HILDA: I love this time of year.
Christmas carols, sleigh rides, gigantic electric bills.
Sabrina, want to give us a hand?
In a sec. I'm revising my Christmas wish list.
This year I'm hoping for a computer, a mountain bike...
Oh, and this great ski jacket I saw at the mall.
SALEM: You're not exactly the Little Match Girl, are you?
Those sound pretty expensive, Sabrina.
I know. That's why I prepared a list of backup gift ideas
in a variety of price ranges. Gotta go.
Oh, and you'll note on the bottom,
I've listed the times I won't be around,
so you can wrap my presents.
Don't worry. I went through that "give me" phase. It'll pass.
ZELDA: You're right.
Hey. Give me that wise man.
Well, guess we're almost finished decorating,
except for the tree.
You know, it's lovely.
But Christmas is a mortal holiday.
Shouldn't we do the tree the mortal way?
- Okay. I'll conjure up a plastic one. - Oh, no.
I meant, shouldn't we go and buy a tree
and decorate it by hand?
All right.
- Where do they sell trees? - The forest?
Too much rouge?
So I can't decide whether I shoot
for A, the computer and the mountain bike,
B, the computer and the ski jacket,
or C, all of the above.
I'd hate to be there if you got a savings bond.
Hey, you wanna go to the mall with me
and do some important Christmas present research?
Can't. Gotta work.
Got a job at Hilmann's as a Santa Claus.
Is that just for the holiday season?
It's an okay job. What bothers me is when the little kids go home
thinking they're gonna get everything they asked for.
A lot of them are gonna be disappointed.
Aw. Poor kids.
So should I ask for a helmet with the mountain bike,
or do you think that's just implied?
The Army was defeated at Brandywine...
SABRINA: Should I get the mountain bike or the jacket?
Definitely the mountain bike.
George Washington relocated to Valley Forge.
SABRINA: Mountain bike, George Washington...
- Sabrina. Sabrina? GLASS: Sabrina.
We're talking about a very bloody war.
Why are you smiling?
Because I've been desensitized by popular culture?
SALEM: Oh, I see.
First you kill the tree, and then you humiliate it.
Doing mortal things the mortal way just feels right.
My thumbs are numb.
You know, I was thinking, when we finish with the tree,
that we could roast some chestnuts the mortal way.
Oh, good grief. What's next? Driving to the store?
- Hey, what did you get? - Let's see, meat glop,
fruit glop, vegetable glop and glop glop.
- Yum. Save me a seat? - Always.
Now, what sounds edible?
A baked potato.
[IN RUSSIAN]
Excellent.
Where did you get that?
Um, I ordered the kosher meal.
- Want a bite? - No, thanks. It smells like vodka.
[ZELDA GROANS]
For the last time, when I push, you pull. Got it?
- Could you be less technical? ZELDA: Oh!
SALEM: Keep trimming that tree,
and you'll be able to use it in your car as an air freshener.
- Hi, Harvey. - Hey, Libby.
- Got any plans for the holidays? - Like it matters.
I hate Christmas.
What's your take on Kwanza?
Usually like all the presents, but this year
I have to be around my bratty stepbrother, Russell.
Really? Your family has a brat in it?
He colours with my lipsticks, drips chocolate on my stuff,
and he can cry on cue.
What's your problem, freak?
Hoping Santa will give you a personality this year?
And a crossbow!
Push, push. Push! Push!
I knew those Lamaze classes would pay off.
ZELDA: There. - We have the makings
- of a beautiful fire hazard. - What do you think?
That's what a mortal tree looks like?
No wonder they drink during the holidays.
I'm gonna conjure some more asparagus. Want some?
No, thanks. You put too much ketchup on yours.
Hey, somebody took a bite out of it.
I did. You didn't conjure your own asparagus, you took mine.
You think there's something wrong with my magic?
Conjure something else, we'll see.
I could use some protein. How about a wharf rat?
How about a blouse?
There. I'm fine. And I have good taste.
Zelda, how was the lecture?
For a six-part dissertation
on the reproductive cycle of garden snails,
it was awfully dry.
And, boy, it is really getting cold outside.
Here's a tip, try wearing clothes.
Hey! What happened to my blouse? It was my favourite--
--Green silk one?
Sabrina, how many times do I have to tell you to ask
before you borrow my clothes?
Especially when I'm already wearing them.
Something's wrong with me, Aunt Zelda.
I conjured asparagus, I got Aunt Hilda's. I tried to conjure a blouse, I got yours.
Whatever you do, don't conjure anything fur.
HILDA: What do you think it is, Zeldy?
Well, from what I know, the problem may be psychological.
Now, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Dr. Bull is one of the most highly regarded
witch psychiatrists around.
She's got two doctorates from Other Realm universities
and one from Utah State.
And tell me again why I had to sign that lobotomy release form?
And that about wraps it up. Can I go now?
Conjures things from others, narcissism.
Based on these symptoms, one would conclude
that you're suffering from egotitis.
Me? I'm not the one with the wall full of diplomas.
Attacks when provoked.
It's a textbook case.
You're behaving like a little girl.
Am not!
What say we have a chat with your inner child?
Hey, I recognise you.
You're always encouraging me to run with scissors.
Tell me, inner child,
what do you like most about Christmas?
All the presents.
Do you enjoy being with other people at Christmas?
If they bring me presents.
Thank you. That will be all.
INNER CHILD: Where's my presents?
Sorry. I didn't know my inner child would be so childish.
Or sticky. I see what's happening here.
You're trying to recapture
the excitement of Christmas you felt as a child.
So you're acting like a child. Or, medically speaking,
a spoiled brat.
So do I need a shot, or can I get away with an inhaler?
It's not that easy.
The cure for this malady must come from within.
You've got to rediscover the magic of Christmas.
And when you do, your egotitis will go away.
- That's it? - Except for this.
Hundred and twenty dollars, please.
ZELDA: Feeling a little more in the spirit, dear?
I'm trying, but I just don't feel very Christmassy.
Maybe some music would help.
Put on a Johnny Mathis Christmas album.
Whatever. I'll try anything.
I swear my Christmas album was here a minute ago.
Come on, John. Get ahold of yourself.
[JOHNNY MATHIS SINGING "O HOLY NIGHT"]
Oh, is he the dreamiest or what?
And his voice is good too. Wait a second.
"Property of J. Mathis."
Sabrina, you didn't conjure up a CD.
You just took one from Johnny Mathis.
Oh, man, don't tell me my egotitis still hasn't gone away.
Hey, maybe if I open some presents, I'll feel better.
Oh, no, I shook that one last night. It was good.
Sabrina, when you have egotitis, you can't get any presents.
Receiving gifts only makes it worse.
This better be gone by my birthday.
What's the point of Christmas without presents?
Ever notice that building with the steeple and the bells?
So there's gotta be something you guys can do.
Well, there is someone who could help.
And we didn't call him before because...?
He's a very big hoo-hah in the Other Realm.
- Who is he? - Bob.
So his parents didn't know he'd be important when they named him.
Let's summon him with the Bob song.
ZELDA [SINGS]: Hm.
BOTH [SINGING]: Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob
How do you remember the lyrics?
- Hey. What's up? - Oh, hello, Bob.
We have a problem.
Our niece Sabrina has a case of egotitis.
Yeah, that's not your only problem.
- It isn't? - No, you've got
one sorry-looking Christmas tree.
It looked better with presents.
Ohh. Trying to recapture the spirit of Christmas, huh?
- Mm. Can you help? - I'll give it a shot.
I know.
Say, why don't you and I take a little trip to Christmas past?
No, it's been done.
Trust me, the trip to the graveyard is quite depressing.
Why don't you and I try to go and recapture
your childhood Christmas memories?
And maybe have a look at the new Chryslers.
You have met this guy before, right?
Ow!
- Why'd you hit me? - "Ow"?
WOMAN: Oh, Russell? - What'd you do?
- What'd you hit him for? - It's not my fault.
MAN: What are you doing?
MAN: Merry Christmas.
Cold, fun, snow, Libby in trouble.
Bob, I'm beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.
Well, see, I told you, it was only a matter of-- Oh!
SABRINA: Oh, no. Are you okay?
Oh, no. I slipped on some ice.
And I don't remember my ankle being the size of a grapefruit.
Don't worry, I'll get you a cane.
- Oh, thanks. MAN: My cane!
- What happened to my cane? - Oh, just my luck.
Don't tell me I still have egotitis.
Let's see, I'm hurt, grandpa's down,
you're still worried about getting presents.
Oh, smart money would be on "yes."
Voilà!
You know, I've got to admit it. I'm really proud of us.
We did it all by ourselves, just like a mortal family.
Do you want to zap it, or should I?
I will.
Little gaudy, don't you think?
SABRINA: Help! Hurt Bob in the kitchen!
You take it easy. We'll get you an ice pack.
- Everything is going to be fine. - Absolutely.
Do you realise what you've done?
- What, Bob's gonna sue? - No. He's Santa Claus.
- What? HILDA: That's right.
You've just maimed Father Christmas.
So I guess I'm not the only one not getting presents this year.
So if you're Santa, how come you're not chubby?
Oh, combination of cardiovascular exercise
and a little weight-training. Could be that tapeworm.
Anyway, I've got a lot of deliveries to make. Ha-ha.
Ho, ho, ho-- Ohh! Oh!
You are not going anywhere.
Isn't there someone that could fill in?
Like a temp service or a cousin?
Well, there's always Mrs. Claus, but I can't call her.
She works for UPS. This time of year, they're real crazy.
Well, Hilda and I can't help.
We have to stay and take care of you.
There must be somebody.
Me? But Bob and I were this close to curing my egotitis.
A few more hours, I'll be back to normal.
Couldn't we just order everyone something from a catalogue?
SABRINA: Okay, I've got it.
Head due north and look for reindeer.
But don't take the first "Santa's Workshop" exit.
Take the second.
Okay. This is a girl who has trouble
getting to school on time, and she's supposed to
deliver millions of presents by tomorrow morning?
Am I the only one who sees a problem?
You know, Salem, that's an excellent point.
SALEM: "That's an excellent point. That's an excellent point."
That is the last time I point out the flaw in someone's logic.
Mayday! Mayday! Intruder on the premises!
- Who are you? - Sabrina. Don't panic.
Santa's had a little accident.
No. It's okay. I'm gonna fill in for him.
No, I promise it'll be fine.
Who are you?
We're Santa's elves.
Well, I thought Santa's elves were small.
You're probably thinking of Fritz.
Whenever somebody whips out a camera,
guess who always happens to be next to Santa.
What are you building?
- A CD player. - Seriously?
Man. You guys are good.
Yeah, perhaps you didn't know this, but we're on a deadline!
- How about wrapping? All right. - Gotcha.
How about a palm-sized digital camera?
Not for me, but a friend who's fallen on hard times.
We'll call him Salem.
- Ohh. Oh, boy. - Is there anything else, Bob?
I don't want to be an imposition, please.
Oh, Bob, you could never be an imposition.
Well, if you insist.
How about a couple burgers,
chocolate malted and some chips?
Hey, either of you gals up for a game of Mouse Trap?
SALEM: What's that gonna be?
A Ferrari, if someone would stop breathing down my neck.
I will if I can have a pipe cleaner.
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
- Fritz is wound a little tight. - The naughty/nice list is missing.
Okay. It's almost midnight, the list is missing,
I keep running into Fritz under the mistletoe.
Calm down. Okay, everyone retrace your steps.
That would put me under the mistletoe.
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
That guy's beginning to get on my nerves.
I found the list! The reindeer ate it. The reindeer ate it.
What are you gonna do?
- Me? - You're in charge.
Do you know how many palms I had to grease to get on that nice list?
And nobody made a copy?
Oh, there is a copy of the list on that thing,
but none of us know how to use it.
Oh, I bet I can.
You know, it only takes a minute to learn how to use these things.
Santa won't let us touch it.
Not since somebody got addicted to solitaire.
Hilda, wait!
I've got a few more things for you to pick up.
Two gallons of ice cream, four lemon meringue pies,
a box of frozen onion rings and a case of Birch Beer.
Nobody makes a list like Santa.
Let's go! Let's go! It's almost Christmas in Tokyo.
Okay, okay. here's your itinerary.
We had AAA make you a TripTik.
- Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! - I swear, one of these days...
He does overreact.
The reindeer are sick! The reindeer are sick!
He may have a point.
It must have been the list they ate.
What are we gonna do?
Think Zelda will let us borrow the station waggon?
There's no time. These children need presents.
Okay. We've all had our little laugh.
Now, take the nose off.
Ready to rock?
Is there still something on my head?
- Good luck! - Godspeed.
They're never gonna make it.
You-know-who is ready for his pedicure.
- Your turn. BOB: Zelda!
I'd like the black-cherry nail polish!
It is not my turn. I clipped his ear hair.
How fast does that stuff grow?
Well, that does it for the Baltic States.
- Want another pierogi? - No, thanks.
I've already had moussaka, baklava and pad thai.
What was I thinking?
Buck up. I see downtown Westbridge ahead.
Hey, there's Libby's house.
Great. I can yak in her stocking.
No, I got her the perfect present. Merry Christmas, Libby.
- What? - Here, Libby.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, Russell. It's a little jewellery box.
I made it myself.
Hey. You wanna split the roof of my gingerbread house?
So you gave her love for her stepbrother?
It seemed like the right thing to do.
I would have given her the lump of coal,
but then I'm not the one wearing the red hat.
ZELDA [SINGING]: She'll be coming around the mountain
When she comes
She'll be coming Around the mountain
She'll be coming around The mountain
She'll be coming around The mountain when she comes
- Yee-haw! - Yee-haw!
Encore! Encore!
Oh, but wait now. How about some more food first?
Perhaps a bit more coq au vin?
Bob, don't you think you should maybe be watching the calories?
No. It's just water weight.
Band-Aids, cotton balls, aspirin?
What good is a first-aid kit without a stomach pump?
- Look. Harvey's house. - I can't look down.
What did you get him for Christmas?
A little miracle. Merry Christmas, Harvey.
HILDA: I couldn't sleep at all last night.
Kept thinking about that line,
"He sees you when you're sleeping."
- Merry Christmas. SALEM: Must eat grass.
Merry Christmas. How was it?
You're looking at a changed woman.
I don't even care if I get any presents today.
[ZELDA GASPS]
Look. Your egotitis is gone.
I bet there's someone that could use this more than me.
[IN ENGLISH]
BOB: Well, congratulations, Sabrina.
You've discovered how to re-create the childhood magic of Christmas,
by making Christmas magic for others.
Hey, I could have used that suit. It was freezing out there.
[BOB CHUCKLES]
Well, now that you're cured, I can go home.
But your ankle, doesn't it hurt?
- No. I was faking the whole thing. - You were?
- Yeah. - To teach me a lesson, right?
Well, there's that. Plus I could use a break from,
"Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!"
[SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING]
Well, here's my ride.
Listen, uh, next year, how about I have
a little Monte Cristo sandwich waiting for me by the chimney?
- Bob, there's something-- - Ah, I almost forgot.
- For us? BOB: Well...
"Mozart: Live at Emperor Joseph's Court"? Wow!
I recorded it myself. Wolfy was really hot that night.
"An invitation to a meeting of the minds at Stephen Hawking's."
Oh, my goodness. I've dreamed about this.
That's why no one ever stays mad at Santa.
SALEM: So the next time you're abroad, remember my simple rule,
Kielbasa and sauerkraut, yes.
Kielbasa and menudo and haggis, no.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
- Merry Christmas. - Harvey.
I got you a present.
Oh, a mouse. In grey. That goes with everything.
I was planning to get you the whole computer,
but then they took all those taxes out of my paycheque.
Well, it was a wonderful thought. So was it fun playing Santa?
- Well, it's hard work. - Don't I know it.
Oh, you'll never believe this.
I got a call from the department store.
Apparently, all the kids who came to see me
got exactly what they asked for. It's like a miracle.
You're welcome. I mean, oh, look!
Mistletoe.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Oh, boy! The Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart.
How'd you know my other album got all scratched?
This is for you, Zeldy. I made it the mortal way.
Really?
No. What'd you get me?
Something you'll really like.
Johnny Mathis? Cool. This is the best Christmas ever.
[SINGING] O holy night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night
Of our dear saviour's birth
Great. I didn't get anything for Johnny.
MATHIS: Long may the world...