[DOORBELL RINGS]
There's your Other Realm Gazette. I need to collect.
You're the newspaper boy?
My mother took a lot of folic acid when I was in utero.
My aunts aren't home, I don't have money.
Little Mikey gets stiffed.
- Can you come back tomorrow? - Oh, sure, come back tomorrow.
"Oh, I don't get paid till Friday." Everybody's got an excuse.
- I give excellent service, but-- - Excellent service?
Last Tuesday's paper was from 1948,
and Monday's paper was wrapped around a fish.
I've been sick.
When we get our replacement papers, you'll get paid.
Fine.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Oh, well, it looks like it's gonna be sunny tomorrow.
Hey, listen to this wedding announcement:
"Laird Prescott to marry Annabelle Saberhagen."
Is she any relation to you?
Me? Why, no, of course not--
[SOBBING]
She's my daughter.
Daughter? You have a daughter?
Salem has a daughter?
He's 500 years old.
He didn't spend all that time watching television.
Annabelle hasn't been in touch with him for decades.
It's caused him many sleepless nights, which is why he sleeps all day.
It's their family, their rift. We leave it alone.
And that's coming from me, a real busybody.
Salem has a daughter?
I know it's personal and I don't wanna pry,
so I won't ask any questions.
Thank you.
Annabelle blames me for being away so much when she was growing up.
Is that because you were away so much when she was growing up?
Yeah, but collapsing governments isn't something you can do from home.
I'm finding it hard to be impartial here,
but there's so little you've done right.
- Why didn't you ever call? - I'm too guilty to call.
And then when I was found guilty, I really felt too guilty to call.
But I still love my little pumpkin.
[SOBBING]
Is there anything I can do to help?
Just spitballing, but...
So let me get this straight. My father is your house pet?
A very contrite house pet.
And he loves you very much
and he desperately wants to share your wedding with you.
[SOBBING]
He does?
You've certainly got your father's cry.
I always wanted him to be in my wedding,
I just wanted him to ask.
Well, I'm asking for him.
Close enough.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so overwhelmed.
There's so much to planning a wedding.
I could help.
I could fold napkins or handle the guest book, park cars.
Would you be my maid of honour?
Oh, as if we know each other.
Who better to share my special day than the person responsible
for mending the rift between my daddy and me?
Other than a sister or a college roommate
or a lifelong friend, I can't think of anyone.
[SOBBING]
Thank you.
- Hey. - Guess what this is.
You have a shop full of unhappy customers.
No, it's bread.
It's from that bakery that we both loved so much back in the 17th century.
Have a bite.
Mm. Mm.
Where did you get this? I thought we cleaned out the freezer.
I found the instruction manual to the lost-in-time clock.
And I was so bored, I actually read it.
Check out all the great things this clock can do.
Been able to make it tell time yet?
Not yet, but it can answer questions about history,
which I don't care about, but you will.
And it can bring back anything you want from any year you want.
And it's a salad spinner.
Go ahead, play with the clock.
Well, shouldn't we be out there helping the customers?
Oh, they'll go away. They always do.
SALEM: I can't believe my little girl has finally forgiven me.
From here on in, whatever pumpkin wants, pumpkin gets.
And she wants you to perform the duties of father of the bride.
Are you nuts?
I just wanted to go and watch it from the back like Stella Dallas.
I can't do father-of-the-bride stuff. I'm a cat.
You can write a cheque and walk her down the aisle.
Well, what will I do on the father-daughter dance?
Ride on her shoe?
And I can't--
Hey, would you be my second
and perform any duties I'm too furry to do?
Maid of honour, backup father of the bride.
Fine, but I draw the line at catering.
I'm so glad you two patched everything up.
Me too. We need dates.
Oh, good heavens, yes.
We can't go unescorted to a wedding.
They'll try to fix us up with every loser in the place.
You can hook up with my uncle Morty.
You mean, Uncle Inappropriate Behaviour?
Well, I wish I could take Willard.
But fortunately, it's in the Other Realm, so you can't.
This looks like a job for Mystery Date.
- What? - Another feature of our little clock.
All we have to do is state which qualities we want in our mystery date,
and then spin the hands of the clock.
I'd like someone who is independent, adventurous
and likes long walks on the beach.
[CLOCK CHIMES]
Leif Ericson?
You forgot to say, "But who isn't a Viking."
I don't wanna pick, but maybe it's time for you to clean out your locker.
They're bridal magazines.
Somehow I got roped into helping plan a wedding.
I was talking about the old sandwiches.
Sabrina and I share lockers.
It's kind of like living together.
I'm all gooey inside.
Looks like Sabrina's planning a wedding.
I wonder whose.
If the tux fits, buddy.
That doesn't sound like Sabrina.
We're going to college.
I'm driving the Indy 500.
No way she's thinking about marriage.
That's what my brother thought.
Now he's got three kids.
Copernicus may have realised
that the Earth isn't the centre of the universe,
but he hasn't realised that he isn't.
- I'm going to spin again. - No, it's my turn.
You've already sent back 16 guys.
Go through your maybe pile again.
Well, Leif is smelling better now that he's dry.
I want someone who'll take out the garbage.
In other words, the outdoorsy type.
- Davy Crockett? - I'm Daniel Boone.
Excuse me. Heh.
I think the real Davy Crockett would be a little less touchy.
Josh.
If you're gonna drool over Sabrina, do it over the spill tray.
Ah-- I do not like Sabrina.
Hey, Harvey's here. Can I take my break now?
Just finish wiping the counter.
If you think your love can wait that long.
I'm just gonna go up to her and ask her about the magazines.
That's a good idea. I think it's about time you two had the talk.
The talk?
Yeah, you bring this up with Sabrina
and you're gonna have talk to her about whether you wanna marry her.
Which you don't.
That's gonna upset her.
She's gonna break up with you.
And then you can go to motocross with me on Saturday night.
I gotta go think.
How about I take two breaks later?
You know what's wrong with women?
I'm dying to know.
They keep yanking that leash
until the poor dog turns around and bites.
I'll embroider that on a pillow.
Do you wanna hear what I just heard?
You know, Marnie, you're nothing but a gossipmonger.
- It's about Sabrina and Harvey. - I don't care if it's about Sabrina and--
Tell me later.
[HUMMING]
SALEM: Let's check the fifth at Aqueduct.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
[SIGHS]
Daddy?
Your daughter's here.
Oh, no.
I've waited 50 years to see her and she picks now?
Oh, why did I choose today to sample the new Mexican Science Diet? Oh.
Daddy, where are you?
SALEM: Be right there.
[HUMS THEN CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, Daddy.
SALEM: Pumpkin.
[SALEM SOBBING]
I missed you, my precious little girl.
Me too.
Oh, is that sand on your paws?
Hey, I thought Harvey was coming back, but since he hasn't,
can I take my two breaks plus one from tomorrow and leave now?
Oh, man, I hate word problems.
Here's a hint. The answer's yes.
Go.
Now, what exactly did you hear about Harvey and Sabrina?
It sounded like they might be breaking up.
Apparently, Harvey won't be standing in the way of destiny anymore.
Okay, good.
Because I am not letting Sabrina get away again.
The next time I see her, I'm asking her out.
Oh, I forgot my backpack.
That didn't count.
What do you think about this for my bouquet?
Bouquet?
- At a wedding? - What am I missing here?
At an Other Realm wedding, the maid of honour carries a sapling.
- You mean a tree? - Just a small one.
And it's planted in a sacred grove.
And every year, the couple visits it on their anniversary.
Oh, that's kind of sweet.
Not surprisingly, a popular wedding gift is manure.
Okay, but it doesn't get any weirder than that, right?
Are you sure I'm supposed to be wearing this?
SALEM: I might have dyed the boots to match the dress.
Yep, that's the traditional maid-of-honour outfit.
Don't you guys ever question these traditions?
It's been traditional not to.
SABRINA: Hey, it's Davy Crockett.
- Daniel Boone. - Sorry.
Good Lord, Sabrina, you're the maid of honour?
So? Other than looking like a before picture, it doesn't seem that hard.
Oh, that's right.
You've never been to an Other Realm wedding before.
Well, good luck.
This way.
- Are they bunny-hopping? - Of course.
It symbolises the importance of whimsy in a lasting relationship.
[SHEEP BLEATING]
- And what do the sheep symbolise? - Nothing.
Apparently, this place is close to a ranch.
I'm ready.
Wow. I want to say something wise and wonderful right now,
but I can't think of anything, except I love you
[CRYING] and I hope the band knows
some Ohio Players.
Oh, look, there's my beloved Laird waiting for me.
Isn't it amazing how all men look great in a suit of armour?
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
This is the kind of music
that Brian Boitano wears the dark skates for.
It's the Other Realm wedding march.
Time to start down the aisle.
So where's the sapling I'm supposed to carry?
Behind you.
The bigger the tree, the greater the love.
Couldn't you have married for money?
Thanks for letting me practise what I'm gonna to say to Sabrina on you.
No problem.
You don't really think she'll start weeping and shouting,
"Dear heavens, this is gonna change everything forever,"
like you did, do you?
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SABRINA GRUNTS]
Put some shoulder in it, Sabrina. You're holding up the whole wedding.
Hey, Jim, did you bring your Bowie knife?
It's Daniel.
The wedding ceremony is important for all of us
because it includes ancient traditions--
[PANTING AND WHEEZING]
Ancient traditions that remind us of the sacred sanctity of marriage.
Let's blow up the balloon.
You gotta be kidding me.
The maid of honour always blows up the balloon.
The inflated balloon symbolises...
Ahem. The inflated balloon
symbolises that a couple needs--
[BALLOON DEFLATING]
- Ugh. - Sabrina, you can use magic.
You could have used magic to bring the tree in too,
but guess it's too late to tell you that.
The inflated balloon symbolises
that a couple needs to love each other with every breath.
Please tell me that's all I have to do.
Pretty much.
And now for the most sacred moment of the wedding ceremony, the ring.
I don't have it. I didn't bring a ring.
That's the ring.
The father of the bride will now wrestle the father of the groom
for the right of his daughter to marry his son.
Okay, now the wedding's just getting weird.
- Don't worry, you can take him. - Me?
You're my second, and I'm protected by the Humane Society.
Sabrina, please fight for me.
If you don't win, I can't marry Laird.
And I just can't imagine life without Laird.
[SOBBING]
But you can imagine life without me?
What's up, Kinkle?
As soon as Sabrina gets in, I'm gonna have the talk with her.
Really? I mean, well, good luck, man.
There goes another dog who's about to shed his leash.
According to my sources, the breakup is imminent.
If I understand my dog analogies.
Thanks for the info.
Now why don't you get back to work?
That's code for: Why don't you get back to work?
Ladies and gentlemen.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
In this corner, weighting 267 pounds,
the father of the groom, Xavier "The Avenger" Prescott.
[LOUDER CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
This part of weddings always gets me.
And in this corner, at 110,
Sabrina "Hasn't Got a Nickname" Spellman.
[CHEERS AND BOOS]
- What do I do? - Go for his weak point.
Which is where?
[SABRINA SCREAMS THEN GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
Don't let him pin you or the match is over.
[CHEERS AND BOOS]
Go, Sabrina. Kick him.
Gouge his eyes.
Really. This is a wedding.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[SABRINA GRUNTS, SCREAMS]
You know, whoever catches the wrestler gets married next.
Next wedding, I'm just sending a gift.
Sabrina, your slip is showing.
SALEM: This isn't right.
I can't just sit here and watch while poor Annabelle loses her love.
Not to mention Sabrina getting filleted.
Annabelle, I'm going in the ring.
I'm so glad I spent three hours doing my hair.
[SALEM WHIMPERING]
SALEM: Saved by Daniel Boone.
It's Daniel Boone!
Sorry.
SALEM: No.
[SALEM GRUNTING, WHIMPERING]
One, two, three.
[BELL RINGS]
The winner.
Please stay down.
I'm glad you won.
With my other son, I got beat up and I've got gypsies as relatives.
And now for the exchanging of the ring fingers.
Oh, gross, gross, gross.
You are now part of each other forever.
I declare you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Finally, a tradition I've heard of.
Aren't you gonna kiss me?
[APPLAUSE]
[SOBBING] It's beautiful, just beautiful.
Okay, it's all right.
Well, I dropped Sabrina off at work and sent Leif back to Greenland.
You did send Daniel back, didn't you?
Hey, it's a rule.
What is that vile odour?
It's possum pie. The real stuff.
- Not with Ritz crackers. - Ugh!
I think you might have gotten some glands in there.
There's my pie.
So we already have nicknames?
Thank you, darling. Mm.
Well, I have to send you back, so I finally picked a date.
How about the 12th of never?
What are you doing here?
After Harvey talks to Sabrina,
he's gonna need someone around to pick up the pieces.
After Harvey talks to Sabrina, you might wanna pick up the pieces.
Check.
If all goes well, you and I will have nothing more to talk about.
Kinkle.
Good luck, man.
Thanks.
[DISHES CLINK]
- Hey. - Hey, so, what's ticking, chicken?
I'll never say that again.
Sabrina, I love you.
Really? Even after "What's ticking, chicken?"
[CHUCKLES]
I bought you this.
A ring?
Harvey, does this mean what I think it means?
Probably not.
See, I don't wanna get married. I'm not ready.
Good, neither am I.
You're not?
Of course not, I'm still in high school. I have my whole life ahead of me.
I'm not ready to have someone carry a tree down an aisle.
- A tree? - Yeah, my dad's kind of wooden.
Wait, but I'm confused.
Why did you give me a ring if you don't wanna marry me?
It's a promise ring.
It's to let you know that someday, a long time from now,
if we haven't grown apart or joined some strange religious cult,
only if you want to, of course, I hope that maybe we will get married.
That's so sweet.
And, Harvey Kinkle, I accept your proposal to not get married.
What happened?
Who knows?
Hey, guys, look what Har--
I swear, no one in this place even knows I'm alive.
Aunt Hilda, I thought Dan was going back to Kentucky
of yesteryear.
Don't tell your Aunt Zelda, but he's gonna stay a while.
Apparently, he wants to court me. I'm game.
You brought him down here to embarrass me?
And the house smells like possum.
Are you supposed to be Davy Crockett?
Fine. I'm Davy freaking Crockett.
That's right, all those guys in buckskin jackets look the same.
Honey, I think it might be the coonskin hat.
Oh, they do have a point.
Remember the Alamo.