Calling all blonds.
We read you, obnoxious cat.
Notice anything different?
You threw up on the sofa?
I said "different."
It's the clock on the VCR.
I programmed it.
It's not blinking 12 anymore.
Isn't that great?
Yeah, that's what I'd call it if I were being sarcastic.
I didn't know we had a clock on the VCR.
We could have fixed it ourselves if we wanted to.
We're witches.
You dames are just bitter
because I'm the man of the house,
and I know how to do the manly stuff.
Oh. Well, you certainly have
the scratching yourself part down.
If you really want to impress us,
program this.
I didn't know we had a clock on our scoreboard.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
We cooked up a great show for you tonight.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
You know, fixing that VCR got my testosterone pumping.
Mr. Can Opener, meet your worst nightmare:
Mr. Screwdriver.
( chimes )
Uh, I'll get it.
You know, in most homes
the mail comes in little white envelopes.
It's from your cousin Mortimer.
He's coming to help you discover the family secret.
Sabrina, I should warn you.
Your cousin Mortimer is a wigician.
A wigician?
A witch who works as a magician.
How cool.
I mean, how unspeakably tragic.
He was so gifted.
He could have done so much.
Instead he chose to squander his talents
entertaining gullible mortals.
And the worst part is he's not even good at it.
( coughing )
Ta-da!
That's magician for "I'm here."
Oh, no, please, you're too kind. Ha-ha-ha.
This must be Sabrina.
Okay, enough small talk.
Discuss the family secret and let him be on his way.
He's a very busy man,
and this is cruise season, after all.
No, there's no rush.
I've got a gig tomorrow night
at the Westbridge Y and you're all comped,
if you don't mind eating family style.
Well-- Wait, before you say anything,
I'm wanna show you my new closer.
Nothing up here, nothing up here,
but what have we here?
Ha-ha. And, oh, look at this.
I knew it was coming, yet I'm still delighted.
Ha-ha. And...
...a pickle.
A nickel. It's supposed to be a nickel.
Oh, that's wrong.
I-- It's a new trick. I know--
( upbeat rock theme playing )
Hey, you guys want to go to the Slicery
after school today?
We're only 200 pizzas away from a free soda.
I can't. My dad's out of town
and I have to watch my little brother.
What about your mom? Is she sick or something?
Very. She's...pregnant.
Pregnant?
Congratulations, I guess.
You mean your parents still--?
Valerie, we're trying to eat here
I just thought at their advanced age--
Yeah, yeah, I know. I know.
I can't get the image out of my mind.
( cheering )
Hi, Westbridge.
Westbridge, Westbridge You're the tops
Wring Eastbridge dry Like grungy old mops
( cheering )
"Tops," "mops"?
Someone's been reading Molière again.
I have an announcement.
There are a few spots open
on the second-string cheerleading squad.
( crowd murmuring)
LIBBY: I know. We haven't had
an opening in years.
Not since the time Charlene Snyder
developed that puzzling skin condition.
One zit and:
So if you think you're better than everyone,
sign up for tryouts.
Hey, Libby,
you looked great out there.
Take your seat.
You know, I think I'm gonna try out for cheerleading.
Oh, no. You ate your beef stroganoff too fast
and now your brain stopped functioning.
We better say this while you can still comprehend it:
We all love you.
What is wrong with wanting to be a cheerleader?
Oh, no, we've lost her.
It's eerie. It looks like she's still with us.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
I can dismantle this.
All I have to do
is spin my head around about 33 times.
Or smash it on the floor.
I can't see what you're doing.
Oh, thanks so much for helping me rehearse.
This is not supposed to hurt at all.
If you feel anything, please speak up.
Oh! I felt that!
Oh, I buy these in bulk.
I'm gonna get another blade.
Listen, in the meantime,
would you be good enough to just sign this release?
ZELDA: It doesn't say anything
about dismemberment, mutilation, internal--
Stop it!
Oh, I'm glad you guys are home.
I'm really worried about Valerie.
She's fallen in with a bad crowd.
Trekkies? No, worse.
She's trying to become a cheerleader.
HILDA: What's wrong with that?
At least you get to stand up.
It's a known fact that cheerleaders sleep upside down
from rafters of old barns.
Oh, honey, if Valerie wants to be a cheerleader
you have to let her.
What's the harm if it makes her happy?
I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.
Let me guess.
This is not a good time to ask you about the family secret?
This is a critical time.
I have to concentrate on what I'm doing.
Don't you understand?
What was I doing?
Oh! Got it.
Wow!
It worked. It never did that before.
My legs!
Oh, I better go get them.
I think I left the back door open.
Usually it's the audience that walks out.
Uh, hello?
Anyway, back to Valerie.
( marching theme playing )
No!
What are you doing?
Friends don't let friends become cheerleaders.
Look, I've thought about what you said,
but I still want to be a cheerleader.
I've always wanted to be a cheerleader.
It just seems like fun.
But why, Valerie?
I mean, you're so smart.
You could do so much more.
You could be on the Chess Club, or the Astronomy Club,
or the debate team.
Maybe I just want to be a cheerleader.
Look, you're gonna have to accept it, okay?
I'm going to try out.
No president has ever been a cheerleader!
Hey, Sabrina. You okay?
This pregnancy is really taking its toll on me.
I was driving around half the night
looking for the right breast cream for my mom.
Okay, the less we talk about that subject the better.
You know, this whole cheerleading thing
is really making me feel like I don't know Valerie anymore.
I don't see what the harm is if it makes her happy.
Everybody wants Valerie to be happy.
Am I the only one who cares about her?
( humming )
( Salem whistling )
Oh, so that's why there's been
a busy signal the last hour.
I've been trying to call my aunts.
You know, when I'm done, you'll be able
to call anyone, anytime you want.
You mean, like we already do?
Yes, but my way shocks you when you hit the seven.
Oh, what perfect timing.
Now you ask me anything you want
about the family secrets.
No question too big, no question too small.
Ask me anything you want.
I know everything there is to know about this family.
Well, I'd really like to talk about Valerie.
Never heard of her.
Well, she's my best friend
and she wants to be a cheerleader,
and somehow I've gotta convince her
that she's making a mistake.
Ah, then here's what you need.
This will help.
( grunts )
A penny? I don't think Valerie's into bribes.
No, that's not just a penny.
With this penny you can look right into her mind.
You can tell what she's thinking.
I already know what she's thinking and it all rhymes.
With this, you can manipulate her thoughts.
Ha, ha.
Where did you get such a cool trick?
That was given to me by the great Harry Houdini.
All I had to do was promise never to talk to him again.
( marching band playing )
Val, hi. Look, I'm really sorry about yesterday.
I shouldn't have tried to influence you.
Oh, I understand. You only did it because you care about me.
Exactly. So here.
Sabrina, you can't buy my friendship.
Especially for a penny.
No. I learned a magic trick. Look:
See? Disappeared.
And you put down cheerleading?
Good luck.
Valerie, this is for your own good.
( mysterious theme playing )
SABRINA: So this is what Valerie thinks it'll be like
to be a cheerleader?
I'll show her.
Now this is more like it.
Green and white
Hey, beat that team Green and white
SABRINA: What is this, a United Way commercial?
Give me a break.
Making fun of grandma
is more like the cheerleaders I know.
CHEERLEADERS: Westbridge, Westbridge You're the tops
Wring Eastbridge dry like...
Come to the big rally. Bring your family.
SABRINA: Oh, please. I'm going to make this last one a doozy.
What are you looking at, freak?
CHEERLEADERS: Wring Eastbridge dry Like grungy old mops
Next up in our long shot category, Valerie Birkhead.
Uh, I changed my mind.
I'm not gonna try out anymore.
Wonder if they give a Nobel Prize for friendship?
( upbeat rock theme playing )
Oh. Morning, cousin Mortimer.
Uh, yeah. Mortimer, that's right.
It's my agent.
I just wanted to tell you the penny worked. Great.
I probably saved Valerie from a life of crime,
which, as everyone knows,
is what cheerleading always leads to.
I'm so happy. What? Are you sure?
Nothing? Not even a grand opening for a gas station?
Fine.
Anything wrong?
No. No, no, no. They just canceled my gig at the Y.
They replaced me with K.I.T.T.,
the talking car from Knight Rider.
I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do.
Oh, I know you-- You want to help.
If you would, you could.
But, listen, I love being a wigician.
I just love it. The wand, the applause,
the different-colored scarves,
the second-hand smoke, I love it!
Well, when you put it that way, who can blame you?
( funky theme playing )
( gasps )
Salem.
He's in the freezer
right next to the Eskimo Pies.
Avert your gaze!
I'm working with isotopes.
Salem, when are you planning
to put all this stuff back together?
Relax. I'm on a journey of self-discovery.
For instance, I just discovered
that it's really cold inside the freezer.
My eyes are frozen open.
Cousin Zelda, let me help you.
No, Mortimer--
I insist, please. Step back.
Abracadabra, abracadunk
Please, someone help us With all this junk
Ah.
Hilda? Zelda?
Hello?
( sniffs )
Do I smell curry?
I can't believe you made him disappear.
It has to do with the-- Oh. See? Look.
Trust me, Val. Orchestra Club is the way to go.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe that's where my kind belongs:
In the darkest corner of the orchestra pit
playing the triangle.
That's the spirit.
Now that you won't have cheerleading practice
every afternoon, we can do whatever we want.
Go to the mall, and try on clothes we can't afford--
Take naps.
I'm even willing to go to that place
where you paint the plates and cups.
Come on, what do you say?
My mom could use a new spoon caddy.
This is gonna be great.
You and me doing everything together,
just like things used to be.
Do you guys have any idea where I can rent
a Mother Goose karaoke machine?
Harvey Kinkle, king of the conversation starters.
My little brother's birthday party is today,
and I'm in charge of the entertainment.
What did you get? Nothing.
I've been so busy helping my mom
I completely forgot.
My dad is really gonna lay into me.
I'm telling you, it will be like the final scene from Braveheart.
Hey, I've got the perfect idea.
Oh. Maybe it's not such a good idea.
Please. Anything.
My cousin Mortimer is a wigici-- Magician,
and, um, he'd be perfect for your brother's party.
Do you think there's any way we could possibly get him?
I'm going out on a limb here, but, um, yes.
Saba--
Ah. Oh. Oh, try again.
And this time, try bringing Salem back.
Okay. Crim flim blitz!
Hey, that's how I met my first wife.
Would you mind taking a seat with the others, please?
Have I accidentally stumbled into a Boston Market?
Hey! Great news, cousin Mortimer,
I got you a gig.
A magic show for Harvey's little brother and his friends.
All right, after 300 years of practicing for this
it's finally paying off. Yes.
Sabrina, Mortimer doesn't have time to do any magic shows.
He's too busy trying to bring back Salem.
Oh, but we're getting closer.
He just brought back a guy waiting for his CAT scan.
And a Catskills comedian.
Everybody comfortable?
I make a nice living.
And Sylvia and Irving Katz from New Rochelle.
But no Salem. ( groans )
Then how do you explain Martha Washington?
I don't know.
Besides, I don't think you really want him around children.
It's too late.
The kids are gonna be here--
( doorbell rings ) Now.
MORTIMER: I'm going to put
this delicious piece of cake-- Mm-mm.
--and put it in my hat. Ha-ha-ha.
Here it goes.
Say the magic words, children.
ALL: The magic words!
( laughs )
Abracadabra, se-- Oh. Ooh.
Oh, look. Flowers.
And it was a birthday cake.
Thank you. Thank you.
You're too kind.
Please give me a hand for my assistant, Martha.
Who are you people?
And where's George?
Oh, Sabrina, I wish you hadn't asked
cousin Mortimer to do this.
You just know something horrible's gonna happen.
When are you two gonna cut cousin Mortimer some slack?
He's just doing what he loves.
Not really well, but he's still doing it.
He could have been so much more.
He could have been a novelist, or a chemist, or a professor.
Maybe he doesn't want to be any of those things.
Maybe he just wants to be a wigician.
I mean, what's the harm in it as long as it makes him happy?
Just like Valerie. Gotta go.
Thank you. You're so kind.
And now, I need a volunteer. ALL: Me, me.
A volunteer, a volunteer. How about you?
The birthday boy.
Does he look old enough to have dental records?
Abracadabra, abracadiff
It's time for the birthday boy To get a gift
( all gasp )
Kids, this man is a menace to society
and household pets.
You can expect to hear from my lawyer.
( stutters )
Cat. Talk.
Oh, my career go bye-bye.
Okay. Up until now every trick kind of stunk,
but that was great.
ALL: Yeah.
Did you like that?
A cat talking, my greatest illusion.
Listen, could you vamp till I try to find the kid?
So who here's from out of town?
Abracadiggy, abracadack
Oh, please, little boy Won't you come back?
What! Oh.
Once again the great Mortimer has astounded even himself.
Listen, kid, you don't have to mention this
to your parents, okay? Here. Go.
Val, I really blew it on this cheerleader thing.
If there's something out there that makes you happy,
then you should go for it. It doesn't matter what I think.
And you're not just saying that because tryouts were yesterday?
Well, it's never too late.
All you have to do is ask Libby.
( laughing )
You want me to extend
the cheerleading tryouts for her?
That is too sad.
Even for you.
Oh, yeah. That went well.
Would right now be convenient for you?
Um, sure.
Uh, Sabrina, I'm no cheerleader.
I can't go through with this.
Oh, what's there to be scared of?
I mean, sure, there is the possibility
of humiliation, but this is high school.
When isn't there the possibility of humiliation?
Oh, all right, all right, I'll do it,
but on one condition.
( marching theme playing )
Thanks for doing this with me, Sabrina.
It's giving me the confidence I need.
Well, the phrase "you owe me one" comes to mind,
yet it seems so inadequate.
Here we have Sabrina Spellman
and Valerie Birkhead.
Get ready for some comedy.
Go Westbridge!
BOTH: Ready, set, hit it.
Cut the "V"
Dot the "I"
Curl the "C"
T-O-R-Y
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y
Victory, victory
That's our cry
Was I okay?
Oh, yeah. You were incredible.
Like, uh, Martha Graham if she did sporting events.
Okay. Now it's time
for the essay portion of your audition.
"The effect of cheerleading
on the North American Free Trade Agreement"?
"Midis or minis: How long and why"?
No talking.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
Mortimer, I wish you didn't have to leave.
I never got to ask you about the family secret.
You mean I'm two inches shorter for nothing?
Actually, I have hidden a clue about the family secret
somewhere in the house.
Could you light me? I'm late.
Well,
if I ever get the quarter out of my ear, I'll send it to you.
I'm gonna miss you.
See you.
( gasps )
Oh!
On second thought, maybe I'll take the closet.
HARVEY: It's weird.
I can't get the curry smell out of my brother,
and he can't sleep without sandalwood burning.
Oh, I went through that phase.
( cheering )
Oh, here come the cheerleaders
to announce the new squad. I'm so nervous.
Come on, Valerie.
Cut the "V", dot the "I", curl the "C--"
Now you get the hang of it?
LIBBY: I have the results of our tryouts.
The new members
of the second-string cheerleading squad are:
Renee Phillips, ( applause )
Danita Jones,
and Valerie Birkhead.
( squealing )
Congratulations. Thank you.
This is weird. I still like you.
Use them with honor.
A second-string cheerleader.
That means if a varsity cheerleader dies
or gains weight, I'm in.
Do you think some day I'll look back on this moment
and say it was the happiest of my life?
If the rest of your life stinks, yes.
Let's just hope this is the start of something big.
And as for Sabrina Spellman, who also tried out,
we'll be showing a videotape of her audition
in the gymnasium after--
( all cheering )
Am I to understand I wasn't good?
( upbeat rock theme playing )
If you happen to find any shrimp toast in the couch,
I wouldn't say no.
Hey, I think I found Mortimer's clue.
Okay. Now I'm starting to think he's weird.
Sabrina, you're gonna be getting
a lot of clues like this.
Once you've gathered them all
they'll spell out the family secret,
but it's up to you to figure it out.
Okay. Well, it looks like a superhero
with "ABC" written on him.
Is he Alphabet Man?
No, no, no, no.
He's "Spell Man."
That means the family secret's about us?
Jeez, I hope all the other clues are this juicy.
I can't find Mortimer's clue anywhere.
You know, maybe it would help if we think like him.
Aunt Hilda, I--
Abracadoobie, abracadoo
Help us uncover Sabrina's clue
Anybody hungry?
I know a decent restaurant around the corner:
the Deli Lama.
Wow, this place is tidier
than the appliance section of a department store.
You're not gonna make me buy
the extended warranty, are you?
SALEM: I had a spiritual awakening in Calcutta,
not to be a holy man, but to be a handyman.
So you finally have something to do while you're awake.
HILDA: What's this?
My mantra. You can't see it.
A receipt for $3,000 worth of appliance repair?
I'm the man of the house.
This is how men fix things.
( sobbing )