and you're just the guy to write it, Harvey. squad,
Don't worry, it'll be fun.
"It'll be fun."
I need to use the phone.
Wrap it up, lady.
Oh, that's just our lonely, crazy neighbor.
He came over to borrow more tinfoil for his hat.
Huh?
I'll talk to you at school.
Hey!
It's my turn-- this isn't fair.
Write a letter to PETA.
Yes...
I'd like to order a dozen long-stem roses
for Principal Willard Kraft
at Westbridge High School.
Yes, I've met him.
Roses? Did he die?
I just like him.
That's a shame, now that he's passed on.
Well, enough with the boohoo.
Pass me the phone.
Hey!
Why are you so anxious to talk on the phone, anyway?
I need to call in to Nick Bakay's sports show on ESPN Radio.
All he ever talks about is the Buffalo Bills,
and his voice-- Lord, is it is annoying.
Well, I'm sure whatever Aunt Hilda's talking about
is much more important than that.
Yes, I'd like to reserve a floor buffer.
Great!
Ta.
Finally.
I tell you, I'm sick of being the only guy
in a house full of hens.
Ooh... that's going to cost you.
( gasps )
Oh, turn me back!
Turn me back!
¶ ¶
¶ Secrets ¶
¶ You never gonna learn ¶
¶ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ¶
¶ Secrets, secrets ¶
¶ Secrets. ¶
(thunder crashing)
The Other Realm announced
that they'll pay cash money
for each empty potion bottle.
Got any?
No, I have this strange ritual I perform with empty things.
I throw them away.
Well, I'm sure there's some in the basement.
I mean, if there's half as much glassware
as mouse droppings, this witch is Aruba-bound.
Why is it as soon as I get out all my winter clothes
we suddenly get stupid Indian summer?
I believe the correct term is
"stupid Native American summer."
You're going to get a break
with this unseasonably warm weather, Sabrina.
Brad's witch-hunting gene will be dormant.
Yeah, besides the fact that you'll be wearing wool
during a heat wave, it should be an easy week.
Sabrina, you've got mail.
Maybe Valerie finally tore herself
away from her new friends, to write me.
Oh, great.
Mr. Kraft just gave me detention over the computer!
What did you do?
Breathe.
You know, something has been bothering Willard lately.
I think I'm going to have him over
for lunch today.
Maybe some tuna salad and cole slaw
will help him reveal his true feelings.
And I shall happily take refuge
in the damp squalor we call a basement.
SABRINA: You know, Aunt Zelda
I think it's a great idea
to have Mr. Kraft over for lunch.
That'll be 45 minutes where he can't
make my life miserable.
He's always nice to me.
HARVEY: So, have you heard
from Valerie?
Yeah, she's doing great.
Apparently, Disneyland isn't
"the happiest place on earth"-- Anchorage is.
Well, don't tell the people in Juneau.
Hey, I decided to do that sports article for you.
Great, let's talk money-- there is none.
You got yourself a deal
except that I'm going to need some help writing it.
Oh, I'll be glad to help.
It'll be fun
and it'll take my mind off Valerie.
But I already asked Brad to help me.
What?
Don't worry.
He's a great writer.
He won a contest in the second grade.
Oh, well, maybe you can fit his "trip to grandma's"
into the article.
What's up, guys?
Hey, so, did you tell her about my idea yet?
HARVEY: Hey, Brad thinks
we should interview the towel boys
promise anonymity
and get a real, inside look at the team.
Oh, that's an interesting idea...
unfortunately.
We're on it.
What's that saying--
"two's company, three's pathetic"?
( chuckles )
Whenever Mr. Kraft talks, he spews verbal anthrax.
Valerie would've loved that line...
and I wouldn't be talking to myself right now.
Wasn't this a nice idea?
You get a home- cooked lunch
and we get a chance to...
talk.
What is this, the inquisition?
Look, Willard, I know something's been bothering you.
Whoa-ho-ho, look at the time.
I got to run.
Those kids don't yell at themselves.
Well, at least let me put a sandwich in a bag for you.
Well, I do love tuna.
I can't get Willard to talk.
You've done wonders with him.
You think I should cast an honest-and-vulnerable spell?
Yes.
It'll make his feelings
as open as his mouth is when he's chewing.
I'll do it.
Here's your sandwich.
Thank you-- got to run.
Are you sure you don't want
to tell me what's been bothering you?
It's Wally.
Wally?
My brother.
Sure, I got the good name
but he got everything else--
looks, charm... a personality.
Now he's coming to visit.
Well, so, you'll put up with him for a few days,
and then say good-bye to perfect Pete.
No, it's "Wally"
and you don't understand.
He's stolen every girlfriend I've ever had
and many that I just claimed to have.
Oh, Willard, you're not worried.
Oh, you're just...
you're so breathtakingly beautiful.
He's going to want to steal you.
Oh, you're so vulnerable...
and so honest.
HILDA: How did it go?
Wonderfully.
Did you remove the spell?
No.
I like him honest and vulnerable.
Besides, what could it hurt?
...and, sometimes, when I sleep at night,
I am so consumed with self-doubt
that I suck my thumb.
Okay, this is new--
getting sick before lunch.
Oh, hey.
Brad and I are having a blast with that article.
Thanks for making me do it.
Sure. Anything to bring you and Brad closer together.
SALEM: If that's my novel...
( chuckling ): The character "Tabrina" is really a composite.
This is Harvey and Brad's article.
It took them all of homeroom to write it,
so you know it's got to be good.
Hey, leave the sarcasm to the professionals.
You know, I really should be supportive of Harvey
and give Brad the benefit of the doubt...
but I bet this article really bites.
( laughing )
Oh, man...
I haven't read sportwriting this good
since the glory days of Jimmy Cannon.
Oh, what would you know?
So the phrases are witty
and the metaphors are imaginative;
it's still bad writing.
Yeah, Pulitzer bad.
( laughing )
( chuckling ): Bye, monkey.
So, it's settled.
Willard and his brother are coming
to dinner, and I'm going to show him
that I'm immune to Wally's charms.
Too bad you're not immune to Willard.
My, but you have found
a lot of empty potion bottles.
Not really.
Suddenly, I remembered we're witches.
One point and we've got more empties
than Boris Yeltsin's trash can.
Hilda...
"Attention-- redeeming magically reproduced bottles will result
in a heavy fine and unreachable itching."
Good.
Does Big Brother never sleep?
"No."
So, do you want to join us for dinner?
No, thanks.
I'd rather wade
through ankle-deep dust
and breathe bacteria-laden spores
than eat with two Krafts.
So, you'll be in the basement?
Until I can afford... Aruba.
Oh, for Pete's sake...
No, if you don't respect my opinion
that this writing is garbage,
then maybe you'll believe some professionals.
Mr. Twain?
Quite amusing.
Oh, stop breathing steamboat fumes.
This essay's the thing.
Oh, like you really wrote any of your own plays.
Miss Dickinson?
This shows real talent.
Shut-in.
( bubbling, percolating sound )
Uh-oh...
Sounds like you're making the sound witches make
when jealousy is percolating.
I am not jealous.
I mean, just because Harvey has
a new best friend who he likes more than me
and his new best friend is more talented than I am
and my old best friend is in Alaska
with her new best friend, big deal!
I thought I was your best friend.
( percolating )
Sabrina,
are you percolating with jealousy?
No, I'm...
bubbling over with ideas.
You have to be careful, honey.
You could develop jealotosis,
a condition where jealousy gets out of control.
That doesn't sound very good.
You can fight it.
All you have to do is be very happy
for the person you're jealous of.
So, you're saying I have to accept the fact
that Harvey has a new best friend
and be happy for him.
I can do that-- I can be happy for him.
Well, good.
How happy?
Hey, Sabrina, did you read our article?
I still have to look at it, but... I'm happy for you.
If it's too short, let us know,
'cause while were hanging out at the arcade,
Brad thought up a couple more great jokes.
I'm happy for you.
If I sometimes seem irritable,
it's because I have inoperable hemorrhoids.
I'm happy for you.
Come on, Harv, let's go work
on our Government project together.
( percolating )
( sighs )
I really was happy for Mr. Kraft.
Sabrina...
Oh, uh...
just wearing the shades to be cool.
Nothing to be concerned about.
( doorbell rings )
Oh, that must be Willard and Wally.
No, no, no, no, no, no, even at my age,
the right pacifier can be really comforting.
Stop revealing these things to me.
Oh, dear, the vulnerability spell.
But in the deepest depths of my soul, I still believe that...
that was some football game on Sunday, huh?
Yeah, well, here goes.
( sighs )
Zelda, Wally.
Wally, Zelda.
You sold her short, Willard.
She's more beautiful than a Monet painting.
Oh, my, my.
You are the second- most-charming Kraft I've ever met.
You've met mother.
Oh... you.
And it starts.
HILDA: Someone has stolen
our potions t...
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I overdressed.
Ah, and who is this dust storm of enchantment?
Hilda, but you can call me, "dust storm of enchantment."
( laughing )
Hilda, I'd like you to meet my brother Wally.
Some other time.
Right now, I'd like to get to know this cutie.
I think he likes her.
Yes.
I'm happy for them.
( startled gasping )
Oh!
S-Sabrina, you woke me up.
Whatever happened to quiet desperation?
I have to find a spell, but I can't see anything.
Well, remove the shades, Miss Pulp Fiction.
Dear Lord!
You're green with envy.
You have jealotosis.
Jealousy will take over you and your world.
( crying ): All is lost!
( regular voice ): But I wouldn't worry about it.
Here it is.
"the cure to jealotosis.
Jealousy must run its natural course."
Since when did this book start taking
a holistic approach to magic?
Maybe all you need is a good night's sleep.
Right. And tomorrow I'll wake up
and be happy for Harvey and Brad.
SALEM: Behold, the first envy-powered night light.
( grunts )
Is the glow gone?
You know what?
I am so sick of Harvey and his friend Brad
always laughing, having fun, making plans.
On the plus side,
(chuckles) you look rested.
You know, Dreama's not even around for me to hang out with.
But you know what? I'm a witch.
I can have any best friend I want.
Tara Lipinski!
What's going on?
I was at the rink, and now I...
You're my new best friend!
Come on. Let's get ready for school.
Now I have no reason to be jealous of anyone.
SALEM: Hey, gold medal girl.
Show me a triple lutz.
Hey! She's my friend, not yours.
Don't you want to ask about last night?
Didn't you notice how Wally and I really hit it off?
No, not really.
You know, when I'm with Willard, I can't help but shut out
the rest of the world.
Well, the feeling is mutual
on the part of the rest of the world.
Anyway,
Wally and I have so much in common.
He loves literature, art, science.
You have no interest in those subjects.
I do now.
Wally's going to take me to the Van Gogh exhibit.
You're kidding!
I've been hinting to Willard to take me there.
But the Babylon 5 convention should be culturally enriching.
Well, I'm off to school
with my new best friend, Tara Lipinski.
I can't believe he's taking you to Van Gogh.
Attention, everyone.
All detention is canceled because
¶ my brother didn't steal my gal. ¶
Man, I've never seen Mr. Kraft so happy.
You weren't here last year for the public caning.
( laughs )
Oh, yeah, laugh all you want
but I've got a new best friend now, too.
Tara Lipinski!
I'm in love!
(all clamoring)
Wow, it's great having a best friend.
There's so many places we can go
where I can stand off to the side
while everyone else pays attention to her
and she doesn't even notice I'm alive!
Wally and I just had the most divine lunch
at Chez Maurice.
You and Willard have probably never have been there,
because there's no drive-through.
Willard and I had a very nice lunch today.
Food at Custer's has improved.
I didn't even chip a tooth this time.
Did I show you the flowers Wally brought me?
Willard and I have a relationship
that's so strong, he doesn't need
to give me presents.
Oh, really?
Oh, what's this then?
"Zelda, keep this handy for the next monster truck show."
Give me that.
Sabrina, even though I'm in the middle
of a psychotic episode
I liked your friends, especially Brad.
Oh, yeah. Everyone likes Brad.
Everyone likes you-- well, you know what?
You can just find yourself a new best friend.
Sabrina, would you remove your dark glasses, dear?
Oh, I would, but it's like a tanning salon in here.
Sabrina.
Oh, no, you've got full-blown jealotosis.
Or a lousy brand of contacts.
I know. That's why I'm going to go hide away in your room.
My room? Yeah. It's a lot better than my little dinky one.
Oh, wow, this is a bad case
if she's envying your decor.
Sabrina, you can't hide away.
Jealotosis can't run it's course
unless you're out in public encountering people
who have things you want.
Wow, you know so much.
I envy that stuff!
Honey, when you're older
it'll be easier to control your jealousy.
Oh, like the way you're controlling your jealousy
over my relationship with Wally?
I'm afraid your confusing jealousy with pity.
Why don't I have someone to argue with?
Sabrina, go back to school and envy
someone your own age.
Cool outfit. See? That was good.
I wasn't jealous at all.
I got an "A"! I got an "A"!
Hey, why should you get an "A" and not me?
Uh, you're not in the class.
Right.
I didn't even want to be in that class
and I'm not jealous of you a bit.
Not a bit!
Hi, Sabrina.
You seem happy. I don't want to be happy.
That's not something I crave at all.
Hey, did you read the article yet?
Yeah, but I'm not publishing it.
Ha! There.
Now you're not so happy any more are you, Señor Happy?
Now you got nothing I want.
Hey, Sabrina.
Oh, don't try to act all innocent with me.
I saw you cozying up to the lunch lady.
What does if for you? Her support hose?
(chuckles) Are you okay?
Why wouldn't I be okay?
I'm a better writer than Brad
and I look better in a hairnet than Mrs. Hornbuckle.
What's the matter, jealous?
I don't care if you have a secret.
I don't like secrets.
What's the secret?!
I'm really glad
that you and Hilda have hit it off
because she never cared much for me.
That's what's so great about my relationship with her.
We seem to agree on everything.
Oh, now, come on.
( both chuckle )
Why should Mr. Kraft have a best friend and not me?
Why should he get to be happy and not me?
Why does he...?
Oh, no. I'm jealous of Mr. Kraft!
(liquid sloshing)
Salem, where am I?
Congratulations, Sabrina.
You're in the Jealous Sea.
The Jealous Sea?
Hey, I didn't come up with the name.
I just work here, so get off my back.
Well, what is this place?
It's your kind of place.
A place where you have everything
and everyone else has nothing.
My classmates, what happened to them?
Good news.
They all had to drop out of school.
Now they've entered the exciting field
of menial labor.
Now you'll be the only one to get good grades.
That's not good news. I didn't...
Hey, you missed a spot!
What am I saying?
So cold. No clothes, no job, no food,
and this barrel's a rental.
Mr. Kraft...
Can't we do something for him?
Not mention that the barrel makes him look heavy?
Anyway, you can't be happy
as long as he's happy, right?
But...
Harvey.
Sabrina, I don't have
a best friend anymore.
So quit your bellyaching!
You still have Sabrina.
Yeah, but it was kind of nice having a best friend, too.
I'm going to miss him.
I know.
That's exactly how I felt when Valerie moved away.
I don't want you to go through that, too.
Salem, do something.
This is what you wanted.
I didn't want this.
Why couldn't I have just been happy for Harvey?
Yeah. And why can't I find better work
than being a know-it-all in a subconscious daydream?
Dream?
Sabrina?
Sabrina, are you okay?
If everyone else has what they want
it doesn't diminish what I have.
Absolutely.
When she fainted, did she hit her head?
I don't know.
No, really, think about it.
If everyone else has great stuff
it doesn't take away
all the wonderful things that I have.
I'm happy to hear you say that.
Let's go to the nurse.
No, no. I'm fine.
Can I have everyone's attention?
I just want to apologize for the way I've been behaving
and I want you all to get good grades
and not become janitors
unless the custodial work is your passion.
Oh, Brad, I'm going to publish the article
that you and Harvey wrote.
It's excellent.
Then why did you reject it before?
Well, you know, running a newspaper
is a very complicated business
but mainly, I was just being a jerk.
Okay, I got to go apologize to Mr. Kraft now.
(chuckling): Okay, that's it.
You're going to the nurse.
I just heard from the Other Realm.
Sabrina's back from the Jealous Sea
and her jealotosis is gone.
Oh, good.
Do you remember when we were teenagers
and the Jealous Sea had the best Club Med?
Yeah.
It's also made me remember
that a person can be happy for others
without diminishing what she has.
Uh-huh.
And I just want to say that I've been acting jealous,
and I'm sorry.
I want you and Wally to have a great time tonight.
Thanks, Zellie.
I'm sure we'll enjoy the ballet.
I mean, handsome men in tights-- how bad can it be?
The ballet?
I mentioned that
to Willard months ago, and I get nothing!
I'm glad I didn't tell you we have orchestra seats.
Oh, let me guess.
This is the way mature witches handle their jealousy?
I can't believe I blew like that.
What is your problem?
Do you want to date Wally?
No. I'm not jealous because he likes you.
I'm jealous because Wally takes you to all the places
I want Willard to take me.
You know, I may be a younger, less mature witch,
but it seems to me
that if you want Mr. Kraft to take you places
instead of waiting for him to ask you,
why don't you ask him?
You're right.
I'm going to.
I'm going to ask Willard Kraft to the ballet.
( snoring )
Hey.
Oh, hi, Harvey.
Hey, I understand the article you and Brad wrote
was a big hit.
People seem to like it.
Like it?
You should have seen he and Brad walk into math class.
It was like Lillian Hellman walking into Sardi's
after The Little Foxes.
So you ready to start the next one?
Yeah. Let's go get Brad and start brainstorming.
You know what?
Do you think just the two of us
could work on this one?
Really?
Yeah. I don't know
if you're aware of it
but Brad and I have been spending
a lot of time together lately.
Really? I hadn't noticed.
So how was your date with Harvey?
Oh, it was great. We went to the Slicery.
All of our friends were there.
Most of them at our table
so we're going to ease into
the whole "spending time alone" thing.
How was your date with Wally?
Well, he's not really my type.
We didn't have that much in common
and I really don't like his cologne.
So you going out again?
Tuesday.
I just finished an experiment.
Thought I'd save you the potion bottle.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, I thought you were going to cash
those in for a trip to the islands?
I was. And then I remembered
I'm a witch.
I'll be back when I get a tan.