Great.
Friday afternoon. No one around. Levitation spell.
Follow me.
Heavy reading.
It looked like your book bag was just floating behind you.
Ha, ha, wouldn't I love that?
But I...
All right, that's the last time I buy Minoxidil out of somebody's trunk.
Giddyap.
Oh, I need a horse.
Hey, guess what. I was the 23rd caller to the radio station
and I won two tickets to the Lisa Loeb concert this weekend.
You're kidding. I've devoted my life to being the 23rd caller.
But I'm a purist. I never use speed dial.
So you wanna go? They're great seats.
You mean we can actually see the band?
- I can't. - Why?
Well, I went out twice last week
and I sort of promised my aunts I'd stay in and do some schoolwork.
It's not like I have a lot. Heh.
The seats are right next to the speakers.
Oh, man. That's where the fights usually break out.
Never puts anything away.
Leaves mail everywhere.
I don't want to know.
You need something?
You in a better mood?
Oh, I'm just irritated with Hilda.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a small child.
Except this child can reach the high cabinets.
You know, maybe you should talk to her.
Uh, and I think it would be best if I wasn't around.
And amazingly enough, Harvey is willing to take me away to a concert.
Oh, you wanna know the time. Friday at 9.
Didn't you say you were gonna stay home this weekend?
Possibly.
Didn't you say you had a lot of work to do?
You're paraphrasing, but yes.
And didn't you promise not to even ask permission to go somewhere?
Heh, that Aunt Hilda's a real pain, huh?
I went to a bad movie and a 99-cent store with Valerie
and for that I have to miss a free concert?
Oh, I'll feel sorry for you tonight
when I'm sleeping in my wicker basket by those old paint cans.
I can't believe Zelda.
Where does she get off holding me to what I agreed to?
What is that famous expression?
"If at first you don't succeed, try another aunt."
- Doesn't sound very honest. - You want honest
or do you wanna go out and bleed from your ears with Harvey?
- Lose something? - My mind, possibly.
I bought a new pair of shoes.
I left them on this table for 10 seconds,
and now they're gone.
I'd say they didn't walk off by themselves,
but in this house it could happen.
I know what happened: Zelda.
She's a compulsive neat freak.
Back during the plague, she used to get upset
if people didn't leave their dead in neat, tidy rows.
Speaking of neat, Harvey won these incredible concert tickets.
- Wow. - I thought I should ask permission.
Hey, you know my motto: life's short and--
Wait a minute. Did you talk to the queen of clean about this?
Aunt Zelda? Well, sort of.
She was busy complaining about how messy you are.
That woman.
I'll bet she said no.
No. She did not say no.
Well, then, note your exits and bring me a T-shirt.
All right. Thanks, Aunt Hilda.
[LISA LOEB'S "I DO" PLAYING]
- Can you hear? - What?
Can you hear?
- I only brought a dollar. - What?
HARVEY: Good night, Sabrina.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
- Sabrina. - Still up?
[THUNDER CRASHES]
I'll take that as a yes.
Who brewed the storm?
Hey, how was the concert?
You knew she was going?
Yeah. I told her that she could go.
Should I not have?
- You said she didn't say no. - Which was true.
Technically.
I see what happened here.
You didn't like my answer,
so you went behind my back to my irresponsible sister.
What? I am just as responsible as you are.
Hey, I'm trying to sleep.
Why can't you act like a normal family and argue on the front lawn?
Hilda, if you were really responsible,
Sabrina would not have gone to that concert.
If you weren't a stick-in-the-mud, she wouldn't have had to come to me.
If I'm stuck in the mud, it's because of the mess you make.
Door.
Thanks. I was just gonna get that.
GORDIE: So if there's no new business,
then that concludes this meeting of the Science Club.
Oh, uh, uh,
I know this is non-Science Club business, but uh, I was just wondering.
Uh, my parents are going away for the weekend,
and, you know, we have that big-screen TV,
and the indoor pool--
Empty-house party!
[STUDENTS CHEERING]
Great. Why can't Gordie's parents
have a couples-therapy weekend when I'm not grounded?
Hey, did you hear about Gordie's party?
I bet the cops will be there before 10.
- I can't go. - You have to go.
You'll have nothing in common with the entire student body if you don't go.
I mean, I'll still like you,
but I don't think we'll have anything to talk about.
- No. - Oh, but everyone's going.
I even think the custodial staff is coming.
No. No fun.
But this isn't fun. It's a matter of survival.
If I don't go, I'll be president of the Geeks Anonymous,
only I won't be anonymous.
Then I hope God grants you the serenity
to know that my answer is something you can't change.
So you went home during lunch?
Your Aunt Hilda's still saying no?
Now she's moved on to "No way"
and "Ask again and you'll never see sunlight."
Hi, Harvey.
Sabrina, I heard Ellen Healy can't go to the party either,
so she's transferring to another school.
It's just a dumb party.
Right. And New Year's Eve, 1999
will be just another night of hats and horns.
But don't worry, I'll be there to keep Harvey company.
This party will be so big, she'll never find me.
[FOOT STOMPS]
ZELDA: Where is my carbolic acid?
[SIGHS]
Hilda.
I can't ask Aunt Zelda to let me go to that party.
- Do it. Do it. - Okay, I'm going in.
- Aunt Zelda? - Yes?
Uh, I'll make this quick.
Uh, the president of the Science Club is having a...
- What? What? - The Science Club.
Oh, I love the Science Club.
I wish your Aunt Hilda had had more science.
I think it makes a person organised.
Oh, well, I tried to talk to her about this, but-- Pfft.
She grew distracted by something shiny?
Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one, Aunt Zelda. You're pretty funny.
Well, you can tell me. I love science.
Okay, well, um, see, this Saturday, the Science Club is having a special--
Meeting?
Yes. People will be meeting.
Well, you go, then. Women in science, Sabrina.
That's the future. You go.
And you be the brightest one there.
Um...
Okay.
Aren't you glad you didn't miss this party?
What?
Hello, Sabrina.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
But before you ground me again, I think you should know
that the trend these days is to factor in time served.
What are you gonna do to me?
Under the circumstances--
The only thing we can do.
- You're throwing me out? - No. I'm moving out.
This is a very odd punishment.
You guys can't split up.
Well, look at what's happened. We're not good parents together.
This is all my fault.
Nonsense. You're just one of a multitude of things we disagree on.
I've already picked out a lovely townhouse.
I loathe townhouses. See? We even disagree on that.
You'll come stay with me this weekend.
- Well, see you, Zeldy. - Bye, Hildy.
I can't believe this happened.
I can't believe you tricked me into letting you go to that party.
Well, now that Aunt Hilda's gone,
why don't we just blame it all on her and call it a night? Ha.
[CHUCKLES]
Welcome to Chez Hilda.
It didn't look like this when I moved in.
I did a little remodelling with magic.
You are aware this looks exactly like Aunt Zelda's place?
It's the exact opposite.
Plus, I added a doily.
I hate it.
Come on, I'll show you your room.
How can you hate it? It's just like home.
Because I hate change, and it smells like sweat and spit.
- That's you. - Oh.
- Oh, hi. - Hey.
- What are you doing here? - Just checking out your new digs.
Can't quiz you if I can't find you.
Mind if I, uh, use your shower?
Go ahead. Just don't use my razor again.
Hurry up and unpack. I'll take you to school,
and then I'll get ready for the party.
- Party? - Yeah.
I'm having a housewarming.
I'll need to zap in chips, decorations, guests...
I better go make a list.
Don't forget the quinine water.
Fun party? Could this get any worse.
Oh, come on. Sure, it's a little weird,
but, you know, moving between two houses has its upside.
I hear travel broadens you.
[CRYING]
I'm a latchkey kitty.
[BLOWS NOSE]
- Hey. - Hey, that's my lunch.
I have a message for you.
You're summoned to a meeting of the Witches' Council.
LIBBY: Mr. Kraft, I wanted to run an idea by you.
KRAFT: Mm-hm. - Reserved seating in the cafeteria.
But-- Here's the best part: only for cheerleaders.
Now? But I'm at--
[SABRINA YELLS]
Fascinating. I'll have to get back to you on that.
My ex-wife is behind this. I just know it.
Why am I here?
Oh, parking ticket? Beheading? I didn't ask.
This custody hearing regarding Sabrina Spellman will come to order.
But I'm already in custody.
My parents turned my witch training over to my aunts and I live with them.
But your aunts are kaput.
The Witches' Council insists you reside in only one household.
- Why? - Check Article 12, Section 15.
Because you say so?
Now, you have to choose which aunt you wish to live with.
This choice will affect the rest of your life,
so choose wisely.
Okay, who's it gonna be?
You want me to decide now?
You've lived with them for over a year. You must have a favourite by now.
So spill it. I got a squash game.
I don't have a favourite. I love both.
This is a court of law.
This is not a greeting-card company.
We'll reconvene later for your decision.
Ready?
- You're going down this time, man. - Come on. Come on. Come on, then.
Oh, that's it? No help?
I hope you both get...
...squash elbow.
Whoo.
Oh, my-- This-- That's-- You-- You should--
Whee!
JUDGE: So, Sabrina,
I trust you've made up your mind which aunt to live with?
I can't decide. I guess we'll just have to forget the whole thing.
We should grant you a "What if?" spell.
What's a "What if?"
It allows you to look into the future and see what might happen if, say,
you never brushed your teeth.
Or if dogs took shorthand.
I see, like, what if Kenan and Kel won the lottery?
Where did you put the ticket?
- What? What are you doing? - I got hungry.
Keep looking.
Oh, oh!
Oh, yes. Hey, Kel. Kel, man, I found the ticket, Kel.
Hey, Kel. Man, I found the ticket--
[CRIES]
Bite?
Okay, let me try a "what if?"
- Uh, what if--? - Excuse me.
This is the remote. We've gone digital.
Okay, let me try again.
Uh, what if I went to live with Aunt Hilda?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
SABRINA: Harvey. Hey.
Grab some wheels. Let's go mountain biking up the stairs.
No, thanks. I just wondered what happened to you.
Oh, right. We were supposed to get married.
- I figured you forgot. - No, no, no.
You gave me a licence to sign. It's around here somewhere.
Oh, here it is. Sorry about the gum.
- It's not too late, is it? - Yeah.
I gave you that three years ago.
Man, I'm so disorganized.
Well, you're here now. Let me grab my coat.
Sabrina, I've moved on. I married someone else.
- And you didn't call? - I did.
You told me you'd call me back after you finished your game of "Tetris."
How's that going, by the way?
Look, I came here because I wanted you to meet my wife.
Honey?
[SCREAMS]
All right, she's alive.
- Can we go now? - You wanna meet our little one?
Ew.
Okay, that's not good.
I don't thing I need to see if I choose Aunt Zelda.
Let's assume that it'd be better than that.
Never assume.
Two parts citric acid, one part noodles--
LIBBY: Sabrina? - Come on in, Libby.
I've come for my weekly supply of your anti-aging cream.
Sure. Here you go.
- What do you say? - Sabrina's the best. I'm a freak.
Okay, I'm helping mankind and keeping Libby on a short leash.
There's more.
KRAFT: Sabrina. - Come in, Mr. Kraft.
I've come for my weekly jar of anti-aging cream.
Here you go.
Thanks so much for letting me be a part of your experiment.
Now, you be honest to me, now.
I'm in the placebo group, aren't I?
Not necessarily. You could be part of Group C.
They're getting aging cream.
- Uh-uh. - But probably not.
If you were, you'd have suffered some loss of hearing.
Oh, thank you very much. I just got these shoes.
Okay, well, see you next week. Hopefully.
KRAFT: Say hi to Sabrina if you see her.
So my science is going well, but it looks like I'm still alone.
HARVEY: Sabrina, could you hand me my book if you're not busy?
Great. Harvey and I are together.
I'm definitely voting for Aunt Zelda.
No problem, honey.
You know, as soon as I finish these next 49 experiments
I'm gonna find out not just how but why you dissolved.
No rush, but I would like to be let out of the anti-aging experiment.
- Why? - Because I think it's keeping me alive.
You've seen both scenarios.
What is your decision?
Well, I definitely don't want to live with Kenan and Kel.
- I don't know. - I'll give you one more day,
but that's it.
If you haven't made a decision by then, I'll be forced to pick for you.
And I'm thinking orphanage.
Salem, what am I gonna do?
I can't just choose one.
I have to find a way to get Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda back together.
Is there a spell that would force them to share a spleen?
Okay. How about if I find something that they both love and cherish
and put it in danger?
Oh, what are you gonna do to me?
Not you. Me.
Oh, thank goodness. But I am willing to help.
I could push you down the stairs.
SABRINA: Aunt Hilda?
Aunt Hilda, I think I might be sick.
That makes two of us.
Oh, let's get you to Zelda.
Crisis management is not my strong suit.
Do you mind riding in the back?
Well, the good news is no lice.
The bad news: not even enough hair for a decent combover.
Aunt Hilda, will you stay the night with me?
Yes, honey. Do you mind, Zelda?
Oh, not at all. I'd appreciate it.
I'm gonna go make you some nice noodle soup.
I put that under C, for chicken.
Or was it P, for poultry?
I'd better help.
Salem, it's working. They'll be back together in no time.
I've been sizing up their spleens just in case.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
ZELDA: Thank you for coming so quickly. We need a specialist.
No, they called the doctor!
I was against this plan from the beginning.
I thought she was a specialist.
HILDA: She is. A specialist in hairdressing.
- She thinks you have a follicle problem. - I think my brain might be sweating.
Ah.
Are we in the neighbourhood?
No! It's horrible!
Oh, well, listen, don't worry.
It can be fixed.
Listen, I'm gonna need a bucket of ice,
some antiseptic ointment,
and I need Sabrina to sign a release form.
And, uh, why don't you turn up the stereo?
It helps drown out the screams.
Stop. I can fix it myself.
- Would restraints help? - It was a spell.
I was trying to get you guys back together
because I don't like us not being a family anymore.
You did what?
Look, if I were sick, could I do this:
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Okay, so I'm no Ken Berry.
Sabrina, we have a confession to make.
We didn't really split up.
Okay, you live in two different houses because...?
We pretended to split up to help you learn
that we're better parents as a unit.
You shouldn't pit us against one another.
You couldn't tell me this before because...?
We did, and you responded by sneaking off to the Science Club party.
And I have no response for that because--
- You know we're right. - But why did the cat have to suffer?
Wait, this couldn't have been a ruse.
I mean, I was called before the Witches' Council.
And we were happy to help.
It's been a slow month, and I've got teenagers at home.
Talk about your full-service organisation.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I've gotta go deal with a little boy who won't wash behind his ears.
This time, I get to be a matador.
Well, I've certainly learned my lesson.
But are we all aware that he did not fix my hair?
And now aren't you glad you're grounded?
Oh, thank you for returning Sabrina's book.
Oh, no problem.
You know, it's kind of funny.
My grandmother's been wanting me to see someone.
I'm sure you'll meet someone nice when you least expect it.
No, this is "see someone" as in psychiatrist.
Although admittedly, I have been seeing
quite a few strange things here and there. Mostly here.
I don't know what you're referring to.
Well, strange sparkly things and paper dissolving
and staircase slides
and a townhouse that looks identical to this Victorian home.
Oh, you don't need a psychiatrist.
You just have a wonderfully active imagination.
You probably feel so free to let yourself go around us
because we're so relaxed and comforting.
- And normal. - Good, so we're normal.
SABRINA: Oh, quit complaining, Salem. I think you look cute.
- Anything else? - I-- No.
SALEM: I'm not happy.