No, really. I did. Yeah right.
You're just making excuses 'cause you missed an easy shot.
I chose not to hit the golf ball in the giant clown's mouth
because I didn't want to cause internal injuries.
I had a great time tonight, Sabrina.
Me too.
Harvey, you're doing it again.
Sorry.
I was just wondering where you're at with
the me-or-Dashiell, my-short- life-will-come-to-an-abrupt-end
if-you-don't- pick-me situation?
Well, it would help me to know where you stood.
I just haven't made up my mind yet.
Oh! Dashiell!
Um-- Oh, you got a delivery job at the florist
who has keys to our house.
For you.
So who's it going to be?
Me, or, uh...?
I'm sorry. I forgot your name.
I know you guys want a decision,
and you've been really patient.
It's just that I'm...
talking to frozen people.
Sabrina.
We did that to Harvey and Dashiell.
We just couldn't wait to give you the news.
Don't worry, they think they're in line at the bank.
"Sabrina Spellman, please join us tomorrow for a ceremony
honoring you for receiving your witches' license."
( all yelling )
This is so great, and when I feel great
I get suspicious.
What's the catch? No catch.
And once you get your witches' license,
you'll automatically have all the power
and knowledge in the universe inside of you.
And thanks to modern medicine,
it no longer requires invasive surgery.
So I'll be able to decide
between Harvey and Dash?
Yeah. What are we waiting for?
Let's go celebrate!
You two remind me
of my first wife on our honeymoon.
Heh-heh. Yowah.
Good night, everybody. Drive carefully.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
I'm a witch hitter.
( mellow rock theme playing )
MR. KRAFT: Okay. Attention, everyone.
As you all know, this year Westbridge High
ranked number one in the county on the school board exams.
And so to celebrate
what I can only assume to be flagrant cheating
on the part of the entire student body,
Principal Larue is giving you a dance this Friday.
( all cheering )
And the theme of the dance is a movie
to be selected by an honor student
who did particularly well on the exams--
Oh, boy.
--Sabrina Spellman.
( applause )
Sabrina, will you go to the dance with me?
Oh, I, uh...
DASHIELL: Hey, Sabrina, you wanna go to the dance with me?
Down here!
Agh! Oh, um...
I take it that's a no?
Look, I can, uh--
I can give you an answer tomorrow,
but first I have to go give the chef my compliments.
Dashiell,
you're gonna get me in trouble.
I-I can't be talking to you when you're in a cream sauce.
I can't be responsible for my actions, Sabrina.
I care about you too much.
Oh, that's sweet.
You know, I had a lot of fun
going to dinner in Atlantis the other night.
The fish was good, but the chips were kind of soggy.
Great, so say yes and go to the dance with me.
Look, I can tell you more tomorrow.
I'll know so much more about everything tomorrow.
( yells )
There's nothing greater in life
than creaming someone in chess over the Internet.
You said the same thing last week
about finding food in the couch.
Okay, bye.
That was Mr. Kraft.
He wants us to chaperone the dance with him Friday night.
I told him we'd love to.
Oh, no.
Me and Willard Kraft at a dimly lit dance together.
Ugh, you know what that means.
A stolen moment in the janitor's closet?
No. It means I'll have to spend my whole evening avoiding him.
Which means no time to make fun of how the awkward kids dance.
I may have the answer to your troubles.
What if I asked him to be my date?
Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.
Well, actually, I... find him attractive.
Oh, no. Salem, Zelda has a brain lesion.
If you have any problem with it whatsoever,
I-- I-- I won't ask him.
Me?
Why would I have a problem with it?
I mean, he's not my boyfriend.
You know, in fact, you would be doing me a favor.
Well, great.
Then I'll ask him.
Wow, you must feel like a huge loser.
Huh? Who said that?
Oh!
( laughing ) Miss Spellman,
have you reached a decision
on a movie theme for the dance yet?
Oh, well, I was kind of leaning towards
either Saturday Night Fever or Grease.
I've never heard of those films.
Really?
Did you hear World War II ended?
Miss Spellman, you should be aware
that I have final approval on your choice.
Therefore, I strongly suggest that you chose my favorite film,
Billy Jack.
I've never heard of it.
You're just saying that
because I just said it.
No, I-- I really haven't,
and I think that it should really be my--
( disco music playing )
Look, I told you kids
boom boxes are not allowed on school property.
And I was--
That's it. No more buying sushi at the gas station.
( disco music playing )
Just think, Salem, after today's ceremony
I'll be able to choose between Harvey and Dash.
My life will be forever changed.
Well, what's a good countermove when someone
steals your bishop?
You didn't hear a word I said.
Sabrina, an Albanian potato farmer is whupping me in chess.
You gotta help me. I hate to lose.
Well, sorry, Salem, I don't know how to play chess.
So I guess you're just gonna have to accept your fate,
and learn to lose with some dignity.
Would you at least help me type in my response?
"Dear Yuri, you have a big nose..."
Salem, I'm not typing that.
You didn't let me finish.
I was gonna say,
"You have a big nose, for an ignorant monkey."
Now, chop-chop, start typing.
Is it facial hair?
Do you have an unquenchable desire for men with facial hair?
Hilda, will you please stop?
I'm not gonna tell you why I like Willard.
Willard?
Oh, now you're calling him Willard.
Gee, Zelda, when's the wedding?
Honey, oh, you look beautiful.
Thanks. I'm a little nervous about getting
my witches' license.
I wish you guys could go with me.
I know, but parents and guardians have been banned
ever since the invention of the camcorder.
Well, take a good look.
This may be my last moment of humility.
( thunder crashes )
Does he have some inheritance that I don't know about?
Hi. There must be some mistake.
I was supposed to be at a party for my witches' license.
My name is Sabrina Spellman.
Nope. You're in the right place.
It can't be.
It's supposed to be this huge celebration.
Look, I can take care of this all at home.
Um, could I have my license?
You have to complete one more test before I can issue it.
What's the test?
What is the most dangerous time to ride your vacuum?
During A, heavy rain, B, light rain, C, hail.
Really? That's the whole test?
A, B, or C, please.
Well, that's easy. B, light rain.
Congratulations, you passed.
And please remember
witching is a privilege, not a right.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
Now, this is more like it.
ALL: ¶ For she's a jolly good witch ¶
¶ For she's A jolly good witch ¶
¶ For she's a jolly good witch ¶
¶ Which nobody can deny ¶
( applause, cheering )
Wow, you guys made it.
Sorry we had to fool you, but there's this silly rule
that if you tell anyone about their ceremony,
the Witches' Council cuts your tongue out.
I see hors d'oeuvres.
Sabrina, I believe you two have already met.
This is your cousin, Doris.
Wow, you were in on this the whole time?
How'd you keep a straight face?
I was classically trained.
Oh, well, it's nice to meet--
( flashbulb pops )
--you.
What was that for?
Your witches' license photo.
But I-- I wasn't ready.
It's gonna be awful.
Hasn't the woman ever heard of the phrase "cheese"?
Oh, come on, Sabrina. Everyone thinks they've got
the worst witches' license picture.
ZELDA: And you'll be no exception.
Oh, Doris, could you take another one?
This one's terrible.
Are you saying you don't like my workmanship?
Doris, calm down. Sabrina didn't mean--
Because when people don't like my workmanship, I get angry.
And when I get angry, I--
Okay, you know what? The picture's fine.
Let's go.
( electric buzz ) Ow.
( buzzes ) Ow!
Sabrina, there's something we have to tell you.
Besides the fact that my license is electrocuting me?
Before a witch can actually use her license,
she has to discover her family secret.
Excuse me?
Yeah. Our family has a lot of secrets,
but there's one in particular
that will break the spell on your license,
and then you'll be free to use it.
Trust me, it's a doozy.
And to help you discover the secret,
family members will visit us periodically
and serve as your guide.
Doris will be your first visitor.
I'm looking forward to it.
I can't believe this.
Y-you're telling me I can't use my license at all?
That means I have to decide
between Harvey and Dashiell on my own?
Like a normal teenager?
I'm sorry, honey.
This just...stinks.
Sabrina, we need to talk to you about your decision.
Oh. Right. Yeah, my decision.
Uh, well, see, a funny thing happened. I...
You haven't decided yet.
Boy, thanks for cutting me off there.
I ran outta steam on that one.
Well, we've come to a decision on our own.
We both really like you,
but we can't keep waiting like this.
So if you don't decide by tomorrow,
you don't get either of us.
HARVEY: And not just for the dance.
Forever.
You know, maybe we could do joint custody.
You'd get me every other Christmas.
Hey. Couldn't help overhearing.
Was it bad?
Awful. They gave me an ultimatum.
What am I gonna do?
Uh, jump for joy that two guys are fighting over you?
It's not that easy.
This is one of the toughest decisions
I've ever had to make.
I hate to bother you anymore,
but we need to know what theme you want the dance to be.
Oh, I completely forgot about that.
Uh...make it Grease.
Okay, but has Mr. Kraft approved that?
Because I think this Billy Jack guy might be a friend of his.
I have too much on my mind
to worry about what Mr. Kraft wants.
Just make it Grease, okay?
Oh, you know, Mr. Kraft is also open
to a Mother, Jugs & Speed theme.
( chuckling )
Hilda, what do you think of this letter?
( clears throat )
"Dear Yuri. Congratulations. I'm amazed that a person
"of such low intelligence could defeat me in chess.
Hats off to your mother for marrying her brother."
I'll stop. After that, it gets a little mean.
That's nice, Salem.
Is something wrong?
Yes, something's wrong.
Zelda stole my boyfriend.
That's what's wrong.
But I thought you despised Mr. Kraft.
Last time you went out with him, you came home and took a bath
like Meryl Streep did in Silkwood.
Yeah, but haven't you ever had a person in your life
who you find truly revolting
and the thought of them touching you makes you gag,
but you keep them around because they compliment you?
That's what they teach in church.
What am I gonna do?
Just go down to the school
and ask him to the dance.
He'll get all mushy and say how he wishes he could go with you.
So you'll feel better,
but you're in no danger of an actual date,
because you already know he's going with Zelda.
That's not half bad.
Hey, when you spend eight hours a day licking your butt
you come up with a good idea every now and again.
I have to decide between Harvey and Dashiell by tomorrow,
and I have no idea who I'm gonna choose.
What am I gonna do?
My dear, sweet, if not simple, Sabrina.
Haven't you learned anything
from years of being under my tutelage?
That squirrels are meaner than they look?
No. Use the agic-may ook-bay.
Of course.
Why didn't I think of that?
Look in the Love section, underneath
"King, comma, marriages of Larry."
Oh. Here's one that will give you
a physical manifestation of your feelings.
It says here if I use this spell correctly,
my heart will be revealed to me.
Sounds gory.
Nah. The only spell that's literal
is the heart-on-your-sleeve spell.
This just shows your true heart's desire.
All I have to do is sing the following song
while placing my hand over my chest.
I feel kind of stupid, but at this point I'll try anything.
¶ What's it all about Alfie? ¶
¶ Is it just for The moment we live? ¶
( weeping ): This song always makes me cry.
¶ What's it all About, Alfie? ¶
VALERIE: Hey, Sabrina?
Mr. Kraft found out you picked Grease,
and he's looking for you.
When does that man do his job?
He's furious.
Apparently, he already had a Billy Jack outfit.
And I don't mean he had it made for the party.
I mean he already had it. Scary.
Well, you shouldn't be seen with me.
Save yourself.
Thanks. This is me leaving.
( spurs jangling )
Harvey?
( Western gunslinger theme playing )
Okay. I'm gonna have to start helping you buy your clothes.
( spurs jangling )
Oh, no. This must be the spell.
They're gonna fight over my heart.
Being a witch would be a lot easier without all the magic.
So, Dashiell,
gotta ask yourself:
do you feel lucky?
I've always been lucky.
Hey. Look, is that Vince Lombardi?
It was worth a shot.
Oh, Sabrina, there you are.
Oh, uh...
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
Mr. Kraft, if you hear anything in the next few minutes
that sounds like gunshots
and the last pleading cries of a dying man, it's not.
No, please, do not try to change the subject.
I am here to talk about the dance.
I don't hear anything, do you?
Well, I thought I just heard myself speaking.
Really? I don't.
Uh, I should go have my ears checked.
Sabrina--
( horse galloping away )
That's funny, I don't remember this school having a blacksmith.
( urgent theme playing )
Where'd they go?
Don't hurt me. I got a family.
Valerie, has anything been weird in the cafeteria?
The milk is fresh today.
Good. That's good.
Good. Everything will be fine as soon as I stop saying good.
( grunting )
( phony French accent ): Prepare to die.
My love of Sabrina is greater than my love
of not bathing and movies with no plot.
Pardon. Aprez-vous.
Oh, merci.
Merci beaucoup.
( yells )
Those drama students.
You know, they really need a lot of attention.
( urgent theme continues )
Sabrina?
Sabri--
( Southern accent ): Well, my, my, Willard.
Just the vice principal I wanted to see.
( laughing ): Hilda, what are you doing here?
Well, I've come to see you, silly puss.
I wanna talk about you and me
and a little dance we're going to on Friday night.
Oh...
Hilda, I thought you knew.
Your sister already asked me.
She did?
Well, fiddlesticks on her.
How dare she take my man away from me?
Gee, I had no idea you felt like this.
I-I mean, you know how I--
How crazy I am about you. I mean, you--
You're beautiful, you're funny...
( normal voice ): Thanks, that's all I wanted to know.
Well, maybe some other time, then?
Yeah, I'll call you--
Oh!
( yelling )
Oh, Hilda.
How about Saturday night, huh?
I'll make a batch of Harvey Wallbangers.
We'll put on the History Channel and just...
( husky voice ): kiss all night.
Hey! Hey, if you guys stop fighting,
I'll give you ice cream.
Doris,
what are you doing here?
I'm supposed to talk to you about the family secret.
Doris, there are two ninjas fighting to the death
for my love in the middle of my high school.
Now is not a good time.
You know, I came all the way over here
on Other Realm public transportation
so you could talk to me.
This makes me angry.
No. Doris, don't get angry.
Um, I'll ask you about the family secret.
Uh... what is it?
Too late. I'm already angry.
And when I get angry, I...
No!
Harvey!
Well, it looks like you're busy.
I'll come back later.
Dashiell, I'm sorry.
I guess I didn't get to you.
No. I know what happened.
My big brother warned me about the spell.
You jumped in front of Harvey
because he's the one your heart chose.
Wow. So the spell worked.
I'm sorry.
Yeah. Me too.
But I'd still like to be friends.
I'd like that too.
( laughs )
Y-- Yeah.
Harvey?
Are you okay?
Um, you-- You fell on your head.
Repeatedly, in various parts of the school.
( groans )
I hope no one saw me.
Harvey, if you're still up for it,
would you like to take me to the dance?
Really?
Great.
Could we go somewhere where someone could look at my spine?
( groans )
( mellow theme playing )
Hey, you're still here.
Shouldn't you be at the dance?
Yeah, but I'm gonna wait awhile.
I feel so stupid going without a date.
So paint on half a mustache and go with yourself.
( doorbell rings )
I am Yuri.
I come to kill Salem.
Uh-oh.
( high-pitched ): Salem's not here.
Can I help you?
Salem has insulted my mother for last time.
I will wear his entrails as hat.
Huh?
You know, Salem's not here right now,
but I know where you can find him.
He happens to be at a high school dance I'm going to.
I'll take you to him. Okay?
Oh, thanks a bunch, Hilda.
I'll never call you stupid behind your back again.
I didn't do it for you. I need a date.
And underneath all those pelts
it looks like he's got a pretty good body.
( rock 'n' roll music plays )
( high-pitched ): Wow, you look amazing.
Thanks. Why are you talking like that?
My mom thought for authenticity I should wear a girdle.
Whalebone is not that giving.
( laughs )
Excuse me.
Mr. Kraft, I don't remember
your character from Grease.
Were you in the director's cut?
You know, Sabrina, when people make fun
of my Billy Jack outfit,
I just go berserk!
Willard, please. Stop that.
Hi.
You are Salem.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is supposed to be Billy Jack.
I will eat your eyes like candy.
¶ But now There's no better high ¶
Sabrina, there's no easy way to say this,
so I might as well just say--
Well, how should I put it?
Harvey, you're babbling.
Will you go steady with me again?
Really?
I'd love to.
¶ Hopelessly devoted to you ¶
¶ Ooh, ooh Ooh ¶
¶ Hopelessly devoted to you ¶
( rock theme playing )