Ah, this beautiful carol takes me back.
Mumsy would hum it
while she baked gingerbread,
till she realized that the oven was set too high,
and then the screaming would start.
Oh, I love Christmas.
Salem, I hate to throw a wet Yule log
on your warm hearth of Christmas memories
but Zelda and I aren't getting you an 18-wheel big rig.
But it's all I asked for.
Face it. You're bad with gears.
Fine. I don't need your gifts because this year
my true love is sending me The 12 Days of Christmas.
Who is your true love?
Moi. I ordered it
from the Other Realm's on-line 89-cent store.
Oh, I love the 89-cent store
except for that exact-change rule.
It's a beautiful way for me to tell me, "I love me."
Oh! This endless cold snap is making me snap.
This is the worst time of year.
You're not anti-Christmas again, are you?
No. I'm anti-windy, subfreezing, post-apocalyptic weather.
I love Christmas.
Oh. Salem, it says here
your first 12 Days of Christmas present is about to arrive.
SALEM: Danny Bonaduce!
This is the best Partridge in a pear tree I could ask for.
Happy holidays, everyone.
Cool. Eggnog.
You got any ham?
Back...
in the tree, Bonaduce.
I got to get a better agent.
¶ ¶
¶ Secrets ¶
¶ You're never gonna know ¶
¶ You're never gonna get it ¶
¶ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ¶
¶ Secrets, secrets ¶
¶ Secrets. ¶
¶ ¶
Okay, I am terrified of going outside.
If I see my breath one more time,
I'm going to smack it upside its head.
MAN (ON RADIO): And now it's time
for WWBG's Christmas getaway contest.
The first caller to answer this question correctly
will win four free tickets for a week-long trip
to tropical Jamaica, starting Christmas day.
What? Jamaica? Four tickets?
One, two, three... and a mortal.
We could bring Harvey!
Oh, wait. We have to win it first.
The subject is science.
Oh, science-- we won!
Aunt Zelda, just answer it.
Sabrina, I don't know everything about science.
You think you do.
Here's our question:
What parameter measures the relative magnitude
of viscous forces to coriolis forces in the rotating flow
of viscous incompressible fluids?
Well, everyone and his donkey knows that.
Eckman number.
That's correct.
¶ We're going to Jamaica ¶
¶ We're going to Jamaica. ¶
This man says we're going to Jamaica.
Oh, my gosh. Harvey and I are going to have so much fun.
And I'm sure there's old age stuff
for you guys to do there, too.
Sabrina, Zelda won the tickets.
She should pick the mortal of her choice.
I vote for Antonio Banderas.
Oh, please.
Of course Harvey can come.
Thank you, Aunt Zelda.
You're the greatest aunt who ever lived. Aw.
Don't worry. Second place is nothing to be ashamed of.
(bell ringing)
So, Harvey, you have any plans for Christmas?
Well, my mom's taking
my little brother and the baby to visit Grandma,
so that means it'll just be me, Dad and his patented
"the working man never gets a break" speech.
Fantastic. Well, I mean
I have a great surprise for you.
Just don't make any plans for a week
starting Christmas day, okay?
Well, I was going to go
to the Freddy Krueger marathon at the revival house.
No, no, no. Don't buy tickets for that.
Do you hear me? Don't make plans. Do not make plans.
Okay, I won't make plans.
No, no, even planning not to make plans
smacks of making plans.
Don't.
(wind gusting)
Ooh...
Oh... I have never seen the clock shop so busy.
My feet are killing me.
Oh, my cheeks are killing me.
From smiling at the customers.
Pretending to be polite is so exhausting.
SALEM: Look at these two turtle doves.
They're just turtles with wings stapled on.
Since when did the 89-cent store
start selling cheap and shoddy merchandise?
Maybe they really can fly.
No, they'd have to be alive to do that.
Ready?
This almost makes me wish I wasn't Muslim.
Yeah, but you'd miss the flat bread.
Should we leave the tree naked?
No, children might see it.
Hey!
Sabrina, tell your aunt Zelda that Grammy's going to Vegas
and she will not take me.
So, now that Zelda is off to Jamaica
I'm spending another Christmas alone.
I'm sorry. Oh, and you can add this.
(blows raspberry)
What was that?
My principal-slash- aunt's boyfriend,
and it's sort of my fault that he's going to be
alone-slash-sad on Christmas.
Yeah, see, I would have blamed the personality.
Maybe I should talk to him.
(evil laughter)
I ho-ho-hope you all enjoy the holidays.
(cackles)
(laughing)
They're the three French hens I ordered,
and they're not what I had in mind at all.
Okay, I give up trying to keep pace
with teen fashion.
It's for Jamaica--
Harvey and I are going to frolic with the fishes.
I mean, since we can't gamble.
MAN (ON RADIO): We interrupt this program
to bring you a special weather bulletin.
Due to severe winter conditions,
all airports on the eastern seaboard
have been closed indefinitely.
No! You can't do that!
You can't ruin mine and Harvey's vacation!
I know you're disappointed,
but look on the bright side.
It'll be a white Christmas.
That's pretty cool, huh?
And we'll all be together.
That's the important thing.
Oh, you're talking crazy talk.
Great. I've just been called "crazy"
by someone in a rubber suit.
No two snowflakes are alike, my butt.
You're all united in your mission to ruin my Christmas!
You know, Mark Twain once said,
"Gee, this mustache itches."
And he also said, "Everyone talks about the weather
but no one does anything about it."
Oh, so what you're saying is
I should use my magic to change the weather?
What a great idea.
Hmm.
So that I may be able
to travel freely
send the snow away, I mean it really.
The snow! It stopped!
It stopped!
Looks like the spell went wrong
in an unexpected way.
How unusual.
This look is not going to work with my new bikini.
We're swamped, and we're shorthanded.
Why do they only loan prisoners out
to clean highways?
Let's get some help from the Other Realm.
To help us cope with the Christmas rush
send us workers in a hurry--
in other words, mush.
You two look like Santa's elves.
The uniforms always give us away.
I'm Powell.
This is Pressburger.
It says here you left Santa's workshop
over creative differences.
Please elaborate.
I don't want to slam Santa,
but let me put it to you this way--
he doesn't have much of a sense of humor
when it comes to fat jokes, not even the funny ones.
And that kiss between me and Mrs. Claus-- there was mistletoe
all over the workshop, for crying out loud.
So tell me about your years at Harvard.
Complete fabrication.
Thank goodness. You're hired.
Christmas elves!
What a great promotional gimmick.
Hey, lady, Sensurround was a gimmick; we work here.
I'm feeling a little warm.
Turn the air conditioning all the way up before I melt.
Hurry! Okay, okay!
Boy, whenever the molecular structure
of your body changes,
you become really irritable.
I'm remembering
a formula I learned in seventh-grade science.
A burning hot electrical bulb equals heat!
Don't worry, Sabrina.
I'll figure out a way to keep you cool
until you can figure out a way to reverse the spell.
Figuring stuff out is not our strong suit, is it?
Hey, stop drinking that!
That's my unreconstituted right leg.
Sabrina?
What happened?
What's with the puddle?
I, uh, had a little accident.
We can't reverse the spell.
The only way to plead your case
is to go directly to Mother Nature. Can we do it now?
In the words of another famous witch--
I'm melting!
Hello, Steve? Hurricane Steve?
Yeah, this is Mother Nature.
I need you to make a swing through the Virgin Islands
later this week.
Don't give me any of that
"I'm just a tropical storm" business.
Get off your tailwinds and get down there, pronto. (knocking)
Mother Nature?
Um...
we're sorry to bother you.
She's Zelda Spellman, I'm Hilda Spellman
and this is our niece Sabrina. Hey!
Sorry for my appearance.
I'm a little pail right now. (rimshot plays)
Oh, I know you. You're the selfish little brat
who changed the weather.
SABRINA: Yeah, but that's all
water under the bridge.
In fact, I'm water under the bridge. (rimshot plays)
This spell always makes people talk in puns-- I hate that.
And you should know that the snow
was stopping tonight anyway.
Whoo-hoo. I'm Jamaica-bound.
In a Thermos. (rimshot plays)
What Sabrina did was wrong
but she is a first-time offender.
Can't you please change her back?
Teenagers are enough of a handful
without them clogging our drainage systems.
Oh, it is Christmastime,
and I don't want to be unseasonably mean,
so, okay.
Ah, thanks.
Well, I'm sure there's a third world town you need to reduce
to rubble so we better get going.
Just a minute, young lady.
You're not getting off that easily.
I'm going to punch some data into my super-computer,
which will scientifically decide
the most severe punishment for you.
Oh, no. What terrible fate awaits me?
Not a tornado!
Ow! Ow! Not hail!
Oh, no, not lightning!
(computer trilling)
You must spend time with a certain Willard Kraft
and cheer him up.
No!
How about a little hail?!
Oh, be strong, honey.
Be strong.
Here, wear this Christmas tree pin on your lapel.
When the star on the pin lights up like this
Mr. Kraft will be sufficiently cheered,
and your punishment will be over.
Great. On top of everything else,
I have to wear an ugly accessory.
I can't find Mr. Kraft anywhere,
and I've called all his usual haunts--
his home, Custer's steak house
Pat Buchanan for President headquarters...
Have you tried Westbridge High?
Oh, come on. Being at school during Christmas vacation--
that's beyond pathetic.
That's patholog... That's where he is!
(rumbling)
Oh-oh-oh...
It's the nine ladies dancing--
nine of the largest,
most ungraceful ladies you'll ever meet.
Knock it off!
Some of us are trying to sleep away the morning!
That's odd.
We're missing money from the cash register.
Well, I know you didn't take it,
and I know I didn't take it, so who could it be?
We're going to the bank to make a deposit.
We'll be back in five.
See ya.
Who could it be?
(chuckling): Yes. I found some kids
that are qualified for suspension.
What are you doing here?
Uh, I just came by to see
what your favorite kind of Christmas food is?
Figgy pudding. Go away.
That's so funny, because I was thinking
about you this afternoon, and I was thinking, "He looks like
a figgy pudding kind of guy," so...
I baked you this.
Do you think I'm a fool?
Rhetorical question?
This was not baked with love but just to curry favor
with the man in power, but guess what?
I'm going to eat all of it.
I've got it.
Powell and Pressburger stole our money.
Hilda, you always suspect the worst in people.
Come on, have some faith in your fellow man.
But just in case
the little hooligans snatched the dough,
let's watch the surveillance camera.
Even when you hire people you don't know
on the spur of the moment,
it can still backfire on you.
Oh, it makes me so mad!
Hilda, this is the Christmas season.
We must have compassion.
ZELDA: Powell, Pressburger,
straighten up the back room, okay?
Sure thing.
"Straighten up the back room, okay?"
(laughing)
Those felonious little rogue elves.
Oh, come on, lighten up.
Look at me.
I'm Hilda.
I own a clock shop.
I pay minimum wage.
Okay. They're sled kill.
(bagpipes and drums playing Irish music loudly)
12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping.
One cat crumbling.
Oh... turn it off.
Turn it off!
SABRINA: That was good, huh?
Yes, it was.
And you're feeling cheerful now, huh?
Well, I can feel the sugar surging
through my body, giving me comfort. You can?
Yes, and I can feel that now
my sugar rush is officially over. Oh, no. We're getting
further and further away from the land of cheerful.
I don't really care for this time of year.
Oh, I'm never going to get to Jamaica.
Oh. Okay, let's snap out of it.
Who wants to go for a walk?
Not me.
Great. Let's go.
No...
I just want to remind you two that Christmas
isn't just about getting stuff
or say... money.
It's also about
honesty and overcoming your bad impulses.
That's a good point.
In fact, we've gone out of our way
not to get drunk during business hours.
Oh, we're at Zoo-Zoo's store.
Hi, monkey.
Aunt Zelda, I need to speak with you alone.
I can't hear.
I have tried everything.
I was pushing him at the park at the swings just now
and not even so much as a "whee!"
You've got to help me.
Oh, honey, I'd drop everything in a second to help my Willard
but according to Mother Nature, I'm not allowed to.
It's your punishment to cheer him up.
Oh, I can hear again.
Yeah. How's that for cheerful, good news?
(sighs) Is this thing on?
Mr. Kraft, why are you so miserable
at Christmastime?
Because I've never had a good one--
at least none that I can remember.
Maybe I can help.
Uh, this area is for employees only.
What's wrong with me?
Did I just say, "What's wrong with me?"
because I couldn't hear it.
I'm going to take Mr. Kraft
back through the grandfather time clock
so that he can remember a good Christmas
and get out of this funk and I can go to Jamaica.
All right, well, if you leave him back there, I didn't see you.
(tinkling)
Mr. Kraft, uh, this grandfather clock
will cheer you up.
Thank goodness, I can hear again.
There is nothing worse
than losing your hearing!
(grunting)
You see that sad,
lost, lonely looking boy over there?
The one with the coal?
I'm the even more pathetic kid next to him.
You think this is bad?
You should see me a few years from now at the orphanage.
Oh, no, not an orphanage.
Mr. Kraft, which one are you?
That's me
on the outside, as usual.
I didn't have it good like those orphans.
How I envied them.
Didn't you have one happy Christmas
in your whole life?
Merry Christmas, Willard.
A sled? Oh, boy.
I wish I'd gotten this before I moved to Miami,
but I don't care.
This is great!
(sled scraping)
Willard! You're scratching the pavement!
That was a good Christmas.
Whoo-hoo! I'm going to Jamaica!
What's that? Uh...
(no audio)
...and they lived happily every after.
Who did? Oh, Mr. Kraft, did you go deaf again?
Yes.
You know, you had that glazed look on your face
during my whole story like you were in some
reflective revealing daydream.
It was the most powerful daydream of my life.
You know what, Sabrina?
I think I figured out
the secret to a happy Christmas.
Really? What is it?
Low expectations.
As long as you look at Christmas as just one other day
in the long endless drudgery that is life,
then you won't be disappointed when joy doesn't come.
Well, I'm glad I could cheer you up.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, mer-merry Christmas.
(sighs)
Hilda, there doesn't seem to be any money missing.
Let's check the security camera just to be sure.
That Zelda woman was right.
It was wrong for us to take that money.
Oh, the little dears.
They put the money back.
You see? I knew if I just lectured them
it would do them some good.
Wait. Do you see the lady
who just came in the store?
Is she shoplifting?
No, no, I think she's looking.
Oh, well, thank goodness
for surveillance cameras.
Yeah.
They were on to us about the money
but they'll never miss a clock.
I love this time of year.
(doorbell rings)
Come in.
Hey.
Merry Christmas Eve.
Oh, back at ya.
Here's your present.
Harvey, a diamond bracelet?
Actually, it's "I can't believe it's not diamonds."
Twice as shiny but at a fraction of the cost.
Well, I love it-- it will look great with
my "almost onyx" necklace you gave me.
Tickets?
Oh, passes to the Freddie Krueger marathon
at the revival house.
I won't sleep for a week. Thanks.
Well, speaking of nightmares
do you want to try the Christmas cookies I made?
You bet.
I coated my stomach before I came over.
Movie tickets?
Then who did she give the extra ticket to?
(doorbell chimes, knocking)
Oh, no.
Zelda Spellman, you foxy Santa Claus.
A trip to Jamaica.
I have never had such an incredible present!
Well, you know what a scamp I am.
Oh, excuse me. Um, Zellie, don't we need
to speak to Sabrina alone?
Uh, be right back.
Sabrina.
You gave Willard Kraft the extra ticket?
And credited it to me?
Look, Mr. Kraft is the bane of my existence but for some reason
I feel he should have at least one happy Christmas.
I don't know what got into me.
It's called the Christmas spirit.
It's called insanity.
Oh, I can hear again.
I didn't expect headphone-related hearing loss
until my 40s.
Well, I guess we're Jamaica-bound.
Ugh! What ever happened
to the whole global warming thing?
Cheer up.
I complained to the 89-cent store,
and they sent me a baker's dozen of doughnuts.
13 crullers calling.
Oh, yeah.
It's official.
All airports closed.
Well, at least we all get to stay here
and have a white Christmas.
That's the spirit.
And you know what?
If we can't go to Jamaica,
then...
we'll bring Jamaica here.
Yeah, mon!
(playing reggae version of "Joy to the World")
Wow.
This is way better than a fruitcake.
Harvey.
Hey, even though 10,000 people are without electricity
I'm happy you're snowed in.
I get to spend Christmas with you.
Well, let's grab a refreshment
and groove to the reggae, mon.
Does anybody want to buy a pair
of slightly-used bermudas?
I really see this, right?
This is not another daydream?
I'm sorry about the snow, monkey.
I know how much you wanted to go to Jamaica.
I do not care.
I am not alone on Christmas.
Let's boogie!
It was a show.
Get over it.
There was no real Ruben Kincaid.
(squawking)
Powell, Pressburger.
Oh, what a lovely gesture
but we actually have a lot of clocks.
Not as many as you think.
We stole this, but we're sorry.
Well, the important thing is, you righted a wrong.
And we heard you had jerk chicken.
I don't mean to pick on your elves
but aren't you mixing themes?
What a great Christmas.
But it's strange how it started snowing.
Mother Nature said it was supposed to warm up.
Well, uh...
Wait a minute.
Where's Hilda?
Aunt Hilda?
Yes, I admit it, I'm selfish.
But there was no way
I was going to Jamaica with Willard Kraft.
¶ ¶
ALL: Happy holidays, everybody!