Hey, want a fresh cup of the Guatemalan?
Obviously, you prefer the Venezuelan.
Well, why don't you go talk to him?
I can't just go up and introduce myself
to a guy I don't even know.
What if he's not interested in me?
Well, you'll never know unless you go say hello.
Or hola. You know, your choice.
I can't do it!
Just bring me something with a lot of chocolate
and leave me alone.
Some people in here are so pathetic.
What can we do?
Hilda's our boss.
But once we graduate, we'll never have to see her again.
Well, you might have to— she's your aunt.
I'm talking about our single customers.
I wish there was some way we could bring them together.
You know, "You're a nice guy; you're a nice girl.
Now, go get a blood test and a mortgage."
Hey, you know, I've heard of these parties
where singles get paired up for like five minutes at a time.
If they click, they exchange phone numbers.
If they don't, they move on to the next person.
Five-minute dates? That is so unromantic.
But what a time-saver.
Ew. Ew. Ew.
Are you people trying to disgust me?
Aunt Hilda, Josh and I want to turn the coffeehouse
into a singles meeting place.
Great. Then maybe I'll finally meet someone, dump this joint
and never have to see these people again.
Well, I may have to see you again— you are my niece.
No, Aunt Hilda
the mixers wouldn't be for you—
they'd be for the college kids.
Oh, everything is for kids!
Movies, fashion, penne pasta.
What was so wrong with an egg noodle?
We'll charge five dollars a head; you'll get half.
Wait-wait. We're charging for this?
Absolutely. People are desperate for love
and they're willing to pay big bucks for it.
Great idea, Josh— Now all you need
is a big, white hat and a purple El Dorado.
Don't be so cynical, Sabrina.
In a cold and alienating world
it's a wonderful thing to bring people together.
I'll play hostess and do stand-up for 60% of the gross.
I'll give you 65% to take the night off.
Deal.
You know, Josh, I like the idea
of helping out our single customers
but I'm not sure about charging five bucks.
Are you kidding me?
These schmoes spend double that
to sit alone in a cold, dark cineplex.
At least here, they have a shot
at looking at someone besides Helen Hunt.
I'm sold.
And whatever money we make
we'll put towards a nice dinner for the two of us.
You had me at Helen Hunt.
Poor thing, she'll never get up the courage to make a move.
A girl needs a guy who catches her eye
and make her less shy when he walks by.
Hey, Sabrina. Harvey.
I was in the neighborhood and decided to drop by.
Oh, I'm glad you did.
You know, it's great to see you.
So, you want to sit down and catch up?
Hi. I don't usually do things like this
but I'm Pam, and I think you're cute.
Thanks. I'm Harvey, and I think you're cute, too.
Do you want to go out and grab something to eat?
I'd love to.
Uh, then afterwards, we could check out
one of the new Helen Hunt movies.
See you, Sabrina.
They're lucky.
Next week that would've cost them five bucks.
Sync by Alice www.addic7ed.com
Hilda, I just opened our Visa bill.
How could you spend $3,000 on World War II memorabilia?
What are you talking about?
You know I'm a Boer War kind of gal.
Well, if these aren't your Visa charges
and they aren't my Visa charges, then whose are they?
Mooshi-mooshi.
The name on the card is Zelda Spellman.
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!
Just what do you think you're doing?
I know the kimono's a little gauche
but it's so dang silky.
I'm talking about my credit card.
Oh, that. Just making a little impulse buy.
The future Mrs. Mioshi Saberhagen
ships in two weeks.
You bought a mail-order bride?
Dummy, what are you going to do when a Japanese woman shows up
and sees that her "number one American husband" is a cat?
When she sees the engagement ring you bought her
with your Discover card, she won't care!
Can you believe the nerve of that mangy little fur ball?
Stealing from us and then flaunting it.
When was the last time actual toast came out of that thing?
Oh, it's for you
from the Other Realm Department of Justice.
Justice? That can't be good.
Oh, you're looking fine.
Well, I was feeling fine until you showed up.
What do you want, Harry?
A date for New Year's.
And to read this.
"Hilda Spellman
as a gesture of amnesty, the outgoing president
of the Witch's Council pardons you
and everyone else involved in the Witchwater scandal.
That's fantastic!
I've been pardoned!
I knew buying his wife that spa weekend would pay off.
And the bottom line is, you're no longer required
to feed, clothe and house Salem Saberhagen.
The feline felon will be assigned a new halfway house.
Salem won't be living with us anymore?
Hilda, have you forgotten?
He's a hardened criminal who led a bloody insurrection
to try to take over the world.
Everyone makes a mistake now and then.
I suppose if you really want to keep him...
Zelda! My Fancy Feast has lumps
and so does my litter box!
Hilda, roll up your sleeves and start scooping.
Book him, Dano.
Huh?
Zelda, he's gone.
We'll never see Salem again.
Free at last!
Thank God almighty.
We're free at last!
Whoo-hoo!
Hey, what's that for?
Josh and I are throwing a singles party at the coffeehouse.
I'm sure you think it's stupid.
I haven't been on a date in five months.
I can live with stupid.
Well, there's no motivation like desperation.
Okay, so I'm watching Deep Space Nine.
It was this cool episode, uh...
about the Borg...
Well, she wasn't your type anyway.
Yeah, I usually strike out with the normal, human ones.
Let's face it, I'm never going to meet a girl.
Yes, you are— lots of them.
Why should I pay five dollars to get rejected
when I do it so well for free?
Well, for every girl that says no
you're that much closer to the one that'll say yes.
Dating is a numbers game.
So getting rejected by 20 girls in one night is a good thing?
Yeah. For only five bucks, that's a bargain.
I never realized what a pack rat Salem was.
It's amazing— he saved everything.
Wrapping paper; aluminum foil...
my Cartier watch.
He needed something to go with your Ferragamo handbag.
Zellie, are you sure I did the right thing with Salem?
Yes, absolutely— he was evil, selfish and disgusting.
You're right. Good-bye and good riddance.
But honestly, how cute was he when he wore this little outfit?
I loved his Shirley Temple phase.
Remember how he'd put that on
and sing "The Good Ship Lollipop"?
That cat could really shuffle off to Buffalo.
I do hope he lands someplace nice.
Well, who are you?
Salem Saberhagen, AKA "The Fist"
AKA "Mr. Julian."
Must be the new parolee Harry said he was sending over.
You are correct, Madame.
But now if you'll kindly show me to my quarters
I'd like to freshen up
before gorging on a nice ceviche appetizer.
Of course you would, yes.
He seemed nice.
Yes.
Uh-oh!
Something tells me this isn't the Good Ship Lollipop.
Welcome to Dick and Dora's prison labor camp.
My name is Snake, and I'll be your dungeon master.
Now, get sewing, or you're going to be my lunch.
But I don't know how to sew!
Just give me a minute to thread my bobbin. Heh-heh.
This is going great!
I mean, how cool would it be if everyone here got dates
and the Singles Night really took off?
Very cool, and very profitable.
Sabrina, you and I have discovered a beautiful way
to create meaningful, lasting relationships.
Switch!
I'm Steve. I'm Erica.
I know you— you're in my biology lab.
I've been trying to get up the nerve
to talk to you all semester.
I've wanted to talk to you, too!
Let's find out if we're soul mates
in the next four minutes and 20 seconds.
I think we've got a budding romance here.
Yeah, I think we do.
I mean, they do.
Well, right, yeah, them.
Why don't I, uh, make sure we have enough sugar packets?
Yeah, and I'll refill the coffee pot.
As soon as it's empty.
Time!
My name is Miles.
Thus far we've only known each other as roommates
but I'm open to other avenues.
Make a U-turn— this road is closed.
I didn't pay five bucks to get chatted up by Miles.
I want to meet that cute guy over there.
That's my friend, Brett.
He should be at your table in another four bells.
Well, the girl knows what she wants.
We may only have a few seconds together before the next bell.
I need you to sum up your entire being in four words. Go.
Not interested in you.
Four words on the dot.
Can I get a bell, please?
Well, I'd call this evening a total success.
I bet more than a dozen phone numbers were exchanged.
Yeah. Roxie met my friend Brett
Miles met my friend Holly
and I met a lot of dead presidents.
So where do you want Mr. Lincoln and his pals
to take us for dinner?
Well, I know Roxie's a little bit nervous
about her first date with Brett
so you know maybe the four of us and the Lincolns
could go someplace together.
Sounds good to me.
And old Abe's up for anything.
As long as we don't wind up at the theater.
I'm so excited about going out with Brett.
Thanks for double-dating with us.
How many times do I have to tell you? We're not dating.
And how many times do I have to tell you that you should be?
We tried it, but it didn't work.
Then he tried it, but I just wanted to be friends.
Then I tried it, but he was dating Morgan.
Which he isn't anymore.
The man's coming over to take you
to a Kung Fu movie.
Dead giveaway that he wants a serious relationship.
You think so?
What I think is that you two are perfect for each other.
I don't know what's holding either of you back.
Hey, you ready?
Maybe I am.
Where's Brett?
Oh, he couldn't make it.
Yeah, at the last second, his buddy got him
a box seat for the Red Sox game.
He told me to tell you he's sorry.
That makes two of us.
Wait a minute. Okay, Brett cancels
but he doesn't bother to call Roxie
and tell her himself?
Like I said, he just got the tickets
he knew I was coming over here
and I told him I'd give Roxie the message.
Which I did.
Roxie, are you okay?
I'll be fine. Have a great time.
Okay, we better go.
You don't want to miss the beginning of a Bruce Lee movie.
The first ten minutes sets up the whole emotional arc.
Hold the phone.
When Brett told you he was canceling
to go to the game, what did you say?
Uh, "Who's pitching?"
You didn't say anything about, you know, how rude he was
how insensitive, how you could never be friends
with someone who was so morally bankrupt?
I felt it was implied.
Now, come on
we don't want to miss that cartoon
with the little dancing hot dog.
See if you can get what I'm implying.
You and I aren't going to the movies.
All right, let me get this straight, Sabrina.
You think my friend acted like a jerk, and you're blaming me?
No, I'm blaming you 'cause you don't even realize
your friend acted like a jerk.
Okay, fine, Brett was a jerk— are you happy?
You're saying that 'cause you don't want to keep arguing.
I can't argue with that.
You know, Josh, the scary thing about this is
you're not who I thought you were.
Yes I am— I just happen to have a jerky friend.
Miles, what do you think about a guy
who doesn't care how a woman is treated?
Well, what do you think about a woman
who blames a guy for stuff another guy does?
You both need to relax.
This is a normal argument that eventually all couples have.
We're not a couple.
Then stop messing with my mind.
I'm going to pick up Holly for our date.
Aren't you guys supposed to be at the Bruce Lee movie?
We were until Johnny Blackheart here
decided that he didn't care
if his friend treated my friend like dirt.
Oh, you are just not going to let this go, are you?
Hang on a second.
You have extra tickets to the 1971 classic
Han Sing Dai Hing?
There you go. Enjoy.
On second thought, I'm coming with you.
Josh, we're not done here.
Oh, yes, we are.
Popcorn?
No, thanks.
Ugh, artificial butter flavor, yuck!
Sabrina was way out of line, wasn't she, Miles?
Hello, on a date!
Legend has it that all these guys actually die
during the filming of this scene.
I mean, where does she get off blaming me
for what happened to Roxy?
I didn't do anything wrong.
I acted the way any other guy would have acted.
Yeah, like a jerk!
Ow!
I think my popcorn bit me!
Shh! This is the scene where Bruce Lee repositions
the spleens of 12 lawyers from Thailand.
Now, that's a real man.
I'm glad you think so.
Gentlemen, I was going to reposition your spleens
but I've learned that a real man should admit
when he's behaved badly, and have the insight
to urge his friends to be more sensitive.
I don't remember this in the movie, do you?
He's going to have to get back to you on that.
So.
So, here we are.
Isn't this wonderful?
Divine.
Now that Salem's not around
we can eat like civilized witches.
That's true; no more guarding our plates against that vulture.
Oh, speaking of vulture, could you please pass the vulture?
Certainly.
Yes, this is such a treat.
Nobody begging for scraps...
leaving whiskers in your crème brûlée.
Parading around in your best fishnet stockings.
God, I miss him!
Me, too. Hilda, do you think it would be wrong of us to...
Way ahead of you.
You sure you don't want
to give Singles Night another shot?
We booked a really hot band.
No one wants to be
at that stinking coffeehouse less than me.
Except me. Josh and I haven't spoken in a week.
I mean, he hasn't even called to apologize.
This could kill the whole relationship.
You mean the relationship you don't have
with the guy you're not dating?
Yeah. I don't want that to end.
The end of a relationship is always the most depressing part.
But it's got to be really depressing to end something
that never got a chance to begin.
All I know is, he should be
the first one to call and apologize.
He's the one who acted like a jerk when Brett stood you up.
Is that what this is about?
You're throwing away a great guy
because of someone that never meant anything to me?
It's the principle of the thing.
If you're going to date based upon principle
your choices are the Pope or St. Francis of Assisi.
So I've got options.
I like your bungalow.
I like saying "bungalow."
Bungalow.
Say it with me.
When will Salem be back?
Hard to say; he loves splashing around
in the estuary, doesn't he?
Yes.
That's funny, you know.
He never liked playing in brackish water at our house.
What's that?
Uh, the boiler; it's on the fritz again.
I think it needs to be disciplined.
Are you getting a weird feeling?
No, but there's something new I'd like to say.
Brackish water.
brackish water.
Sabrina, this is great!
How did you get the Pop Stars to play at Singles Night?
Well, they may have a hit series
but they're looking for love just like everyone else.
All right, everybody, for the next round
the women will switch tables.
Let them do something for a change
besides hold all us guys responsible
for everything bad that happens in the world.
Oh well, maybe we wouldn't hold you responsible
if you did the right thing in the first place.
How do we have a chance do the right thing
if you blame us for stuff that isn't even our fault?
It is your fault; you're just too pigheaded to admit it.
What do you think
Pop Stars one through five?
I think you both need some serious therapy.
Hey, Sabrina. Hey, Josh.
Miles, what are you doing here on Singles Night?
Yeah. Where's Holly?
It's over.
There's a surprise.
Another one of your flaky Emerson friends
dumps another one of my roommates
and you don't even care!
How do you know I don't care?
You didn't even give me a chance to react, and stop poking me!
Actually, I broke up with Holly.
Huh?
Uh, looks like I made a little poke mark there.
Yeah, that happens
when you point your finger at the wrong person.
All right, Josh, you know, maybe I jumped all over you
but I'm still upset about the Brett thing.
Uh, that's not much of an apology.
What are you talking about?
You're the one the one that needs to apologize.
Again? Sabrina, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?
Until the one time you really mean it.
Boy, for a couple trying to bring people together
you're setting a rotten example.
We're not a couple.
Where did you get those pumps?
Other Realm Shoe Pavilion. Do you like them?
Not particularly.
What you doing?
Translating Morse code.
I've got it.
"I'm in a basement prison cobbling shoes.
Send help and ceviche.
Hilda, this is an Other Realm prison labor camp!
Dick and Doris, shame on you!
Zap 'em, Dick!
Watch out, Zelda!
Nice work, Super Witch.
You, too, Hex Kitten.
Let's find Salem and get out of here.
All right, that's it!
I've had enough of you, Saberhagen.
I'm famished!
Everybody freeze!
Hilda! Zelda!
Am I glad to see you!
Salem, are you all right?
Hilda, let's get out of here before Dick and Doris escape.
We'll send the authorities
after these wretched men. Come on!
Wait a minute.
All right, everybody, wrap it up.
The night's over; we're closing.
Actually, it's just beginning.
I'm sorry I only have two arms.
Pop Stars?
Well, at least someone had a good time this evening.
Yeah, Miles and the Pop Stars really seemed to hit it off.
Yeah, they make an attractive... you know, whatever.
So, how is it that Miles can get along with an entire harem
and you and I can't even be civil to each other?
Look, Josh, I don't want to keep going on like this.
Me, neither.
Just because I didn't like
how you handled things with Brett
doesn't mean we shouldn't be friends.
I mean, we still have to work together
so we should figure out a way to get along so...
Well, that's one way.
For what it's worth
if I ever had to cancel a date, I'd call you.
For what it's worth, I hope we have a date for you to not cancel.
Well, we never did go out for that dinner.
Well, maybe we can oct-up with Miles and his harem.
These are the most comfortable shoes I've ever had.
And stylish.
Oh, cobbler?
Yes, ma'am!
I'd like five more pairs, one in every color.
Yeah, and how are you with matching belts?
I'll cobble whatever you want.
I'm just glad to be home.
And we're happy to have you home.
I'm sure you learned a lesson from your misbehavior?
I'm sure I have.
I am Mrs. Salem-san.
Okay... come in.
I bring you gift.
Where is my husband?
Meeeeow!
Nobody perfect.
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