Happy birthday.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'll never get this confetti out of my hair, but thank you.
The hats were my idea.
Seventeen has gotta be better than 16.
I mean, I've got a great boyfriend, I'm not new at school,
and I've finally gotten used to being a witch.
- I'll have the liver and brie omelette. - Here's your present.
I love presents.
It's a handbook.
One of these days, we have to talk about cool presents.
This is a study guide.
You see, when a witch turns 17, she has to take a test
to get her witch's license.
Will I have to parallel park my vacuum cleaner?
It doesn't work like that.
But for some reason you do have to take an eye exam.
A quizmaster will come in the next few days and test you.
- You only have two chances... - Don't worry. I can handle it.
I've gotta run or I'm gonna miss my bus.
Unless my other present is a car.
- Don't forget this. - Next year, clothes, right?
She's never gonna study.
We have got to tell her about the consequences.
You know the rules. We've given her the book.
Now it's up to Sabrina.
I'm sorry. I thought I asked for an omelette.
Hello.
Don't be shellfish.
- Can I help you? - I can't find my locker.
I'm Valerie. This is my first day.
I'm Sabrina. I was new last year.
Don't worry. It's a pretty friendly school.
Freak.
So, what's your locker number?
- Twenty-seven. - That's right near mine. Come on.
- So where did you move from? - Minnesota. We move a lot.
- Why'd that girl call you a freak? - Libby?
Because she's a cheerleader, and she has a limited vocabulary.
Oh, so you're not really odd?
No. Well, not in a way that anyone knows about.
Good, because just once I'd like to be in a cool crowd.
Oh, I know that makes me sound really shallow.
I hate that about myself. Look, just go on without me.
- I'm dragging you down. - Here's your locker.
You're still talking to me.
Oh, Sabrina. Just who I'm looking for.
I think you should take AP Algebra after school.
It's a lot of work, but you can get college credit for it.
- I think I can handle that. - Great.
That's an interesting book. May I see that?
Oh, it's kind of a family heirloom. And that's why I keep it in my locker.
- Hey, birthday girl. - It's your birthday?
Or is that a nickname?
Harvey, this is Valerie. Valerie, Harvey.
I love my earrings. Thanks.
My mom said you'd like them more than a knife.
Oh, here, taste these.
I baked them for the football bake sale tomorrow.
Tastes like...
Tell you what. I'll bake you cookies for the sale.
Thanks. I was hoping you'd say that.
Better get to chemistry. See you later.
Wow, teachers like you, you've got a cute boyfriend...
- Can I be your friend? - We'll see.
I'm having interviews all week.
You're kidding, right? Because that's happened to me before.
You'll be the editor this year?
Well, not in so many words. Well, actually, it was just
that many words. He said: "You'll be the editor this year."
- Cool. - And when I am the editor
the school paper is going to be different.
No freakazoid news.
I can't believe Libby's taking over the paper too.
- You should take over the paper. - Me?
Yeah. You'd be great and fair.
And I'm not saying that because I want you to like me.
- Thanks. - Do you like me?
Hello.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Prayers are answered. Yeah.
Fifties, 2os.
- Oh, my. - Oh, good.
Looks like our bond matured.
The one we got in 1660?
I knew people would say "yes" to sanitation.
You wanna go to the Slicery?
I can't. I'm going to join the newspaper staff.
I thought you were swamped with work.
I am. But I can handle it. And this has the added bonus
of driving Libby insane. I'll call you later.
Okay, but you haven't forgotten the dance on Friday, have you?
The big event honouring all the football players
that everyone's been talking about for weeks?
I remember it.
I forgot your name.
Looking for the loser convention?
I am. And look:
I found it.
Hi. Hi, I'm Valerie.
They're multiplying.
I feel good about myself. I feel good about myself.
- I feel good about myself. - Don't panic.
When Mr. Kraft gets here we'll clean house.
Greetings, newshounds. Welcome to the Westbridge Lantern.
I think there's been a mistake.
Mr. Kraft is the faculty advisor of this club.
Not anymore.
After 17 years, he's grown to loathe and detest the paper.
Hi, Sabrina.
Now, this year, the editorial position is not going to be a popularity contest.
- What? - Everyone who is interested
can submit an editorial by tomorrow.
This is amazing.
And I didn't even use magic.
Magic?
Yeah. That's Westbridge slang for curse words.
I hate being new.
Great cake.
Piece number 5 might have been a mistake.
Do I have any frosting on my face?
Well, a birthday should be a time for fun.
Did you get a chance to study the handbook?
Not really. Oh, man. Study. I've got a history test tomorrow.
Sabrina, remember: The handbook is also important.
Did our parents go through this torture?
Not with me. I memorized the whole book.
- Get rid of them. - What?
The goody two-shoes.
Sabrina, yo!
I was just resting my eyes.
Don't you think you're overextending yourself?
No.
Okay. My editorial's done.
Time for history.
I'm so handling things.
"Patrick Henry gave an impassioned speech in Williamsburg,
where he proclaimed, 'Give me liberty or give me death."'.
Actually, he was gonna say,
"Give me liberty or give me some other option."
I told him I thought it needed more punch.
Hello? Hi, Harvey.
Oh, hi, Harvey. I'm sorry. I know I was supposed to call you.
Now tell me if you don't think this is deep:
When you assume something, you make a...
Shoot. I knew I should have written it down.
If you...
Shoot. Maybe it wasn't "assume."
Sabrina? Sabrina?
Sabrina?
Degrees here at downtown Westbridge.
Let us greet the day with The Brothers Chunk.
- Who are you? - I'm your quizmaster.
Please, don't hit.
- Is it time for the test? - Are you kidding?
You are not ready. This is a warning.
You haven't cracked this hand. I mean, not even the knuckles.
Hey. I like that one.
Okay, you've made your point. I'll study.
- And stop hitting. - When will I have the actual test?
When you least expect it.
I hope I can handle this.
Man, I did lousy on that history test.
I know. I got so frustrated in there, I almost used magic.
What?
- Curse words, right? - Oh, right.
Look, Val, I gotta run. I gotta meet Harvey for lunch.
- Okay. Bye. - See you.
Oh, no. What are you doing here, quizmaster?
Well, have you been studying, Sabrina?
- The test is coming, you know. - I know.
Look, I'm kind of in a hurry.
Oh, I can fix that.
Can you stop time, Sabrina? Page 201.
Okay, I'll look it up.
Well, how about speeding time up?
Page 949.
Okay. I've been warned.
Oh, great. Now you sped up time, and now I'm late.
- Hi, Harvey. Eating alone? - No, he's not.
Sorry. Time kind of got away from me.
I wanted to talk to you about tux colours.
Can I finish your sandwich?
I can't decide between powder blue and maroon.
Let me have everyone's attention, please.
Great. Mr. School-Spirit.
Some of you freshmen have not met me yet.
I am Vice Principal Kraft.
Just like the cheese.
- Loser. - And I heard that.
Now, I am happy to announce that the pep club has decided
to decorate the dance this Friday with posters honouring each football player.
- Wow, Harvey, your own poster. - And that's not all.
These posters will be made by each player's girlfriend.
So, gals, get busy.
That's ridiculous.
Let's just hope you have Tourette's, little missy.
Just because a girl's dating a football player
doesn't mean she has time to do artwork for him on demand.
Yeah, well, you see, we're just talking about
sprucing up the dance, not taking back the vote.
I think posters are a brilliant idea.
Well, thank you, Libby.
And thank your father for that box of steaks.
You understand what I mean, don't you?
I'd feel like your slave.
No, I understand. It's a stupid idea.
- Who needs a poster? - Right.
So now, what were you saying about tuxedos?
- Oh, I need help deciding... - Sorry. We'll talk later.
Oh, well. Maybe one day you'll have a girlfriend who cares about you.
Oh, no.
Sabrina forgot this again. I know we're not allowed to tell her
what will happen if she fails, but, how about I just zap it to her?
- Hey. - It's Sabrina's responsibility.
We're not allowed to meddle.
All right.
You know, it's weird.
I keep counting this, and I keep coming up short.
Really?
Oh, please, please. Oh, please.
- Hey. - Hi. I don't have time to talk.
I've gotta get to my AP Algebra after-school lecture credit,
college-prep thing.
Well, okay, but can I have the cookies?
What cookies?
The cookies you said you'd bake for the sale.
- It's starting in five minutes. - Right. Wait here.
If you wish to run, Miss Spellman,
the girl's track-and-field team meets after school.
In the hallway, we walk.
Yes, sir.
And, Miss Spellman, I would...
Well, where did those come from?
Bakery?
No, I just bumped into you five seconds ago.
You did not have any cookies.
Yes, I did.
If I weren't on antihistamines, I'd look into this.
- Oh, no. Now? - Are you ready?
Put those back. I conjured those.
Oh, just reverse my spell.
- I don't know how. - It's on page 77.
You know, you really should try studying.
Toodles.
I have to go. Where are the cookies?
Robbery? I'm sorry, I forgot. I was really busy.
You know, Sabrina, you're always busy these days.
It's like you don't have time to be my girlfriend.
That's not true. I've just had other really important stuff to do.
- So I'm not important. - I didn't say that.
Let's just forget about the dance. I'm sure you're too busy anyway.
Hilda, I've been thinking about what we should do with the bond money.
I think we should invest it.
Oh, no. You promised this would be fun money.
Really? Doesn't sound like me.
I don't wanna be practical.
Come on, Zeldy. Imagine your wildest dream.
Okay.
Another T-bill, please.
No, no, no. Here, I'll show you how to daydream.
- Is that Erik Estrada? - Yeah. I loved him in CHiPs.
Oh, but you have to see him in Dos Mujeres, Un Camino.
But you can't buy Erik Estrada.
No. But maybe you can lure him
with this '62 Thunderbird convertible.
- Now try again. - All right.
Much better.
Sorry. I really like investing.
We are not blowing centuries of interest on more interest.
At least let me lick your hands.
Sabrina?
You were a little unfocused today.
- Was I? - Yeah.
You see, six times seven is 42, not 12.
Sorry.
Man, do I need a cupcake.
Maybe it's because I went generic, I don't know.
Darn HMO. Who's supposed to read this?
Hi. Got a minute?
Actually, I'm in the middle of something important.
Here's your yummy doodles.
Well, whenever you wanna talk, I'm ready.
Trouble with the little lady?
How about we buy stocks? That's exciting. It's just like gambling.
No one talk to me. I have to call Harvey.
We're obviously never going to agree, so how about we flip for it?
Winner takes all.
Deal.
My head, I win. Your head, you lose.
Yeah, like I'm gonna fall for that old trick.
Again.
What's going on?
His father said Harvey's still not home. Why won't he talk to me?
Maybe because he's still not home.
Besides, don't you have other more important things to worry about?
- You rang? - Great. The stressmaster.
You know, the other kids I quiz give me stuff.
How about molecular transference, Sabrina?
Can you do that?
I'd bone up if I were you.
Oh, and remember.
Fudge is a nice way to say, "I care."
You got a cute one.
He's right. I'm not ready. I don't know molecular transference.
Sure you do.
You know how to zap yourself from one place to another.
Yeah. Go ahead. Put yourself behind the counter.
You're thinking about too much. Clear your mind.
Try again.
Oh, dear.
You've shorted your finger.
- Too much stress. - Rats.
- Well, look at that. I won. - Rats.
Okay.
A panel of teachers read everyone's editorials, and...
We all like Libby's.
Well, all the teachers thought Libby's was really good.
- All right. - But not quite as interesting
as Sabrina's.
Sabrina, you are the new editor of the Westbridge Lantern.
Thanks. I can handle this.
I think.
That's just wrong.
You're the editor.
I'm the editor's friend.
There is no way this can't be cool.
Talk to you later.
What's all that?
Newspaper stuff.
- I'm editor. I know it's more work, but... - No. It's great.
Lots of famous people were editors of their school newspaper.
Really? Like who?
Charlemagne?
- Sabrina... - I know.
- Let's never fight again. - Okay. And I've been thinking
I'd like to make you a poster for the dance.
Doesn't that sort of go against everything you believe in?
Yeah, but big deal.
- Do you have the time? - Sure.
- Thanks. - And I bet if the girls in science club
got their boyfriends to make them posters, you'd make one for me, right?
You bet.
They're not, are they?
I didn't mean that about the dance. I really want you to come.
- I'd love to. - Great.
You haven't ordered that powder blue tux yet, have you?
There. Poster's done.
- What do you think? - It's gorgeous.
If you're into gushy.
Okay. Now time to study the handbook.
I think I'll start with molecular transference.
Howdy.
- Look, I'm studying. - Oh, great.
- It's time. - But I'm not ready.
Nope. I don't care.
Okay.
Sabrina Spellman, are you ready to be tested?
I told you, no.
Too bad.
Sabrina Spellman, here is your quiz:
Train A left Sturbridge at 8:00. Train B left Boston at 6:30.
What time will they meet in Westbridge?
I can do this. Okay, what speed are they going?
I believe this is your test.
I know how to find the speed.
Molecular transference.
Come through, and there's a new ring in your future.
Yes. Excuse me. Seventy-five miles per hour.
Thank you.
Who are you?
I'm a dream.
You're dreaming that someone came for the speed...
Sixty-two miles per hour. - Got the speed, and left.
I hate these night runs.
Got it. The trains should meet in Westbridge at 1:03 a.m.
Right. Unfortunately, there's only one track in Westbridge.
And it's already 1:02.
I know. I'll just divert them.
Trains are big And they are leaded
Move them away From where they're headed
- I did it. - Excellent. Except...
- Except what? - Except when things are diverted
they have to go somewhere.
You have to remember that all magic has consequences.
And you have to think about the consequences
before you act.
So I got it wrong?
People are gonna write country music about how wrong you got it.
Let me guess. You failed your first try?
- I'll get it next time. - I'm sure you will.
But, unfortunately, there's a penalty.
No dessert?
Witch camp? What's witch camp?
It's like military school.
If military school were run by really strict, sadistic witches.
It'll be okay. We'll pick you up in two days.
Two days? But I'll miss Harvey's dance.
But you'll learn to kill and cook your own food.