Oh, good, you're here.
I know things have been a little slow lately,
but I have made a decision
that is going to change our business
in a profound way.
You're getting out of clocks
and into something that makes sense.
SALEM: I got it.
Designer cat food.
No, and fat chance, Tubby.
I have something in the store room
that is going to have a line of customers
snaking around the block.
Ta-da!
Well, I'm sure I speak for everyone
when I say "creepy."
Well, there'll certainly be a nice deduction come tax time.
All right, I'll give you one more chance.
Salem, what do you think?
Let me be delicate.
Those clocks are awful.
Is that so?
I-I mean awful good.
Look over there.
No, over there! No, over there!
(whimpering): Oh, change me back or take me to Wimbledon.
¶ ¶
¶ Secrets ¶
¶ You're never gonna know ¶
¶ You're never gonna get it ¶
¶ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ¶
¶ Secrets, secrets ¶
¶ Secrets. ¶
¶ ¶
So, are you buying a new dress for the Snowflake Ball?
No, I've already got plenty that are fine
for loitering awkwardly around the punch bowl
and that's all Harvey and I ever do at those things.
P.A. ANNOUNCER: Your attention, please.
The finalists for the King and Queen of the Snowflake Ball are:
Gracie Charters and Dan Kael,
Jean Huang and Hans Tercek,
and Sabrina Spellman and Harvey Kinkle.
You know, I've won lots of academic prizes,
but never anything as meaningless
as a popularity contest.
Do you think Harvey and I have a shot?
Well, they say the cutest couple always wins.
But those girls are really cute.
You and Harvey are cute, too.
Right. We'll just be ourselves
and let the chips fall where they may,
and I'll just take the high road.
But while I'm taking it,
I may as well do it in a killer new dress.
Zelda, I've got bad news.
Uh-oh, is Salem running five minutes fast again?
No, I just found out
that one of those gigantic Everything Emporium stores
is going to open outside of town.
Oh, one of those great discount places?
They have a huge selection of clothing
and appliances and...
(gasps): clocks.
And I really love this place.
I was hoping to struggle for a few years
and then file for Chapter 11.
Oh, Hilda, don't overreact.
It's probably just a rumor.
Do you want to start boarding up the windows
or should I?
Hey, Josh, do you think I'd look good in this dress?
I mean, you can't see the outline of my liver, though.
Why do women do this to themselves?
Sabrina, you're smart, you're beautiful.
Tell me, what does this girl have that you don't?
You mean besides millions of dollars
and an abusive rock-star boyfriend?
That's what's wrong with our society.
See, we emphasize beauty to such a degree,
it's downright unhealthy.
Hey, look, a pill to stop hair loss.
Hey, Salem.
Want to see the dress that's going to get me elected
Queen of the Snowflake Ball?
Put it on.
But I should warn you, I can be catty.
It's the only one they had; isn't it perfect?
Except for the fact that it's one size too small.
I see.
In your world "perfect" means "doesn't fit."
And since it's an Other Realm original,
it can't be altered.
Really? Now I know why the Other Realm
trails behind Paris as the fashion capital.
Okay, well, if I can't alter the dress,
I'll alter myself.
I'll diet.
I've never done it before, but how hard can it be?
Yeah, the fact that weight-loss products
comprise a billion-dollar industry
is probably just a funny coincidence.
Good morning, Sabrina.
How would you like your eggs?
Oh, as far away from me as possible.
I'm on a diet so I can fit in my new dress
and be elected Queen of the Snowflake Ball.
Hmm, and if you go down two dress sizes,
you can get into an Ivy League school.
You're fine just the way you are.
Fine?
Harvey and I are competing
with two other really cute couples.
Fine is going to come in third.
Well, at least let me give you
one of these whole-grain muffins.
Oh, come on.
Think of chewing as an aerobic exercise.
Ugh... just holding this muffin is making me feel bloated.
Huh?
(munching)
One man's trash, baby.
One, two, three, four,
their prices are low, but their morals are lower!
Well, once again, you're overreacting.
Overreacting gets results!
I am simply exercising my right to free speech.
Uh-huh, and the rotten fruit?
Visual aids.
Hilda, I've made an appointment for you
with the president of the Everything Emporium
to sit down and discuss the matter,
if you'd like to try the mature approach.
Fine. I just hope I can return that cow manure.
What are the odds that the cafeteria
would have the bacon cheeseburgers
and chocolate sundaes on the same day?
I know, it's like winning the lottery.
Did you misplace your entree?
No. I'm trying to lose weight,
so I can fit in my new dress.
The dress that's going to make us a lock
for King and Queen.
Good. So we're both doing our part.
What's yours, eating like Henry VIII?
Don't pretend like you haven't noticed my mustache.
Oh, I see it.
No, that's just a shadow.
(low gurgling)
Does anyone else hear that strange buzzing sound?
Yes.
Like the low hum of an incoming B-52.
Are we at war?
(low gurgling)
Uh, you know I think it's that darn sophomore
with the deviated septum.
He must have closed his mouth again.
Sabrina, could you come up here?
I think I might have an antacid.
What flavor? Can I have two?
I always carry the essentials.
Let's see.
No, that one's for leprosy.
So, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule
to meet with me.
Hand me that towel, will you?
(phone rings) What?
Fire him.
Your son? He's not a closer.
Anyway, I hoped if I could tell you
what a wonderful place my clock shop is,
you would find it in your heart to spare it.
(chuckling): That's a good one.
Spare it!
Oh, who sent you in here, huh? Artie?
You're serious, aren't you?
You really think there's anything you could tell me
to keep me from squashing you like a bug?
We put a lot of effort into our selection of timepieces.
Oh, well, in that case,
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to count all the way to three
before I call security.
Before I go, could I just make one little point?
Oh, look who's been downsized.
This stinks.
I've been dieting for a whole half a day
and I haven't even lost a pound.
Sabrina, I found that the key to losing weight
is eating the right foods.
Who are you channeling?
The other day I saw you put sugar on bacon.
Lean bacon.
There's got to be something in here
that will help me fit in my dress.
Hey, look at this ad.
"Thanks to Blubber-Be-Gone,
I lost 50 pounds in three days."
That's ridiculous.
What'd he do, lop off a leg?
Here goes.
"Thin my thighs, lose my roll,
make me skinnier than Manute Bol."
Ooh!
I see you called me in the nick of time.
I did?
Losing weight the Blubber- Be-Gone way is easy.
Whenever you're hungry,
instead of eating food,
just mix yourself a shake.
Taste?
Not bad; although I still prefer ipecac.
SALEM: Excuse me, but I think we've met before.
Weren't you selling
that turn-your-eye-gunk- into-gold kit a few years ago?
No, that must have been my brother.
Happy dieting.
This is great.
I'm going to lose weight,
I'm going to look fantastic in my new special dress,
and I'll be elected queen of the ball.
Right.
And one of these days,
my pink eye is going to pay off big.
Oh, no.
Woman's pump at 10:00.
Oh, so how does it feel being the, uh...
little guy?
What's that?
Earthquake?
Mm. Mm. Mm.
Blech!
And now, for the moment of truth.
It fits!
The shakes worked.
Hi, there.
I thought you might like to try our new flavors.
Gaunt grape and lean, mean nectarine.
Thanks, but I lost all the weight I had to.
I don't need any more shakes.
You really think so?
You guys must work on commission.
As you can plainly see,
I... (gasps)
look awful.
I'll take two cases.
Quick, before the firemen have to come
and cut me out of my bedroom.
Hey, by the way, how did your meeting go
with the president of Everything Emporium?
Not bad.
At first, it wasn't going well,
but then he had, uh... metamorphoses.
Either you're up to something, or...
No, that's it.
You're up to something.
Mmm, Sabrina, you've got to try these croissants.
They're just like Grandma used to make.
Well, not my grandma,
but someone's grandma who knew how to bake.
No, thanks.
I had a raisin earlier and, boy, am I stuffed.
Sabrina, you're looking awfully skinny.
You're not still on that diet, are you?
Me? No, I'm fine.
Hey, do I see a little scalp up there?
(gasps)
Don't tell me.
I've inherited the Spellman gene
for a keister the size of Manhattan.
Oh, I knew it.
It was just some sort of spell.
And yet the insecurity about my butt won't go away.
I think it's time to bring back suspenders.
Sabrina, we have to talk.
Oh, well, I only have a little while
before Harvey picks me up for the dance
and your stern lectures tend to eat up the clock.
Not only are these things a scam,
but they can cause serious side effects.
But I have to lose weight.
Like making you think you have to lose weight.
Come here, look in the mirror.
No, not the mirror!
It's so cruel and unforgiving!
Not anymore.
That creepy salesman put a spell on it,
but I deactivated it. See?
What are you talking about?
It's like looking at a picture of William Howard Taft.
Oh, no.
All this dieting has affected you psychologically.
You can't see that you're so thin,
you're practically sick.
Oh, well, what good is my health if I'm not Queen?
No more shakes.
Fine! Force me to live with this obscene obesity.
You know, Aunt Zelda is so unfair.
I know it seems unfair now,
but someday when you're older and wiser,
you'll be able to look back on all this
and get revenge.
Hey... one more shake wouldn't hurt
and it would be wrong to waste perfectly good guar gum.
Hilda, here's an interesting news item.
"Everything Emporium president missing."
Oh, look, Larry King
likes the new Ludlum novel.
Did you have anything to do with this?
No. Robert Ludlum has his own publicist.
Oh, you mean the Everything Emporium president?
Yes. He was bugging me, so I turned him into one.
Ginger beer?
A bug?
Hilda, you've got to change him back.
He is in a perfectly humane situation...
...now that I gave him air holes.
SABRINA: I wonder if that last milk shake made any difference.
I certainly feel lighter.
Salem, help! I've disappeared!
(gasps): I'm so sorry.
Hey, twirl me around so it looks like I'm flying.
SABRINA: What's happened?! Where am I?!
You've dieted until you've disappeared.
Now I'm starting to wonder if you can be too rich.
There has to be a potion in here somewhere.
You need an Other Realm camera.
Everyone knows those cameras add a hundred pounds.
(doorbell rings)
That's Harvey!
Order me a camera, now!
Come on, Sabrina.
We're not going to be able
to vote for ourselves if we're late.
Self-opening door?
Cool.
Not very safe, but cool.
(running footfalls)
Has the camera arrived yet?
Yes!
Finally. Hurry up and take my picture.
Could we take another one?
I think your eyes were closed.
Sabrina, I'm down here when you're ready!
And sorry to anyone I woke up.
SABRINA: I'll be right there.
Okay, everything's going to be fine.
Uh-oh.
You think that happened because we didn't use name-brand film?
Oh, look, it says the camera only brings you back
for a few minutes.
So much for "Take a picture, it'll last longer."
And you'll start to flicker
whenever you're about to disappear.
Like that.
Quick, take another picture.
Okay.
This time I want to get a little more creative.
You got a wind machine handy?
Just shoot me.
Okay.
Great.
I'm going to have to take the camera to the dance with me
and keep having my picture taken.
Don't let anyone else in the picture.
If people aren't flickering out, they'll gain a hundred pounds.
And to think I used to complain when I got a run in my stocking.
I keep him in a little glass jar,
which I refer to as "Oz."
Uh-oh. Jailbreak.
You lost him? Oh, perfect.
Thanks to your overreacting, I get to spend my Friday night
looking for a cockroach with my sister.
Oh, come on.
This is stuff that keeps us young.
Ooh! I think I see a dropping.
You look terrific. Do you think so?
Because this is more of a standing-up dress than a sitting-down dress.
I thought we'd be standing up more.
It's too bad your car doesn't have a sunroof.
You look terrific.
So, what's up with the camera?
Oh, you know, I wanted
to preserve the memories of our big night.
Uh, did you drop your left cuff link?
What was that?
Northern lights?
(upbeat music playing)
Sabrina, that dress is fantastic.
Really? You don't think it makes me look too hippy?
¶ ¶
My eyes are acting weird.
Oh, I saw something about that on 20/20.
The best thing to do is keep them closed.
Hey, could you take my picture?
Sure.
Smile. Oh, no! Harvey!
Sorry, your eyes always come out red.
Oh! Got him.
No, that's a real roach.
(shrieks)
Wait a minute.
I know exactly what we need.
HILDA: A roach motel?
Zelda, this guy is a captain of industry.
There's no way he'd stay at a motel.
Okay, fine.
The roach Carlton.
Nice. Except for the faint smell of boric acid,
I'd give it four stars.
Never seen a camera like this before.
Just push the button, Avedon.
Picture?!
Mrs. Quick, no!
Mrs. Quick, we've got to get you out of here.
Now don't get too upset, okay?
There's got to be a simple explanation.
It's a bee sting, isn't it?
Okay.
I thought I heard buzzing earlier,
but I attributed it to my tinnitus.
P.A. ANNOUNCER: The next dance is for our King and Queen nominees,
and then it's time for everyone to vote.
Mrs. Quick, don't panic, okay?
We're going to rush you to the hospital.
The doctors are going to take care of you.
Everything will be fine.
I just need one minute.
Got him.
I knew he couldn't resist
that thumbnail- sized Toblerone.
Thank goodness.
Zap him back so we can go home.
Right.
But first a little good-natured torture.
Hilda.
Where am I?
Um... we found you
wandering out in the street.
I-I think you may have hit your head.
Do you feel all right?
Do you perhaps feel like
you now understand what it's like to be the little guy
in constant fear of unfeeling giants?
No.
I feel strong.
In fact,
I feel like I could withstand a nuclear holocaust.
I suppose this means
you're going to go ahead and build
your Everything Emporium now.
What?
I'm going to climb Mount Everest.
Bike across Death Valley.
I'm going to eat my weight in garbage.
Why would I want to waste my indestructableness on business?
See? I told you overreacting would work.
Harvey, stop fidgeting.
Try and look like we're having a good time.
I feel like all we're being judged on is how we look.
How do I look?
Gorgeous.
Now will you stop asking me that?
Stop yelling at me.
Nobody's going to vote for us
if it looks like we're fighting.
But do I really look okay?
Okay, I'm sorry. Let's just dance.
Got to go.
Dreama, have you seen my camera?
No, but you can use mine.
Look for it, please.
Something tells me this is about more than a camera.
Thank you for helping me back here.
My pleasure.
I was feeling a little disoriented.
Ooh, I wonder if I could scurry up those curtains.
Come on, Hilda, let's go.
Call the elevator. I'll be right there.
(chuckling)
I'm beginning to think you have a problem.
And now, the moment everyone's been waiting for.
The King and Queen of this year's Snowflake Ball are...
Harvey Kinkle and Sabrina Spellman!
(cheering)
Sabrina?
I thought dancing alone was embarrassing.
I can't believe she's missing this.
Hello, um, I'm really grateful for the honor and all,
but since Sabrina's disappeared,
maybe you guys should pick somebody else.
SABRINA: No!
Sabrina?
Ow, my foot! Sorry.
Dreama, do me a favor.
Go onstage and stall them
until I can find the camera, would you?
Okay, but only because
people are starting to think I'm talking to myself.
SABRINA: Here I am in my moment of glory and no one can see me.
Too bad I'm not a bigger fan of irony.
She's really levelheaded and pretty down to earth.
Is that girl talking about me?
Yeah, I voted for Sabrina, too.
I mean, she's nice
and she definitely doesn't follow the pack.
Oh, great, I dieted until I became invisible
and spent a load of money on a dress
and they voted for me because I don't normally do that.
I'm back.
All I needed to restore myself was a little self-esteem.
And I definitely don't need to diet.
In fact, if I don't eat something,
I'm going to keel over.
Mrs. Quick!
Sorry about your dress.
Oh, that's okay.
If you don't mind, I think I'll keep this
for the next time I swell up.
It happens fairly often.
Well, the good news is, we didn't have to go
to the emergency room.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Although part of me was looking forward
to all of the excitement.
And now my personal favorite, Mr. Bunny Rabbit.
(crowd groans)
Hey, where have you been?
Awash in social pressure, but I'm back,
and I've got something I'm going to say.
Well, don't tell the story
about the two priests on the golf course,
'cause Dreama already did that.
It got a laugh.
I just want to say
that I've learned an important lesson tonight.
I realized that what a person looks like on the outside
doesn't matter half as much
as what she's like on the inside.
I think this belongs to Sabrina.
Or Allan Carr.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm all for hygiene and grooming, but thanks to you,
I'll be keeping it all in perspective.
QUICK: This is a moment she'll never want to forget.
Say cheese.
Mrs. Quick, no!
So there we were receiving our crowns
when suddenly Sabrina ballooned out.
She was huge.
At this time, we think a rogue bee
may have been the culprit. Wow.
I hope she wasn't planning to wear it to the prom.
Well, I'm sure Sabrina will be fine.
Thanks for bringing her home.
(crickets chirping)
SABRINA: Is the coast clear?
Oh, I've learned my lesson.
I'm never starving myself again.
Honey, just remember.
It you just eat right and get regular exercise,
you'll never have a problem.
SALEM: Mm. It's always worked for me.
Are there any more apple delights?