Brain freeze is something you bring on yourself.
I guess I went a little haywire
when we bet on who could drink a Polar Freeze the fastest.
( groans )
Well, if it's any consolation
at this difficult time, you lost.
So according to our deal,
you owe me one giant surprise gift.
( door opens )
Kinkle, Spellman.
( shrieks ) ( gasps )
Is Mr. Kraft still dating your aunt Zelda?
No. See? I'm in denial about it.
You better go.
Hey, kids.
We were just getting ready to watch a video.
Why don't you join us?
That is, if you think you can handle
the bittersweet anarchy
of Billy Jack Goes to Washington.
Cool... Ooh!
Oh, brain freeze. I better get him home.
( upbeat rock theme playing )
Baywatch: The Early Years.
( squeaks )
( rock theme playing )
Salem, quit staring at me.
Sorry.
I just can't stop reliving
the disgusting spectacle
I witnessed at that table last night.
Aunt Hilda told her "I-could- have-been-a-great-dancer" story?
Worse. Right where you're sitting,
Zelda was making goo-goo eyes with the Casanova
of the hall pass, Willard Kraft.
Ugh! Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross.
Think happy thoughts, like bunnies and flowers.
I'm glad Aunt Zelda's found a boyfriend,
but couldn't it have been a mammal?
Personally, I'm over it.
Oh, sure, I had issues with my sister dating a man
who's still hopelessly in love with me,
but then I just decided to let it go.
I suggest you do the same.
You're right. It's not like he's moving in.
( both laugh )
( both shriek )
Good morning, ladies.
Where's my zoo-zoo?
ZELDA: Is that my monkey?
Ugh. Friends don't let friends talk baby talk.
KRAFT: There she is.
Ready for your breakfast gordita?
Ooh.
Ooh, it looks muy bueno.
I'll tell you what muys my bueno
is when you wear your hair up like that.
( giggles ) ( whistles )
( both smooching )
I will live through this. I will live through this.
It's not working.
Oh, Sabrina, I almost forgot,
I can't drive you to school this morning,
but, luckily, Willard said he'd be delighted to take you.
Super.
And Sabrina didn't get brain freeze
because she allows the slush to sit in her mouth
and reach body temperature before exposing it
to her soft palette.
You spend entirely too much time
at frozenslushy.com.
So, what surprise are you gonna get her?
I thought the biggest surprise might be no surprise.
So, what you're saying is you need my help?
( students jeering )
I warned you to roll up your windows
when we hit school property.
But you didn't say
it was because students pelt you with garbage.
I thought that was implied.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
these hallways are crying out for the iron fist of order.
Ugh, I have milk in my ear.
"Nebraska Steaks proudly offers
"a belt-bustin' roundup of flanks 'n' franks
sure to satisfy even your most obese relatives."
Ungawa.
Salem... ( yelps )
did we see you playing with a dog?
Uh, absolutely not.
Hate 'em.
Aha!
There's a trail of slobber on your back.
It's hair product?
All right.
He answers to "Silky," his owner's a butcher,
and I'm letting him bat me around to get meat.
It's time you look into a little thing we call "dignity."
And get rid of that steak catalog.
We know you don't read the articles.
( laughing ): Stop.
( giggling )
No. No, Willard.
I'm sure Hilda and Sabrina won't mind.
Bye, monkey. Heh.
Won't mind what?
Willard's grandmother is doing
a massive renovation on her house,
so Willard needs a place to stay.
I told him he could use the apartment over the garage.
But we don't have an apartment over our garage.
( clunk )
We do now.
By the way, I mind a lot!
In fact, I've never minded anything so much in my life!
Don't you mind?
Nope.
I center on my chi, and I am free from care.
Well, I'm not.
I'll go mad, I tell you!
Mad!
Hey. Hey. Any ideas?
Think Sabrina would like some car mats?
That's not the greatest gift idea
when you don't have a car.
You know what, it's not the greatest gift idea
when you do have a car.
Hey!
How 'bout a photo portrait of the two of you?
But I already bought the car mats.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Oh, good. Valerie's helping you pick out my gift.
KRAFT ( over PA ): Attention, students.
This is your vice principal.
A recruiter from Burger World University
will be meeting today
with any interested fifth-year seniors,
and, on a personal note to Sabrina Spellman,
your aunt wants us to bring home
bread and toilet paper.
Sabrina, is Mr. Kraft living in your house?
No. He's living over the garage,
which is further from the house than most restraining orders.
I'll probably never see him.
( light rock theme playing )
Salem, I have a few questions
about carbon monoxide, garage apartments,
and making something look like an accident.
( barks ) Beg your pardon?
I said, "What a pity. Now, roll over."
( scoffs )
Berlitz's How To Speak Dog?
I'm improving myself.
MAN ( on CD ): Which way to the biblioteca?
( man barks ) Shame on you, Salem.
Silky thinks he's your friend
and you're just using him for your own pleasure.
I thought that was the point of dogs.
Besides, I am helping him.
He'll never manage his owner until he learns how to beg.
If the result is beefsteak for the cat, so be it.
Maybe you can train him to chase Mr. Kraft from the neighborhood.
( barks )
Stop asking me where the library is.
I'm in crisis here.
I can't take it anymore.
Our house has become the Smithsonian
of his toenail clippings.
Isn't he driving you crazy?
I have made a personal choice
not to be affected by Willard Kraft.
He used your toothbrush.
Deep, cleansing breath.
BOTH: ¶ Love lifts us up Where we belong ¶
¶ Where the angels fly ¶ ¶ Where the eagles fly ¶
BOTH: ¶ On a mountain high ¶
Zelda...
you complete me.
ZELDA: Oh, you know what?
I'm gonna get my copy of Love Letters
and we can read them to each other.
Oh, yes. Oh!
That is one special lady.
You know, you might want to start thinking
about calling me "Uncle Willard."
Well, they're always looking for nuns, right?
Just breathe and let it go, Sabrina.
Uh, you can call me "Uncle Willard" too, Hilda.
He must be destroyed!
( barking )
Shoot. What's the word for "floor"?
Oh, yeah. Uh...
( barks )
So we'd just be getting Mr. Kraft out of here
for Aunt Zelda's own good.
Absolutely. Someday she'll thank us.
Should we poison him?
Don't you think that's a little harsh?
Love lifts them up where they belong?
I knew he was bothering you.
We've got to find some dirt on Kraft
that will make Zelda break up with him.
Oh! Perfect: "Real Life Story."
We need some dirt And we need it fast
So give us the scoop On Willard Kraft
Welcome to Real Life Story's "Mediocrity Week."
Tonight we explore the strange journey of Willard Kraft.
Elementary school classmates describe him
as "a loner," "an outsider" and "doodie breath."
Let's fast-forward through puberty.
My hunch is it's ugly.
Well, I know he had a messy divorce.
Ooh, hit "play."
HOST: Her name was Lucy,
the only woman who could give Willard
the courage to dream again.
Love transformed the normally vexatious loner
into a frolicking free spirit.
Whimsy was his copilot.
Indeed, Willard Kraft was in love with love.
They were married in a small, private ceremony
presided over by her massage therapist.
They were so in love.
( sighs )
I can't just sit here and let Zelda get hurt
by a man who still loves two other women.
Two? Oh. Right.
We've gotta bring her back.
It's gonna be so hard on Aunt Zelda.
I don't think I can do that to her.
KRAFT: Has anyone seen my antifungal foot ointment?
Mr. Kraft With a past so juicy
Return to us His ex-wife Lucy
Ah...
It's good to be back in the mortal realm.
"Mortal realm"?
Wait a minute.
You're a witch?!
Mr. Kraft married a witch?
Well, of course, he didn't know I was a witch.
I thought it would be...
less confusing that way.
Oh, I have my magic again.
Oh, I adore the mortal realm.
It's such a refreshing change from where I live:
The Republic of Infinite Horror.
Sounds exotic.
It's near Lake Male Superior.
It's an awful part of the Other Realm
where women are forbidden to use magic.
Who came up with that brainstorm?
The men. The men.
Then why don't you just move to the mortal realm?
My republic forbids a woman to emigrate without a husband
and that's why I married Willard.
And because you loved him.
Okay.
And I would do anything to get him back.
Oh, dear, here come the waterworks.
So why did you two split up?
Why does any relationship go bad?
Maybe I shouldn't have turned him into a beast of burden,
or made out with his best friend Dexter.
The bottom line is
Willard divorced me,
and without him, I was deported back to the I.H.
Infinite Horror.
Right.
Well, if it helps at all,
I think he's right downstairs.
Really?
I-- I haven't seen him since the day I...
left the fence unlatched and he got out.
She seems nice.
( clank )
Oh. Hoo-hoo.
Boy, I shouldn't wait a week to irrigate my ears.
Mr. Kraft, we have a surprise for you.
Willard, darling.
No. No.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
This is a bad dream.
( screams )
( door slams ) I'm so glad he's still alive.
Hey, Valerie, I made an appointment
at a portrait studio
and I have the perfect way to get Sabrina there
and keep it a surprise.
I'll tell her war has broken out
and I have to take her to a secret bomb shelter.
Or you could just blindfold her
and tell her it's a surprise.
Okay.
So much for the sound-effect tapes I've been making.
Hello.
ZELDA: Oh, there you are, stranger.
I was beginning to worry about you.
Well, actually, I just came by to borrow some coriander.
I'm making dinner for Lucy.
Lucy's a nice lady.
Lucy?
As in your ex-wife Lucy?
Yes, apparently, she left a hole in my life, and I...
You look nice, Zelda.
LUCY: Willie-poo!
Coming.
Say goodbye to Uncle Willard.
I go to the trouble of brewing you a cup
of my special herb tea and you disappear.
Is it just me or are men getting less obedient
than they used to be?
You must be Lucy.
I'm Zelda.
It's so nice to meet you.
I really miss you.
LUCY: Drink your tea, dear. Oh.
Lucy has pretty eyes and...
thanks to her, no more runaway mucus.
No more tissues in the sofa cushion.
I can't wait.
LUCY: Well, if you'll excuse us,
I think a certain Willie-poo has a dinner to make.
Right, a dinner.
They seem civil...
after all these years.
I think I'll, uh, take a little walk.
It's working.
Yay!
And Aunt Zelda's okay, right?
Absolutely.
This breakup was bound to happen
sooner or later, and let's face it,
the sooner the breakup, the less pain...for us.
( barking )
( barks )
Good, boy.
Yeah, baby!
I can taste the fillets.
I'll just pretend his frothy spit is a garnish.
( barks )
( sighs )
It's so nice that...
both of you could join us for a glass of wine.
Well, I knew there was no way
I'd get this one out of the house without me,
so I finally said, "Willie-poo, enough with the foot rubs."
( Zelda chuckles )
You know, he calls me "zoo-zoo."
I do? Yes, and I call you "monkey."
Like some godless hairy primate?
No, like a cute little monkey with big eyes...
and, now, he answers to "poo."
There's a trade up.
I'll get more wine.
You two seem to be getting along well.
I like Lucy.
She's a nice lady.
Oh, stop.
I'm sorry.
Was that--? Was that bad?
No, dear, it's a figure of speech.
Fig--? Y-you're not gonna hit me, then?
( chuckling )
ZELDA: Well...
KRAFT: Ooh, I like
your hair up like that.
LUCY: Willard!
You look dehydrated.
Uh, didn't you wanna tell Zelda something?
Yes.
( clears throat )
Zelda, I'm moving out of the garage.
Lucy has room for me at her place.
So thanks.
I see.
Well, let me tell you something.
I-- I got you cable in that garage.
What am I doing? I'm groveling.
I'm debasing myself for a man.
I sound like Hilda.
Well, we should go.
Your best friend Dexter's coming over, isn't he?
Shall I carry you, dear?
No, not this time.
We'll see ourselves out.
I do not debase myself for a man.
I'm worried about Aunt Zelda.
Oh, yeah, her.
Boy, it's a good thing
you found out about it now, eh, Zellie?
I don't blame Willard.
He seems happy. You don't mind?
Oh, when you truly care about someone, you--
You want what's best for them...
but I'm gonna miss him.
Told you it was for the best.
I really don't know why I care about that man,
just he makes me so happy.
Aunt Zelda, you don't know the whole story.
Lucy's from the Other Realm.
I brought her back.
You what?!
Aunt Hilda and I brought her back.
We had to. He did yoga in a unitard.
Wait a minute. Lucy's a witch?
Yeah, and she's using magic to get him back.
He doesn't like her, it's the tea talking.
How dare you two try to break up Willard and me.
Don't dwell on the past.
You can compete with Lucy.
Start brewing potions pronto.
Try the All's-Fair- in-Love-and-War spell.
Quick. I think she's ordering him an ear tag.
Maybe one little potion.
I've got to get that modem fixed.
Oh, look, your hair's down again.
I guess everything eventually loses the battle with gravity.
( gavel pounds )
JUDGE: Silence!
Do you know why the council pulled you in here, ladies?
Because you're lonely?
"Two witches battling over a mortal..."
A vice principal?
He's a heartbeat away from running the entire high school.
And he loves me.
Your Honor, I'm not involved with thi--
Silence!
Well, you know the law.
The Witches' Council has clearly stated
that cases such as these
must be settled in an appropriate forum,
one that is fair and full of wisdom.
AUDIENCE ( chanting ): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
The Jerry Springer Show?
You know, uh, Zelda thought
she had a good thing going with Willard
until his ex-wife Lucy came to town
with a simple warning:
"Get your hands off my mortal."
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Why are they so excited?
Because he's my man.
You were just keeping him warm till I got back.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Obviously, you're very upset. Uh, tell us how it all started.
Well, you have to understand,
Mr. Kraft is not just Zelda's boyfriend.
He's also my vice principal.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
And my ex-boyfriend.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
It was really hard living with him,
so we decided to bring back his ex-wife.
( audience jeers )
We didn't know she was a witch!
Oh, everyone can just--
( bleeping )
( audience cheers )
She's not swearing.
I know, but this way, it sounds like she did.
I think it's time now that we, uh, bring out the mortal
and, uh, maybe he can decide, uh, which witch.
Please welcome Willard Kraft!
( audience booing )
Lucy?
And Zelda?
Where am I?
You're with me, dear. Come and sit down.
Don't do it, Willard. I really care about you.
She's just using you.
Honey, all the magic in your bag couldn't get you a man.
( audience clamoring )
AUDIENCE ( chanting ): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
I didn't expect the show would take this direction,
so we'll be right back.
Silky, boy!
Stupid dog, he should be back by now.
If he ran across a tennis ball, I'm doomed.
We are back, and, of course, now it's time for Willard to choose.
Will it be Lucy or Zelda?
I'll tell you what, before we let him choose,
we do have a surprise.
You see, we did a potion check on Willard.
Okay, now, this is what a normal man looks like.
As you can see, very few potions,
because we, as witches, have to remember
that we cannot use magic irresponsibly.
You know, there are those that...
I-I'm sorry, that's my "final thought."
That comes later.
Let's check in now on Willard.
HILDA: Wow.
That is worse than Elvis' autopsy.
LUCY: I-I did it for his own good.
He was weak and, if it got me out of the Infinite Horror,
well, that was a sacrifice I was willing to make.
You've got to drain him, Jerry.
( cheering and applause )
Okay, uh, now, Willard, you are back to normal.
So are you ready to make a decision?
Jerry, uh, this woman is still trying to kill me--
( audience jeers )
--and this lady laughs at my little jokes--
( laughs )
--and has the sweetest smile.
Oh. So...
I guess I'm what you'd have to call a "no-brainer."
It's Lucy.
( audience gasps )
I'm only kidding you. It's Zelda.
No!
You change your mind, you spineless slug,
'cause I ain't going back to hell-town!
Oh, yes, you are.
AUDIENCE ( chanting ): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
( rock theme playing )
You know, everyone laughs at that show,
but when you're on it, something just takes over.
I hope you've learned your lesson.
You claimed you and Sabrina were helping Zelda
when, in fact, you were just helping you and Sabrina.
You did the same thing with Silky.
You weren't training him to help Silky.
It was all for Salem.
I guess we were both being selfish.
Of course, in my case, it worked out.
Venison?
( laughing )
Oh, what a day.
I just saw Willard home and gave him a potion
to keep him from remembering any of this.
Not another potion.
Oh, it'll flush out with his Metamucil.
As soon as the swelling goes down in my jaw,
I wanna talk to you and Sabrina.
Where is she?
Valerie whisked her away.
It seemed very important and rather formal.
This had better be a good surprise.
It hasn't exactly been the best day.
Relax. Just have a seat right here.
Can I take my blindfold off now?
Shh. Something you should know--
Okay, let's get this show on the road.
( camera clicks )
I want you to know that just because I'm seeing your aunt,
don't expect any special treatment around here.
I don't, Mr. Kraft.
Yeah, no favors, no politics,
and no calling me "Willard."
It'll be hard, but okay.
In fact, I'm gonna have to give you
detention this Friday.
What? Why?
'Cause your Aunt Zelda told me you'd been
watching Jerry Springer instead of doing your homework
and that just ain't kosher, milady.
Well, she watches too!
Hey! Don't take that tone with me.
I am still vice principal
of this school, and I demand respect.
( students yelling )