- You started your report yet? - Almost.
Everyone knows a good paper's 30 percent writing,
70 percent colour-coordinating your highlighters.
Well, if and when you do start it,
at least you'll have a nice, quiet place to work in.
Zelda and I are gonna take a trip.
Is that a euphemism for "plastic surgery"?
We haven't decided where we're vacationing,
although Hilda is pushing for Atlantis.
The kelp is in full bloom.
Will you be all right alone while we're away?
Are you kidding? I've never had the house to myself. Gotta call Val.
Ow.
Right after I finish my paper.
- Such a good girl. - And so trustworthy.
What a coincidence. The topic of my paper is child abuse.
Let them eat cake, but save me some.
ZELDA: You need a hand with those? - No, thanks. I got them.
Huh! Do you mind?
Check this out. "Time-space continuum excursions.
Three days, two nights." And you come back younger.
Oh, let's try something really different.
"The third ring of Saturn. Now with single-deck blackjack."
Let's go see the world's largest
- ball of twine. - Twine?
One question. Why?
And please let the answer be that you have a fever.
[STAMMERS] Twine? Is that the brochure?
And, if so, can I keep it in my basket?
Come on, Hilda, we always go to the Other Realm,
but we never get to see any real Americana.
At least tell me it's somewhere exotic.
It's in Kansas.
Oh, the Paris of the Midwest.
Do you think this knapsack would accommodate
a substantial ball of twine?
- Why? - Just asking.
Oh, great. It's the Green Hornet.
So how's the report coming?
I have every reason to believe it will garner a fine grade.
- You still haven't started yet. - Nope.
Well, it's gonna be tough now that you have to sign up
for community service in the Other Realm.
What? But I didn't do anything wrong.
Community service isn't just something pro athletes do
to avoid jail time. In the Other Realm,
giving back to the community makes you feel good about yourself.
But I already feel fabulous about myself. I love me.
If you want your witch's licence, you do charity work,
and you have to give it your all.
You can't just phone it in.
Okay, get off my back. I'll help others. Let's go.
Sorry. You have to do it on your own.
Fine.
- What's this? - My homework.
Give it your all. And don't just phone it in.
Oh, man, Walden?
Nothing happens in this book.
SABRINA: Maybe something will jump out at me.
[READS] "Washing Old Witches"?
Nope. And, may I add, gross.
- Hi. - Hi. "Easy Way Out."
- Well, this shouldn't be too hard. - Yeah, that's what I'm hoping.
Plus, it's being run by my uncle.
[HORN HONKS]
Hello, young lady, Dashiell.
I always get a little misty whenever I see
there are young people today who still believe
in the old-fashioned values of community service.
- Bobby Calzone. - Sabrina Spellman.
Hi. I see you've met my nephew, Dashiell.
A good, fine, young witch... for a half-mortal.
- Hey, I'm half-mortal too. - Cool. Are you right-handed?
Yeah. Wow, it's like looking in a mirror.
You know, here at Easy Way Out,
we're always on the lookout for a few
special witches like yourself.
This is real community service, right? I promised my quizmaster I--
Sabrina, you'll be working at the Rumour Mill.
How's that for real?
- Is that good? - Are you kidding?
In this realm, rumours are considered the highest form of entertainment.
Think Riverdance with a conscience.
But I always thought rumours were bad.
Oh, mortal. Trust me, kiddo,
the Rumour Mill is the USO of witchly community service.
A morale builder.
As a matter of fact, rumours have actually been proven
to make witches healthier.
Wow, I feel more noble already.
Come on, witches need our help. Let's start our first smear campaign.
Okay. I'm ready to hit the open road.
- "I'm with stupid"? - Don't personalize it, Zelda.
I'm just trying to blend in with Middle America.
Fine. Just put your stuff in the pickup I rented.
What? Are they out of dump trucks?
It'll be fun.
For an all-American journey, an all-American vehicle.
All right, let's go.
I call shotgun.
Salem, you're not going.
- You have to stay here with Sabrina. - What?
You didn't think we'd leave a teenager completely unsupervised, did you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you telling me that this family is going to see
the world's largest ball of twine,
and the cat isn't coming?
- Sorry. - With all due respect, ladies,
would I leave you behind if I were going to see
the world's largest eligible bachelor?
Yes. If our entire goal was to unravel him.
Hey, don't forget to water the plants and bring in the mail.
[SOBS]
You know, In Cold Blood took place in Kansas.
Welcome to the Rumour Mill.
We spread more rumours by 9 a.m.
than most hairdressers do all day.
Is it always this busy?
I'm going to guess you guys don't get government funds.
Hey, hey, hey. This room brings more joy to downtrodden witches
than a thousand soup kitchens.
Really? It seems kind of rundown.
Well, if I'm lying, I'm dying.
Now, listen up. Here's how it works.
First, you think up a juicy rumour.
For instance...oh, I don't know.
Say, Sabrina's quizmaster wears... a skirt.
Then you chuck your rumour in this black hole over here,
word gets out, and, hey, presto. The masses are entertained.
In some cases, even healed.
And my quizmaster won't mind wearing a skirt?
Rumours aren't true. They're just entertainment.
Like pro wrestling.
Whoops! I got a Stromboli stand on the south side of the realm,
and it don't run without me.
- So are we set here? - Sure.
Beautiful. Go get them.
Where do we begin? I don't know many witches.
- I live in the mortal realm. - Really? Me too.
Revere, Massachusetts.
Westbridge. Hey, you guys had that huge linebacker
who pulverized our quarterback.
And then the game started, and things really got bad.
Hey, maybe we should start rumours about people we know.
Why would Other Realmers care about them?
Well, my uncle said all rumours are entertaining.
We might as well entertain ourselves in the process.
"Mike Stratton, Revere linebacker,
is also the captain of the synchronized swim team."
I like charity.
Okay. Here goes.
Libby Chessler
is so mean, her parents made her move out.
Let me guess. Cheerleader.
- This is fun. - Yeah. And the best part about it is
we're helping witches.
Without having to clip their toenails.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
No doubt about it, we pulled the best community service.
Yeah. But I think washing old witches would be fun too.
If I got to do it with you.
The hills are alive with the sound of gossip.
And we used up all the paper, Uncle C.
Oh, nice work. We haven't had so many rumours started
since Walter Winchell worked here.
Now you two better skedaddle on home.
So soon?
Well, I guess it's back to the mortal realm.
You wanna get there through my laundry chute?
Sure. Hey, you know, I was thinking maybe I'd volunteer here again,
like, tomorrow at 3.
How about 3:15?
You didn't let me finish.
Like 3:15.
I just hope our rumours made an impact.
Trust me.
Just because my parents have threatened to evict me,
doesn't mean they've stopped caring.
That's weird. That sounds like that rumour I started about Libby.
Pumpkin, we mustn't. It's wrong.
Not wrong. Inappropriate, perhaps.
But I say...
...the heck with it.
I love your fire.
Okay. And that sounds very similar to that other rumour I--
Sabrina, do you have any veal and jelly in your locker?
I have this tremendous craving.
Harvey, please tell me you're having a bad love-handle day.
It's weird. None of my clothes fit,
my breasts are tender.
I'm gonna be sick.
Okay. And that's the rumour I started about Harvey being pregnant.
That settles it.
This is a major coincidence.
Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda!
Is anybody home?
Salem, what's going on?
Oh, shoot.
Ah, Sabrina.
I want you to meet the heads of the four families of Westbridge.
- Don Calamari. - How you doing?
Don Ameche.
Don Tutti Fruitti.
And, of course, Don Da Don Don.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Salem, you're not in the Mafia. It was just a rumour.
[MOBSTERS LAUGH]
Gentlemen, you will have to forgive my little friend.
Sometimes she talks
when she should be reading her magic book.
Then she would know that rumours started in the Other Realm
become truths in the mortal realm.
Oh, well, in that case, Don Salem,
on this day, the day of your daughter's wedding,
how do I make it stop?
You don't. Some of us like being Mafia bosses.
Me, I like it. I get to wear a cool suit.
- You want I should whack her? - No.
Nothing happens to Sabrina while her mother's still alive.
Gee, thanks. I'll just go ask my aunts for help.
You didn't start a rumour about them?
No, I--
Oh, no.
When you said you wanted to navigate, I assumed it was because
- you could read a map. - And I can.
We are right in front of that
terrifying thing!
But where have they been abducted to?
I got a warehouse near the waterfront for that kind of stuff.
Scusi, Don Tutti Fruitti, not that kind of abduction.
But grazie.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
Zelda, can you use your finger?
- No. Can you? - No.
Well, I hope you're happy.
Oh, sure, it may not be a huge ball of twine,
but aliens are pretty nifty.
Well, if you could navigate, we wouldn't be here.
This is my fourth abduction this month.
My wife's gonna kill me if I'm late with the ice cream again.
Perhaps this gentleman
can teach you how to tell when the map is upside down.
[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]
Say it, don't spray it.
That means he's ready to remove all your organs.
But watch it, I tell you. He's got cold hands.
Or, actually, tentacles.
Isn't that great? Back off, shorty.
You don't understand. You're next.
And if he don't operate on you, then--
- I'll tell you whose fault this is. - It is not.
No, Hilda.
There's a third witch we haven't factored in.
Uh, ladies first.
Sabrina.
[CONSOLE BUZZES]
Thanks a lot.
I rarely use my liver.
Harvey, how'd you get so pregnant so fast?
How should I know? Get off my back.
Sorry, Sabrina.
I'm just kind of emotional these days.
It's okay. I'll figure something out.
Somebody better figure something out because these are not birthing hips.
Libby, what's wrong?
My parents have kicked me out.
Oh, I had no idea.
And I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
My mom says they don't love me anymore.
My dad says they never did. What am I gonna do?
I'm so sorry.
I'm never gonna do that to my baby.
I've gotta find Calzone.
That sounds really good. With chocolate sauce on it.
Oh, Willard, Willard, Willard.
- No. Call me Vice Principal Kraft. - Oh!
Oh, get a room.
Calzone, you better show your face.
He's not here.
Well, we've gotta find him. All my rumours came true.
I know. So did mine.
You don't understand. There's a very nice boy
who's staring down the barrel of a C-section.
You think I like this? My sister's a unicorn.
Well, it's all your sleazy uncle's fault.
Hold on now.
We need some advice. Can your quizmaster be trusted?
We'd better hope so. He's our only shot.
Quizmaster, quizmaster Helping others is great
Now get your butt in here Before it's too late
There's a rumour going around that you have something to do
with this hemline.
I cannot abide a cat who would let his owners give him a name
that robs him of respect.
What would you have us do, Don Salem?
Whack Fluffy.
I'll send two of my best guys.
No, wait. I want that cat to wake up with a mouse head in his bed.
Of course, godfather.
On second thought, bring me the mouse head.
To top it off, I'm beginning to feel sorry for Libby.
That's how bad things have gotten.
I told you not to take the easy way out.
No, you said not to phone it in.
Besides, the guy said that rumours help in the Other Realm.
Oh, and you believed him? You know rumours are bad things.
There are a lot of things I used to know that turned out not true. For example,
I used to be pretty sure that people couldn't fly.
Oh, shoot. That reminds me.
I gave my cousin Lillian bat wings.
Hilda, I noticed something while they were examining him.
Yeah. He should get that mole checked.
No. They undid his restraints
in order to conduct the experiment.
I bet we can trick them into freeing our arms.
And then we can zap ourselves home.
No, we can't override this magic.
And then we can hit them.
Yes. And provided you don't navigate,
we can steer this baby home.
Please, before they touch me again.
Oh, you love it.
- Who is your quizmaster? - My Uncle Calzone.
Calzone? I know him.
Do me a favour and go see if he's at his Stromboli stand.
Oh, sure.
Are you gonna be okay, Sabrina?
She's going to be fine.
- That kid is trouble. - What do you mean?
His uncle has had a score to settle
ever since I got him kicked out of the quizmasters for cheating.
Why did he come after me? With all due respect, you were the snitch.
Nothing's more embarrassing for a quizmaster
than to have a pupil fail to get their licence.
Although getting caught in that skirt came close.
- I'm not gonna get my licence? - After the havoc you wreaked?
Well, isn't there anything I can do?
Well, all the damage you've done will slowly go away
after you start a vicious rumour about yourself.
And make it a good one.
I can't even get my grandma to return my phone calls.
- Sabrina. - Hi, Libby.
I just heard a rumour about you. I wonder if it's true.
I knew it. You've got no teeth.
Sabrina's got no teeth.
I just heard that Sabrina has no teeth.
Ew.
Whoa.
Hey, Harvey, feeling better?
Yeah. I must have been eating way too much salt. Sabrina?
- Yes? - I just wanted you to know,
if you ever need your food pre-chewed, I would do that for you.
How sweet.
You always make me smile.
No, don't.
Sabrina, there's a phone call for you.
And could you make it quick?
I need to call the Smart Women, Foolish Choices hot line.
I'd love to move back in, Mom.
Yeah, but before we go into that,
you'll never believe what's happened at school today.
Hello. Yes, it's me.
Of course I'm willing to testify against Calzone.
I said, I'll testify.
I said-- I'll be right there.
Marone, that's good sauce.
I add a little garlic, oregano, and then I put some sugar in there.
That's my secret. That's my trick.
[CRASH]
- It's the feds! - They're coming to get us.
I plead the Fifth.
Nice landing, Zelda. It's okay, I didn't wanna have children anyway.
Hey, I haven't driven a clutch in a while.
I better go. Uh...
Now, I may be a farmer, but these fellas in your sitting room
sure do look like mob bosses.
Hey, guys. That Sabrina got no teeth.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, come back. We were all gonna go to Vegas
and get comped at Boylesque.
Salem, I'm sure there's an explanation for turning our house into a social club.
But first, where is Sabrina?
I will tell you only if you promise
never to ask me about my business again.
It just isn't the same with the guys gone.
Where is Sabrina?
The Witches' Council called her in.
We better get there.
Guess I wasn't meant to be a mob boss.
[BURPS]
I think I'm garlic-intolerant.
Yes, we understand that you think your quizmaster rocks.
But unless you can produce this Calzone,
we must hold your quizmaster responsible
for all the trouble you've caused.
Are you aware that you have no teeth?
I did it to right a wrong. Can anything be done about it?
Only because we're all about to lose our lunch.
Well, like I said, I don't know Calzone's present location,
but I hope it will please the court to call other witnesses
who may have information about the weasel's whereabouts.
Now, just a moment. Is this Calzone a weasel?
Because we've been looking for a man.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
Oh.
The court calls Dashiell Calzone.
- Are you the fugitive's nephew? - Yes, I am.
- And do you know his whereabouts? - I...
- I do not know, Your Honour. - He's lying.
And I'm about to get demoted to crossing guard.
We're not going to demote you. We're gonna arrest you.
You can't let your pupils run amok like this.
Bailiff, take the quizmaster into custody.
No, you can't do this. I've got tenure!
- Don't worry, I'll get you out. - Sabrina, wait.
Stay away from me. My quizmaster was right about you.
I hate to do this.
Oh, good. This place has such great karma for me.
Sabrina, I need you to know
I had nothing to do with the trouble that you're in.
But I do know where my uncle is.
Well, why didn't you say anything?
Because the council can only send him to jail.
See, where I come from, that's a bad thing.
Calzone's a wheeler and dealer. Jail would be fun to him.
- I want him to suffer. - Well, how do you plan on doing that?
Well, I happen to know my conniving uncle
is hanging out in the mortal realm.
"Calzone comes clean in quizmaster frame-up
and vows to spend the rest of his life cleaning up dog parks."
[DOGS BARKING]
[READS] "Barehanded."
You're good.
- Friends? - You kidding? You saved me
and my quizmaster.
So how far is it from Westbridge to Revere?
Oh, about five minutes by spaceship.
Oh, hi, guys. Uh, this is Dashiell.
Sabrina had nothing to do with this. It's all my fault?
He's cute. But unfortunately, I heard a rumour that you're grounded.
Oh, you have to stop reading those tabloids.
- Okay, I'm grounded. - It's not so bad.
My parents are making me clean up Lillian's guano.
- You'll need a loofa. SABRINA: Check.
- And grab that bunion stone. SABRINA: What?
Just take it. And plenty of Band-Aids.
- Oh, and a squeegee. - Squeegee?
Sabrina, when you clean old witches--
Hundreds of old witches.
--anything that saves time is a welcome tool.
I know you guys are just trying to gross me out, but it's not working.
We tried. Oh, one last thing.
- The tongue scraper. - It scrapes tongues.
No problem.
Didn't work.
- Is she gone yet? - Yeah.
BOTH: Tongue scraper. Yuck!