Much better.
Hey, love the look.
1X04 "Terrible Things" 10/18/1996
Where are you.
You didn't see me, I was never here.
Sabrina, have you seen Salem?
Um... no?
You are the worst liar.
Come on.
No! I wont go! I wont go! I WONT GO!!
Ah, is it time for Salem to be wormed again?
No worse. I have to do community service.
It's part of his punishment for attempting global conquest.
As if being a cat for a hundred years wasn't enough,
Zelda had to put me in a pets for prisoners program.
I gave you a choice, you could have done highway cleanup.
Yeah, cats do real well on highways.
Stop complaining and get your wormy little butt down stairs in two minutes.
It's time to pay your debt to society.
Can't I just write a cheque?
I don't know what your problem is, it's nice to help people.
And what nice things have you done lately?
Me? I do nice things all the time.
Really?
Since you got your magical powers
all I've seen you do is change your clothes and make brussel sprouts disappear.
That's not true and I'll prove it.
I'll use my magic to do three nice things before the end of school today
- easy. - Not so easy.
Before you shoot your little finger off, you'd better consider the consequences
or ter-rible things could happen.
Hi! My names Jenny, I'm running for sophomore class president
and I'm with the outsider party.
Hi! My name is Libby and I'm also running for class president,
but I'm with the popular party.
A vote for me is a vote for smaller classes and more funding for the arts.
A vote for me is a vote for more pizza at lunch.
I'm voting for her.
She's pretty much killing you with that pizza platform.
I don't get it, why doesn't anybody want to support the outsider party?
Maybe because you named it after their biggest fear?
Hey, you got my vote.
Which gives me a grand total of two.
Poor Jenny.
There's nothing like losing to say? You're a loser.
I wish I could win, I really wanted to make a difference.
I think that's one nice thing.
Hey Harvey.
Whoa! What's that smell?
Protein shake.
Coach says I have to bulk up if I ever want to start at running back.
Well... you look fatter.
That's sweet of you,
but you see that guy over there?
That's Randy the Destroyer.
Unless I put on twenty pounds or he gets injured,
I stay on the bench.
Man, I wanna play.
D'you wanna go in?
Yeah, I'll be there in a sec.
Hey, watch it!
Aw! My hand!
That's two.
Sorry I'm late but my car broke down.
I made the mistake of trying to go uphill in my AMC Gremlin.
Why don't you just get a better car Mr. Pool?
Like a Ferrari?
Sure, y'know what, I'm going to run right out after class and buy one,
and I'll pay for it with frustration. Now can we move on to science?
Alright, today we're going to talk about the elements
and why one can't turn lead into gold
no matter how hard one tries.
..and Radon, which is the heaviest of the noble gases, don't laugh.
All right read chapter four tonight, and take showers.
Especially you.
Hey Mr. Pool, are you okay? You seem especially bitter today.
Me? I'm fine.
What a mess!
It's just a bunch of papers.
No, my life!
I've been a teacher seven years and I still can't afford a new briefcase,
I found this one.
I was wondering who T.G.K. was.
Just to pay my bills I have to work cafeteria duty,
I have to supervise the science club
and on weekends I... wash Principle Larue's car.
Well maybe you should consider doing something else.
Like what? I love teaching science, it's the only good thing in my life.
Well, you have a lot of coupons.
Thanks.
Oh, this one for forty cents off Fruit Cooks has expired.
No!
who are they foolin' anyway,
you can no more sweeten a cookie with fruit than you can turn lead into gold.
Or can you?
Wait a minute, why didn't I think of this before?
Lead, Pb, with mercury.
Thanks for helping me pick up my stuff Sabrina.
Now get out, I'm on to some'in'
Yes! Yes
this would turn lead into gold.
That's alchemy, it defies the laws of physics.
Oh who cares, I'm going to be rich!
That's three nice things.
That was very good Geoffrey but your E string needs tuning.
I'll be right back.
This one's for Mozart.
Hey guys.
Oh, I see Geoffrey's here.
Yep. Mozart started spinning in his grave about ten minutes ago.
Oh please, let the poor man rest in peace.
I don't get it aunt Hilda,
why don't you just use your magic to make Geoffrey play better.
I mean wouldn't that be a nice thing for him and for us?
Yes, but I would never do that.
That's right, you must be careful about meddling in mortal's lives.
We witches have rules.
Who cares about the rules,
I just want Geoffrey to keep paying for lessons.
Well, better get back.
Must you?
Perfect. Like it matters.
Aunt Zelda, I'm still a little confused about this meddling thing.
Why is it you can't use magic to make someone's life better?
Well because it's impossible to know what would make a mortal happy.
But what if you knew exactly what would make them happy?
well, you still can't predict the consequences.
But wouldn't those consequences just be good?
Well in some cases the consequences might be good,
but then again ter-rible things could happen.
Hey, any word on the election?
Not officially but this came out.
How can they print that Libby's won when the results haven't even been announced yet?
It's a weekly Sabrina, they usually just go on a hunch.
Yeah, well I have a hunch too.
Attention students, this is Principle Larue,
and I have in my hands the results of a grand experiment called democracy.
Just say it.
The president of the freshman class, the winner is Andy Galler.
The president of the sophomore class, the winner is...
Libby Chessler.
Jennifer Kelly.
Can you believe I won!
Yes, I can!
Hey Jenny, how about a picture for the year book?
"LIBBY DEFEATS JENNY!"
Hey, congratulations Jenny, I'm really glad you won.
It's because people like you voted for me and not pizza.
right.
Hey, I'm having a really great day too.
Coach just told me I'm starting at running back tomorrow.
That's great! That's what you wanted, right Harvey?
Absolutely. You guys gonna come watch me play?
Sure, cool!
Cool!
Cool! And don't be late 'cause y'know, I'm starting.
Libby, I just wanted to say that I think you handled your defeat very gracefully.
Oh, bite me!
Sorry I'm late but I was out buying a new car.
A Ferrari, since you asked.
Yes, thanks to the miracle of science and an educated brain
I now have one wicked set of wheels.
Okay! Whoever can explain the crab cycle gets a lump of gold.
Isn't learning fun?
Salem, you're back. How was jail?
Not bad, there's a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze
appeared to him as a talking cat.
I told him I'd call the governor and plead his innocence.
See? I told you it was nice to help people.
Are you kidding? I'm not calling.
Calling who? About what? Are we getting pizza?
No, I was just going to tell Salem about all the nice things I did today.
Yeah, but I'm not interested.
I'm interested, tell me.
Oh, but wait.
Okay, start.
See I wanted to use my magic more to help my friends
so I made a few adjustments in their lives and it...
Hold on. Didn't Zelda tell you there are rules against meddling
and ter-rible things could happen?
Not again. Look, everyone's happy, everything's working out great okay.
There's nothing ter-rible about it.
This is ter-rible pizza.
And a fair catch is called by the Fighting Scallions.
Wow! Great view.
This is so cool, hanging out in the presidents section watching Harvey start.
Oh look, there's Mr. Pool.
who's the blonde?
I think she came with the Ferrari.
Oh, no wait, she's with the guy next to him.
The Fighting Scallions break from the huddle
and Harvey Kinkle is the lone set back.
There's Harvey. Wow, it's so great that he's out there.
Yeah, thanks.
Oh, are you sure that's Harvey? He looks kinda small.
It's first and ten from the twenty-one and the Scallions keep it on the ground.
Cougar hands off to Kinkle...
Harvey's got the ball!
and he is pummelled.
Oh the humanity, that guy had no business being out there.
Oh this is a ter-rible thing.
Oh you poor thing, it even hurts to chew.
No, it's just hot!
I feel so bad about Harvey, I can't believe he's sprained his arm.
I can't believe that's all he's sprained.
Can we change the subject, lets er, talk about you being president.
Alright, I have my big meeting with Principle Larue this afternoon.
Hey Jenny, tell Larue to do something about this meatloaf huh?
Meatloaf? Hey man, what about intellectual freedom?
I'd better go, I'll see you later at The Slicery?
Yeah, we'll get pizza.
Great idea, this meatloaf really gags.
Hey Mr. Pool, smells good.
Linguine with white truffles, no more artery clogging sloppy Joe's for me.
Now that I'm rich I have a reason to live.
So are you happy?
Oh, I'll say.
Well it gives me the freedom to teach science without anger and resentment.
I can now teach for the pure joy of teaching.
leave the whole block.
Hey Harvey... and Libby.
So, did you make it to the game on Saturday?
Yeah, I saw you start... and finish.
My dads got it all on video,
keeps playing it over and over saying that I can learn from it.
Well, y'know let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
I'm a cheerleader, let me handle this.
Sure.
Well I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry.
Y'know not like a responsible sorry,
more like sympathetic sorry in a blameless third party sort of way.
Feel better.
The principle will see you now.
Please sit down.
The reason I called this meeting was to present my five point program,
my contract with Westbridge, if I may.
Proceed.
Well the first point focuses on class size, I think...
You have no authority there.
- I don't? - No. Next point?
Well I'm also concerned about arts funding.
You have no authority there.
- Text books? - No.
- Curriculum? - No.
Parking?
Huh! I don't even have authority there.
hat you raise are not to be addressed in this room.
They are decided by powerful men
in smoke filled board rooms hundreds of miles from here.
It is not your place to question their choices.
They know you Jennifer, better than you know yourself.
Let's leave the business of school to the people who's business is school.
Student class elections have always been a popularity contest,
let's keep it that way.
Hey, how'd it go?
I'm on my second pitcher of root beer.
Why, what's wrong?
I wish I'd never become president.
You said that's what you wanted though?
Yeah, so young, so naive.
I thought I could make a difference.
But you can!
No. You keep your illusions but it's too late for me,
I've seen how the meatloaf is made.
Oh Jenny, I'm sorry.
It's a ter-rible thing.
Hey.
We need to talk.
Not now, I've had a really lousy day.
And apparently it's not over yet.
This came in the toaster for you.
It's from Drell.
The head of the Witches Council, what does he want with me?
We don't know. I wanted to open it
but Zelda wouldn't let me.
Report to my office immediately and brings your aunts with you.
I don't wanna go, Drell scares me. You guys go first and tell me what he wants.
Hey, I don't want to see Drell any more than you do.
Yeah sure.
Look, we used to be in love but I no longer have any feelings for him.
How's my hair?
Come on, let's go.
Aw! My foot.
I don't like this place, it reminds me of the principles office.
Drell will see you now.
You look so familiar.
Hello Drell, what a pleasant surprise.
No it's not, I summoned you and you're here.
Hilda! What's with your hair?
My new boyfriend likes it this way.
Oh, your new boyfriend. What's his name?
Um!
Oh well I hope you and ...Um! are very happy.
Sabrina, why don't we begin by you explaining to us why we're here
I don't know.
Stop me if something sounds familiar.
Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.
Oh that.
- Sabrina?! - You didn't?!
I was just trying to help people.
Help is a four letter word like Dumb' and ?Move' Am I right?
Well first all the people I helped were happy
but now only one is and he's happy enough for all three of them though. So...
Now I should explain to you that when I say ?Am I right?
IT'S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because I'm always right.
Drell please, Sabrina's a good kid.
And things are hard on her. Her
Her mother's in Peru her father's in a book.
And I'm in the land of I_DON'T_CARE!
You're her guardians, you should have warned her
that if you meddle with peoples lives ter-rible things could happen.
Oh I did, that's exactly what I said.
So did I.
So did Salem but nobody made it sound like it was a big deal.
Marge, get the guys down in ominous warnings to er
tweak up the reverb on the word terrible.
Terrible.
Ter-rible!
TER-R-R-IBLE-LE,-LE-le-le... Oh that's nice.
Thank you Marge.
Now that was Marge's mistake.
And now back to yours.
Now the football injury and the class elections have no global consequences.
You can mess with your pimply, pubescent, peers all you want.
Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy
and reek havoc on MY T bills.
Now are you gonna fix this or should I give Salem a little, blonde kitty friend?
No, I can fix it.
I mean, I just have to erase the knowledge right?
I don't have to destroy Mr. Pool.
You've got a day. That's twenty-three hours
to solve the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post.
go on, go get outa here!
Oh, except you Hilda.
Why don't you er stay a moment?
That's it, I'm never going to help anyone ever again.
He's just trying to scare me right?
Oh look, Marge's teeth.
I've gotta go find Mr. Pool!
Let's go.
What was that all about?
Oh, he asked me out.
I turned him down
and Sabrina, now you only have sixteen hours. Sorry.
Excuse me, is Mr. Pool in there?
You mean the guy who thinks he's too good to wash my car now?
No, I haven't seen him.
Mr. Pool, there you are. I am so happy to see you.
Happy to see you too my little coupon picker-upper.
Come on and walk me to class.
Hey, look what I just got.
It's a digital personal assistant, watch this.
I just sent myself a fax.
Well I know you're really happy with your money but
you know easy come easy go.
Oh did I tell ya? I'm funding a grant.
It's called Eugene Pool award for burned out teachers.
Healing begins now.
That's a beautiful dream.
Oh man, I just wish everybody could be as happy as I am.
- Mr. Pool! - Hm?
Just enjoy the next forty minutes.
Of course, it's time for science.
Aerobic respiration is correct! Well done Timmy, here you go.
And remember everyone.
You should learn for the sake of learning and not just for gold.
Well that's my last lump for now, I'll just make some more up tonight.
Oh you've got it wired up here.
No! No!
It's gone! I've lost it!
I never wrote it down! Oh this is a ter-rible thing.
Hi Sabrina.
You look bummed.
Yeah, like everyone else.
Oh I'm not bummed, I made my peace with the universal meatloaf.
- Really? - Yeah, watch.
Can I have your attention!
I just wanted to say that I ran for president
because I thought the job was about more than dances and lunch food.
I was wrong so I think you'll be better off with Libby.
I'm in control? Yes!
And I am one step closer to the Whitehouse.
Nice speech. So you're happy?
Very, I'd much rather be jaded than naive.
Who wouldn't?
Hey Sabrina, you know when you were feeling sorry for me yesterday?
You mean in that blameless third party sort of way?
Well you should know that since I've been injured
I've been having a lot of fun.
I'm reading more, I'm writing more,
I even think my grades are going to improve.
So this sitting around thing is really working for you.
Yeah, I'm super happy not playing football,
just don't tell my dad.
A' equals A'.
Of course ?A' equals ?A', it's obvious, it doesn't need to be stated. ?B'...
- Mr. Pool? - What!
Oh it's you.
Do you have a minute?
Yes, a lifetime of them and now they're going by very slowly.
Y'know I was just thinking that Jenny's happier not being class president
and Harvey's happier not starting in the football team and,
well it made me think that maybe you'll be happier not being rich.
Hm, happier not being rich?
Are you nuts!
Being rich is everything I ever dreamed of and now it's gone, it's all gone.
Not again!
Sabrina, could you help me?
I'm sorry Mr. Pool, I'm not supposed to help anyone.
But
I guess one last time wont hurt.
Oh why couldn't somebody just destroy me.
It can't be that bad.
I have a feeling thing's'll get better real soon,
and who knows, maybe you'll find a new briefcase.
Yeah, right.
Steve! Ah, sir?
What is it Pool?
I was wondering, er, if I came by on Saturday
if maybe I could... wash your car?
So!
Mr. Rockafeller wants to wash my car. Y'know the only problem is
I've found a fifteen year old who'll do it for two bucks cheaper.
I can beat that, I'm having a back in the same old rut special.
Well I guess I'll see you Saturday.
Oh great!
And er by the way, that's a beautiful briefcase.
♪♪ Saboor Mughal ♪♪