what about if I throw you a bowling party for your birthday?
a clambake on the beach?
ice skating on the dark side of Pluto?
No, no, and again, no.
Well, OK.
a sit down dinner?
A stand up dinner?
A lay down brunch?
Stop me when you hear something you like.
Sabrina, I do not want a birthday party.
I do not want one on the beach, I do not want one with a Sneech, I do not want one up in space, I do not want one anyplace!
A party in Whoville?
It's your 650th.
That's big, we have to do something.
I agree.
We have to get back to work, and never mention the word "birthday" or "party" ever again.
Did you hear her?
No, I try and tune her out as much as possible.
I want to throw her a birthday party but she says she doesn't want one.
Sure she does.
So, when she says never mention the word 'party' again, what she really means is "bring in the noise, bring in the funk"?
Sabrina, when someone says they don't want a party, it means they really do want a party.
They just want it to be a surprise.
You think?
Yeah.
Everyone loves a surprise.
Well, almost everyone.
I finally found an Other Realm bakery that will make Hilda's favourite: Angel food cake with devilled ham.
Sabrina, you're wasting your time.
I've thrown her hundreds of parties over the years and she hated everyone.
She wasn't the only one.
Boring.
What do you know?
I'll have you know, people are still talking about that bash I threw for her 400th.
Eight of the world's most renowned astronomers pondering the universe over a vegetable lasagne.
They weren't pondering, they were sleeping.
Well, this party is gonna' be great.
I spent the whole weekend rounding up her friends from the past.
I even went through her address book.
And I went through her drawers.
Nothing going on there.
I've invited all of her girlfriends from the Other Realm High, including the Future Hexmakers of America and the Potionettes.
Eye of newt, rargh, rargh, rargh, worts and strychnine, blah, blah, blah.
I can't stand those cackling hens.
Oh, good.
The gargoyles are coming.
Have you heard from the Griffins?
Only Merv.
He's trying to get out of a dinner with Siegfried and Roy.
Gosh, you invited Sally O'Brien, my old flame.
I'll never understand why she dumped me.
You became a cat.
Still, you work with people.
Will you be able to get Hilda out of the universe for a couple of hours so we can surprise her?
well, she has been talking about this Mexican restaurant over on Orion's Belt.
They say the chalupas are out of this world.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
It's my dress, isn't it?
If you hate it, why don't you just say so?
OK, I'll say it for you.
Hilda, I hate your dress.
Go change.
Fine, if you put it like that.
I will.
Oddly enough that's the one dress of hers that I like.
Hi, hello.
hi.
Thanks for coming.
Hilda will be here any minute, she's gonna' be so excited to see you.
Can I take your coat?
Well, you seem pretty reserved this evening.
I thought you were a party animal?
I'm saving myself for Sally.
Oh, I think she's right over there.
Oh, I'll shall say she is!
What's wrong, gorgeous?
Cat got your tongue?
Or do you just wish he did?
Salem Saberhagen.
You rake.
I also mow.
But we can talk yard work later.
Oh, the year's have been good to you, Sally.
And you've got a little hummus on your whiskers.
You still give me the goose bumps, fella.
Meeee-ooowww!
Well, Hilda.
Here we are, back out the house!
Duh, I'm not in a coma.
Quick, everybody hide!
I don't know what's in those Other Realm tacos, but argh.
they always give me the worst.
Surprise!
Remember how cute Sir Galahad was?
He was the best jouster in senior class.
If anyone would know, you would.
That noise.
It's worse than nails on a blackboard.
I think it's great.
I haven't seen Aunt Hilda this happy since she went water-bed shopping with Casanova.
Hand me a couple of those cheese balls.
I thought you were watching your cholesterol.
I am.
Sabrina, have you had a chance to meet everybody?
This is Roz, and her son, Barry.
Hello.
This is Eleanor, and her daughter, Grace.
Isn't she adorable?
And this is my old college roommate, Tess, and her son, Bo-Bo.
Zelda, you have cheese in your ears.
What are you thinking?
These are for the guests.
I think it's so great you all brought your kids.
Oh, can you believe we're all moms?
Except for Hilda.
I'm not ready to have children.
Right now I'm just dating guys that act like them.
Hilda's priority is her career.
That's right, she's an entrepreneur.
A very high-level beverage broker.
Yes, I heard you bought a coffee shop.
It's a coffeehouse.
Right now I'm focusing all my energy on getting it off the grounds.
Oh, honey.
Besides, you never needed kids to give your life validation.
That's what we admire about you.
Thank you.
I admire that about me too.
What an inspiration.
You're secure enough to live the rest of your life with your spinster sister and not even be bothered by it.
Yup, really miss seeing these people.
OK, who ate all the cheese balls?
Thanks for the party, Sabrina.
It was fantastic.
Tell me about it.
Sally was all over me like a cheap suit.
Not unlike the one I'm wearing.
Well, I must admit, that despite the food, the guests and a gift from Bo-Bo in the laundry room, the party wasn't half bad.
Thanks, Aunt Zelda.
You know, if this college thing doesn't work out, I might go into the party-planning business.
I think I have a knack for making people happy.
I wish I were dead.
Oh, dear.
Perhaps the party triggered a lot of deep-seated feelings.
You haven't seen those hens.
I mean, friends, for over 400 years and now they're gone.
You think that's it?
Well, it could be.
Plus, you know, big birthdays are always emotional.
I mean, when I turned 2, I remember I cried like a baby.
Oh yeah, I was a baby.
All you need is a good night's sleep.
And a case of tissues.
I smell monkey.
Aunt Hilda, I thought you went upstairs?
I can't sleep.
I'm buzzing.
Oh, it must be all the excitement from the party, huh?
No, I'm literally buzzing.
Listen to this.
What do you think it is?
Did you swallow the oven timer again?
You are never gonna' let that go, are you?
That's not good, and it's definitely not mortal.
We gotta' get you to an Other Realm doctor.
I hate doctors.
They're always poking you and asking you if it hurts.
Of course it hurts, you just poked me!
Knock it off!
Dr Corn, please call radiology.
What is taking so long?
Hilda has been in that exam room forever.
She's been in there five minutes.
Why are you so nervous?
Well, she's my sister.
Sure, she may drive me crazy, have obnoxious friends.
be a little flaky, loud, overbearing, a complete slob.
what was I trying to say?
How much you care about Aunt Hilda.
I love that woman.
Well, what do I have?
Rickets?
Ringworm?
Tapeworm?
Smallpox?
Largepox?
Mumps?
Bumps?
Hypermenosynchrosim, type two.
I went to clown college, OK?
Break it down for me.
You think you'd remember swallowing a thing like that.
Oh, you didn't swallow this.
This is your biological clock.
Oh, and it's running a little fast.
Has anything unusual happened recently?
No.
I've just been going to work.
My niece just threw me this fantastic birthday party, where all my friends showed up with their kids.
Oh, that's it.
Your biological clock is telling you, you want to have a baby.
But I'm not ready to have a baby.
I don't have a husband.
I don't have a boyfriend.
I don't even have a test tube.
I understand.
Why don't you leave your clock with me, I'll recalibrate it and get you some more time.
God, I love being a witch.
You can pick it up tomorrow afternoon.
Unless you have an HMO, then we're talking about next year.
Don't worry, I have Broom Cross Broom Shield.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, one other thing.
You might find that without your clock, you have a few mood swings.
I mean, you might act a little loony.
Trust me, no one will notice the difference.
Does our history have any history of abnormal levitation?
Well, during the 60s, but everybody was floating higher then.
Oh, finally.
What did he say?
My biological clock is out of wack.
I left it here to get adjusted.
Will you be all right without it?
Of course I will.
I just may experience some irrational moments!
But then I'll be fine.
Excuse me?
Could I get a refill?
No, finish what you've got.
It's cold.
Swallow it, or be flogged!
OK, I'm out of here.
Thanks for coming.
Tell your friends.
Hilda, are you OK?
You seem a little.
moodier than usual
Everything's fine.
But I appreciate your concern.
Or is it concern?
Perhaps you're hoping that I'll croak so you can take over the coffeehouse.
Do you need a refill, honey?
What does a nervous breakdown look like?
Oh, Aunt Hilda's not having a nervous breakdown.
She's having.
mechanical difficulties.
Yeah, I'll say.
She's got more loose screws than Home Depot.
If I don't get that clock back today, I am gonna' off somebody!
OK, maybe she is.
Aunt Hilda.
Hey, why don't I go by the hospital and see if your clock's ready to be picked up?
Why, you think I can't handle it?
No, not at all.
Hide the sharp utensils.
Drive safe.
Hi, I'm here to pick up a package for Hilda Spellman.
I have a lot of packages.
Do you have a claim cheque?
I'm sorry, she forgot to give me one.
She's been a major-league nutzo all week.
Biological clock.
Got it right here.
Careful, it's wet.
Thanks.
I'm grateful and grossed out at the same time.
Hey, where's my aunt?
She went home.
Two seconds before all of Boston showed up.
I just gotta' get this too her.
I'll be back in ten minutes.
Wait, Sabrina, before you go, could you take these over to table four?
Sure.
Thanks.
You're a lifesaver.
Dental floss?
Hairbrush?
Jacqueline Susann novel?
Oh, my gosh.
Somebody took my aunt Hilda's biological clock!
This is a nightmare.
This is one of the worst things that has ever, ever, ever happened.
What happened?
Somebody stole my aunt's clock.
OK, people, I need your attention.
We have a crisis.
An emergency situation.
A clock has been lost.
Josh, have you seen anybody with a bag that looks just like this?
A half dozen people.
But I don't see what the big deal is, it's just a clock.
You don't understand.
That clock is a big part of my aunt Hilda's life.
In fact, it's a big part of my aunt Hilda.
Gotta' go!
Oh, thank goodness you're home.
What happened to your head?
Hilda bit me.
It was my fault, though.
I said hello to her when she walked in.
Hilda's been acting insane since they took out that clock.
Please tell me that's it.
It better be.
I've lost enough blood.
Aargh, about the clock.
Don't tell me you don't have it.
OK.
I've been gargling for two hours and I can still taste cat.
My clock is home, my clock is home!
Let's have a clock party.
Bag, please.
Valley of the Dolls?
A timeless classic, not unlike the hairbrush.
Where's my clock?
Well, it's kind of a funny story.
See, um.
someone walked off with it.
Lord, have mercy.
A stranger is walking around town with my biological clock?
OK, maybe it's not so funny.
But, um, you know what?
I'll get you a new one, I promise.
Where?
At the biological clock store?
Is there one?
Sabrina, a witch is only issued one biological clock.
If she loses it, it can have serious ramifications.
That's right.
What are they?
She has to find a man and get pregnant in the next forty-eight hours or she'll never be able to conceive a child.
Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry, Aunt Hilda.
Just because of me you might end up childless and miserable the rest of your life.
Oh, way to cheer her up!
I suggest you find that bag.
Forget the bag.
Help me find a man.
I need a bun in the oven, and I need it now.
And when I walked back over here, my aunt's clock was gone.
Alright, let me get this straight.
I just left a triple homicide to look for some lady's clock?
It's not just any clock, it's very.
unique.
What's it do, sing a song?
"Take Me Out To The Ball Game", maybe?
Look, my aunt is just very attached to it, OK?
Oh, gotcha.
I'll put every precinct on it.
I'll call in the National Guard.
We'll call it, Clock Watch, 2001.
No, I get the impression you're not taking this very seriously.
You're a very perceptive young lady.
You also make a very nice corn muffin.
Thanks.
So, what I'm asking is, did anyone come in and buy a hairbrush, dental floss and a Jacqueline Susann novel?
Yes.
Great.
Who?
Well, about a hundred people.
They're on special this week.
Oh, my.
The things that go on in that valley.
Why, Hilda, you look beautiful.
Well, if I want to meet a man, get married and have a baby in the next two days, I have to look my best.
Hilda, you've been trying to find a man for six-hundred years.
What makes you think you're gonna' find one in two days?
I zapped an ad in the newspaper.
There's my husband-to-be.
Come on in, boys, take a number.
Hilda, obviously you weren't very specific.
Well, maybe I shouldn't have put in, "Marriage or Best Offer".
Oh, there's the linen closet.
I also put an ad in the Other Realm Register.
Coming, sweethearts!
So, Eugene, why are you interested in filling the part of my husband?
I figured it was time to settle down.
I've been having too much fun.
Well, that's obvious.
I've had a rich and exciting life as a pharmacist, filling prescriptions and whatnot.
Time to fill the void in my life.
"Void".
OK, anything else I should know?
I like to make people laugh.
And how exactly do you do that?
Oh, I give them something to smile about.
Which would be.
Anything to put a grin on their face and make a happy expression.
Such as.
An amusing comment, aargh, argh.
to tickle their funny bone.
OK, we're done.
Thanks for coming.
All right, who's next?
That's it.
What are you talking about?
The last time I looked, there were at least twenty schmoes out here who could have been my soul mate.
I sent every one of them home.
What you're doing is completely absurd.
Sister, I have not even touched the tip of the iceberg.
Congratulations.
Despite your flair for humour, we're engaged.
You're kidding?
Only by your standards.
All right, let's talk children.
We're having them, end of discussion.
Hilda!
I feel the same way.
I'm telling you, we're gonna' have one lucky baby.
You know why?
Because that kids' gonna' have a daddy who wants to make him laugh.
I'd ask why I'm not laughing, but I have no time.
All right, I love you.
Let's get the license and a preacher.
Hilda, you can't marry this man.
He's a total stranger.
For all you know, he's a professional gigolo.
I'll take my chances.
Don't mind her, she's just jealous.
Of course she's jealous, you know why?
She doesn't have a man to bring hilarity to her life.
You must want a baby really bad.
Man, oh man, I must've gone through over a hundred receipts at that drug store trying to track down anyone who bought a hairbrush, dental floss and a cheesy novel.
Find anything?
Yeah.
Judith Krantz, hotter than ever.
Nobody put their phone numbers down on their credit card receipts.
How am I gonna' find that clock?
Sabrina, you'll never guess what your aunt's about to do.
Five bucks says it involves a clock.
She's getting married.
Right now, at City Hall!
Oh, no, I gotta' find that clock!
Either that or a large sack of rice.
Hold on, I know these vows are in here somewhere.
Take your time.
You've got fifty seconds.
So, how many children do you want?
Three.
One of each.
Told you I like to make people laugh.
Forty seconds.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here.
OK, skip that part.
We know the back story.
Do you,
Hilda Spellman.
Thank you.
Take,
Eugene Laufersweiller.
Are you serious?
Go on.
To be your lawfully wedded husband.
I do.
Don't you dare!
Hello?
Trying to engage in holy matrimony here.
Judge, you cannot marry these two people.
They.
they don't even know each other.
Oh, I'm not a judge.
I'm a clerk.
I'd like to be a judge, though.
Did you hear what she just said?
You're about to marry two people who don't even know each other.
Is that true?
Yes, OK, it's true.
I decided to take the plunge with a stranger whose last name I can't even pronounce.
The truth is, I'm tired of waiting around for my knight in shining armour.
Who, apparently, has other things to do.
Well, guess what?
So do I.
Like live my life, start a family.
Try to create a little happiness for myself.
So, Eugene and I haven't talked about where we grew up, or where we went to college, or how difficult it is to actually get an actual human being on the line at Ticketmaster.
But I know in my heart that Eugene is a decent person.
Well, probably not perfect.
is, at least.
alive.
And that is good enough for me.
Wow.
I never knew you felt that way about me.
Aunt Hilda, I love you to much to let you rush into something.
Especially something as important as marriage and having a baby.
You should have all time in the world to find the right guy, so, that's why I'm gonna' give you my clock.
Oh, Sabrina.
I can't let you do that.
Please.
You have to.
Sabrina, if I take your clock, then you'll never be able to have children.
Boy, that must be some clock.
Oh, they're doing wonderful things with science today.
Eugene, I'm sorry, but in light of what's happened, I can't go through with the ceremony.
Hilda, this is so unlike you.
I'm just guessing.
You'll be fine.
You'll make another woman laugh.
Oh, I like to make people laugh.
Well, then, for God's sake, just do it!
Sabrina, guess what I found.
The clock!
None other.
Where on earth did it turn up?
The coffeehouse.
The person who accidently took it brought it back.
She must've spilled something on it, because it's a little wet.
And it smells like a chalupa.
Thank you.
I believe this belongs to me.
See you.
Oddly enough, this isn't the first time I've been left for a small appliance.
You really are funny.
That wasn't a joke.
Oh, hi, Hildie.
You remember Sally O'Brien?
My friend Sally now has whiskers and a tail?
Salem couldn't turn into a person, so I met him halfway.
Sally, I can't believe you would turn yourself into a cat.
What could she possibly see in you?
I like to make people laugh.
I know, I'm laughing.
Put me down.
Sally and I have tickets to.
"Cats"