How about a neurosurgeon?
No, thanks. I'm in a toast mood.
Salem's filling out a questionnaire
for his high school reunion.
Apparently, it's a work of fiction.
"I perform lobotomies in the off-season
when I'm not playing free safety for the Dallas Cowboys."
You left out the part
where you sit around and scratch your butt.
This reunion's going to be great--
seeing all my old cronies,
pretending I know about the brain.
How are you going to explain the fact
that you now have four legs, pointy ears,
and a furry belly, Mr. Convicted Felon?
I got it all figured out.
No one will care that I slipped up playing the morality game
as long as I walk into that reunion
with a gorgeous trophy on my arm.
Allow me.
(groaning)
(weakly): I meant Susan Anton.
¶ ¶
¶ Secrets ¶
¶ You're never gonna know ¶
¶ You're never gonna get it ¶
¶ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ¶
¶ Secrets, secrets ¶
¶ Secrets. ¶
¶ ¶
So it's my first issue as newspaper editor,
so I need a lead story that's explosive,
that's exclusive,
something that's front-page material.
Well, I'm willing to give you
an inside scoop on the football team.
I made the first string
of people who are up for the first string.
Congratulations, but what I really need is a war.
(bells tinkling)
Hey, what are you doing?
I did a "kiss me" spell.
It's a fast and easy way to make mortal friends.
Yeah, if you want to be called fast and easy.
Ms. Editor, have we got
a headline yet?
(bells tinkling)
Ooh!
Oh, my...
A public display of affection,
although never practiced in my family, is healthy.
Tell no one.
See, in the Mortal Realm,
making friends takes time.
DREAMA: That girl's got lots of friends.
Ah, Miss Spellman...
Miss, uh, new girl.
Loitering in the hallway.
Loitering next to Miss Spellman.
You know, I should get these detention slips printed up
with your letterhead.
A Mont Blanc pen?
Where'd you get that?
At the "None of your business" store.
(engine revving)
(music playing on radio)
I'm cruisin' to find a date for the reunion.
The babes love a sports car.
They particularly like one they can fit in.
You know nothing about women.
I don't get it.
My doctor says I'm anemic,
but I've been eating all this red meat.
It's more like blue-gray meat.
Is it just me or has the cafeteria food
gotten worse this year?
(student vomiting)
It's not just you.
So what do you think about this for my front page?
It's completely blank except for the headline, which reads,
"No news is good news."
Of course, if you decide to go
with the me maybe making first string story,
I'll be available for photos.
I'll have my people call your people.
Should meat sweat like that?
Dreama, what happened?
I'm not really hurt,
but look at all the friends I've got,
and I might even get handicapped parking.
Dreama, there's more to life
than getting into 7-Eleven before everyone else.
Sorry, I should have zapped in a pillow.
Wow, nice running shoes...
and pricey.
Mm-hmm.
The better to chase you with, my dear.
No gum-chewing.
Heel-toe, heel-toe, heel-toe, heel-toe.
(door closing)
What does this look like to you?
Um... drain clog?
Ooh, bad toupee?
This is what Harvey was eating for lunch today.
You're never having dinner at the Kinkles' again.
Come on, we've got to get to our Witch Watch Workshop. Weady?
We just found out from the Witches' Council
that we have to be trained and licensed
to run the clock shop.
Oh... good luck.
And try not to come home while I'm throwing my huge party.
Very funny.
While we're gone, will you keep an eye on Salem?
Why? He's a grown... cat.
Well, he's having trouble
finding a date for this reunion,
and I think it's depressing him.
¶ Nah-nah... ¶ Salem, are you okay?
I was fine
until you stepped on my nah-nahs.
I have six dates for tonight.
Driving the prison van does not constitute a date.
No, I put an ad in the Other Realm personals.
I'm meeting six ladies and I have to decide
which one is going to be Salem's arm candy for the reunion.
(grunts)
Aah!
Guh!
Ahh!
(groans in pain)
Ooh!
(quizzical grunt)
We didn't have any iced tea.
Is that a purse?
It's European.
Get some culture.
Mrs. Quick, I've got a story for the front page.
I'm all ears, Sabrina.
Day after day, I watch my boyfriend eat massive quantities
of so-called red meat from the cafeteria.
I know you're young and in love,
but give me a headline I can use.
"Cafeteria-gate."
I suspect there's no ham in the burger,
no meat in the loaf, and no sloppy in the joe.
Well, you know what I mean.
A meat scandal. Perfect.
We'll blow the lid off this school...
right after the pep rally.
Just as I suspected-- there is no meat
in this Salisbury steak,
but there is a family of paramecia
and even they're gagging.
Can I have my lunch back?
Sabrina, remember how you were looking
for the perfect lead to break your lunchroom story?
Yeah? I've got it, baby!
Walk, don't run.
Ooh, I can see the headlines now: "Kraft gets chair."
Open your eyes, girl.
He's only a civil servant, and there ain't no budget
for a Chippendale settee.
So if the school money isn't going to buy meat,
then it must be going to...
Mr. Kraft.
Be my friend.
I have a pool.
Salem!
I'm checking on you like I promised my aunts.
"Forget my name.
"I've joined the French foreign legion.
Love, Salem"?
(sobbing)
(sobbing continues)
I over-packed my pack.
I'm really busy at school,
so if you're going to run off to Algeria,
wait until my aunts come home.
I can't find a date for the reunion.
So? You'll go stag.
I'm sure you can pick up
some neglected wife at the bar.
You can't cheer me up, Sabrina.
There's... something you don't know.
I wasn't always the stud muffin I am today.
(whimpering): I was a high school nerd.
Do the... (imitates flashback sound)
and I'll tell you all about it.
(flashback music)
(Salem sobbing)
Billy Luto, you let me down.
¶ Salem is a weenie ¶
¶ We hung him by his... ¶
¶ Heenie! ¶
BOYS: ¶ Salem is a weenie ¶
¶ We hung him by his... ¶
No...!
(sobbing): The flashbacks!
Wow. For the first time, you seem so vulnerable.
I so wanted to go back to school a winner.
But, Salem, you are a winner.
You've got...
Well, there's...
What about...?
Okay, you know what, Salem?
I promise, I will find you a date for the reunion.
A trophy date.
Sometimes it's hard to make new friends.
Maybe you have an ex-girlfriend
you want to take with you to the reunion.
Great idea. I had a million of them.
Oh, yeah.
That's why your little black book
is practically the size of the new York phone book.
Let's see, what about, uh, Sarah Philips?
I'd love to go with her.
She was always so sweet, so warm, so nurturing...
(thunder and lightning)
So desperate for commitment.
Not-not to be picky, but how about someone
for whom dating doesn't constitute adultery?
Well, I don't know how to make out her last name,
but... what about... Hallie?
Yeah. She was drop-dead gorgeous.
I wonder why we ever broke up?
(thunder and lightning)
Hey, Salem.
(gagging)
Now I remember.
Hallie Tosis.
(choking and gagging)
Her breath could start the windmill
on an old Dutch painting.
That's the only other name in here except for... Mom.
Uh... ink fades.
Well, I really have to get back to school
and crack the Mr. Kraft case.
Because Salem needs a date really fast
send him someone he truly loved from the past.
(thunder and lightning)
From your Harold and Maude phase?
Oh, don't be sick.
She's a lady who was handing out fish yesterday.
I'll find you a date
as soon as I get back from school.
Got any trout on you?
Oh, I'm so glad
we got into Father Time's workshop.
It's supposed to be very intellectual.
I know, I know, he's going to teach us to "be the clock."
Trust me, you'll be glad you stuck it out.
(bell tolls)
Oh, yeah, I'm really glad we stuck it out.
There's got to be some proof he's funneling the money.
Yeah, some kind of an invoice
or a phone message or a pacifier...
Oh, the horror!
Hey! What are you doing?
Mr. Kraft!
We just wanted to show you Mrs. Quick's new camera.
Show him, Mrs. Quick.
Okay, well, we'll see you on the way down.
I mean... later.
Hey, Sabrina.
I read that pets are the best way to meet people.
I love your kitty.
It's working.
(bell ringing)
Okay, where's my 50 bucks?
She talks?
And if you want her to stop,
it's 50 bucks.
I'm sorry. She was supposed
to keep her furry mouth shut.
She only thinks about herself.
Really, that self-centered?
Is she single?
You want to set me up with this pinhead?
Somebody's cranky 'cause they got
hit in the face with a frying pan.
Oh, I must have entered a wit-free zone.
What a disaster.
What a woman!
You graduated from Other Realm High
the year before me?
Wait a minute.
Juliette Jingleheimer?
The prom queen?
In person... so to speak.
Salem, why don't you tell Juliette
about some of your... hobbies?
Psst, psst!
I can strut my own stuff.
I like fish.
So, are you working on the homework I assigned you?
Yup. The "Kraft true confessions potion" is brewing.
Great. Now, tomorrow you'll slip him the Mickey,
and then he'll confess the whole thing and I'll have my story.
And there's no way we could get arrested for this?
There's no way I could be arrested for this.
Come on Juliette, we have to get home.
Wait!
Uh, Juliette, I know
we haven't known each other very long,
and, I, uh... how do I, uh...?
I was wondering if I...
Would you come with me to my reunion?
Why not?
Bye.
Glory be! I have a date, and not just any date.
She's the coolest gal from Other Realm High.
And you owe it all to me.
Exactly, and that's why I'm going to warn you
that I'm about to sing "Lady."
(laughing)
So you gave Mr. Kraft the potion?
Yes. I slipped it in his V8 juice.
Great. So he's ready to confess
and he's met his daily vegetable requirement.
Here he is. Let's get him.
Uh, Mr. Kraft...
is there anything you'd like to confess
about the meat in the cafeteria?
(whinnying)
Oh, pardon me.
Let me guess.
You put the confession potion together in one big horse pill?
How'd you know?
(bell ringing)
Go make some more friends.
Sabrina, good news.
I've been contacted by a secret informant.
This person works in the cafeteria
and goes by the name of "sore throat."
That's great. When and where can we meet him?
Tonight in the cafeteria.
Mr. Kraft will rue the day he ever-- did the bell ring?
About ten seconds ago.
Oh, shoot.
Salem, what are you holding?
And it better not be another subpoena.
It's a letter from my lady-- Juliette.
She's crazy about me.
"Salem, remember to get my kidney pate."
Well, I guess for a cat that's romantic.
It's not what she said
but that she took the time to say it.
Man, you got it bad.
Behold the manifestation
of my affection.
"S.S. plus J...
squiggly line"?
My affection is endless,
(whimpering): but my nails are not.
Hello, honey.
Is there any particular reason
you two are dressed like the Ricola man?
Oh, dear Lord, we were in such a hurry to get out of there
we left on our lederhosen.
They're deceptively comfortable.
(Salem giggling)
Oh, a corsage?
Anything for my dear Juliette.
Ciao, bella.
This kitten is smitten.
I found Salem a date for the reunion.
Way to go, honey.
You didn't pay anyone, did you?
Hey, she can spend her allowance any way that she likes.
Let's get this business license in the toaster.
(ticking)
What's that?
We spent the day in a clock
and we developed a low-grade tick.
Okay, I'm just going to nod
and pretend to understand.
Okay, close your eyes.
Thanks, Sabrina.
Wait till that rotten Billy Luto sees me walk into that reunion
with the prom queen on my arm.
Juliette, mi amour.
Open up.
Mmm, yum, yum.
So, just out of curiosity, why was Juliette turned into a cat?
I only tried to take over the world.
She tried to take over the universe.
Man, is she hot.
(thunder and lightning)
Mr. Saberhagen,
your limo awaits
and, yes, you have to tip.
You should know I plan to play the radio very loud.
Thanks for bringing me Juliette.
I'm in love.
(thunder and lightning)
They grow up so fast.
Sabrina, I'm glad I found you.
Sore throat postponed.
Apparently, he has a... sore throat.
Dang. Done in by irony.
I got to go-- he asked me to leave some lozenges
in a brown paper bag on a bench in the park.
Hey, Dreama, what are you doing here?
I joined a club,
but it's only full of parents and teachers.
Yeah, the PTA's funny that way.
So was Juliette excited about going to the reunion?
Oh, yeah. She said she can't wait to run into this guy
that she had a huge crush on in high school.
So she didn't go because she likes Salem?
She likes that he's giving her a ride.
Poor Salem.
So basically, the girl you picked for Salem
is just using him.
That's one way to put it.
Why didn't you tell me Juliette was so awful?
You met her.
All right, let's not overreact.
Salem will survive.
He'll see the potato bar, and all will be well.
Sure, he's thought he was in love before
and not just with himself.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
I'm calling from Other Realm Vegas
about Mr. Saberhagen's wedding.
No!
Salem's going to propose to Juliette.
Okay, no matter what food they serve there, I think he's going to be crushed.
Poor Salem, he's going to humiliate himself more than usual.
Well, we've got to stop him.
But if we don't get there in time,
I think we should all blame Dreama.
(ticking)
What's going on?
Security.
What's that ticking?
Her.
Look, either you're strapped
with some kind of explosive device
or you're just ticked off.
Either way, I can't let you through.
It's not like we're flying to Israel.
Well, you two go. Salem can't wait.
(thunder and lightning)
I'm guessing a hijacking joke
wouldn't be funny to you.
(dance music playing)
Wow.
Is that Becky Barnes?
She's lost a lot of weight.
That jerk... he's not coming.
Oh, are you looking for the waiter?
I'll get him.
Uh, no, thanks.
If I need something, I'll make you get it.
I love your fire.
Juliette, there's something I've been dying to ask you.
(clearing throat)
I feel when life hands you something wonderful
you should grab it.
Hey, you're not going to touch me, are you?
Okay, here it goes.
Juliette, will you...?
Salem, there you are. I thought I might find you here.
We need to talk.
Let me start. Go away.
Come on, Juliette.
You have cat litter on your back paws.
Oh, white fur shows everything.
Sabrina, this night rocks.
We sipped champagne in the limo.
Salem, there's something I need to tell you.
We tangoed cheek to cheek.
This may be hard to say, but...
Cats can tango? Wait a minute.
Salem, Juliette only came with you
so she could see some other guy.
Her brother?
So if there was a question you were going to... pop,
you might want to save it for another girl.
I only have one question.
How could I be so stupid?
Oh...
Come on, Salem, let me take you home.
We can stop by the potato bar.
Real bacon bits might help me forget.
Salem Saberhagen.
Yeah? Billy Luto.
Well, look who's doing time in a kitty suit.
Did world domination plans fall through?
(laughing)
(groaning) Do you want me
to level the playing field and turn him into a mouse?
A very slow mouse?
Thanks, but I can defend myself.
I'm not the high school nerd
I used to be.
Nice tux.
Stop it!
So what have I been up to?
Well, I'm rich, I'm married,
and my bathroom is not in the kitchen.
I mean it, quit.
Boy, I haven't given a wedgie in decades.
Huh?
I hope you're wearing little BVDs
under that cummerbund.
Hey, leave him alone!
At least Salem had real dreams. Huh?
Sure, they were bereft of ethics
or even a real plan, but he had the guts to try.
This cat is more of a man
than you'll ever be.
You're nothing but a big bully, Bully Luto.
Juliette...
Cute couple.
Maybe you'd like a wedgie built for two?
Okay, I'm done being brave.
Sabrina!
Look who's hanging by their heenie now.
(chuckling)
Thank you, Juliette.
I knew you loved me.
Love you? I don't love you.
I just can't stand him.
I liked him all junior year-- nothing.
And unrequited love makes me cranky.
Come on, you liked me just a little.
I wish I could roll my eyes.
Well, you liked me better than him.
I like a canker sore better than him.
Yes!
Wow, apparently these work
in the Other Realm.
(dance music playing)
(crickets chirping)
Thanks for meeting us here, sore throat.
Do you want to come closer?
No. I'm a little nervous about this whole thing.
Don't be. This is completely confidential,
except for what we publish in the paper.
Yeah, so just relax and tell us everything you know
and, remember, it's for the good of the school.
All right.
I keep seeing strange things.
This girl is wearing one outfit,
then suddenly, she's wearing a different outfit.
Okay, well, I think we got everything we need.
The same girl is on crutches
and the crutches disappear.
There's a talking cat,
and, um...
I can't take it anymore.
Do you know what this means?
Yup, no corroboration, no story.
No, this is paranormal.
This is worthy of network TV.
This is bigger than meat.
Oh, pshaw.
The kid's obviously starved for attention.
Aren't we all?
And, besides, I've decided to go with another story--
"Kinkle might make first string."
Got to go.
So, how did it go?
Did sore throat cough it up?
He hocked something ugly up.
We got to get out of here.
Aah!
(screaming)
So you never pinned anything on Mr. Kraft, huh?
No, I can't believe he wasn't dirty dealing.
No, now, come on, you're being unreasonable.
We can work this out!
Oh, no, not the settee!
Where am I going to take my naps?!
You told us it was T-bones. Yeah...
You never said it was school meat.
(stammering)
No. No.
(grunts)