- Salem. - Oh! Glee-club!
Oh man, don't do that to me.
Sorry, but I need a favour.
See, I haven't had a date in weeks..
- No. - Come on, you've done it before.
Well I'm not doing it again.
I'll make it worth your while.
Okay, but it's gonna cost you.
Here's your cat ma'am.
I can't believe he did that.
Bad Kitty.
Cat's aren't the brightest animals.
You are so right. Aw!
- Are you okay? - Yeah I'm fine.
Now how can I ever thank you?
Oh look, a freshly baked, home made seven layer cake.
Would you like some?
Was it made by a single gal?
Yes sir-e
Then I'll just put my ladder away and be right back.
Good work Salem.
Show me the Tuna.
Say I love the black cat.
I love the black cat.
I can't hear you.
- I LOVE THE BLACK CAT. - I LOVE THE BLACK CAT.
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 1x24: Troll Bride
Yes, genetics will be on the final.
Everything we study the semester will be on the final.
Including what mitosis is.
It's not fair.
We only get three days to learn a whole semester's worth of biology.
I guess we were supposed to be learning it all along.
I wish I could read my notes.
Can you decipher this?
'Mitosis is...' Nope.
I'm doomed.
Look, you can borrow my notes.
We'll get through finals together.
Well, if it isn't the cutest couple in the sophomore class.
Jeez Libby, you're really running out of insults.
No. I'm on the year book committee and I just thought you'd like to know
you've been voted cutest couple.
I'd like to thank the academy.
You're being very brave about this Sabrina,
considering the curse.
What curse?
Every couple who ever won the award
broke up by the first day of finals.
That's ridiculous
And sad.
Well you don't think there's a curse do you?
No, we're solid as a rock.
Curses belong in fairy tales along with giant beanstalks and witches.
Zelda, will you do me a favour and choke on this bread?
- What? - I can't think of any other way
to see my fireman again.
You choke, he Hiemlich's, we go dancing.
Hilda, it's wrong to distract a fireman from his public duty.
Hey, I pay taxes.
Oh thank goodness you're home.
- Choke on this. - Gladly.
Stop that.
Is everything okay?
It depends on whether curses are real or not.
You see Harvey and I got voted the cutest couple...
No, OH NO!
What
Oh that's nothing, she's just excited for you.
And don't you worry about this curse,
- you're going to be fine. - Really?
Absolutely.
Cool. Then all I have to worry about is finals.
What are you saying?
You know curses count double for witches.
Yes, but there's nothing Sabrina can do about it
and knowing just makes it worse.
Curses!
Hurry up Sabrina, you're gonna miss the bus.
Salem, have you seen my biology notes?
No. The sports sections lying in my box this week.
Oh, but I need them!
Chill little witch.
Just use the finding spell in your magic book.
Ah, here we go.
'Finder of lost things, help me find
my enter lost item here..
' Oh. 'Finder of lost things, help me find my biology notes.'
- I'm here. - Who are you?
Roland, finder of lost things
number one thirty-four.
Nice to meet you.
If you could sign this contract I'll be happy to get right to work.
It's really long.
That's just to cover us in the event I get trapped under something heavy.
There.
Okay. Stand back please.
Ah ha! I found your notes,
and fifty cents.
Thanks.
Here you go. Get yourself something nice.
I'm not looking for a gratuity,
just my standard fee,
- What's that? - Anything in this room.
It says so right in that contract.
Anything? Well I have quite a selection.
How about this lovely paper weight?
I don't need a paper weight.
How's this bed?
Hmm kinda lumpy.
Oh I love this clock radio.
Could you hurry up? I'm late for class.
You know,
you're kinda cute when you pout.
Could you just decide?
Okay, I know what I want.
- You. - Me!
I want your hand in marriage.
I'm only sixteen.
I know you're kinda old but... that's okay.
Idon'thavetimejusttnow. There'satrollinmyroom.
I'lltellyouaboutitlater.
Did she say Troll?
Testinal peristaltic action moves food through the body,
making digestion both a mechanical and chemical process.
Yes, Jenny?
Did we even study that?
For a week!
Who's that?
Oh no!
How may I help you?
I'm here to see Sabrina. Personal matter.
She's in the middle of class.
I'll wait. Mind if I have a seat?
Ah, He's an actor.
You can catch him at the renaissance fare.
Can we get back to learning?
How long is the large intestine?
- Oh, oh, Go me! Go me! - Yes?
The large intestine is over two miles long.
- No it's not. - Yes it is.
It's five feet max.
- What do you know? - He's the teacher.
I'm telling you, human beings do not have four stomachs.
Well let's open you up and find out.
Leave me alone.
That's all for today.
I'm not finished yet.
Who is that guy?
Oh, it's a really funny story.
I'll tell you about it later. Gotta go.
So. Do you want a big wedding or just the family?
We're not getting married.
Hey Harvey, come sit with us.
- Who's that? - My boyfriend.
Boyfriend?
- Hi guys. - Harvey, this is Roland.
Nice to meet you.
Get lost, farm boy.
Farm boy? I've never been on a farm in my life.
Well I find that hard to believe, farm boy.
My names Harvey.
Harvey, the farm boy.
Why don't you back off!
Why don't you make me?
It's go time, Goober.
I'm not going to fight you.
Oh Chicken,
Make you think of the farm, farm boy?
- That's it! - Stop!
Roland, quit it and get off the table.
Sabrina, what's going on?
It's a funny story. I'll tell you about it later.
Come on. Come on.
I think you could have taken him.
That was surreal.
I have no idea what just happened.
Oh, it's the curse.
I'm afraid you and Sabrina are going down.
Why did we have to be so cute?
Now get in there and no more fights, do you understand?
Okay! Okay! Henpecked already...
and I love it.
I'm exhausted.
D'you mind if I make myself comfortable?
So she did say troll.
What's he doing here?
I'll tell you in the kitchen.
Go! Go!
So what do I do now?
We'd better call a lawyer,
this contract looks authentic.
Do you know any troll specialists?
We'll look one up in the purple pages.
Stuart Clarkson here.
You have a legal emergency?
A troll has asked for my hand in marriage.
- Did you sign a contract? - Yes.
- Did you read the contract? - No.
- Have a nice wedding. - Wait!
You can't go, you have to help us.
But you're asking me to break a legitimate contract.
Isn't that what lawyers do?
Right!
Where's the paperwork.
Hopeless. Hopeless.
I am not getting married!
According to this, you are.
- Oh no! - What?
Ah, sorry. Misread a word, it's dearth, not death.
Oh man, I am sweating up a storm.
Do you mind if I take off my jacket and pants?
- You pants? - Yes. Well don't worry,
I'm wearing a four piece suit.
- Hey. - Harvey!
You left in kind of a hurry. Can I come in and talk?
No. Erm, why don't we just step outside?
Oh this is nice, the great outdoors.
So, what did you want to talk about?
Who was that guy who tried to beat me up at school today?
Roland, Oh that's a funny story, I'll tell you later.
It is later.
Well... he's a friend of my aunts.
That's the funny story?
I didn't tell it very well.
Why do I feel like you're keeping something from me?
I can't really talk about it, it's too weird.
Sabrina, I'm your boyfriend.
Do you want us to keep secrets from each other?
No.
So can you tell me who Roland is?
- No. - Okay, I'm out o' here.
Harvey.
Roland.
- Roland! - Glee-club!
Roland can I talk to you?
Of course.
Communication is the foundation of any marriage.
I'm not marrying you.
Sorry, I didn't hear you.
I'M NOT MARRYING YOU.
Look, I'm very flattered
that you chose me over a clock radio
but this is not my idea of romance.
- And farm boy is? - Yes,
Harvey and I happen to be an award winning couple
and even though we're fighting now...
You are?
We'll work it out because Harvey and I were meant to be together.
So my love goes unrequited?
I guess there's no reason for me to carry on this charade.
You still deserve your fee for finding my notes.
- D'you want that clock radio? - No.
Can I say something?
I've found a lot of things in my life,
but I guess
I'm still looking for love.
Goodbye.
What did you do to him?
Nothing, I just...
Look he left his hat.
You'd better take it to him,
- it completes his outfit. - I'll be right back
See ya.
Hello!, Roland?
What do you want?
You forgot your hat.
Who cares!
Look, I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you planned.
Well, I gotta go study.
It's stuck!
No. It's locked,
and you're trapped in here forever.
You tricked me!
Sabrina, I'm a finder, not a loser.
Oh no!
- So, when should we have the wedding? - Never!
I think June would be better.
You can't keep me here.
Oh yes I can.
Faster! Faster!
Please, I am dealing with some incredibly big words.
Guys, Sabrina went to return Roland's hat
an hour ago and she hasn't come back yet.
Oh no! That old troll trick.
And it's perfectly legal.
It took me two days but I found that needle in a hay stack.
Don't you ever talk about anything but work?
That must be the wedding co-ordinator.
My aunts! You've come to rescue me?
Actually no, but we're working on getting you out.
Good luck. It's an iron clad contract.
Yes, but we have a lawyer with... great legs.
And in the mean time we've brought Sabrina her school books.
Whoo-hoo. I'm engaged to a troll and I get to study for finals.
Okay, visiting hours are over.
Once we're family
you'll be welcome in my house anytime,
but for now vamoose.
Don't worry.
We'll get you out.
Before Friday or I'll fail biology.
Forget homework, you're my princess now.
I can dress myself.
Hopeless. Hopeless.
- Ho. Ho! Buried clause. - Is that good?
The party of the first part may be rescued
by a prince she desires.
Ha, ha. This may be the way out.
That's great!
Do we know any princes?
Ney! I'll set up some interviews.
On your special skills it says wall climbing?
Oh that's old.
What about Dragon slaying?
Haven't done it in years.
Look, I know I've let myself go
but I think I can handle a troll.
Do I smell pie?
Look, I know twelve different ways of killing you both
without leaving my chair.
So when do I start?
Isis, you are our most qualified applicant
but we still can't use you.
It's because I'm a woman isn't it?
Well yes.
That makes me so..
No. I'm going to save this anger for my support group.
Do you want some juice?
Okay. We're looking for a prince
to save our niece from a troll.
It could involve some sword play
and there's no guarantee that you'll come back alive.
I don't wanna die
Don't cry.
Do you want your mom?
Should we get the Queen?
Hi. Is Sabrina home?
Oh no. I'm sorry.
Me too.
Well when you see her
could you tell her that I've thought about it
and I'm willing to accept
whatever weird situation she's in.
That's all, see ya.
Harvey!
Would you come in for a moment?
Sure.
I couldn't help but notice your jacket.
Who is the Termite King?
My Dad. That's his company.
Which would make you the Termite Prince.
And that's why I'm leaving the area when I go to college.
Will you excuse me.
There's hope!
The Termite Prince will stand up in a court of troll.
-Yes! - Yes!
Only problem is, Harvey's mortal.
Do we have the fixings for a memory loss potion?
Do we!
I see you two in a gazebo draped in wisteria.
I'm loving it.
With garlands in her hair, and yours
Divine.
I have an idea.
Why don't you two get married?
I see the bride has a case of cold feet.
Oh poor Sabrina.
Maybe I shouldn't put you through all the stress of this.
- You mean...? - Yes,
let's move the wedding up to tomorrow.
Tomorrow!
Somebody help me. HELP!
Hmm. Cinnamony.
What we're about to tell you is strange,
so I hope you can accept it.
I'm drinking from a chalice in front of a guy with no pants,
I'm trying. So what's the truth?
Sabrina's a witch and she's being held captive by a troll
in his castle
and only a prince who she loves can save her.
That's all?
So the quest starts with me going through the linen closet?
Yes. Wait, your clothes are all wrong.
I don't have to dress like this forever do I?
No. Just until you vanquish the troll.
I couldn't vanquish the troll in pants?
Sabrina? Sabrina?
Harvey?
Sabrina?
Harvey!
How's it goin'?
What are you doing here?
I'm supposed to vanquish the troll.
Oh, come on up.
I can't, the doors locked.
There must be a way. We have to think fairy tale.
I've got it!
Harvey, climb up my hair.
You're okay with that?
Yeah, just don't split any ends.
Hurry up
I made it.
My Prince has come.
You look great with long hair.
Na, it's a lot of up keep.
Let me look at you.
So, I guess this means you know how weird my life is.
Your aunts told me.
I figured as much when I saw you in tights.
They're kinda bunching on me.
Sweetheart, look what the Billy Goat sent us.
Quick, hide.
I've got to get rid of this hair.
It's a blender.
What's he doing here?
Oh right, you're good at finding things.
Where's my sword?
Ha, ha! found it.
Sabrina, what do I do?
Draw your sword.
- Now what do I do? - Use it!
Take that!
Take it back!
Watch out!
Ah! Time out! Time out!
Time in.
Where'd he go?
To your left!
Over here, farm boy.
I hate that name.
Don't worry Harvey, here comes the air support.
Honey, that almost hit me.
Whaddya doin'?
Hey, I'm duelling down here.
You've taken your last breath.
My aim is true.
Bulls eye,
and to think I complained about lugging that around all year.
Harvey? Harvey.
What happened?
Sabrina, did you do this to me?
Sorry Roland, but consider yourself vanquished.
You're a very complicated woman
and more trouble than you're worth.
The marriage is off
and if anyone asks, I dumped you.
We did it.
Let's frolic.
Wait! What day is it?
Thursday?
We've got our biology test tomorrow,
we've gotta study. Move it!
Sabrina, you're back.
Harvey saved me, and now he knows everything.
Yep. Sabrina's a witch, you're a witch,
your Sister's a witch,
it all makes sense.
But only for fifteen more seconds.
Then the knowledge will be erased from his memory forever.
But I like it like this.
We have no secrets from each other.
Then for the next five seconds you have a perfect relationship.
That doesn't give me much time but..
I always knew there was something magical about you Sabrina,
and now..
What was I saying?
You were telling me... what mitosis is.
Right..
What is it?
And initial here.
I found this pen you know.
Sabrina is now free and clear to marry whoever she wants.
In return you are entitled to her clock radio.
I didn't really want it, I just took it to hurt her.
It's the first day of finals.
What are you two doing holding hands?
- We survived the curse. - How?
It's a funny story. I'll tell you about it later.
You have fifty minutes.
Don't start until everyone has a test.
- Sabrina, good luck - You too,
and don't forget. Mitosis is..
You may begin.
The process of cell division.
*We Dedicate This Season To The Memory Of Barry Marz, a Great Writer And Friend.*
Sabrina, we have a surprize!
Since you did so well on your finals,
we think you deserve a reward.
I've been thinking that too.
So, where are we going?
Tony Roma's
No.
What's going on?
It's an around the world tour
available only to witches who ace biology.
And their relatives.
First stop Spain.
Ole!
They left me behind! Be strong, don't cry
I can't believe we almost forgot you.
What, had you left?
Yes. Anyway we have to catch up with the others.
Ole!
** Saboor Mughal ** www.subscene.com