Hi... ya!
Let me guess.
They're doing A Chorus Line and you're Cassie?
I, Salem, have taken up Tae Bo.
Instead of conquering the world, I'm just going to kick butt.
You can't learn Tae Bo.
You have no body weight or leg extension,
not to mention will or courage.
Perfect.
I will use that as my daily affirmation.
I think you're going to need some help.
SALEM: Billy Blanks!
I am your clay.
Mold me.
Now, that doesn't look so hard.
(Salem yells)
Salem, are you okay?
(panting)
(spitting)
I love this sport!
(sighing)
¶ ¶
¶ Secrets ¶
¶ You're never gonna know ¶
¶ You're never gonna get it ¶
¶ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ¶
¶ Secrets, secrets ¶
¶ Secrets. ¶
¶ ¶
Hey...
do you still have a crush on Josh?
Oh, please, when was the last time I brought that up?
Yesterday. What, are you wearing wire for the Feds?
Okay, so I had a teensy crush on him,
but I'm over it.
Harvey's the only guy for me.
Plus, you know, Josh isn't even that nice.
JOSH: Hi, guys.
Sabrina, here's your cappuccino, just the way you like it,
and don't worry about the dishes.
I already did them.
(Josh whistling)
See? What a creep.
You know, we have been so busy at the clock shop
that we are really behind on our chores.
Oh, style maven B. Smith would be horrified.
I can top that.
I'm horrified.
Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda, take a look at this.
Okay... turn the bowl into an apple.
Okay...
the bowl was a priceless heirloom,
but... nice magic, Dreama.
Wait, give it a minute.
This keeps happening.
I think it's because she's nervous.
Remember when I used to get nervous
and all I could zap in were pineapples?
But never the ham.
I think Dreama's suffering
from a lack of magic glue.
That's why her spells don't stick.
Hold the pull an extra beat.
Oh, okay.
Let's hurry-- Harvey's football game
starts in 15 minutes, and the sooner I get there,
the sooner I can be numb from the cold.
Oh, you know, she's really not that much of a help.
(band playing, crowd cheering)
Hey, did you see me waving at you?
You know, in this temperature,
it's hard to get any lateral movement,
but I got a few up-and-down motions going.
I'm sorry... I get so into the game
that I don't notice anything around me.
Imagine if I were actually playing.
Well, you want to go get some coffee and warm up?
I already told Brad and the others
I'd meet them at the Slicery,
but since you sat
through this whole game for me,
I'm going to do something I don't want to do for you.
Let's go get coffee.
You romantic, you.
(acoustic guitar strumming)
Hey, Sabrina, that folk singer
I'm always talking about is playing here tonight.
Bob Dylan?
Let me rephrase that.
The folk singer I talk about
who no one's ever heard of is playing here tonight.
Oh, well, maybe he'll play that song
no one's ever heard of.
Why do people keep coming in here?
Oh, yeah, the "Open" sign.
¶ And the writing on the tuna can said ¶
¶ "Packed in water, this dolphin is dead..." ¶
(playing harmonica)
And to think I almost missed this
by playing Foosball with my friends.
You can go to the Slicery if you're not having any fun.
You know, we don't have to be together on every date.
Thanks.
Man, we have a great relationship.
I really hope he doesn't sell out and go electric.
If that's a grocery list,
I need my blue power drink.
Sorry. Obviously, we're behind in our chores.
Just have some juice.
But my punches and kicks are powerless
without that expensive blue liquid.
Look what I found in the laundry.
That's been in there
since Lyndon Johnson was president?
Andrew Johnson.
We are behind.
You could just zap me some of that
synthetically engineered beverage.
You know what happens to witches
who zap chores in the Mortal Realm.
They live happily ever after?
They end up taking everything for granted
and appreciating nothing.
But don't worry. We're going to buckle down
and handle this the way any mortal would.
We're hiring someone to do our housework for us.
In fact, I am going to send the application right now.
After we remove two years of Hot Pocket crumbs
from the toaster. Hold on.
That sounds dangerous.
Better let an expert handle it.
(slurping)
(electrical crackling)
(sighs): Worth it.
Ah, Oliver Twist.
They don't write them like that anymore, huh?
You know Oliver Twist?
That's great.
My study group just fell apart.
I have this big exam.
Do you think you can ask me some questions?
Sure. Be right back.
Stupid pineapple.
Don't be nervous.
Make me read fast and good as if my name were Evelyn Wood.
Okay.
(coughs)
All right.
Name the boys who were part of Fagin's band of ragamuffins.
Oh, that's easy, um...
And which one was the most Christ-like figure and why?
So much for lobbing me a softball to get started. Um...
Yeah, you know, we might be here all night.
Maybe we should send out for some coffee.
I can't wait for our new housekeeper to get here.
I know. I'm exhausted watching you clean so much.
(lightning crashing)
ALL: Arrrrgh!
I want a word with that agency.
Let's start with the key facts.
One: we don't want you here. (exclaiming)
And two: the last time
you were here, you tried to kill us.
But failed.
We're on probation.
We need this job to stay out of prison.
Well, they don't smell of drink.
Any weapons?
Only ones that kill germs on contact.
We did accidentally keep them locked up
without any food or water for several decades.
True.
Okay, boys, you guilted us into it.
(ecstatic cheering) But...!
If I am pierced by just one cutlass,
you're out of here.
(ecstatic hooting and hollering)
(bell rings)
Well, it's Thursday.
Ready to go wander aimlessly around the mall
like we always do? I can't.
Some of the guys are going to kidnap
Eastbridge's mascot and they need me along.
Why? How many people does it take to steal a turtle?
A heavily guarded turtle.
Are you okay?
Oh, totally, you know.
That's just the kind of relationship Harvey and I have.
He does what he wants to do; I do what I want to do,
and we're both so mature that we don't even care
that we're not seeing each other.
I hope the pirates are having a good day.
Or at least a bloodless one.
Welcome to your home.
Everything looks okay.
The clutter's gone, the rug's vacuumed.
Nice job, boys.
HILDA: With one tiny exception.
Who are these people?
Scurvy knaves what come to pillage.
Anyone who rang the doorbell.
Hi, I'm Ed McMahon.
Could-could somebody untie me?
Oh, of course, Mr. McMahon.
"Already a winner..."
yeah, right.
Bye-bye.
Thank you for coming. Stop by again sometime.
Watch your step there, please.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
Good first day, eh?
How should I put this?
Nay!
Oh. Oh. Oh...
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
For not pointing out that you shrunk?
Thanks to your exquisite quizzing,
I aced the Oliver Twist exam.
It was fresh on my mind.
Have you read Great Expectations?
Okay. I mean, sure.
Uh, yeah, I can give you some exquisite quizzing on that.
Thank you.
Ladies, ladies, please don't fire us.
They'll chain us in the dungeon for a hundred years.
Look, my allergies will go crazy.
Perhaps you don't understand.
You did a very poor job.
What were we thinking?
They're wild maniacs.
No one can train them to keep house.
We need someone with an iron fist.
We need Norman Schwarzkopf.
(gasps): We need George Patton.
We need...
Excuse me, B. Smith...
We can't talk...
and make centerpieces at the same time.
Later, I'll show you
how to rejuvenate the edges on your daggers.
(enthusiastic murmuring)
Right, sorry.
Hey, Sabrina...
Nice banana.
I could turn it into a watch for about ten seconds.
Oh, so your magic glue still isn't sticking?
Well, on the plus side, no pineapples.
Oh, uh, I checked my schedule.
I'm not working Friday.
Do you think you could help me study then?
You'll have to ask my slave-driving boss
if he can give me the night off.
I'll have a word with him.
Okay, but be careful because, you know,
he gets kind of violent when he's been drinking.
You can't study with him Friday night.
Aren't you going to Harvey's game?
I forgot.
Harvey won't care.
I mean, he hardly even notices when I'm there.
He won't mind if I miss Just one.
Sabrina, say hello to Harry.
We fixed him up with a heat rock in my garage
and you should see this guy eat peas.
You do know you have to give him back after the game, right?
I know.
Here, look what I got you.
Oh, it'll go perfect with my "Beat Eastbridge" skirt.
This is going to be the best game ever.
Come on, Harry. Time for your walk.
Okay, so maybe this game does mean something to Harvey.
I'll just talk with Josh.
Wow, Sabrina, I just checked my syllabus.
This test counts for half my grade.
You're my lifesaver.
I'll see you Friday.
Do things ever work out well for you?
Wah... ya!
Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda, help!
Perhaps I can be of assistance.
Perhaps I can guide you through the philosophy of Tae Bo.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Harvey's expecting me to be at the game
but I already told Josh I'd help him study.
I see, and in this scenario, who do you need to kick box?
Forget it. What am I going to do?
I mean, my whole world is crashing down around me
and I can't think of anything else, but...
Do I smell fudge?
So I don't want to disappoint Josh
but I don't want to disappoint Harvey either.
What do you want to do?
Oh, yes, very good, yes. Mm-hmm.
Well, I've been to every game Westbridge has ever had,
but I've never been inside a college library.
Then help Josh.
Uh-huh, right, right.
But... which boy needs you more?
Ooh... Oh, yes.
Well, Josh could study without me.
Harvey.
Harvey... That's it. Harvey it is.
But... Harvey definitely could play without me.
Josh.
Josh, yes. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. But...
if go to the game, Josh would just be inconvenienced.
Harvey might be hurt.
Oh...
Harvey.
Josh.
(gasping) No.
Okay, it's decided.
I'll tell Josh tomorrow I can't study.
Mmm. Oh.
Look, as long as we're sharing,
I was wondering if everyone could help me
with a personal problem I've been struggling with.
Sure. What is it?
I've got full- blown scurvy.
"I'm really sorry, Josh, but..."
No. Too high school.
"Je suis tres desole, monsieur Josh, mais... "
No. Too French.
Hey, Sabrina.
I've reserved a special carrel
at the library tonight.
I promise there will be
all the water-cooler water you can drink,
and I plan to bring gum.
Listen, Josh...
No, no, okay, okay.
Serious time here.
I'm here on a scholarship,
and if I don't keep my grades up, it's gone.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is,
are you sure you don't mind?
Please. Like I have anywhere else to be.
Sabrina, guess what?
Strep throat is running wild through the football team.
Oh, boy.
So many of the guys are sick,
there's a very real possibility that I might get to play.
Tonight? Listen, Harvey...
How lucky is that?
I might actually get into a game before I graduate,
and my best girl will get to see it.
Yeah. How lucky is that?
I got to go see how many of the cultures came back positive.
Help.
Okay, so we have a plan.
If Harvey gets in the game, you'll witch-page me,
and I'll zap back from studying with Josh.
Any questions? Yes.
What's a witch-pager? This.
All you have to do is think "Sabrina," pull on your ear
and it'll let me know you want me. Try it.
(giggling)
Good. Now, don't use it frivolously,
because I'm very ticklish, and it's on vibrate.
Any other questions?
Yes. What's football?
I can't believe the library's closed for painting.
I'm sorry, certain places should always be open,
like hospitals and Denny's.
Well, we can always study in here.
It's warm, and... it's warm.
(classical music playing)
Ooh, it smells wonderful in here.
Yes, like steak or prime rib or...
We aren't missing a mailman, are we?
(laughing)
We've been slaving over a hot oven all day.
We assumed you'd want your meat cooked.
You assumed correctly.
Told you.
Lucky guess.
Oh, my.
For tonight's dinner,
we will start off with a hardtack salad
with barrel ale dressing,
followed by braised seagull with the head.
After that... I'm sorry.
I don't know the politically correct words to say this,
but, um, do you have anything that's a little less...
pirate-y?
For dessert we've a lovely crème brûlée.
That sounds wonderful.
Is it homemade?
I don't know.
I'll go untie your neighbor and ask.
Remember...
baby steps.
(crowd cheering)
Excuse me.
If a person's sitting on the bench down there,
he's not in the game, right?
Excuse me.
I'd say we're done here.
Oh, yes. Now is there anything else
I should know about Great Expectations?
Only that I have them
and am consequently always disappointed.
(tapping on window)
Oh, hey, look who's here.
Come on in. Come on. Huh.
Hey.
Uh, everyone, this is Sabrina.
Sabrina, this is everyone.
Good. I've always wanted to meet "everyone."
(laughing)
So where are you guys headed?
We're going back to the apartment
for Chinese food, but we could stop and share.
Well, I know it's kind of late, but would you like...? Food!
Oh, good timing.
(screaming happily)
I'm sorry. I thought we did something good.
SABRINA: This is so fun.
At home we have to eat Chinese food off of dishes.
If you like this,
you'd love my dorm mac and cheese.
I pour water into the box, shake and eat.
Or plateless tuna salad--
bite of tuna, lick of mayonnaise, bite of bread.
Or grilled cheese made with an iron.
Or pancakes grilled on a heating pad.
Nah, I've never tried it either.
I was just wondering if you had.
All right, he's in.
We have to wait to find out
if he'll ever come out of the coma.
(laughing)
(sobbing)
Excuse me.
Go Harvey.
Sabrina, she was talking about a soap opera.
Sabrina?
Good. You're here.
Harvey just stood up, and any minute he'll be...
Done with his water?
Sorry.
I'll be more careful.
That's okay. At least no one had time to miss me.
Sabrina?
Lose something?
No, but I found something.
A pineapple?
A perfectly good pineapple.
You know, people throw away the darndest things.
Stupid nerves.
Mm...
That was delicious.
I don't know how to thank you.
You can start by taking your elbows off the table.
Quite rude.
I'll drink to that.
No!
That's your finger bowl.
I could have told you that, Hilda.
And could you please not speak with your mouth full?
This will wash it down.
(sighs)
Baby steps.
Getting up...
...walking...
(gasping)
He's on the field.
When did Dickens die?
In 1870 of a stroke.
(laughing)
I think Dickens would have us laugh
in the face of death.
Anyone with me?
Bathroom.
All right, this is it.
He's on the field.
He's chasing his gum wrapper.
He got it. Bye.
Whew! I would've been out sooner, but, uh,
this was clogging up the sink.
Another pineapple?
Yeah, maybe they're on sale someplace.
(laughing)
"On sale," that's a good one.
I'll be right back.
Anyone need anything from the bathroom?
I like her.
I'm sorry. I thought for sure that he...
that's it. I'm turning this thing off.
There's only two minutes left in the game.
Harvey won't be playing.
And if I leave for the bathroom one more time,
I go from being quirky to sad.
ANNOUNCER: And halfback Jonathan Shapiro is out of the game.
Taking his place will be Harvey Kinkle.
Yay!
Boo!
Sabrina?
No fruit?
I was in the bathroom.
Why would I have fruit?
You've obviously had too much moo goo.
Come on, I'm walking you home.
There's a long pass and Kinkle catches it!
Kinkle straight into the end zone!
And Harvey Kinkle saves the day!
Oh! He's turned this from a humiliating loss
into a... slightly less humiliating loss.
I got to get to my girl.
Please let this work.
MAN: Hey, Harvey!
Uh-oh.
No glue.
Hey, where did Sabrina go?
She had to go home.
She's sick. Yeah.
Must've come up fast.
Yes.
I'd better go see if she's okay.
N-n...
This coffee is wonderful.
Amen.
Oh, and the decorative doily enhances it so.
Presentation, presentation, presentation.
Gentlemen, we have good news.
You're permanently hired.
So that means no prison.
Yo ho ho!
Listen, we've talked it over...
Aye.
Aye, we have.
And we've decided that with all of our skills,
we need to work for people who have taste and breeding.
Someone classy.
Yeah, so...
thanks, but no thanks.
Yeah.
No, please, don't get up...
not that you would.
We'll show ourselves out.
I don't think I've ever been fired
by an employee before.
I'll never trust a man wearing a bandanna again.
But it is good coffee.
Huh? A goat?
Yes. If everyone would just buy a goat,
we could eliminate leaf-blowers
and help stop global warming.
Thanks for helping me study.
You're welcome, and maybe someday
you can admit I'm right about the goat thing.
(laughs)
HARVEY: You don't look sick to me.
Harvey, wait.
I'm sorry, but we have never seen
such a poorly managed household.
Lord knows we've tried,
but I don't think there's any hope
for you people. None.
Never have we encountered a family
with such a stunning lack of decorum--
dogs running wild,
your children quite unruly.
And I won't even touch the subject of your teeth.
Ugh! Ugh!
We quit.
Gentlemen?
QUEEN: I don't believe I've ever been fired
by an employee before.