You pays your money and you takes your chances, Rusty.
Bite me. You've been lucky all night.
That's Lucky over there, with the poker face.
What do you got?
Just deal.
SALEM: Hmm.
A-ha.
I'll call.
A pair of eights.
Three of a kind.
Come to Papa!
ALL: Oh, no, not again.
How does he do it?
It's like he's got radar or something.
Yep.
Rusty, there's a coaster right there.
Is it so hard to put your beer on it?
Sorry.
God, it stinks in here.
Don't you guys know how bad smoking is for you?
ALL: Hey! Easy! Easy!
Okay, that does it.
From now on, we play at Lassie's house.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
Pick me! Pick me!
SABRINA: Well, thanks for listening.
I know the results of my Sassy quiz
can't be all that interesting.
Sure they are.
Now, how did you score on sassitude?
( students clamoring )
Do you ever get the feeling you're missing something?
Hey, what's going on?
Libby just pulled up in her new car.
Libby has wheelage?
Well, it's nice to know that good things
happen to horrible people.
I know everyone
is going to want a ride,
so I should warn you,
the selection process will be Darwinian:
survival of the cutest.
Can you believe the way everyone's worshiping her?
Let's just ignore her.
Okay, so, um...
Why do you think you scored so low on that quiz?
I gotta tell you, I think you are
the kind of girl that other girls respect.
Thanks.
You really wanna look at the car, don't you?
Do you mind? It's your DNA talking.
I understand.
( dramatic theme playing )
Hello, Roast Beef?
This is Katmandu.
Give me 10 cans of tuna on the Seahawks,
and I'll call you before post time at Pimlico.
Later.
Salem, I thought I told you
gambling is illegal in my living room.
I'm on a roll, slim.
This is my shot at some real action.
Not just fleecing the neighborhood cats in Boggle.
What, bingo at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow?
Try the hippest poker game in the Other Realm,
hosted by none other than Diamond Dave LaRouche.
The Diamond Dave? Born to misbehave.
The wiliest gambler west of the crack in time?
He da man. Absolutely not.
Oh, ye-- Huh?
Salem, you know I despise gambling.
It's throwing away good money.
Besides, no one wins against Diamond Dave.
But I'm red hot.
Not even double D can stop this streak.
Please.
The subject is closed.
Besides, you can't get to the Other Realm on your own,
so you might as well forget about it.
I'll buy you something pretty.
Cool car, Libby.
People are acting like Libby's dad
bought her the space shuttle. It's just a car!
A convertible with the CD player in the trunk.
All the controls are on the steering wheel.
You're not helping.
You guys hear about the class trip
to the Celtics game?
Let me guess: your dad bought you the Celtics too?
Nice try, Freaka, warrior princess.
I was just wondering if Harvey needed a ride.
Don't you have to take the bus to those things?
Not if you have a car.
The school bus is gonna look
like a magnet school for losers.
Well, that's why we were gonna take Harvey's car, right?
Right.
Except it's up on blocks.
For how long?
You can count on it for graduation.
Well, I'll be saving shotgun
for you, Harvey.
And Claude the bus driver
will be saving shotgun for you.
We have got to get a car.
Do you realize what this stamped
and sealed envelope represents?
Yet another unrequited love letter
to Robert Downey, Jr.?
You are incorrect.
This is the final mortgage payment
on our house.
You're kidding!
It's really ours now?
Yep, electrical work that's not up to code and all.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Let me guess: it's double coupon day at the market?
Honey, we paid off the house.
It's really ours now!
Whoo-hoo.
Wait a minute! That's great!
Now that you have some free cash lying around,
you can take on car payments for your favorite niece.
Not gonna happen.
But, come on! Don't quit!
¶ We're jumping It's a great day ¶
Sabrina, we've been over this a hundred times.
You're not responsible enough for a car yet.
Well, the least you could do is let me borrow your car
for the Tuesday field trip.
Oh, we can't. A group of scientists are gonna
line our cars up and floor them,
to see if we can reverse the Earth's rotation.
Just an excuse to meet people, but I made a commitment.
I'd trade all my magical powers for an '83 LeBaron
with low mileage.
Sabrina, most kids in high school don't have cars
and they do just fine.
The bus will be fun.
Fine.
But bear in mind
that a car is less expensive
than a lifetime of psychotherapy.
( dramatic theme playing )
You didn't see me.
Well, you're kind of hard to miss
in your Sunday-go-to-meeting suit.
Don't tell the brain trust downstairs,
but I've been invited to play poker
at Diamond Dave's high-roller suite.
And that's a good thing?
Are you kidding?
This is my chance to pocket some serious simoleons,
greenbacks, dinero, moola,
shekels, scratch, wampum...
And those are...?
Money, baby.
Oh.
Oh, hey, could you buy me a car?
Page me next week.
Right now I need every penny
to play the legend.
( thunder crashes )
Mr. Saberhagen? ( growls )
Homina, homina, homina.
Welcome to what we at Diamond Dave's
call "VIP plus." SALEM: Finally!
I'm gonna get comped!
Good luck!
And buy me a car when you come back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you gals make your own costumes?
( thunder crashes )
I bet she has a car.
( rock theme playing )
Guess I'll just have to conjure up the car myself.
Okay, let's see.
Essence of tire burn.
Myrrh.
And STP, "The Racer's Edge."
( car engine revs )
Yes!
Ah, let's see how popular Libby is when I'm mobile.
( car alarm chirps )
No!
I told you it was a good idea to activate
that uninsured teen driver block.
Sabrina, it's just a bus.
Well, can't I tap into my college fund?
( smooth, jazzy piano music playing )
Four of a kind.
Well, what do you know?
A royal flush.
Gee, that sounds better. It is.
That's the fifth straight hand you've won.
That's why they call him Diamond Dave.
Not Amber Dave,
not Aquamarine Dave.
"Diamond Dave."
And that's why I can afford to have a butler
who sits on his butt when my Fanta needs refreshing.
Right, boss.
Are you sure you don't want a break?
Are you nuts?
Now I've got you right where I want you.
( rapidly ): The game is high-low criss-cross Mexican stud poker,
deuces and bugs are wild.
Did you catch any of that?
( sobbing )
Number three was the lightest pencil I could find.
Maybe if I don't press too hard, people won't notice.
LIBBY: The trip is next week, people,
so it's crunch time for those of you
who haven't purchased gifts yet.
Have you made up your mind, Harvey?
Thanks, Libby, but I...
really had my heart set on the bus.
Suit yourself. I'll try not to gun it
as I pass you on the thruway.
( laughing )
Thanks, Harvey. That was really nice of you.
Hey, if we're on the bus, then the bus is the cool way
to go to the field trip.
Well, you know it doesn't work that way, but thanks.
B-b-but I th-thought a face card beats an eight.
But, Salem,
eights are wild.
( sobs )
Five-card draw. Ante up.
Last chip, last chance.
Huh? Oh, yeah!
You are not gonna believe this hand!
Just bend over and kiss my furry--
I believe it's your turn.
And I believe I'm gonna raise you.
Unbelievable.
I finally get a winner, and I can't raise.
I've given you everything I own:
my traveler's checks,
my X-Men number one
in near-mint condition,
my Beanie Babies.
( sobbing ): I'm tapped out.
Well, I'd really like to work with you here.
Do you own any property?
Hmm?
This brown one would be good.
Or maybe this beige one.
I like the beige one.
It brings out your immaturity.
Immature?
My life is over, people!
( sobbing )
Where's your medallion, Salem?
Diamond Dave said he could melt it down
and sell the gold to a dentist.
Tell me you didn't play him.
Kind of, sort of. And I got into a little trouble.
See, I kind of bet something that wasn't mine to bet.
More like...
Well, actually, it was yours.
Kind of a big thing.
Please tell me you didn't bet the house.
How do I say this?
Whoo, boy, I'm feeling woozy.
Okay.
Did you bet this house?
Well, no.
Actually, I bet...
...you.
They seemed to take that pretty well.
Did you guys paint the piano?
Ah, ladies, welcome to the gaming floor.
Diamond Dave.
You mean, Salem bet us?
And lost?
Oh, this is absurd.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Your magic's no good here,
and neither is your credit.
I won you fair and square
in a game of Texas hold'em.
A game sanctioned by the Other Realm
Bureau of Gaming and Fishing.
For the next 20 years,
you'll be doing menial jobs for me.
C.K.: And Diamond Dave
likes things done the mortal way.
You...
will be my new cook.
That cat is going straight to the pound.
And you are my new...
maid!
That cat is going straight to a violin factory.
And you--
You will be my new personal assistant.
Wait!
You can't keep us here.
I have a life and-- And a boyfriend, and--
Did I happen to mention the job includes driving my Porsche?
Whoo-hoo!
HILDA: No fair.
She got a cute uniform.
It's my business to be popular.
Ah, you ladies are now part of that formula,
and I like my ladies upbeat and zesty.
We are cleaning, and we are smiling.
I'd like to start with a light meal:
burnt bacon, peanut butter, four bananas,
hand-mashed in a bowl.
Would you like a spoon or a straw with that?
In the grotto, and today, cookie.
Everybody heard that:
I get to drive a Porsche, right?
He called me "cookie."
We've got to find a way out,
and, of course, Salem will help.
( rock theme playing )
Oof!
I'm okay!
That was so much fun.
Eh, not bad for my first time driving stick, huh?
I'll be recovering in the grotto until the guests arrive,
and what do we say, Hilda, when I come home?
( in cockney accent ): Evenin', governor.
Needs work.
Diamond Dave wasn't kidding when he said he was popular.
It's like driving around with the pope.
People fawning all over you
is very overrated.
I don't need that kind of attention,
as I pointed out on my website.
He's starting to remind me of Libby.
I'm starting to think
that money is the root of all popularity.
Don't forget fear.
Well, Libby has that too.
Sabrina, money is just a shortcut to popularity,
and shortcuts never work.
Well, they do for Diamond Dave.
( huffs )
You look awful. What's the matter?
Oh, something to do with chitlins.
Look, I have a plan to get us out of here.
I want each of you to get me two of the ingredients on this list.
But we can't use magic.
Our fingers may have crapped out,
but we can make a sleeping potion,
and I'll mix it into Diamond Dave's next culinary atrocity.
If it works, we can make a break for it
while he and C.K. are zonked out.
I am so in.
Did I mention I'm driving a Porsche?
Okay, I'm in too.
( upbeat action theme playing )
ZELDA ( voice-over ): All we need
is the feather of a fowl,
preferably ostrich
or emu.
Two ounces of chlorophyll.
A tad of faux animal fur.
Try not to damage the coat when you take it.
Some body hair,
the coarser the better.
And top it off with a little alcohol for flavor.
Toss in a little more of that comb cleaner.
One sip of this, and he'll be out for a week.
And I haven't added the nose hairs yet.
( all cackle )
Shh.
It's only natural to get carried away
when we're gathered over a cauldron.
But remember, this potion is our last resort.
I'm still hoping Salem will save us.
( as cowboy ): Whoo, doggie!
Yee-ha!
( sobbing )
Okay, I've had my fun.
Now I've got a family to save.
( doorbell rings )
Ooh, my wontons.
I have to say, you gals are doing a stellar job.
C.K., if I were you,
I would definitely be hearing footsteps.
That's a good one, double D.
( forced laughter )
Okay, who's ready for some tongue,
mini-marshmallow and yam soup?
Just like Mama used to make.
Zelda, the grub has been magnifico,
but, you know, I've been thinking of making Hilda
my official food taster.
What? And deprive you?
Well, you know, I've been so hot at the tables recently,
you never know who might be messing with my lucky meals,
and we might as well start
with a steaming bowl of tongue.
But C.K. has seniority.
Yeah, he should have the honor.
That bum? I give him a gift every day I don't can him.
I think I'm starting to see a pattern in your humor.
Here.
You've earned it, Hilda.
Go ahead, unless there's something wrong with it.
( laughs )
( all laugh )
Oh, you know what? It's chunky style.
That's my favorite.
DAVE: A-ha.
( crunching )
I find that highly suspicious.
She's tired.
She's been working really hard.
Yeah.
Don't let us interrupt your dinner.
You witches dosed my dinner.
Does this mean I get to cook for you again?
Nice try, ladies.
I hope you enjoy your new job:
manning the septic tank.
I still get to drive the Porsche, right?
( snoring )
Aah!
What?
Oh, man!
I dreamt I was out of food.
Whoo! Check out all the dead soldiers.
Wait a minute.
I am out of food.
Now I've really gotta save them!
Ooh, easy on the bunion, princess.
And when you're done, use the clear nail polish.
Not that frosty stuff you used last time.
It's called Lady Meringue.
Can I get you anything?
How about a friend to watch my back?
Double D, I said I was sorry about the food thing.
"The food thing?" You mean the attempt to poison me?
Why would I wanna hurt you? You're my oldest friend.
He's your oldest friend?
We went to school together. I gave him a kidney.
He gave you a kidney?
What did I say when we signed the release forms?
No guilt trips.
Come on, Dave.
You're fired. But, Dave--
You heard me. Now mush.
If that's the way you want it.
But just remember this: the only reason
you aren't alone in this house
is because you're good with a deck of cards.
As a human being, you're strictly an amateur.
Yeah, well, you know what? That kidney you gave me
isn't exactly a Cadillac.
How could you do that to C.K.?
I mean, he may be a kiss-up with no personality,
but he's your friend.
Sabrina, as long as I have money,
I'll have friends.
But they aren't real friends.
And you're not really a butler,
but you'll be doing C.K.'s job from now on.
( doorbell rings )
You can start by answering the doorbell.
Ugh.
( sighs )
Diamond Dave?
Allow me to introduce
Mr. Catchow, an incredibly irresponsible Asian gambler.
( in Chinese accent ): Me crazy for Pai Gow.
( creaking )
( grunting )
Aah!
( shattering )
What was that?
Oh, look, a putty tat.
The potion still hasn't worn off.
What exactly was your plan?
Um, this is pretty much it.
I figured once I got inside,
I'd get inspired.
Perfect.
Now you're all mine.
And I got myself a new shoe buffer.
( sobbing )
Excuse me. I'm sorry. This is hugely unfair.
We can't be held responsible for anything
that a professional gambler wins from a common house pet.
A house pet who's rated by Caesar's Palace.
How about a game, just you and me?
If I win, we all get to go home.
And if you lose?
We'll stay for 100 years and clean your garage.
Sabrina, no, we're witches.
Twenty years is a drop in the bucket to us.
It may take Hilda that long to straighten up.
You look so familiar to me.
Sit like a lady, dear.
Sabrina,
I'll see your bet, and raise you.
If I win, you all stay here with me...
forever.
Done.
Poker?
No. My game.
DAVE: Chutes and Ladders?
My game, my rules.
Only if I get to be Butch.
Done.
...four, five, six.
One, two-- shoot.
A chute.
I haven't lost this game since kindergarten.
I ain't gonna start now.
We did say two out of three, right?
I am so close to the winner's circle
I can smell the champagne.
Sabrina, that has to be your last chute.
It's not like I'm doing this on purpose, Aunt Zelda.
Yes!
Six sweet steps to victory.
Oh, the glory of it all.
I can't believe it.
This is my game!
Not anymore, kid.
It's all right, Sabrina.
You played great.
And it's not like forever lasts--
Oh, dear lord, forever.
Is the room spinning
or is it me?
She's having a reaction to the potion.
Hey, Saint Vitus' dance,
take it outside.
You know what, big shot?
I spit in your grotto.
I think we need to put some coffee on for Aunt Tipsy.
You know what? I never liked you,
and your cleft really bugs me.
Oh! Oh, dear. Oh, this is bad.
This is very bad.
I'm so sorry, Diamond--
Is it me, or is Diamond Dave slumped over the table breathing
yet clearly unconscious?
That's a pretty fair assessment.
Hey!
Look, he had extra dice up his sleeve,
and it's all sixes.
No wonder he always won.
Let's get out of here.
SALEM: He must have cheated with me too.
I was robbed!
I should at least get the Leroy Neiman painting
as compensation.
Ow! My head!
I said I was super-sorry.
If I say it again, will you save my racing forms?
No.
You're not even allowed to watch Wheel of Fortune.
( sobs )
Morning. I'm late. I promise to eat
all the unbruised parts on the bus.
Are you gonna be okay
about taking the bus to the field trip?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
You know, after a week at Diamond Dave's,
I can honestly say
that I do not want to be like Libby.
It's not money that makes you happy.
It's friends like Harvey,
who ride the stupid loser bus with you.
Oh, we're so glad you see that.
Aren't we, Hilda?
Mmm. Ow!
One more thing before you go.
You're killing me here.
Oh, I think you'll make it on time.
We decided you deserved a little reward
for having such a good attitude.
But just for today.
( engine revs )
What are you, a secret agent or something?
Hop in.
Hey, check out Sabrina's ride.
Where did you get that?
Oh, my aunt's wagon broke down.
This is a loaner.
I'd offer rides, but it's a two-seater.
Hey, where are you going?
I think the bus is coming.
If I'm not gonna ride in a Porsche,
what's the difference?
But I have an opening...
next to an air bag.
Come back!
We'll try not to gun it when we pass you on the thruway.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
Any threes?
Go fish.
Any fives?
Yes, and I had my heart set on that new can of tennis balls.
Uh, read 'em and weep.
Pay the lady. Ow.
My wife's gonna kill me.
Hey, I won fair and square,
and I'm taking my winnings.
Oh. Huh. Huh.
And buying you all
rawhide treats.
God bless this woman.
All right!
Okay, settle down.