred all those feelings to you.
- Exactly. - Not exactly!
I was being sarcastic. That's insane!
So let me be insane!
Love makes you do crazy things.
No, you make us do crazy things.
Come on, Wyatt, let's take the big fake lady down to the morgue
for a makeover because love asked us to.
So, anyway, I said, "Oh, you must be a model."
And you said, "No, I am one of the foremost
pediatric heart surgeons in the country.
That's why I'm in so many magazines."
I am. Always in a stethoscope.
- No shirt. - Mm.
You know it's a good story when it's not funny or interesting.
But enough about us.
I-I'm just fascinated with your relationship.
I mean, this connection just feels so real.
You have to tell me, what's your secret?
Oh, want to know what I like about Marge?
She has such a gentle soul.
Roach!
When you go to Hell, tell 'em Marge sent ya!
She's so spiritual.
I'm very happy for you.
Oh, gotta motor.
Just got pinged for another task.
Uh, well, all right. Goodbye, my hardworking duchess.
Oh, no kiss!
Once we start...
Hey, it says my task is here.
Does anybody know a Julianne?
- That's me. - What a coincidence.
Two tasks... tell me if this relationship is real,
and I need you to hang a flatscreen.
No, it's not real.
And let me get my back brace.
Zero stars, Marge! Zero stars!
I think we're ready to practice outside.
After all, if you're coming to Tampa,
you gotta get used to falling on concrete.
Are you serious? You want me to come to Tampa?
I feel like my heart is doing a switch-kick
double-twist basket right now.
I'm just so glad I don't have to hide anything
from you anymore.
I'm sorry, ma'am, is this your floor?
Indeed, it is.
So you've been lying to me this whole time?
Yes, but keep in mind that when I thought she was a sex doll,
I could have run screaming,
but instead, I took good care of her.
And the guys at the morgue gave her a top-to-toe makeover.
I don't know what to say. I'm really hurt.
It feels like you've ripped my heart out my butt.
I know I was wrong, but in my defense,
you weren't totally honest with me.
But when I told you everything,
you had so many chances to come clean, and you didn't.
Now I just don't know how to trust you.
I think I know what's going on.
You're pulling away because we said "I love you,"
and that feels scary.
No, I'm pulling away because you and your friends stole
my $4,000 doll and threw her out a window.
$4,000? Really?
For that, you should be having sex with her.
I'm sorry, I just... I can't do this.
Wait, wait. Are you breaking up with me?
- Yeah, I am. - Jake, this wasn't that bad.
Did you give her a boob job?
No!
The guys at the morgue did.
I forgot my coat.
Where's Rodrigo?
Oh, he, uh, got paged. He's a pediatric...
Oh, my God! You mentioned.
So, hiring a mashed-potato monster to be your girlfriend.
At least get a high-end escort. This is New York City.
The prices are astronomical.
And when you throw in the tip? Ugh! Mnh-mnh.
I gotta say, I thought your date was fake, also.
Dr. Rodrigo? I mean, that sounds more like a guy
who would separate you from your evil twin on a telenovela.
Well, I hope that now you can see that I wasn't playing games.
Rodrigo and I have something very real.
Did I mention that he smells like gourmet tapenade?
Funny. He's not the kind of guy I pictured you with.
Oh, really?
And who did you picture with?
I don't know. I figured you'd go for somebody
with a little more edge, someone who challenged you,
someone who got under your skin.
You're saying that if someone like that came along,
that you would not feel... anything?
- Nice try, Dan. - Ha! Ha!
I almost had you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right. See you tomorrow.
- Destroy you in court. - Ah, you, too.
What the hell, lady?
No tip?
Just because we didn't make love doesn't mean
you didn't use my body.
Ugh. All right, fine.
I'll give you an extra $20 if you unzip me.
Ugh. This thing is so tight that I'm pretty sure
one of my ribs punctured my lung.
Your zipper has more teeth than my sister.
Come on! Isn't taking clothes off what you do for a living?
All right, so I guess we're even after all.
Good night, Jake. Good night, Abby.
sync and corrections by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com
It's funny.