Good morning to all creatures
great and... small.
You're in a frothy mood.
Yeah, well, Harvey promised me
a romantic surprise for this weekend.
Ooh.
Another heart-shaped corn dog?
Hey, that was good.
When he says romantic, does he mean Brad-free?
Yep, just me, my guy and no witch hunter.
And if dinner comes on a stick, it's fine with me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, enough chick talk.
Sabrina, as man of the house, I insist
you let me spend the weekend
watching rootin' tootin' Westerns on your TV.
Once again, Salem, your approach
is as pathetic as it is appalling,
but here's how good a mood I'm in.
(gasps)
(Western movie playing) Yes! Cowpokes, cattle,
manly men in mortal combat with even manlier men!
Oh... these pillows are so cuddly soft.
(chuckling)
¶ ¶
¶ Secrets ¶
¶ You're never gonna know ¶
¶ You're never gonna get it ¶
¶ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ¶
¶ Secrets, secrets ¶
¶ Secrets. ¶
¶ ¶
Hey. Ready for your romantic surprise?
Reassure me that it doesn't suddenly involve Brad.
Only indirectly.
Oh, but you promised it was just going
to be us this weekend.
Brad's lending me his skis.
But you... Skis?
As in, we're going skiing?
One of my dad's extermination customers
owns a mountain cabin.
He's giving it to us for the weekend.
I never knew pest control
could lead to such romance.
Mm. Powdery slopes, warm firesides, whispering pines
and, of course, my mom and dad.
Of course.
But we can drive up together tomorrow after school,
just the two of us.
My folks are going up tonight,
so my dad can kill the roaches.
So we don't even have to drive in the back
of the station wagon with the dog smell?
This is by far the most romantic idea you've ever had.
Thank you.
Hot coffee!
What happened?
Wow, lively floorboard.
Did you see that?
No, no, no, no. Sabrina--
she did something.
She's all the way across the room.
Of all the coffeehouses
in all the towns in all the world,
that witch hunter has to walk into mine.
Hey, good news. You don't have
to loiter nervously in the hallway
making small talk with my aunts
because I am entirely ready.
Great.
There was one tiny problem, but it's already solved.
Hey.
Brad?
He's just going to drive us up to the mountains,
then turn around and drive all the way back.
Is that a friend or what?
I'll get your stuff.
It's better
than not going, right?
Okay, look.
I got a date with Susan McCormick tonight
and her curfew is 10:30, so if we leave right now
I can get back in time for a good, solid, 20-minute date.
You know what?
I'm not as ready as I thought I was.
I'll be right back.
Ten-minute date.
I'm going to be in the car with Brad
for over two hours!
What if I use my magic?
What if you don't?
What if I point without thinking,
like I did at the coffeehouse the other day?
I mean, all Brad has to do is look at me
and say, "You're a witch"
and I get turned into a mouse for a hundred years!
Aunt Zelda, Aunt Hilda, I think I'm lost!
(hawk screeching)
(mouse shrieking)
Don't panic.
Oh, I'm way past panic and looking
for a parking space near terror.
Since Brad's witch-hunter gene
is affected by atmospheric conditions,
I suggest we consult
the Witch Weather Channel.
(gunfire, horses neighing)
SALEM: Hey!
Let's see, factoring in high and low pressure systems,
the magnetic influence of the asteroid belt
and the pollen count,
unless things shift drastically, Brad's witch-hunting gene
won't be active for the next 72 hours.
And it looks like a good weekend to plant bulbs.
We interrupt this pabulum to return
to the Howard Hawkes classic, Rio Bravo. ( remote control clicks )
I'm sure it's safe for you to ride with Brad
and even safe for you to use your magic.
Just be careful.
But, as an extra safety precaution,
take Salem with you.
Salem? Salem?
Oh, throw the witch hunter off with a talking cat?
Well, it's hard to believe,
but Salem was an experienced witch for many years.
And as a cat, he's particularly sensitive
to subtle changes in the atmosphere.
And we get rid of him for the whole weekend.
But I haven't seen Angie Dickinson yet.
You're bringing your cat?
Uh, yeah. Allergies.
He needs mountain air.
Ahem. His poor lungs--
clogged with pollution.
Date with Susan McCormick.
Let's move it.
Wear your seat belts.
Observe all posted traffic signs.
And watch for ice
and don't pass on mountain roads.
Have fun?
Well, that's implied.
You know, Hilda?
Brad's witch-hunting gene has set me thinking.
What if Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune were all to align
within the ninth parallel of the seventh quadrant,
and we lose all our powers?
That happens once a millennium.
Yes, but what if it happened?
And then there was a flood?
We have no idea how
to survive a natural disaster without magic.
I can't even make an English muffin without magic.
Precisely, which is why I think we should prepare now
before a disaster occurs.
It's like the story of the ant and the grasshopper.
Oh, I don't know that story.
Of course you know that story.
There was this hardworking ant
and this lazy, lazy grasshopper
and winter was coming.
I lied and I left,
and it still didn't stop her.
Nobody's saying anything.
Guys just don't say much
when they ride in cars together.
Why?
Are you going to talk
the whole way?
Better than not going.
Radio's busted.
Oh, well, maybe I can fix it.
Unless there's some changing atmospheric conditions
that would make it unsafe
to fix the radio?
Here goes nothing.
(music plays)
Nice!
How'd you do that? I'm sorry.
I don't talk in cars.
Now that you got that working,
I can listen to my favorite show.
Sox Talk. And nothing but.
SPORTS ANNOUNCER: Prepare for another great Red Sox season...
I've grown accustomed to the couch, but this
may be interesting.
I'm practicing
in case we're ever caught somewhere without our magic,
and we have to construct our own shelter.
Where'd you get the tent?
I zapped it in.
The stores were closed,
but we're going to pitch it ourselves.
No, you're going to pitch it.
I'm going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea
and wait for you to recover from your episode.
I can see my own breath in here.
Can we turn on the heat?
Heater's busted.
Maybe Sabrina can fix it.
She fixed your radio.
( Salem snoring )
Huh, huh? Meow!
Hey! What are those sparks?!
Uh, static electricity?
No way! It came out of your finger!
Hey, Brad, look out!
(screaming)
(wind whistling)
Is everybody okay?
Yeah, well, I didn't hear a voice say,
"Go into the light, Sabrina," so I guess I'm fine.
(starter cranking)
Let's go see what's wrong.
Did you see that?
You did something with your finger.
Oh, so now I can't pick my nose or talk?
What happened?
According to my bum knee,
there was an atmospheric shift.
The witch-hunter gene is active.
You never should have tried magic.
But you were supposed to warn me.
I was supposed to be in the middle
of Stagecoach right now!
Hey, who are you arguing with?
Uh, the radio.
I think the Red Sox will win the pennant.
You didn't even try to help me.
I'm leaving that to your therapist.
Oh, come on, you'll love what I've done with the place.
Oh, well, this is kind of cozy.
I wonder what it's like
with the door closed all the way.
A body bag.
If you don't like my lifesaving tent, you can leave.
The zipper's stuck.
You can't do anything for yourself.
Oh, I'll just zap it open.
No, we can figure it out.
Oh, I see. The scientific approach.
(Salem sobbing)
Is that cat crying?
No, that's its meow.
I got it at a really cheap pet store.
Zap in a magic compass
or a helicopter
or at least warm socks.
I can't do magic.
I could be turned into a mouse.
Then we're going to die.
Hey, look. A fire tower!
There's got to be a forest ranger up there
or at least a phone.
This looks kind of old.
Well, if you big, strong men are scared,
I'll just go up by myself.
I'm not scared.
Me, either.
(wolves howling)
Great.
It's abandoned.
Not necessarily.
Maybe the ranger's just a terrible housekeeper.
Uh, I have to go down. I forgot something.
What? I forgot I'm afraid of heights.
(screaming)
(grunting)
Okay, okay. We're trapped, and we're way off the ground.
Hang in there, man.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
(Salem sobbing)
What was that? (feigns crying): Me-e-e-e-e...
but I'll pull myself together.
(groans)
I know.
ZELDA: Let's go to the kitchen and get a knife
and cut ourselves out.
HILDA: I'll wait here.
No. Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow.
(doorbell chiming)
ZELDA: No, oh, oh, for heaven's sakes.
Oh! Concentrate.
I'll just zap it.
Oh! (chiming continues)
See? You needed magic, didn't you!
Oh, pipe down.
Not you.
Depending, of course, on who you are.
Perhaps you need to pipe down.
(cackles)
Who are you?
Frank Alcerro. Brad's father.
I've called five times, but there was no answer.
What's with the tent?
We were, uh, practicing our survival techniques.
We had no idea
what a hostile environment
our living room could be.
Try the Mekong Delta.
I've heard about this house.
People say a lot of weird things go on here.
I think what you heard
is "weird people say things go on here."
Um, what can we do for you, Mr. Alcerro?
We got a call from the Kinkles.
The kids are late getting to the cabin. Oh, dear.
I'm sure it's fine.
We called the sheriff.
No deaths reported.
Hooray.
He's going to keep an eye out.
Don't think you need to worry.
You got any coffee?
Uh, sure.
Um, black?
And real.
I don't go for that wimpy, decaf stuff.
Same here.
The hard stuff for me, out of a dirty mug.
Excuse us.
I'll just zap myself to Sabrina, and make sure she's okay.
Ow!
Hilda, that is Brad's father out there.
Brad is a witch hunter.
That means his father probably has
the witch-hunting gene.
He's already suspicious of us.
Perhaps because we're camping next to our piano.
The weather must have changed.
We can't risk doing magic or...
HILDA: Maybe you're right about him being a witch-hunter.
ZELDA: You think?
(hawk screeching)
(mice shrieking)
So what are we supposed to do?
Just stand around and worry like ordinary mortals?
That blows.
Help! Help! Help!
It's no use.
There's no one around.
It's getting colder.
We should have stayed in the truck.
At least it's got a heater and a radio.
Thanks to me.
For the record, how long did those soccer players
have to stay in the Andes before they started eating each other?
SALEM: No heat, no blankets--
we'll freeze to death.
Oh, why didn't I eat more NutRageous Bars
when I had the chance?
(sobbing)
(blows nose)
Bloody nose. Must be the high altitude.
HARVEY: Hey, look.
Maybe we can call
for help on this.
(clicking switches)
Great. It's busted.
Hey, maybe Sabrina can fix it.
She fixed the radio in your car.
Come on, you're our only hope.
Great.
I get to disappoint everyone, then die.
(phone beeps)
Please help yourself to our phone.
I just talked to Kinkle again.
No sign of the kids.
I think I'll drive up there.
I don't like to just sit around and wait for trouble to happen.
What a refreshing attitude.
Besides, this old dump gives me the creeps.
And it seems to attract them.
Mr. Alcerro, please wait.
Let him go, and when he's gone,
we'll zap ourselves to Sabrina.
But what if we materialize right next to Brad?
He'd identify us as witches
and we'd all be turned into mice.
Bad plan.
Sabrina is all alone up there with a witch hunter,
and another one is on the way.
We've got to go up there to protect her.
Mr. Alcerro, we're going with you.
Bring some gas money.
I'll stay here and fold up the tent.
Oh, well, I thought you two wanted to be alone together.
Try sparking those two wires together.
Well, then the whole thing will be on fire.
And we'd be warm!
Hey, any luck?
Brad thinks one of his toes feels frostbitten.
Oh, and I suppose that's my fault, too?
I'm not interested in whose fault this is.
Although if you want to get technical,
it was your idea to climb up here.
It wasn't my idea to go skiing
and it wasn't my stupid car that wouldn't start.
Again, not interested in blaming anyone.
My paw has turned black!
Your paw's always black.
Duh!
I can't get this stupid thing to work.
(radio static crackles)
It's working!
Huh, and they say violence never solves anything.
Relax, ladies.
I'm ready for anything in this baby.
Well, that's good to hear.
You know, I've been trying to impress upon my sister
the importance of being prepared for disaster.
I've got enough food to last four months in this rig.
Oh, great.
So if we get hit by an asteroid right now,
we die with enough powdered milk to last until April.
(static crackling)
Hello. Is anybody there?
BOY: Hello?
Hey, we got someone!
See? She's not going to get us killed.
We're stuck in an abandoned fire tower,
and we need to talk to your mother or your father
or your step-parents, depending on your family situation.
I'm not supposed to play with this radio.
If I do, my dad yells.
But this is an emergency!
We're stuck, we're freezing, and we can't get down!
You're yelling at me!
Over and out!
(fizzling)
Don't yell at me.
Why are we stopping?
Did we get a flat in our giant tires?
Snow. Have to put the chains on.
Oh, well, can you leave the heater on, please,
while you go out there? Yeah.
I got a cracked vertebra.
Either you two put them on, or we turn back.
Oh, good.
Since we can't use our magic,
this will be an excellent learning experience.
Just so you know,
I'm not getting you anything for your birthday.
(wind whistling)
My lungs have never been cold before.
I think we should share the cat.
No! No!
Uh, he has issues with men.
You know, you could be a little nicer to Brad.
After all, it's not his fault we're up here.
Wish I had never agreed to this stupid trip.
I wish I'd never asked you on this stupid trip.
You know, this is definitely not better than not going.
Oh!
We're going down.
Ah! Ah!
We did it!
I feel such a sense of accomplishment.
We're empowered now, Hilda.
We'll never be stuck in the snow again.
Okay. Fire her up!
Oh!
And nothing for Christmas.
Don't move!
I'm sorry we had a fight.
I am, too.
If I have to fall to an untimely death
in the middle of nowhere,
I'd rather do it with you than anyone else.
Except maybe a paramedic.
Salem, freeze!
Wow, that's a well-trained cat.
All right, you've made it clear that you don't want to stop,
but do you think that we could use
one of your 200 rolls of toilet paper to dry off with?
Nope. Don't want to break the seal.
(shrieks)
You can catch more flies with honey
than with vinegar.
Do you have a rag we could use?
Sure.
Thank you so very much.
Imagine the flies you can catch with that rag.
(loud creaking)
Oh, no!
What am I going to do?
I can't cast a spell.
I'll be turned into a mouse for a hundred years.
This is it.
We're going over.
That's it.
I gotta save you guys.
I don't care what happens to me.
I promise, while you're a mouse, I won't eat you.
(screaming)
(yelling)
(grunting) (grunting)
Is everyone okay?
Fine.
Wow, the snow must have broken our fall.
But we fell 50 feet.
How can we all be fine?
Clean living?
No, no, no, no.
This is all too weird.
First she fixed my radio without even using any tools,
and then when she fixed my heater,
I swear I saw sparks fly out of her finger.
Oh, and you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
And I swear that darn cat of hers was talking.
And then the whole tower blows over,
and we come out of it without a scratch?
It was kind of like a miracle.
Well, then we should all bow our heads and give thanks.
It wasn't a miracle.
It was like... like magic.
Like Sabrina has some sort of magical powers.
Talk about overreacting to your little brush with death, huh?
So, you're not Sabrina's mother, you're her aunt, huh?
That's right. Yeah, I know how that can be.
I'm Brad's stepfather, but I raised him from a baby.
Stepfather?
You're not Brad's biological father?
That's wonderful.
Hey, I am capable of being a biological father.
Oh, oh, of course.
(whispering): So he doesn't have the witch-hunter gene...
So we can use magic to save Sabrina.
I know what you are!
Sabrina Spellman, you are a...
What's that light?
HARVEY: It's the moon.
I guess the weather's clearing up.
What was I about to say?
Look. Headlights!
Somebody's here. We're saved.
It's your dad! Sabrina's aunts!
Wait, it's like the moonlight wiped out my memory.
What was I about to say? I can't remember.
I know the feeling.
Don't worry. You'll get over it.
I always do.
Hey, over here.
That was close.
You know, you save a guy's life, and he turns on you.
Glad we screwed up his date.
So you changed the weather,
and that turned off the witch-hunter gene?
Yes, we used our magic to save you.
But we were able to help
because we took the precaution of coming up here.
But we used our magic.
But we prepared for disaster.
Can I say something?
Thank you for rescuing me.
Oh, you're welcome, sweetheart.
We'd do anything for you, Sabrina. You know that.
May I say something?
I want my Westerns.
Oh, yes!
TV ANNOUNCER: That concludes our Western marathon.
(gasps) Please stay tuned for classic romance.
(sobbing)
First up, The Other Side of the Mountain.
Oh, Marilyn Hassett alert.
I know you and Brad don't get along too well,
but you have to admit, it was pretty cool of him
to drive home with his dad and your aunts
and let us have his truck.
And now we can have the romantic weekend we were hoping for.
With my mom and dad.
Hey, it's better than not going.
Now, if I could just find the turnoff for the cabin
on this dark road.
Oh, hey, look.
Brad has a satellite navigation system.
We take the next left.
Wow. I cannot believe he forgot he had that.
Yeah, well, you know, Harvey, I have to tell you the truth.
Brad is weird.