I can't figure out an original gift to get Harvey
for Valentine's Day--
cologne he'll never use, a red sweater he'll never wear,
a teddy bear holding a sign that says, "I 'heart' you."
It's not easy coming up
with something masculine, romantic and red.
Unless it's salmon.
Nothing says love like things that swim upstream.
(gasps)
Oh!
I can't believe
this finally came.
Oh, Sabrina, here is the perfect gift for Harvey--
a certificate
for a special gondola ride through the Milky Way.
I wonder which would be harder to explain--
the flying gondola or the fact that I actually know
a good burger joint on that side of the galaxy.
Oh, don't worry, a mortal won't remember the ride
but will be filled with a special feeling of love.
Like he's just sated himself on 40 pounds of coho.
I remember when you sent away for this.
You were completely gaga over some mortal.
Mmm. Ulysses S. Grant.
Oh, that's right. Good ol' Ulie.
What ever happened to him?
He got old and died.
I can't believe you waited
a hundred years for this.
Nothing's worth waiting...
Hey! It's got a coupon for free chocolates.
Well, I know what I'm having for dinner.
But I don't think I'll redeem that free anvil coupon.
(gulping)
¶ ¶
¶ Secrets ¶
¶ You're never gonna know ¶
¶ You're never gonna get it ¶
¶ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ¶
¶ Secrets, secrets ¶
¶ Secrets. ¶
¶ ¶
Harvey is going to love this magic gondola ride.
I just hope he didn't get me the same thing.
(bird chirping)
Ah, the first robin of spring.
That's him.
Devil bird.
That miserable little magpie
has been keeping me up
all night with his incessant chirping.
He must be stopped.
Oh, if only we had a house cat
to rid us of this terrible blight.
You're right.
What kind of feline am I?
(as Schwarzenegger): Bird, prepare to be Salem-ated.
Sabrina, what if he actually catches
that poor defenseless bird?
SALEM: Little help?
Oh, boy.
Never mind.
(groaning)
Whoo.
I think we should downplay Valentine's Day around Hilda.
I just felt so sorry
for her this morning.
I mean, you have Harvey, and I have Willard.
Well, if it's any consolation, I think she feels worse for you.
She's been so depressed
ever since she had to send Daniel Boone back.
Now she just spends her days moping around the attic.
So you really never had an Indian friend named Mingo?
No, ma'am, there isn't much companionship in the wild.
Believe me, when a tree falls in the forest, I hear it.
Well, you can stay here as long as you like--
I mean, until we get bored of each other
or my sister finds out.
Look at this.
It's just addressed "To My Valentine."
And it's not signed.
"Dear Valentine, I wish I could express in words
how truly special you are to me."
Harvey can be so sweet.
Sabrina, clearly this was written
by a worldly, sophisticated, mature man.
My monkey.
Come on, this has lovesick adolescent written all over it.
(knocks on door)
Hey, good morning. Thought I could walk you to work.
Thank you for my valentine.
Valentine?
I didn't send you a valentine.
But I did get you, uh... this stick of gum.
It's sugarless, and, uh, this watch.
Okay, before I have to thank you for your high-tops,
Valentine's Day isn't until Monday.
I knew that.
Uh, I can't walk you to work
'cause I have to go to the mall
and... get them to gift wrap the stuff I already got you.
Oh, monkey, I'm so sorry you're sick.
Drink fluids.
I love you.
He's got a cold, and he's got no idea it's Valentine's Day.
Well, if Harvey didn't send it
and Mr. Kraft didn't send it,
then... it must have been sent for Aunt Hilda.
Sabrina, you're right.
And it couldn't have come at a better time.
(whistling) Do we still have
any of that venison left?
It's a wonder she can get up in the morning.
Aunt Hilda, look what came for you in the mail--
an anonymous valentine from some secret admirer.
Couldn't be for me.
I'll be up in the attic
making sure our wiring is up to code.
She's breaking my heart.
Relax, I don't want your powder pouch
or your "chaw of tobacky."
Valentine's Day isn't until Monday.
Good, 'cause I'm fixin' to make you a nice fur cap.
If I could just trap that pesky black varmint
I see scurrying around here.
That's our family pet.
So if you're thinking of trapping him...
he loves peanut butter.
(chirping)
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Why must you keep tormenting me?
I've got bad news.
That insane voice in your head is you.
No, it's that bird.
I know he's taunting me.
If I could just understand what he's saying.
Hey, everybody, look at this pathetic tub-o-fur
who couldn't catch a bird if his life depended on it.
Now it's personal.
One double vanilla latte with a dash of cinnamon
to kick it up a notch.
Thanks, but...
who needs cinnamon when I got your smile?
The number one perk about this job--
besides the low pay and bad hours--
is getting to flirt with every cute guy in Westbridge.
Hey, an anonymous valentine showed up at our house today.
Maybe it's from one of these guys.
You got an anonymous valentine.
The girl with the devoted boyfriend
also gets the secret admirer?
And they say life isn't fair.
We're out of fat-free muffins
so push these calcium-rich cheese Danish.
So, any big plans for Valentine's Day?
A gondola-riffic night out with Harvey-- nothing special.
Though it appears
our Sabrina may have a secret admirer.
Oh, really.
Any ideas?
Like any secret admirer, he prefers to remain anonymous.
(hiccups)
Are you okay?
Oh! Got to stop wolfing down those pickled eggs.
Cute and she eats like a trucker.
Apparently, if you're in love with someone
even their involuntary muscle contractions are endearing.
There are lots of ways of trapping a bird.
The simplest is the box- and-the-piece-of-string method.
(chuckling)
What animal would be slow enough to get caught...
Whoa! What happened?
I don't understand why you aren't
more interested in who sent you this valentine.
Because for every handsome, debonair man
that might have sent it,
there's a guy named Chester with a plate in his head.
I just want to see you happy.
I couldn't be happier.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll be up in the attic.
While you're up there
could you grab me some buckshot, honey bee?
I want to show Salem here how to load a musket.
I think honey bee's got some 'splaining to do.
What does "stay in the attic" mean to you?
Don't worry-- your cat said
he'd warn me at the first sign of trouble.
Watch out. Here they come.
Hilda, I can't believe...
Hold on, you wouldn't want to hurt a person who...
someone apparently loves very much.
Hey.
Hope you're not still mad about Valentine's Day
but I brought you a chocolate kiss and a real one.
(hiccups)
Number one cure for hiccups-- spoonful of sugar.
Yes, but only the special sugar we have at home.
See ya.
She's still mad.
This weekend, I'm buying myself a calendar.
Even though our paths only crossed for an instant,
you'll always have a special place in my heart.
Ditto.
Boy, I'm really going to miss him.
And now I'm done.
Do you want to get pedicures?
You know, you should never have broken
the Other Realm rules
and kept him up in the attic all that time.
The basement was moldy.
And now you're all alone.
Oh, you poor dear.
Interesting.
You were less irritating when you were angry.
You are so brave.
I am not going to rest
until I find out who sent you this valentine.
How are you going to do that?
Interview every guy I've ever dated?
Excuse me.
All right, all right.
All the A's over by the cash register, please,
and have your handwriting samples out
and ready for analysis.
I know this isn't the point of this exercise
but some of these guys owe me money, too.
It's not fair.
I haven't used my magic.
I haven't done a spell.
I haven't disobeyed my aunts
and yet, I'm hiccuping sparkly pink hearts.
Yep, life's just one big adventure.
And speaking of adventure, come with me deep into the bush
as we stalk the elusive dickey bird.
Sometimes I think you actually work at being annoying.
No, not really.
So that was a dead end,
but I think, if we systematically retrace your steps
over the last three months...
Sometimes I think you actually work at being annoying.
No, not really.
Where have you been?
Sweaty brow, panicked expression,
frantically looking through the magic book--
just what every parent wants to come home to.
Look.
(hiccups)
Sabrina, this looks serious.
What's the matter with you?
It's a very funny story.
I don't know!
You put Sabrina to bed; I'll call Cupid.
Cupid? Cupid.
He handles all heart-related matters--
literal or figurative.
And who gives the second opinion, the Easter bunny?
What's with the getup, bwana?
I'm going big-game hunting.
Looks like a big game doodied on your hat.
Yeah? Well, it happened to Hemingway all the time.
Wow. Your heart's beating louder (heart beating loudly)
than the bass on a Deadhead's boom box.
Oh, I can't imagine why.
My anxiety level is
in "there aren't enough lifeboats" territory.
Finally. Where's Cupid?
Well, Cupid's a little backed up with Valentine's Day,
so he had to send his assistant.
Where's the patient?
Roland?
Okay, you've scared me,
but I've still got the hiccups.
You know, some people collect stamps.
Other people seem to collect jobs.
Helping people find love is my true calling.
Plus, I already had the outfit.
So, what seems to be the problem?
Well, my heart is racing,
I'm hiccuping valentines, and you're in my bedroom.
How can you make all three go away?
Oh, Sabrina, calm down.
I'm sure Roland can help.
Sorry. I meant that to sound sincere.
(chirping)
Now you mock me in front of my family?
Why you...
Salem, no!
(grunting, thud)
My spleen!
Oh. I'm okay!
Uh, he's got nine lives, people, and I'm working on
the only one I got over here.
Well, I really won't know anything
until I open her up.
Open me up?
I may be the only one concerned here,
but he's not a real doctor and I'm a bleeder.
The key to your heart.
No, that's to the Volvo.
Here it is.
Allow me.
What are you going to do?
I knew I should have gotten the club.
ZELDA: There's the problem.
Your heart is made of valentine's candy.
Oh, good.
I was afraid it was going to be something serious.
Okthat says, "Be mine.rt that's mNo, be mine."ine candy
Why is this happening to me?
I eat oat bran. (hinges squeaking)
Not a huge priority, but you might think
about getting your hinges oiled.
Well, Roland, don't just stand there
fingering your tunic; help her.
I'll see what I can find in the magic book.
I remember this from the training manual.
Your condition is very serious.
You must follow my instructions precisely.
What do I have to do?
First, take my hand.
Then what?
Be patient.
(humming)
Is this supposed to make me feel better?
I don't know about you, but I'm in heaven.
Get out.
What do you want from me? I'm just a temp.
These wings aren't even real.
Here it is.
Candy heart syndrome.
Well, Roland was right about one thing.
Your condition is quite serious.
"A witch gets it only around Valentine's Day
when two mortals are vying for her heart."
Two? What two?
Harvey's the only one vying for my heart--
well, at least before it was chewable.
There must be someone else.
Hilda, I'm so sorry...
but this means that, that valentine wasn't for you.
It was for Sabrina.
(deadpan voice): Oh, no. I'm crushed. I can't go on.
Smirk, though your heart is breaking.
Oh, yeah, you know, Aunt Hilda's problem's
a lot more monumental than the girl with the candy heart.
Yeah. It's true. Sabrina's right.
We have to focus all of our attention and support on her.
All of it.
SALEM: Help! Emergency!
Come quick!
Be right back.
It did sound dire.
Well, no one can say they coddle me.
(sobbing)
Salem, what's the matter?
I killed him.
I landed on him when I fell out of the tree.
All I wanted to do was scare, humiliate
and emotionally scar him for life.
I didn't want to hurt him.
He's still breathing.
Do birdie CPR-- stat.
One, two, three, four, five.
Breathe.
(sighs)
Sorry to keep harping
about this, but...
it says in this book that my symptoms are going
to get progressively worse over the next couple of hours.
How can they get any worse?
(heart beating loudly)
Well, that's one way.
Do you think anyone will believe I have a live ferret in my bra?
He's alive! (bird chirping)
Thank you, big guy.
Okay, next crisis.
Sabrina, you've got to stop one of those mortals
from vying for your heart.
If you don't, you'll become cold and heartless
and unable to love anyone.
Not even Harvey.
What? But how can I get
a complete stranger to stop liking me?
I know, I got to figure out who sent me that valentine.
I have an idea.
We'll check out every boy you ever met.
Oh, no. We're not going
through that again.
I suppose you have a better idea.
Yes, I'm calling in a valentine expert.
No!
Did you not hear me say, "No!"?
Well, if it isn't the girls from ungrateful junction.
Can't handle this one without me, huh?
Is there some extra fee we can pay
for you to drop the attitude?
Just tell me who sent this valentine.
Give me one good reason why I should help you do anything.
Because if you don't, your wings will no longer be on your back
but someplace much more uncomfortable.
Oh, well, I guess we have a deal then.
Old cherub party trick.
Josh?
Josh is my secret admirer?
And he still only pays me $5.25 an hour?
Well, there's a little matter of my fee.
Sabrina, you have to find Josh and get him
to stop liking you.
Unless you want to be the kind of person who wears
their heart on their sleeve, literally.
Hey, look, it stopped.
I must be getting better.
(music playing)
I know I'm going to regret asking this
but what's that music?
I think it's Jack Benny's
old theme song, "Love In Bloom."
¶ You know it isn't a dream ¶
¶ It's love in bloom. ¶
(imitating Benny): Now, cut that out.
Okay, so the consensus is I'm not getting better.
Josh, I need to talk to you.
Hey, you're back.
Got that esophagus under control?
(music playing)
What's with the cheesy Muzak?
I thought the stereo was busted.
Can I use your jacket?
I'm a little chilled.
I'll bring it right back.
(music muffled)
Okay, now it stopped.
Am I going crazy?
No, you are.
What's with the jackets?
Uh, kleptomania--
one of my many obnoxious qualities.
You don't have any obnoxious qualities.
Sure, I do. Dozens.
I can...
Well, there...
I can be so...
Cute?
Really? You think so?
No, no, no, no. No, no. Never.
I am so the opposite of cute.
Curses! Done in by my own cuteness
and lack of obnoxious qualities.
Well, if I can't get him to stop liking me
I'll just get him to like someone else.
Hey, um, Josh, have you ever noticed...
¶ It's love in bloom! ¶
Well, well, have you?
(monitor beeping rhythmically)
SALEM: Is there anything else I can do?
Fluff your pillow?
Regurgitate a worm?
(chirping)
No! No more TV for you--
not since you flatlined during Popular.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Maybe.
Yeah, sure. I guess I'm something of a romantic.
Great.
Hey, come here.
What do you think? Do you see love?
No, but I do see a very terrified customer.
¶ Oh, no, it isn't the spring, it's love in bloom. ¶
Sabrina, are you okay?
Yeah, fine. Oh, what about her?
She's cute.
¶ It's love in bloom. ¶
What's the matter with you?
Why do you keep singing that song?
I'm a crazy, insane person-- the kind of person
no one would ever have a secret crush on, wouldn't you agree?
Not really.
But maybe you should take the rest of the day off.
Relax, get some sleep...
learn a new song.
The color's coming back to his beak.
The insurance companies are right.
Untrained and unqualified people can treat the sick.
(phone rings)
Hello?
SABRINA: Hey, it's me.
I just wanted to let you know the music stopped.
Oh, that's great.
(bird chirping)
Oh, is that stupid feather-butt dead yet?
When he finally kicks it, make sure you flush him.
Sabrina, are you all right?
Hey, watch it, buddy.
Not everybody likes dogs.
I swear, the blind think the world owes them something.
Something's wrong.
Oh, you think?
Look, I don't have time to keep yappin' with you broads.
I got to go talk to Josh; I've been way too nice to him.
I got to tell the pathetic loser
that he's got to get a grip and move on.
Sabrina, wait. (dial tone)
Oh, no.
Sabrina's becoming heartless.
If we don't do something soon
she'll be unable to love anyone.
We've got to get Josh to stop liking Sabrina.
I think we both know what we have to do.
If you must, you must.
This is really going to cost you this time.
Hey, Juan Valdez, we need to talk.
Sabrina, how's your stomach?
I brought you another kiss.
Well, they never said which boy
I had to make stop liking me.
Wait, Roland,
you can't go in there dressed like that.
College place...
I've got just the outfit!
Oh, yeah--
the wings would have been must less noticeable.
Look, there's Sabrina.
Oh, no. She's with Harvey.
I hope we're not too late.
Wow. Sure is an awfully long list
of things you don't like about me.
Did I mention "stating the obvious"?
ZELDA: There's Josh.
Shoot him.
He has to stop liking Sabrina.
What-- and clear the way for farm boy?
Are you kidding?
I've been waiting for Sabrina to tell him off for years.
Sabrina, what's the matter with you?
Why are you saying all this? Don't you love me?
Love? Hah!
What's love?
No, everything is just fine.
If I can't have Sabrina, nobody can.
I don't love...
if you won't do your job, then I will.
(blowing)
I don't love anyone but you.
Hi. I'm Josh, Capricorn.
I enjoy long walks, foreign films and your eyes.
You did that on purpose.
A frivolous rebound is exactly what you need.
What I need is to be an only child.
Tell me everything about you.
Don't leave anything out.
I'm already fascinated.
Okay, junior.
I'm so sorry.
It must have been a weird reaction to that...
special sugar at my house; can you forgive me?
Of course.
I knew it couldn't really be you.
You have the biggest heart of anyone I know.
ROLAND: Hey, farm boy.
Roland?!
What's your cousin doing here?
This. Roland!
Are you okay?
Ms. Spellman, I never realized
what a devastatingly attractive woman you are.
Or that I'd ever use
the word "devastatingly" in a sentence.
Happy Valentine's Day!
And now it's time for the Valentine's Day massacre.
Oh, aurora borealis.
Look at the stars, Harvey.
I'd rather see them reflected in your eyes.
Come on, what are you,
three, four years older than me, tops?
Try 597.
Love can overcome that.
Can I peel you another grape?
Whatever.
Well, thank you for the worst Valentine's Day of my life.
House calls are pricey.
Besides, like I told you,
everything will go back to normal after tonight.
Milk Dud?
(bird chirping)
Sing us a song of love.
Sabrina, to paraphrase
the great Rod McKuen, love is like...
(yelling)